15 things I do to maintain sobriety after four years in recovery
Update, 2022: I wrote this in 2017, a much different version of myself at a much different time. I am leaving it mostly intact, and while I don’t necessarily believe some of these things anymore (for instance, I don’t think you need to have “a purpose” to get sober or stay sober), these things were very true for me at that point in my recovery. As always, I trust the reader as the ultimate authority.
October 2nd will mark four years since the morning I woke up in my San Francisco apartment, fell on the floor, and screamed to God I needed help. While it took me about six months from that moment to finally quit drinking and another fifteen months to quit doing the drugs, it was at that exact moment my recovery began.
This piece here is not to tell you how I hang on, how I keep sober, how I don't end up on the floor drunk or high or any of those things we fear will happen to those who once were addicted to a chemical substance. This is simply what I do in my real life today, four years into this journey, not so that I don't slip up, but so that I don't fall asleep and forget how grand and delicious life really is, and don't go back to needing to escape it.
I wanted to do this because while this blog is dedicated to providing tools for all stages of recovery, most the "how-to" content goes into depth about how I got through some of the earlier challenges, but never really addresses what it all looks like now. My hope is that this helps you no matter where you are.
Keep in mind:
This has all evolved over time and will continue to
These practices and approaches are based on my own narrow world experience and specific needs
I have means, privilege, a flexible schedule; not everything listed is accessible. This is a list meant to share resources and give ideas, not a list that exists to make you feel like you’re not doing it right, doing enough, or that you won’t be successful in recovery if you don’t have means
The 15 things I do now to stay on my path
1. Daily meditation practice
So here's a confession: I'm probably the worst meditator in the world. I don't follow the rules, I rarely do the same practice, I sometimes switch between meditations right in the middle of one I've started, and often times I'll sit down to do a 20-minute sit and at 11 minutes peace out. Sometimes, I use my meditation times to fantasize about coffee, or sex, or both, and most of the time I do it in my bed and not on my zafu (meditation cushion). It is so the meditation practice of a woman with ADHD. But guess what? Who cares what it looks like or how good I am at it? I meditate. And I do it almost every day, and I have for nearly four years, and because I've been doing it for four years, it's baked into the fabric of who I am that skipping it is harder than doing it.
I credit my meditation practice for about 1,000 things, but primarily for my ability to remain calm and “non-reactive” (compared to my previous levels of calm and non-reactive), increased tolerance for pain and discomfort, increased focus, a more positive mind, healthy relationships with friends and family, increased ability to hold boundaries and shake things off, lowered anxiety and led to fewer incidences of depression, agility in life, and the strength to stand in my own space and brave whatever it is that is thrown at me. It is, in fact, the best thing that has ever happened to me (and those around me).
>>Actual practice: On average 15 minutes of meditation a day, can range from 5 to 30 minutes. I use Kundalini (mostly self-led from manuals I own, or I follow Kia Miller on glo.com), vipassana as taught by Goenka, or insight as taught by James Baraz. It doesn’t really matter though! There are so many different resources available now to help us; guided meditations, apps, timers, centers. You have to be willing to try different things to find what’s right for you.
2. Regular yoga practice
I've written quite a bit on how much yoga has changed my life, and I won't go into it too much here (you can read here about the 9 Ways Yoga Helped Me Recover From Addiction). My yoga practice has remained pretty consistent throughout my recovery, and I've used both Vinyasa Flow and Kundalini Yoga (I'm certified to teach both; please see my update regarding the Kundalini community and the sexual assault charges against Yogi Bhajan). Currently, I practice yoga about four times a week, sometimes more, sometimes less. I go to a heated Vinyasa studio in my neighborhood, and I have a home practice that primarily consists of Kundalini.
Yoga is my primary form of physical exercise and take care of my physical body, which is essential to my well-being. If I skip more than four days in a row, things start to go bad pretty quickly.
