To me the endpoint of being sober / in recovery / healing has always been to finally belong to oneself. To retrace the steps before we got lost, or to try to carve a new path forward. It is a unique and never-ending spiritual task for each and everyone of us. I am always happy to read your words about how you're forging your own path. Thank you for sharing.
I also love "to finally belong to oneself." Thank you for those words. I'm turning 49 this summer and finally feel like I'm moving in that direction. It's sublime.
Dear, dear, Holly, All I know, is that in 2016, after 20 plus years of drinking, I was able to stop with the help of Hip Sobriety and YOU. I wish I could convey the tenderness and compession I felt from you as I slowly woke up again. If you want to check in once in a while in a public way, I want to be there. If you need to close the door to all this craziness, that's fine with me, too. I'm just glad I didn't have to die like that. Only one thought.. Keep writing! You are a kick-ass writer, girl. Lots of love, Pam
I will be disappointed with anyone whose response to this is anything but “you do you.” You are one of the reasons the old paradigm of what “sobriety” means is changing, and it is changing for the better from “can never use any kind of substance ever again” to “do whatever makes your life long and happy and full.” Thank you for your honesty and bravery, as usual.
I agree. I’m 80 and have been having two glasses a wine a night. When I crave more I stop for months at a time then I use weed tincture. It has an altogether different effect on me. I feel more focused and more creative. Like you, Holly I have ADHD. In my case it causes terrible restlessness and the mj relieves some of that.
Holly, your work (HOME podcast specifically) helped me get sober from marijuana addiction. I am forever grateful. One statement you wrote made me want to write here, “There’s a kind of limit on the type of acute damage you can do using pot”- I hope you never see what the depths of weed addiction can actually do to a life. I was locked in it for 22 years. You helped me climb out. I will never stop being grateful to you and most especially for your truth telling. I believe long term recovery is a true return to self, I honor your finding your way home to you. For anyone who might need it after reading this piece from Holly, I’ve written a three part piece on Marijuana Addiction, called “slow drain”. It’s on my Substack page.
Yeah that’s a tricky line and I meant it more in the overdose sense (I meant to contextualize it against using something like opioids again which is very different in terms of risk after a period of abstinence). I agree with your point and the insidious nature of cud which is qualitatively different and in its own ways (IMO!) more insidious than some other substances bc it’s “just pot” and now you can use it basically 24x7 in ever expanding delivery forms that disable you. I look forward to reading what you have and please feel free to link them here
Thanks so much Tracey for such a powerful and vulnerable piece on marijuana addiction. I was 12 and a half years alcohol and THC sober when chronic nerve pain arrived in my . After trying many prescription meds without any relief I read an article in the Oprah magazine about how weed could be helpful for nerve pain.
Although I knew pot was something that was always a part of my pre-sober partying lifestyle, I reasoned that alcohol was really my main drug of choice and that giving pot a try for this unrelenting nerve pain was worth the risk. Although it did help with the nerve pain, I noticed pretty early on that I wanted to smoke even when I wasn't in pain. It then became a daily thing. Since pot seemed so benign compared to my alcohol addiction, I just continued to use and became a all day everyday smoker. The first month or so was fun in that I was getting the highs where you could really drop into that state of loving what you were seeing, hearing , tasting and feeling. But within a month or two the highs were very infrequent and pot just became something that I had to do all day everyday even though I really didn't get much out of it. I describe it as a slow-moving cancer. One thing I noticed right away was it robbed me of even an ounce of ambition. At the time I was starting to write my book "It's Not About Food, Drugs, or Alcohol: It's About Healing Complex PTSD" which is part Memoir part science-based research and part healing guide. Here's a link if you want to check it out.
I knew there was no way that my book would ever see the light of day if I continued smoking.
All I can say is I'm glad I finally found a way to quit and was able to publish my book and am really proud that I was able to do so.
In fact I write an entire chapter about my experience with chronic pain and my journey with medical marijuana in it.
As I responded to Holly's post, I really, like really wanted to be able to smoke recreationally and worked with harm reduction specialists to be able to do so without success.
Although the harm reduction practitioner I worked with did help me let go of a lot of my shame I had over my pot use and I was able to reduce the amount I was smoking, I still couldn't get anything done.
After about a year of daily use without even being able to get high, I fell into a depression and knew that this path was not going to be sustainable for me.
I ended up hearing about neurofeedback being a way to regulate my nervous system so I wouldn't feel compelled to use pot to do it.
Miraculously it really reduced my cravings and within a month I was able to quit with relative ease.
This experience proved to me that I was medicating a chronically dysregulated nervous system due to unhealed trauma.
I wish I could say that I have been free from marijuana addiction since but after the end of two long-term relationships I did end up getting back into smoking and thankfully have been able to quit.
