#22 Getting serious, tornadoes, etc.

I’m back in New York today. Not even three full weeks in Los Angeles and an actual tornado hit my house, trees fell and ruined things, stop me if you’ve heard this one already. Right when I’d gotten my desk set up exactly so; right as I’d started pasting the index cards to the wall and waking up at the same time and getting into a delightful little writing routine. At the exact moment I started to live into a chapter of my life I’ve been supremely patient for, a fucking tornado comes.

I’ve written multiple versions of this essay and all of them have been annoying. Plus I’ve got to clean up my yard. But the point I’m trying to make (and the conversation I keep having with myself) goes something like this:

1. I thought completely changing my would life would be easier than this

2. HAHAHAHA

3. okay

When I first got sober I read Marianne Williamson’s A Return to Love at least three times. In it she talked about how when she hit her bottom and surrendered totally—when she finally stopped fucking around and invited god/(universal intelligence/emptiness/whatever) in—she expected a profound peace, an easier life, a glow up. Instead everything just fell apart more. I remember reading that part and having this huge sweeping exhale, because that same thing was happening to me. I made this grand surrender of my life, gave up the alcohol and then the bulimia and even the pot and finally the job and the apartment and the friendships and the cat! and basically everything I cared about at all, and still god came for more. I was totally nailed all the time.

I used to think of it like this: I told the universe I was done fucking around/it wanted to make sure I was serious/I was serious.

I am serious this time too.

Twelve Things Right Now

All kinds of new addictions and all kinds of new fixes, that one time I downloaded TikTok, a good bitter NA drink (really), “Flex Sober”, Janeane Garofalo makes me want to be her.

1. Can drunk sex ever be consensual?

2. I deeply value Jessica DeFino’s newsletter, The Unpublishable, and mostly because when she talks about beauty it doesn’t sound much different than alcohol. I mean, replace lip filler with alcohol, any drug, and this statement and it still works: “Can Lip Filler Make You Happy?” asks Eleanor Cummins in Slate, and the answer is… Kind of? But only because you exist in a patriarchal, colonialist, capitalist culture that makes you feel unhappy first? And also, your supposed post-injectable happiness compounds the collective’s chronic unhappiness? And the collective includes you? So… No???

3. I downloaded TikTok for the first time to learn about the JWST from the Space Gal, which was fun! Then I started watching tutorials on how to fold my sports bras and make cheeseburgers on a clothing iron and deleted it.

4. Speaking of the JWST: I realized I didn’t know what galaxy we are part of so I did some research (it’s the milky way). This explainer of how big the universe is etc. etc. was v. helpful.

5. When I was little I loved the story of Ferdinand the Bull and you all it turns out he was A REAL BULL. His name was Civilón, and if you’re anything like me this story of his life and pictures of his sweet, sweet bull face will potentially make you vomit tears and swear off beef forever.

6. I used to love bitter, herbaceous alcoholic beverages, and it’s one of the odd things I’ve missed. I’ve never found any non-alcoholic substitute to hold up, no matter how hard they try (sorry, Seedlip). Then last year l discovered Crodino. It’s a basic, tiny bottle of bitter orange soda that was never meant to be a fake anything. It’s Italian, you have to import it or buy it from an import store, but it’s worth the hassle if you miss bitter drinks like a Campari. Serve it on ice with a wedge of orange if you want to get fancy, which I don’t. (Stappi isn’t bad, either.)

7. "Flex-sober” is now a word 😩

8. Janeane Garofolo isn’t on social media, doesn’t have a website, uses a smartphone, have an email address, perhaps only uses the mail?? She’s analog and this article about her made me swoon and wish to formally identify as Gen X.

9. I listened to this talk between Gabor Matè and Andrew Tatarsky on addiction and trauma when it first came out in 2021 and I loved it; I re-listened to it again yesterday on my flight. It’s a generous, beautiful conversation and it makes me v. v. excited for Gabor’s next book, The Myth of Normal

10. I appreciated this advice column on how to cope when the world is on fire that I guess is written by the guy from Eve 6? Anna Marie Cox answers “How do I survive early sobriety” which made me remember I answered the same question a few years ago—I’ll find it and release next wee. If you have questions for me, don’t forget to send them (in essay form!) to dearrecovering@gmail.com. I have a handful of letters, I’m trying to get to a critical mass so I can have enough to write at.

11. Hit The Ground Running, Rock Bottom Riser (what even is Smog and does anyone else know them?) and this song I keep sending to Emily to freak her out are all on rotation this week.

12. This study on drinking concludes drinking alone in your teens makes you more likely to develop AUD in adulthood; another study concludes that no one under forty should drink and older people should; the Massachusetts legislature looks into decrim; Michael Pollan continues to make us all think lovingly about hallucinogens; of course someone is trying to take the magic out of the mushrooms; a simple, short video attempts to answer: Can LSD fix addiction? Fantasy football is an addiction and crypto currency is an addiction and Californians might soon be able sue TikTok for social media addiction.

Subscribe △ Ask me a question