>>Actual practice: I do yoga on average four to seven times a week, 30-minute to 90-minute classes. Home practice is done through Glo and some of my favorite classes are: Heart and Soul (Kundalini, 45 minutes), Shine From The Inside Out (Kundalini, 45 minutes), Access A Deep Meditative State (Kundalini, 45 minutes), Quick Hip Flow (Vinyasa, 20 minutes), Invigorating Glow Flow (Vinyasa, 30 minutes), and If You Can't Stand The Heat Flow For Recovery (Vinyasa for Addiction Recovery, 30 minutes).
Most of my yoga practice happens at home with my glo.com account, which is $24 a month.
3. Hydration
One of the easiest, cheapest and most effective ways I keep myself feeling good is to hydrate. I drink on average 4 liters of water a day, usually more. Drinking water is one of the best things we can do for ourselves, it has myriad health benefits such as aiding in liver detox and keeping us feeling satiated (and out of craving), aids elimination, and helps to maintain emotional balance.
>>Actual practice: I drink around 4 to 6 liters of water a day. I carry around a 1-liter glass bottle that I refill, and I sleep with a 32 ounce mason jar next to my bed. I order my water from a service that provides alkaline water and use a cheap pump from Amazon. I also just recently re-incorporated hot lemon water, cayenne, and turmeric into my morning routine (first thing, before coffee).
4. Sleep
I used to believe that highly successful people needed only 5.5 hours of sleep because I read that's how much Oprah sleeps. For years I managed this and even bragged about how sleep deprived I was and how I could function on no sleep at all. But then in 2015 when my health took a dive and I stopped being able to get out of bed in the morning, I decided perhaps I might not be Oprah.
I spent a month not using my alarm, just letting my body sleep until the time it wanted to, and then moved to a more reasonable 7 or 8 hours of sleep a night. I'm still a workaholic, and I still tend to push myself to sleep deprive when I'm in "Get Shit Done" mode, but I'm careful to catch myself when I start abusing my body and pushing myself too far. I've also found I'm more productive and fruitful with more sleep and fewer working hours in the day than I am the other way around.
>>Actual practice: On average I get about 7 hours of sleep a night. I go to bed at 9 or 10pm, and wake up at 4 or 5am. If I go to bed late, I sleep in to accommodate to make sure I get enough. In times that I have to deprive myself of sleep, I make up for it by giving myself a day in bed and I try and increase my meditation practice and drink more water (I don't know if this helps but I feel like it does). My favorite resources on sleep come from my friend Mary Vance: How Much Sleep Do You Really Need?, Good Sleep Hygiene, 10 Secrets For Sound Sleep. I use ear plugs, low-dose melatonin, a sleep mask, and black-out curtains.
5. Extreme self-care
I engage in extreme self-care, which means: My first concern is taking care of myself. I nap a lot. Then I nap more. I stay in and sleep more than I do anything else. I prioritize yoga and meditation, dress as comfortably as possible, take baths a few times a week, diffuse essential oils, buy the fancy tea and the special face cream and the best best best coffee, read yummy books, visit beautiful places and see beautiful things, stick my hands in the dirt, move my body, chase my wonder, prioritize spending time with people who make me feel good (and only people who make me feel good), dance when I want to dance, sing when I want to sing, don't go to parties I don't want to go to, talk to myself like I would my 3-year-old niece, listen to good music and watch good movies, laugh a lot, eat what I want to eat based on how my body is feeling, set clear boundaries, repeat positive affirmations, and do a lot of other magical shit to take care of this sweet little body, mind and spirit.
>>Actual practice: All of this shit above! Really
6. Diet
To be clear I do not "diet" and I have not "dieted" for years. I'm in recovery from multiple eating disorders, and I am an extremist who tends to take things way too far; eating to manipulate my weight isn’t an option. I am, however, interested in eating to optimize my health and vitality. Since quitting drugs and alcohol I've become a lot more sensitive to how I feel, and there is a huge desire to feel my best. To achieve this end without going overboard, I have a casual approach (not unlike intuitive eating). I prefer to be mindful and informed over clinical, precise, disciplined or regimented, and I keep in mind five intentions: 1. support my gut health, 2. be kind to my liver, 3. keep my brain chemistry in check, 4. balance my blood sugar, and 5. balance my endocrine system (hormones).