Marijuana has been a very slippery slope for me. Interestingly when I used to drink I never smoked as much as I did as when I started using after 12 and a half years of being totally sober.
I do give myself a lot of space and compassion to be my perfectly imperfect self, yet I also recognize that if I want to have a life worth living I can't give myself a pass to blow my life up with pot or any other substance .
It's so sad to me that the myth that pot is not addictive and that it's relatively benign is so prevalent in our culture.
From the research I've done one in 10 people will develop a marijuana use disorder. Before I did the research for my book I had no idea how marijuana has pretty much the same risk in terms of addiction is alcohol. Although it's side effects are not nearly as destructive, in many ways this less destructive aspect is what makes it so Insidious keep people using it.
Although I really wish I could have become a social user, it's just not in the cards for me. It says if I don't have a off button when it comes to pot or alcohol. And just knowing that is really helpful.
So thank you for your wonderful article on a topic that is woefully underwritten about.
And just to reiterate as I did in Holly's post I have no judgment on anyone that uses any including weed, because there are people that can use it socially and have a life that they love even if they're in recovery with alcohol or other drugs.
I just know for me there's not and off switch when it comes to pot. So I do what I know to do to stay out of denial of that and work toward healing my relational trauma so that I can find soothing and connection with myself and other people versus substances.
I went right ahead and read your three-part piece on marijuana addiction. So poignant! And you're right, there aren't many stories about THC addiction and recovery (especially written by women, which are the voices I want to hear). I hope one day I'll have the courage to write my own. Thank you, this is important, your work is important.
excellent piece TS! your story resonated with me so much! what to do with the time...getting alcohol sober with HOME...i love(d) cannabis so much, its the withdrawal anxiety and panic when not using weed..this was my immediate thoughts re Holly's reveal.
In my opinion, Alcoholism was my problem, for which stopping drinking was the solution…. The easy part ( the hardest thing I have ever done ) the easy part.
Alcohol was the perfect fit for my ADHD and comorbid factors of depression and anxiety, until it just wasn’t.
Those comorbid factors are treatment resistant which is terrifying, make no mistake if I was to find something medically that helped, I would have no hesitation, MY issue was alcohol and I have been sober for 8 years.
Cannabis sober makes me anxious and paranoid, Holly you ARE sober, I don’t think this complicates your work which is incredible, I wish I had your work when I got sober.
So we are really dealing with allowing others judgments to affect how we live our lives, the way you are dealing with this makes your authenticity shine.
Just be/do you, your work is as a companion to being sober from Alcohol.
The rest is not anybody’s business, but thanks again for your honesty.
I really love you and appreciate this very much. The ADHD stuff is so real and it’s another thread to pull (I read recently in one study some 42 percent of folks w SUD or maybe AUD had ADHD—41 percent were undiagnosed untreated.
This is incredible! The whole point of recovery is to Feel Better, knowing your limitations and improvements upon those limitations until we die. You are not a brand -- you are a human! And a good one, at that. This is a welcome announcement that will help more people than it will hurt, I think.
The whole entire reason I revere QLAW is because you didn’t not aim to indoctrinate anyone into an ideology. You simply offered some clarity about a thing that does harm and invite readers to consider it from a conscious place. Because you did not lead with narcissistic methodology I was able to cultivate a unique inquiry with myself about my own life, journey, choices, neuronal circuitry that led me to make new choices from a place of agency. So here, I applaud you for your integrity to yourself. I recognize the burden of your public facing role and, not that you need to hear it from me, but you don’t owe us anything. Thank you, as always, for using your conscious vulnerability to offer so many an opportunity to stay awake to their own processes.
Always here for you as a person way beyond you as a role, a representative, an object to project upon, a beacon. Your humanness is your gift, your deepest offering that feels like a glimmer, always. Thank you for sharing 💛💛💛
Thank you for your honesty and integrity, which I don't think you owe anyone but also I am not surprised by given who you are.
I've been sober for 8 years now, and finding HipSobriety was what made that whole project viable after I went to AA and realised holy shit this is 100% not for, what am I supposed to do?
For me, not having the option to get fucked up recreationally is everything. As soon as that's on the table, it's like my brain doesn't know how to choose anything else. Yeah, I online shop and all the rest, but it still feels like at least some of the time I can choose a cup of herbal tea or a walk on the beach. With booze or pot etc. my brain is always like—why would I do anything else?
It's a little confronting to know I can't now kind of imagine being 'together' with you in that perspective, in that weird, imagined but also emotionally real-feeling 'togetherness' of internet connection. Probably because that knowledge is rare thing to share and because you helped me find a way of possessing it in the first place.
