This: "Mostly though, I chose not to because everything I ever wanted in my entire life and searched for everywhere else has come to me through the choice to not drink. I said no because no means yes to everything that actually matters to me, now that I know what matters. You said you don't want to miss out on celebrations, on life; I am telling you I don't either, and that is how I consistently do not drink. There is absolutely nothing more depriving of life than the need to use drugs to experience it." Thanks Holly, you are everything.
I felt every word of this piece. The desire to feel normal, loved, accepted. It makes me feel less alone and more lonely at the same time. I wonder why our brains betray us to want more, what we don’t have, and to fool us into romanticizing things we don’t want, need or truly love. You hit me in the gut with this!
Oh, this is soooo good. And so on time for me... about to take my first solo road trip in a very, very long time. Lots and lots of considerations about how "strong" I am now (with nagging thoughts that maybe I'm fragile), how much I've learned (and to please remember all that, girl!), how much growth I've done, mixed with an awareness of being out in the world on my own where anything could happen, if I let it.
It is such a dumb idea that we're not "supposed" to have cravings, that even having them means we're fragile. With the world on fire in so many ways, who doesn't crave something that would soothe the pain? I find myself lately remembering how soothing a glass of wine was. But some small part of me still believed I shouldn't crave it at all. Thank you for making that point - I guess I needed to hear it from the outside to believe it.
The paragraph beginning with "So it burned a little..." has already been printed out for my scrapbook, so I can go back to it later!
Bless you, Holly, for all this writing. It *always* reaches straight inside me and pulls out something I need. Love to you.
i never noticed anything about asking us to post a question or I definitely would have. I will now as soon as I figure it out. I love this answer and can relate to it to the bottom of my soul. The alcohol voice convincing us that it is not that big of a deal, even after 9 YEARS of alcohol free. Happened to me at 7 years. It is so convincing at times. I am amazed at your resilience to get that diet coke in THAT moment. The alcohol voice is the most abusive spouse or partner I can ever imagine: "just one more time. It will be different this time". It is so absolutely horrifying to me how easy this is. I know this has been said before many times in recovery circles but bears repeating over and over: imagine recovering from a heroin addiction and then being offered it several times a day, told it will make my day better, watching it on every movie and every tv show and every. single. person. place and situation makes it seem like it is a good idea. I would say overcoming alcohol addiction makes us heros to ourselves in the biggest way imaginable.
ugh I said it in passing a few emails back, over a few emails; I'm still learning how to use this platform <3 I'll keep saying it but thanks for letting me know you didn't see it.
On the point of being offered it all the time, I I wrote this part and took it out but to your point:
Of course with alcohol, the sometimes worst part about it is that it doesn't just go away; quitting alcohol can be like your ex marrying your sister or your ex just showing up to every meal, celebration, book club, yoga class, first date, second date, third date, vacation, funeral, airport, hotel room, and holiday asking if you are sure you don't want to fuck again. And you have to say no every god damn time and then you have to watch your ex fuck everyone else around you, every day! Something like that. You can't outrun it or banish it from memory or block it in your phone like you could an actual person.
just read this! Lol (I'm a little slow) but so spot on! on top of that, fighting the inner ASSHOLE voice that lies to us about ________________. LOTS OF STUFF.
OMG! Thank you so much for this posting today.I am 4.5 months AF and I am feeling so much better, sleeping,clearer in my thinking. I found your book instrumental in helping me appreciate the journey and the complexity of it and what to anticipate. I also, have ended a relationship I was staying in from fear of being alone. I have known it was not a relationship I wanted but did not have the courage to leave.....so I drank my way through it. Being AF is what has given me the courage to fly solo. BUT I still get scared and lonely, and I sometimes I feel giving him up was harder than giving up alcohol because I don't have a support group or books to read about all the great things that can happen when you leave a less than satisfying, stimulating relationship and Fall In Love with Your Own Life. I am actually thinking of offering a workshop on that topic. We teach what we need to learn. For some reason today is a particularly hard day for me. I actually called him 2 hours ago and he didn't pick up. That hurt and yet I am relieved because I DONOT want to go back..I need to remember what wasn't there. Just like drinking wasn't fun..... Thank you for the reminder. So much Gratitude. Keep it coming.xoxo
Oh honey it's so real. When I stopped drinking, this part of me really flared up and fucking a if I didn't totally unleash this five year old aspect of me that could not control herself at all. I think in some ways working with this--the love stuff, the codependency stuff, whatever we call it--has been harder, or at least had a much longer tail. I went back to the same therapist I used to get quit drinking in order to "quit love" or whatever toxic patterns those were and I remember her saying "do you want to give this behavior up? Because you WANTED to stop drinking," and I said no. I don't. I'm not done. I don't think I got done with it until maybe 2019. Honestly. Or at least done with letting the part of me that thrives on the drama lead. I don't know if this resonates, I think I'm just saying, I get what you are saying.
Holly, I've been following your work for many years and you is a wise woman!