These five things are important to pay attention to for those of us who struggle with chemical addiction for a variety of reasons. Mostly because our body gets completely screwed-up by what we put it through and these areas are hit the hardest, and we have to recover them along with the rest of ourselves. Also, a majority of us struggle with depression and anxiety, and how we eat to support these five systems makes a difference in our mood and coping ability.
>>Actual practice: First and foremost, I'm careful not to go overboard with any food or diet change. If I feel like I'm trying to control my weight through eating it's a problem; if I'm just trying to feel better, it's not. I've read a ton about the five areas mentioned above - gut, brain, hormone, blood sugar, and liver. My favorite resources are The Kalish Method, The Diet Cure, and Mary Vance's blog.
Here is what I'm currently doing for the following:
For gut health, added in probiotic and sauerkraut and mind my sugar intake. I am mindful of gluten, soy products, dairy, and highly processed foods. None of this is a rule, I don’t exclude entire groups of food, I just know how things affect me and make my decisions based upon that. If I am craving something, I never stop myself from eating it; I do not deny.
For liver detox, I mostly no longer use chemical products in my home or on my skin, I drink plenty of water and eat a lot of crucifers and raw vegetables. Mostly I just mind the fact that anything that has a lot of shit in it makes my liver work overtime.
For brain chemistry balance, I try and eat quality proteins. I've recently stopped eating meat again (after a hiatus from vegetarianism that started with recovery) SAVE beef because I bruise without it. I eat a lot of healthy fats like avocado and coconut and nut butters; I go through a ton of olive oil.
For blood sugar balance, I eat first thing in the morning, eat at regular intervals, and try and avoid high glycemic foods. I also am careful to follow up a meal that will leave me shaky (like coffee and pastry) with something more substantial like a spoonful of tahini. Also, I include lots of healthy fats.
For hormone balance, I get enough sleep, and my dairy consumption is in general very low. I also manage my stress (I have a huge toolbox for this one), don't drink alcohol, and care for my liver.
All this being said, I also live, and I'm never restrictive because restriction always backfires (meaning, I might cut something out, but I do it to gain something like feeling healthy, not to control something). I try to eat right and work to be healthy 70% of the time. I am also really really kind to myself about this stuff and don't beat myself up for being human. I try my best, and I am more about slow change over time rather than immediate dramatic hits.
7. Breath
Breath is by far one of the most important tools that I use in my daily life. I use it to manage my energy, calm my mind, come back into my body, and as a tool in stressful moments. Using breath is probably my number one tool, over meditation, because it has a dramatic and immediate effect, and because it is more accessible than meditation (you can do it anywhere).
>>Actual practice: Sometimes instead of meditation I'll do a Kundalini breathing practice (currently loving Breathe, Breathe, Breathe (Kundalini, 20 minutes)). I use Long Deep Breaths throughout the day when I remember to (here is a tutorial), and use myriad other breath techniques. I love the 4-7-8 breath, Jennifer Patterson has a a great book, and I still refer back to this Kundalini book on breath.
8. Healthy friendships
While I know a lot of people and love knowing a lot of people (like you and my recovery community and basically all the humans because I love humans), I keep my circle small and tight, and the friendships I invest in are reciprocal, supportive and loving. End of story. No more frenemy crap, no more backstabbing bullshit, no more drama, no more asking myself Why am I friends with that person again?, no more hanging out or spending time with people that make me feel bad about myself, no more surface friendships where we pretend that everything is cool when it's not, no more any of that stuff. My friendships are one of the easiest parts of my life. Also, because I am constantly growing, and so are most of my friends, I am very much okay with letting friendships come to their natural end. That means even friends I have made in recovery have come and gone, and that’s just perfect.
9. Spiritual investigation
From the moment my knees hit the floor that day in October 2012, I've been on a mission to not only break free of my living hell, but to also tap into that part of me that is connected, knowing, and eternal; the part I had forgotten. Though I don't talk a lot about it on this blog, my spirituality is THE thingthat sustains me and keeps me in the game and in my wonder and that ultimately gets me through the hardest of the times and the darkest of the days. It's also the part that I'll never be done exploring and pursuing…I want to know all the answers, I want to keep pulling the thread, I want to see how far I can go and how much I can burn through in this life I've been given.