BUT those are MY feelings and MY lookout. And I have also seen in my own sobriety journey how many people have been able to make room for my huge changes and stick with me, and vice versa. I'd rather explore and learn from this discomfort, as I've always learned from you, than take the dissonance as a reason to disengage.
Thanks for everything you share and respect for everything you do not.
You never stop wrestling with the fundamental questions of being alive with rigour and precision and passion, and it's really a privilege to get to witness that, wherever it takes you.
As always thank you for your brain and heart. I wouldn’t say that we don’t share the same perspective, my guess is as this unfolds that will perhaps dissipate. I’ll be looking forward to your questions very much ♥️
Holly, I am so happy that you are writing about this! After being in recovery for several decades, I began smoking pot initially due to a chronic pain condition. Although it helped with my pain, I found early on that I wanted to smoke even when I wasn't in pain. As you have written about, the shame about " losing" my recovery was extremely painful given that my identity had been all about being clean and sober. After struggling with for over a year I decided that my goal was to be a social pot user. So, I worked with a harm reduction practitioner. Although it was very helpful in terms of reducing my use and it was also very de-shaming, I noticed that as a regular marijuana user I had little to no ambition to get anything done. It was during this time that I was writing my book. At the time I was just out of a long-term relationship and dealing with a lot of grief. So I told myself I was going to put my book on hold until I worked through it. Eventually it got to where I realized that if I continued to smoke that my book would never see the light of day. So , I ended up buying a neurofeedback system and using it to train my brain at home with the goal of quitting. It was miraculous in terms of my cravings dropping dramatically to where I was able to quit with relative ease. Of course I was seeing a therapist and working through trauma issues as well. So neurofeedback alone probably wouldn't have done the job, but without the neurofeedback I couldn't seem to quit. Please know that I have no issue with you or anyone that uses weed. Frankly I wish I could be a social smoker. But after a year or so it became clear I couldn't. One of the reasons I'm leaving a comment here is because recovery is messy. Sadly, in 12-step programs there's so much energy put on abstinence and continuous sobriety that to share about using pot is often signing up to be shamed and ostracized by fellow 12-steppers and other folks in recovery.
Thankfully I found a new 12-step program called Psychedelics in Recovery-PIR that has been a godsend. It's all about defining your own recovery, not focusing on time, but focusing on healing trauma, attachment wounds and all of the other issues that cause so much unbearable pain that we reach for something to regulate our nervous systems. In fact in PIR many of the members use cannabis and/or psychedelics to enhance their healing and Recovery. It's the only 12-step group that I feel truly safe in and one that is totally focused on trauma healing, ifs, attachment healing, family of origin issues, and more. There are also many members who have decades of recovery in it. For me it's like the enlightened AA!
So Bravo to you for sharing this part of your recovery Journey since so many of us have or are undoubtedly experiencing the same or other issues with substances or behaviors that become problematic. But due to the shame and stigma of using mind-altering substances most folks aren't willing to share about it. I have relapsed with pot several times subsequent to training my brain with neurofeedback after the pain and heartbreak of a long-term relationship ending. However today I give myself a whole lot of space to be my imperfectly perfect self and have compassion towards myself since I no longer look at these lapses as a personal failure but as a signal that I am in extreme pain. As Gabor Mate says I ask myself not why the addiction but why the pain.
The truth is that everybody reaches for substances or behaviors to soothe themselves, but those of us in recovery have the shameful feeling of failure about losing our recovery where those who aren't in recovery with substances can look at what worked what didn't and get back on track without experiencing the huge spiral of shame.
Thank you for your vulnerable share and know that you are helping so many people including me know that this is often part of the recovery Journey.
Dear dear Mary, thank you so much for writing this all out and sharing so much. I think there's a lot of people that will get a lot out of it (including me); the second to last paragraph is so accurate.
You are so welcome! FYI,I do dedicate an entire chapter in my book "It's Not About Food, Drugs, or Alcohol: It's About Healing Complex PTSD" titled chronic pain and my journey with medical marijuana to this exact topic. I also talk a lot about how "relapse" is more often part of the journey than not for people that struggle with substances. Yet it's so stigmatized and taboo in 12-step that most people never talk about it and unfortunately never returned to recovery. Please know I'm not implying that your use of cannabis is a relapse. For me, when I was using cannabis, I looked at it as an experiment, not a relapse. I also dedicate an entire chapter on the topic of relapse and the shame about it in the third section of my book on options for people who struggle with substances.
By the way I did finally get the audible version of my book recorded. I found a great audio engineer who came to my home and helped me record it in my walk-in closet LOL. I'd be happy to send you a free link if you would like to listen to it versus read it.
