#47 What you're not good at anymore

On mistaking what is being given to you for what is being taken

On Monday I went to make a quick video for an Instagram post, one I didn’t have to prepare for, think much about or really put any effort into since I was talking about a book I loved and not nuclear fission, string theory, or Web3. I figured it would take 15 minutes but I’m bad at judging how long things take so I was generous and gave myself 30. I put on mascara, a wrinkled denim oxford, some lipstick. I stacked five books, stood my phone on them, turned on a lamp, and hit record. And then six hours, three outfits, one shower, four different shades of lipstick, 127 takes and five depressions later: one final, shitty cut.

15 minutes, maybe 30. Lol, no. Six hours. And then the rest of the night asking myself what the actual fuck is wrong with me while I maniacally scanned the accounts of people I deem or have deemed my peers, watching them effortlessly post reel after reel after reel and post after post after post, comparing and wondering: Why can’t I do that anymore? Why can’t I be wh…