>>Actual practice: I mean: prayer, meditation, endless books, Dharma talks, nature, workshops and classes, silent meditation retreats, play, chanting/kirtan/singing, perpetual wonder, tarot cards, remembering that all of it is God. I have a few dozen books I recommend on the subject that I’ll make a list of, maybe, one day.
10. Major boundaries, frequent use of the word no
About 18 months ago on the phone with my coach, depleted and sobbing and a total shell of a person from giving everything to everyone all the time, I found myself telling her that I wanted to quit my job because I just couldn't do what was being asked of me. She asked me how much I said no, and I said something to the effect that I wasn't allowed to say no at this point in building Hip Sobriety, and then she asked me if there was anyone in my life that I looked up to that seemed to have good boundaries. I'd recently been to lunch with an advisor, and he'd run in on time and told me he had exactly 30 minutes and then he'd left exactly 30 minutes later in a hurry with most of my questions for him unanswered. I told her about him, and mentioned this was his typical MO, and she asked me how it made me feel. As I heard myself say "I totally respect him, value his time, and know if my feelings ever get hurt by his actions it's on me, not him, because he's clear with his boundaries" a lightbulb went off. When she asked me what the difference was between us, I told her something like: He teaches people how to treat him, whereas I hope people will telepathically understand what I want and that I never have to hurt anyone's feelings.
Sobriety had forced me to start drawing boundaries. It's part of the deal: if we want to get better, we have to learn to say no. But starting Hip Sobriety and working with clients and trying to get the word out and gain experience and build something like this threw me back into the boundary fire. I felt I wasn't allowed to say no, and I had an idea that other people's feelings and needs were more important than my general health and wellbeing. It wasn't until I was on the floor and sick and unable to do my work at all that I was able to start creating realistic and healthy boundaries.
Saying no and boundaries is this ongoing practice; it started with saying no to alcohol, and it continues to develop as I continue to experience my life and find my edges. In all honesty, this should probably be #1.
11. Life as the ultimate classroom
During the construction of this essay, I got a text message that made me lose my shit. Without thinking, without breathing, without much else but blind fury, I responded and made the situation worse and then spent the next few hours in defense mode, building a case in my head for how right I was and for how wrong she was. Right before going to bed and at a total loss for how to shake my indignation, I scrolled through Facebook, and the first thing I saw was a quote of mine from a recent podcast I'd done. It said, "I look forward to the rising." So. There I was with my five-year-old self driving the bus, and there in black and white were my own words reflected back to me, reminding me that each difficult thing we encounter in this life is only an opportunity to rise. And so I put my big-girl pants back on, checked my ego, and went back to the rising.
Before I got sober, I would have probably said that I wanted to have a good life, it was just things so often worked against me; so many detours. Now, years in, I believe the opposite: a good life comes from the experience of it, from living it and working with the good and the bad and the ugly. Some of the most God awful unwanted experiences of my life have yielded treasure I would have never had otherwise; and some of the things I wanted almost ruined me, and both of those things are perfect; it’s the living that makes us. This mindset allows me to wake up in the morning excited to see what tf is going to happen; not dreading it.
>>Actual practice: I am open to, and work with, whatever is. I trust (even if I freak the fuck out, even if I don’t want it, even if I loath it, even if it has me in bed for a week or a month or a year, even if I forget everything I said above; I don’t refuse life.)
12. Affirmations
I use a ton of positive self-affirmations. That’s it. I am careful of the language I use in my head, and as much as I am possible, I intentionally choose expansive, yummy, exciting, nurturing words.
>>Actual practice: I have five to ten concepts I work with at a time (i.e., “I am lovable”; “I am perfect as I am right now in this moment”; “life is always working out for me”) and I repeat those statements (whatever they are, they change) each morning for ten minutes and feel them in my body. I write down about twenty affirming things each morning, whether it be gratitudes or just things I want to remember that I easily forget. Meditation gives me space to catch the loop in my head and when I hear myself saying limiting or hateful things, I choose different words. I use things like The Mantra Project. I keep post-its around my house of concepts I want to really burn into my brain. I use the Reminders app on my iPhone and it goes off throughout the day with positive messages. If this seems like overkill, remember that we are hit with thousands of disempowering, negative messages throughout the day, and that we’ve probably spent most of our lives practicing abusive self-talk.