You are definitely not the only person with mixed feelings or on the matter and they are many people out there trying to grasp and understand as things have constantly been shifting with legalization. I quit smoking pot recreationally quite a few years before I stopped drinking because it now longer felt like it agreed with my biochemistry or where my head was at at the time. Eventually I picked up CBD and microdosing cannabis to treat migraines as needed. When I found myself sober and single for the first time I dramatically felt myself torn between two worlds. On one side I ran into people who had no interest in hanging out if I wasn't smoking and even some old friends I had reconnected with were constantly trying to McConaughey me into smoking even though I was very vocal about not wanting to. On the other side I encountered many sober people who were very anti-cannabis even medicinally some who couldn't even consider dating me because of it even a few (not all) whom used rx meds on a regular basis like adderal, Xanax, hormones etc. I Also encountered people in between who had had issues with alcohol and or other drugs but found cannabis kept them stable and still consider themselves sober. Of course this isn't the case for most people and with legalization it seems like people developing issues and problems with canbabis has grown and organizations like Marijuana Anonymous have become more prevelant. That being said there are a lot of people that have found use for it theraputically, medically and psychologically for things like migraine,epilepsy, depression,ptsd,gi,and cramping and still the way people use it and separation from recreation have developed very blurred boundaries. Personally I have no issues with someone that uses canbabis recreationally or medicinally but I also don't want to or feel the need to hang out in a circle and take bong rips with anyone like I did when I was 19. But I also now find myself around more people that don't smoke or it's something that's not a regular part of their lives and some people in between. Things are constantly changing and we as people are constantly changing and sometimes we need to be in our lives is where we need to be and what we need to do for ourselves and not everything is fixed. I hope the backlash you are experiencing is not too bad I know there are quite a few people who have /are experiencing it too.
Fully, absolutely here for this. I cannot wait for this next book. This is a reminder that it is okay to grow and change and explore and stay curious (all things I certainly couldn’t have done if I was still drinking.) LOVE ❤️
All I have to say is THANK YOU. For your honesty, for not going away because the world needs you and your genius voice Holly. I have followed you and Laura since Home and I feel so priviliged to be someone who has watched both of your miraculous evolutions that you have so generously shared publicly. You have been a brave and steadfast light on this path for so many of us just by being HONEST and showing us its okay to be brave and honest too. Much love to you and I will continue to support you and your work in whatever way YOU choose to show up <3. Keep going you gorgeous soul! And bravo.
I suppose I fall into the category of this not affecting me either way, but I am genuinely curious: Why? I'd love to know about the first spark of curiosity in you, up to the moment you actually used it. There was a line in your book at the end of a paragraph that always stood out to me: "Does it make you hate yourself, even just a little?" Does it? Or not anymore for you? I wish I was speaking these words instead of typing them so you could hear my tone and know it's from a place of warmth and love for you and all that you've provided. Like others have said, you've been a change-maker in my life and I will always value your experiences and your voice.
Yes, I came here with this same question! I’m interested in hearing more about the goings on in her brain/feelings/emotions/discomforts/etc. that coincided with using pot. Not because I’m judging, I’m not; I’m just genuinely curious because sobriety is such a wild ride. I’m selfishly hoping she shares more on this! 🙃
THANK GOODNESS for your gift of re-thinking, re-focusing, and re-addressing your life on every level as you continue to learn, change, and grow. All of us should be so lucky as to re-examine the 'rules' we think define us. This is a brave share and I hope it will make many others feel less alone. Thank you!
thank you for this, holly! everyone’s definition of sobriety is different for sure - for me, i also consider myself sober and do smoke weed recreationally, as well as take mushrooms on occasion. it’s not something that takes me away from my real life or feelings or impacts my relationships in any way at all, and certainly not in the way alcohol did (though it’s definitely something i “monitor” to make sure im not going down a path that starts to numb me again). so really appreciate you sharing this and looking forward to hearing more. xx
To me the endpoint of being sober / in recovery / healing has always been to finally belong to oneself. To retrace the steps before we got lost, or to try to carve a new path forward. It is a unique and never-ending spiritual task for each and everyone of us. I am always happy to read your words about how you're forging your own path. Thank you for sharing.
Oh, Elena-- this hit directly in my heart. What a lovely and on-point description, "to finally belong to oneself."
One of my friends screen grabbed this and texted it it to me yesterday. Thank you, Elena.
A big YES to your perfectly stated comment! My thoughts exactly (but better worded).
I also love "to finally belong to oneself." Thank you for those words. I'm turning 49 this summer and finally feel like I'm moving in that direction. It's sublime.
Well said!
Dear, dear, Holly, All I know, is that in 2016, after 20 plus years of drinking, I was able to stop with the help of Hip Sobriety and YOU. I wish I could convey the tenderness and compession I felt from you as I slowly woke up again. If you want to check in once in a while in a public way, I want to be there. If you need to close the door to all this craziness, that's fine with me, too. I'm just glad I didn't have to die like that. Only one thought.. Keep writing! You are a kick-ass writer, girl. Lots of love, Pam
Little pammy thank you for this—it’s you guys I think about a lot and this was like a little yummy gift. I love you madly,
Hi sweet Pam!!
Hi sweet Mimi
Hey Mimi… I hope you are doing well!
Pam, I was in the Spring 2017 class of Hip Sobriety and you captured my feelings better than I ever could!! Rooting for you endlessly, Holly! ❤️
And I bet you spell better! Yes, my world is better today because of Holly and Hip Sobriety 💕
I will be disappointed with anyone whose response to this is anything but “you do you.” You are one of the reasons the old paradigm of what “sobriety” means is changing, and it is changing for the better from “can never use any kind of substance ever again” to “do whatever makes your life long and happy and full.” Thank you for your honesty and bravery, as usual.
🙏🏻🫂
I agree. I’m 80 and have been having two glasses a wine a night. When I crave more I stop for months at a time then I use weed tincture. It has an altogether different effect on me. I feel more focused and more creative. Like you, Holly I have ADHD. In my case it causes terrible restlessness and the mj relieves some of that.
Love this.
Holly, your work (HOME podcast specifically) helped me get sober from marijuana addiction. I am forever grateful. One statement you wrote made me want to write here, “There’s a kind of limit on the type of acute damage you can do using pot”- I hope you never see what the depths of weed addiction can actually do to a life. I was locked in it for 22 years. You helped me climb out. I will never stop being grateful to you and most especially for your truth telling. I believe long term recovery is a true return to self, I honor your finding your way home to you. For anyone who might need it after reading this piece from Holly, I’ve written a three part piece on Marijuana Addiction, called “slow drain”. It’s on my Substack page.
Yeah that’s a tricky line and I meant it more in the overdose sense (I meant to contextualize it against using something like opioids again which is very different in terms of risk after a period of abstinence). I agree with your point and the insidious nature of cud which is qualitatively different and in its own ways (IMO!) more insidious than some other substances bc it’s “just pot” and now you can use it basically 24x7 in ever expanding delivery forms that disable you. I look forward to reading what you have and please feel free to link them here
Thanks for the invitation to do that. For any readers needing a voice on cannabis addiction- https://open.substack.com/pub/trasea/p/slow-drain-thoughts-on-marijuana?r=2ogm9u&utm_medium=ios
Really enjoyed what you've written. Thanks again for sharing it. (And it's written SO WELL.)
Thanks so much Tracey for such a powerful and vulnerable piece on marijuana addiction. I was 12 and a half years alcohol and THC sober when chronic nerve pain arrived in my . After trying many prescription meds without any relief I read an article in the Oprah magazine about how weed could be helpful for nerve pain.
Although I knew pot was something that was always a part of my pre-sober partying lifestyle, I reasoned that alcohol was really my main drug of choice and that giving pot a try for this unrelenting nerve pain was worth the risk. Although it did help with the nerve pain, I noticed pretty early on that I wanted to smoke even when I wasn't in pain. It then became a daily thing. Since pot seemed so benign compared to my alcohol addiction, I just continued to use and became a all day everyday smoker. The first month or so was fun in that I was getting the highs where you could really drop into that state of loving what you were seeing, hearing , tasting and feeling. But within a month or two the highs were very infrequent and pot just became something that I had to do all day everyday even though I really didn't get much out of it. I describe it as a slow-moving cancer. One thing I noticed right away was it robbed me of even an ounce of ambition. At the time I was starting to write my book "It's Not About Food, Drugs, or Alcohol: It's About Healing Complex PTSD" which is part Memoir part science-based research and part healing guide. Here's a link if you want to check it out.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BTNRG3YM
I knew there was no way that my book would ever see the light of day if I continued smoking.
All I can say is I'm glad I finally found a way to quit and was able to publish my book and am really proud that I was able to do so.
In fact I write an entire chapter about my experience with chronic pain and my journey with medical marijuana in it.
As I responded to Holly's post, I really, like really wanted to be able to smoke recreationally and worked with harm reduction specialists to be able to do so without success.
Although the harm reduction practitioner I worked with did help me let go of a lot of my shame I had over my pot use and I was able to reduce the amount I was smoking, I still couldn't get anything done.
After about a year of daily use without even being able to get high, I fell into a depression and knew that this path was not going to be sustainable for me.
I ended up hearing about neurofeedback being a way to regulate my nervous system so I wouldn't feel compelled to use pot to do it.
Miraculously it really reduced my cravings and within a month I was able to quit with relative ease.
This experience proved to me that I was medicating a chronically dysregulated nervous system due to unhealed trauma.