13. Purpose* and creativity
There is probably nothing more important than both going after what I believe to be my purpose in life (this work), and channeling my energy into creative outlets. For my work, I've hit the jackpot because I can both go after my purpose and channel my creative side. Writing on this blog, producing my podcast, learning as much as I can about addiction, speaking my voice on what I feel needs to change and doing it regardless of how much it scares me, putting together this website and new tools and products, all of these things and more both give me purpose, and allow me to create.
I believe ALL of us have a purpose for being on this earth, that our hearts are constantly calling us to that purpose, that we are infinitely creative and here to create, and when we deny these things within ourselves and stuff them down, it's more destructive than almost anything else. We must listen to the thing within us that wants to come out, and then take the action to bring it forth. Whether it's volunteering, country line dancing, knitting scarves, starting a business, switching careers to follow our passion, learning to play a musical instrument, learning to garden, taking pictures with our phones, taking care of other people, whatever, if we’re called to it, it’s not a mistake.
>>Actual practice: My job fills my purpose and creative needs, and I'm motivated by a deep sense of belief that this work is why I'm here. In terms of pure creativity for the sake of creating, I take a lot of pictures, and do other simple things like putting together outfits. Two suggested resources are The Great Work of Your Life and The War of Art. Big Magic is good, too.
I eat/breathe/sleep/drink fixing the mess that is alcohol addiction and addiction recovery. My work gives meaning to my life, and it is what I believe to be my reason for being here. Bonus, it feels as much of a creative pursuit as it does a mission
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14. I allow myself to be a messy human
I used to subscribe to Real Simple magazine with the belief that if I had guest towels, knew how to can my own pickles, and could wrap perfect presents then somehow I would have "made it" as a respectable woman. And when I started this path, I began to subscribe to an idea that if I no longer got angry, said mean things, overreacted, felt jealous, got depressed, or any other of the thousand things us humans are subject to being and feeling, then I would have made it as the model sober lady. I don't believe in this crap anymore. As of this moment I'm not wearing underwear or deodorant, I haven't washed my hair in four days, and I have no idea what my checking account balance is. I missed three weddings this month and still owe gifts, this blog is a week late, and I only put mascara on one eye this morning. My dish set consists of four salad plates, my towel set is from 2001, and until two weeks ago I kept my underwear in a stained canvas bag. I still call my mommy to vent about how unfair life is, I get jealous and feel small, I say mean things when I don't mean to, I don't like some people for no reason at all, and I still can get sucked into gossip (but only if it's good). All this is to say, I'm a human, and being a human is hard enough without believing that we have to be perfect or achieve some sense of "there." I will never be "there," EVER, unless somehow I get spontaneous enlightenment. I try my best. That's it. And I love love love that I'm more of a LIz Lemon than I am a Gwyneth Paltrow.
>>Actual practice: Being cool with the fact that I'm a human, and remembering that all humans are big, broken messes in their own unique way and NO ONE has it figured out.
15. Persistence over discipline
I often talk about how that day in October 2012 wasn't the day that my recovery began, but the day I stopped walking away from myself. In my mind, that day on my knees in my apartment on my floor, broken and snotty and filthy and tired, I didn't enter into some quest just to stop drinking, because if that was all this was about, I can promise you I'd still be drinking. That day was the day that I finally began my Hero's Journey, the day I answered my call to adventure and was ripped from the ordinary world never to return again.
From the beginning, the only thing I knew to do was the next thing. I never had a plan, never had a regimen or a discipline or a step-by-step way out. It was more of a thronging burning desire to be free from my hell, which over time turned into a relentless pursuit of my heaven. Which is all to say for me, this has never been about perfection or doing something exactly. This has only been about one thing and one thing only: finding the place in me that will not fucking give up no matter what, and then, of course, not giving up.
>>Actual practice: I keep showing up, even when it's all falling apart.
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