I wish I could say that I have been free from marijuana addiction since but after the end of two long-term relationships I did end up getting back into smoking and thankfully have been able to quit.
Marijuana has been a very slippery slope for me. Interestingly when I used to drink I never smoked as much as I did as when I started using after 12 and a half years of being totally sober.
I do give myself a lot of space and compassion to be my perfectly imperfect self, yet I also recognize that if I want to have a life worth living I can't give myself a pass to blow my life up with pot or any other substance .
It's so sad to me that the myth that pot is not addictive and that it's relatively benign is so prevalent in our culture.
From the research I've done one in 10 people will develop a marijuana use disorder. Before I did the research for my book I had no idea how marijuana has pretty much the same risk in terms of addiction is alcohol. Although it's side effects are not nearly as destructive, in many ways this less destructive aspect is what makes it so Insidious keep people using it.
Although I really wish I could have become a social user, it's just not in the cards for me. It says if I don't have a off button when it comes to pot or alcohol. And just knowing that is really helpful.
So thank you for your wonderful article on a topic that is woefully underwritten about.
And just to reiterate as I did in Holly's post I have no judgment on anyone that uses any including weed, because there are people that can use it socially and have a life that they love even if they're in recovery with alcohol or other drugs.
I just know for me there's not and off switch when it comes to pot. So I do what I know to do to stay out of denial of that and work toward healing my relational trauma so that I can find soothing and connection with myself and other people versus substances.
Thank you so so much for sharing. Beautifully phrased, some of us just don't have an off switch with pot. So much respect and solidarity.
I went right ahead and read your three-part piece on marijuana addiction. So poignant! And you're right, there aren't many stories about THC addiction and recovery (especially written by women, which are the voices I want to hear). I hope one day I'll have the courage to write my own. Thank you, this is important, your work is important.
excellent piece TS! your story resonated with me so much! what to do with the time...getting alcohol sober with HOME...i love(d) cannabis so much, its the withdrawal anxiety and panic when not using weed..this was my immediate thoughts re Holly's reveal.
Thanks. Writing each piece helped me. Tho, the first one, revisiting the depth of my addiction, wasn’t super fun to write. Thanks for reading!
In my opinion, Alcoholism was my problem, for which stopping drinking was the solution…. The easy part ( the hardest thing I have ever done ) the easy part.
Alcohol was the perfect fit for my ADHD and comorbid factors of depression and anxiety, until it just wasn’t.
Those comorbid factors are treatment resistant which is terrifying, make no mistake if I was to find something medically that helped, I would have no hesitation, MY issue was alcohol and I have been sober for 8 years.
Cannabis sober makes me anxious and paranoid, Holly you ARE sober, I don’t think this complicates your work which is incredible, I wish I had your work when I got sober.
So we are really dealing with allowing others judgments to affect how we live our lives, the way you are dealing with this makes your authenticity shine.
Just be/do you, your work is as a companion to being sober from Alcohol.
The rest is not anybody’s business, but thanks again for your honesty.
Onwards ✊🏻
I really love you and appreciate this very much. The ADHD stuff is so real and it’s another thread to pull (I read recently in one study some 42 percent of folks w SUD or maybe AUD had ADHD—41 percent were undiagnosed untreated.
Absolutely agree Holly! Go get em…
This is incredible! The whole point of recovery is to Feel Better, knowing your limitations and improvements upon those limitations until we die. You are not a brand -- you are a human! And a good one, at that. This is a welcome announcement that will help more people than it will hurt, I think.
Love you so much dude
The whole entire reason I revere QLAW is because you didn’t not aim to indoctrinate anyone into an ideology. You simply offered some clarity about a thing that does harm and invite readers to consider it from a conscious place. Because you did not lead with narcissistic methodology I was able to cultivate a unique inquiry with myself about my own life, journey, choices, neuronal circuitry that led me to make new choices from a place of agency. So here, I applaud you for your integrity to yourself. I recognize the burden of your public facing role and, not that you need to hear it from me, but you don’t owe us anything. Thank you, as always, for using your conscious vulnerability to offer so many an opportunity to stay awake to their own processes.
Julianna what a lovely note, thank you
Always here for you as a person way beyond you as a role, a representative, an object to project upon, a beacon. Your humanness is your gift, your deepest offering that feels like a glimmer, always. Thank you for sharing 💛💛💛
Oof, same sweet pea. I see you and you always write what’s in my heart. You had a hand in this.
Thank you for your honesty and integrity, which I don't think you owe anyone but also I am not surprised by given who you are.
I've been sober for 8 years now, and finding HipSobriety was what made that whole project viable after I went to AA and realised holy shit this is 100% not for, what am I supposed to do?
For me, not having the option to get fucked up recreationally is everything. As soon as that's on the table, it's like my brain doesn't know how to choose anything else. Yeah, I online shop and all the rest, but it still feels like at least some of the time I can choose a cup of herbal tea or a walk on the beach. With booze or pot etc. my brain is always like—why would I do anything else?
It's a little confronting to know I can't now kind of imagine being 'together' with you in that perspective, in that weird, imagined but also emotionally real-feeling 'togetherness' of internet connection. Probably because that knowledge is rare thing to share and because you helped me find a way of possessing it in the first place.
BUT those are MY feelings and MY lookout. And I have also seen in my own sobriety journey how many people have been able to make room for my huge changes and stick with me, and vice versa. I'd rather explore and learn from this discomfort, as I've always learned from you, than take the dissonance as a reason to disengage.
Thanks for everything you share and respect for everything you do not.
You never stop wrestling with the fundamental questions of being alive with rigour and precision and passion, and it's really a privilege to get to witness that, wherever it takes you.
As always thank you for your brain and heart. I wouldn’t say that we don’t share the same perspective, my guess is as this unfolds that will perhaps dissipate. I’ll be looking forward to your questions very much ♥️
Holly, I am so happy that you are writing about this! After being in recovery for several decades, I began smoking pot initially due to a chronic pain condition. Although it helped with my pain, I found early on that I wanted to smoke even when I wasn't in pain. As you have written about, the shame about " losing" my recovery was extremely painful given that my identity had been all about being clean and sober. After struggling with for over a year I decided that my goal was to be a social pot user. So, I worked with a harm reduction practitioner. Although it was very helpful in terms of reducing my use and it was also very de-shaming, I noticed that as a regular marijuana user I had little to no ambition to get anything done. It was during this time that I was writing my book. At the time I was just out of a long-term relationship and dealing with a lot of grief. So I told myself I was going to put my book on hold until I worked through it. Eventually it got to where I realized that if I continued to smoke that my book would never see the light of day. So , I ended up buying a neurofeedback system and using it to train my brain at home with the goal of quitting. It was miraculous in terms of my cravings dropping dramatically to where I was able to quit with relative ease. Of course I was seeing a therapist and working through trauma issues as well. So neurofeedback alone probably wouldn't have done the job, but without the neurofeedback I couldn't seem to quit. Please know that I have no issue with you or anyone that uses weed. Frankly I wish I could be a social smoker. But after a year or so it became clear I couldn't. One of the reasons I'm leaving a comment here is because recovery is messy. Sadly, in 12-step programs there's so much energy put on abstinence and continuous sobriety that to share about using pot is often signing up to be shamed and ostracized by fellow 12-steppers and other folks in recovery.
Thankfully I found a new 12-step program called Psychedelics in Recovery-PIR that has been a godsend. It's all about defining your own recovery, not focusing on time, but focusing on healing trauma, attachment wounds and all of the other issues that cause so much unbearable pain that we reach for something to regulate our nervous systems. In fact in PIR many of the members use cannabis and/or psychedelics to enhance their healing and Recovery. It's the only 12-step group that I feel truly safe in and one that is totally focused on trauma healing, ifs, attachment healing, family of origin issues, and more. There are also many members who have decades of recovery in it. For me it's like the enlightened AA!
So Bravo to you for sharing this part of your recovery Journey since so many of us have or are undoubtedly experiencing the same or other issues with substances or behaviors that become problematic. But due to the shame and stigma of using mind-altering substances most folks aren't willing to share about it. I have relapsed with pot several times subsequent to training my brain with neurofeedback after the pain and heartbreak of a long-term relationship ending. However today I give myself a whole lot of space to be my imperfectly perfect self and have compassion towards myself since I no longer look at these lapses as a personal failure but as a signal that I am in extreme pain. As Gabor Mate says I ask myself not why the addiction but why the pain.
The truth is that everybody reaches for substances or behaviors to soothe themselves, but those of us in recovery have the shameful feeling of failure about losing our recovery where those who aren't in recovery with substances can look at what worked what didn't and get back on track without experiencing the huge spiral of shame.
Thank you for your vulnerable share and know that you are helping so many people including me know that this is often part of the recovery Journey.
Dear dear Mary, thank you so much for writing this all out and sharing so much. I think there's a lot of people that will get a lot out of it (including me); the second to last paragraph is so accurate.
You are so welcome! FYI,I do dedicate an entire chapter in my book "It's Not About Food, Drugs, or Alcohol: It's About Healing Complex PTSD" titled chronic pain and my journey with medical marijuana to this exact topic. I also talk a lot about how "relapse" is more often part of the journey than not for people that struggle with substances. Yet it's so stigmatized and taboo in 12-step that most people never talk about it and unfortunately never returned to recovery. Please know I'm not implying that your use of cannabis is a relapse. For me, when I was using cannabis, I looked at it as an experiment, not a relapse. I also dedicate an entire chapter on the topic of relapse and the shame about it in the third section of my book on options for people who struggle with substances.
By the way I did finally get the audible version of my book recorded. I found a great audio engineer who came to my home and helped me record it in my walk-in closet LOL. I'd be happy to send you a free link if you would like to listen to it versus read it.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BTNRG3YM
Thank you again for your beautiful writing and sharing with such heart and vulnerability. Those of us in the recovery World need your voice!
https://www.psychedelicsinrecovery.org/
You are definitely not the only person with mixed feelings or on the matter and they are many people out there trying to grasp and understand as things have constantly been shifting with legalization. I quit smoking pot recreationally quite a few years before I stopped drinking because it now longer felt like it agreed with my biochemistry or where my head was at at the time. Eventually I picked up CBD and microdosing cannabis to treat migraines as needed. When I found myself sober and single for the first time I dramatically felt myself torn between two worlds. On one side I ran into people who had no interest in hanging out if I wasn't smoking and even some old friends I had reconnected with were constantly trying to McConaughey me into smoking even though I was very vocal about not wanting to. On the other side I encountered many sober people who were very anti-cannabis even medicinally some who couldn't even consider dating me because of it even a few (not all) whom used rx meds on a regular basis like adderal, Xanax, hormones etc. I Also encountered people in between who had had issues with alcohol and or other drugs but found cannabis kept them stable and still consider themselves sober. Of course this isn't the case for most people and with legalization it seems like people developing issues and problems with canbabis has grown and organizations like Marijuana Anonymous have become more prevelant. That being said there are a lot of people that have found use for it theraputically, medically and psychologically for things like migraine,epilepsy, depression,ptsd,gi,and cramping and still the way people use it and separation from recreation have developed very blurred boundaries. Personally I have no issues with someone that uses canbabis recreationally or medicinally but I also don't want to or feel the need to hang out in a circle and take bong rips with anyone like I did when I was 19. But I also now find myself around more people that don't smoke or it's something that's not a regular part of their lives and some people in between. Things are constantly changing and we as people are constantly changing and sometimes we need to be in our lives is where we need to be and what we need to do for ourselves and not everything is fixed. I hope the backlash you are experiencing is not too bad I know there are quite a few people who have /are experiencing it too.
So generous—thank you for this.
Fully, absolutely here for this. I cannot wait for this next book. This is a reminder that it is okay to grow and change and explore and stay curious (all things I certainly couldn’t have done if I was still drinking.) LOVE ❤️
Shayna ♥️
All I have to say is THANK YOU. For your honesty, for not going away because the world needs you and your genius voice Holly. I have followed you and Laura since Home and I feel so priviliged to be someone who has watched both of your miraculous evolutions that you have so generously shared publicly. You have been a brave and steadfast light on this path for so many of us just by being HONEST and showing us its okay to be brave and honest too. Much love to you and I will continue to support you and your work in whatever way YOU choose to show up <3. Keep going you gorgeous soul! And bravo.
Molly ♥️🫂
I suppose I fall into the category of this not affecting me either way, but I am genuinely curious: Why? I'd love to know about the first spark of curiosity in you, up to the moment you actually used it. There was a line in your book at the end of a paragraph that always stood out to me: "Does it make you hate yourself, even just a little?" Does it? Or not anymore for you? I wish I was speaking these words instead of typing them so you could hear my tone and know it's from a place of warmth and love for you and all that you've provided. Like others have said, you've been a change-maker in my life and I will always value your experiences and your voice.
I hear your kind questioning tone lol, don’t you worry and thank you for this.Im mot in answer mode here today but its a great question. 🙏🏻
Yes, I came here with this same question! I’m interested in hearing more about the goings on in her brain/feelings/emotions/discomforts/etc. that coincided with using pot. Not because I’m judging, I’m not; I’m just genuinely curious because sobriety is such a wild ride. I’m selfishly hoping she shares more on this! 🙃
THANK GOODNESS for your gift of re-thinking, re-focusing, and re-addressing your life on every level as you continue to learn, change, and grow. All of us should be so lucky as to re-examine the 'rules' we think define us. This is a brave share and I hope it will make many others feel less alone. Thank you!
Love you love you love you. Thank you for holding my hand through this
thank you for this, holly! everyone’s definition of sobriety is different for sure - for me, i also consider myself sober and do smoke weed recreationally, as well as take mushrooms on occasion. it’s not something that takes me away from my real life or feelings or impacts my relationships in any way at all, and certainly not in the way alcohol did (though it’s definitely something i “monitor” to make sure im not going down a path that starts to numb me again). so really appreciate you sharing this and looking forward to hearing more. xx
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