14ish years trying to figure out my drinking only to finally figure out it was never the drink. It was me. My inner shit that I just could not and did not want/know how to face. I've had 2yrs, 3yrs, 5yrs etc.. and every time I went back it was because it was too uncomfortable to not be me. Cravings are hard! I still have them. I can accept them now with more ease because I now understand them a bit better. Always a work in progress :)
Letter writer, if you're reading this, I feel you. Time and support will heal.
You put into words everything I have to say but cant find words to say it! I haven’t drank since 24th of September 2020 and - although I am really proud of myself - I owe you loads for this crystal clear life I have had since then. I am glad to have you on my side!
2 years, 3 months and 14 days sober and while it is no longer something I think about every day, when the cravings do hit, they can hit HARD. Thank you for sharing, your words and willingness to share bring light and hope and community and all the good things. I have more than once contemplated the solo binge. That seductive temptation of " No one would ever know". But I would know. And I never want to abandon myself again. Thank you thank you thank you.
"the solo binge" lol. I would know. That's the point. And I wouldn't like it. And it would make all those other times that come after harder. For me. Thanks for this Lauren. xx
Yes, thanks for this Lauren. I will be using your words as mantra: "But I would know. And I never want to abandon myself again." Thank YOU, I needed it to be said this way.
Yessss! Holly, first off thank you-your writing and experiences “click” for me. I really appreciate you and your work.
I am 5 weeks in (whoo!) and just experienced my first bachelorette party, sober or otherwise. The bride is my future sister-in-law and at one point, she mentioned the disappointment she experiences when a hangover takes away the joy from a special moment or celebration. My heart hurt for her as I know that feeling well, and think I will send her your book (trying to balance feelings of “EVERYONE NEEDS TO READ THIS” and a more gentle/supportive approach!). Curious others thoughts when they’ve experienced girlfriends saying something similar….
I missed drinking as a way to feel like I “fit in” or almost to assure others I was “having fun”, but v proud of myself! <3
lol I know. I am always like "well, if you really want to be hangover free forever, I have a slide deck to walk you through." "I know a guy." I personally have been very much do what you want, and I talk about my recovery, and some people just show up. I got an email on facebook not long ago from a friend of a friend who you know, re-evaluated her drinking because people did that out loud. Anyway congrats on 5 weeks and on your first bachelorette party!! xx
Wow! Holly this is so profound and so honest and true like you!!! I’ve been thinking a lot about sobriety and that it has something to do for me of a decision to pick something more for myself than will powering it through. Allowing the willpower way though does lead to the decision? Does that make sense. I’m having a lonely day and this made me feel like I just have lost faith for a moment. It does go back to early life maybe parents preoccupied they left us for something else their own drink their own smoke their own loneliness so we did it to ourselves. I left over and over for the candy store. It’s such a process to be present with ourselves and anyone. I love you and all of these wonderful people making comments I see you and I hear you and you are not alone because I read what you wrote!! Keep writing Holly you have so much in there 🥰🥰🥰🥰
I think I know what you're asking or saying; and I think I rely on all of it. In some moments, yeah, will power. In others, the long game and the trade off (I like my life, I Like not drinking); and still think, if I'm honest with myself, it's sustained by the idea of just not fucking questioning it. I committed; I'm done; no wiggle room. I have lonely days too; I lose hope a lot. The thing is though, it's always passing, fleeting. Hope comes back. sending you lots of tenderness.
This was beautifully expressed and written. Thank you.
Thank you Gabrielle <3
This: "Mostly though, I chose not to because everything I ever wanted in my entire life and searched for everywhere else has come to me through the choice to not drink. I said no because no means yes to everything that actually matters to me, now that I know what matters. You said you don't want to miss out on celebrations, on life; I am telling you I don't either, and that is how I consistently do not drink. There is absolutely nothing more depriving of life than the need to use drugs to experience it." Thanks Holly, you are everything.
thanks Madeleine for fishing this out. Love you.
I felt every word of this piece. The desire to feel normal, loved, accepted. It makes me feel less alone and more lonely at the same time. I wonder why our brains betray us to want more, what we don’t have, and to fool us into romanticizing things we don’t want, need or truly love. You hit me in the gut with this!
I don't know and I wish I did. It hit me too, writing it that is. xx
Oh, this is soooo good. And so on time for me... about to take my first solo road trip in a very, very long time. Lots and lots of considerations about how "strong" I am now (with nagging thoughts that maybe I'm fragile), how much I've learned (and to please remember all that, girl!), how much growth I've done, mixed with an awareness of being out in the world on my own where anything could happen, if I let it.
It is such a dumb idea that we're not "supposed" to have cravings, that even having them means we're fragile. With the world on fire in so many ways, who doesn't crave something that would soothe the pain? I find myself lately remembering how soothing a glass of wine was. But some small part of me still believed I shouldn't crave it at all. Thank you for making that point - I guess I needed to hear it from the outside to believe it.
The paragraph beginning with "So it burned a little..." has already been printed out for my scrapbook, so I can go back to it later!
Bless you, Holly, for all this writing. It *always* reaches straight inside me and pulls out something I need. Love to you.
I couldn't agree more. You're going to have the most amazing time on that road trip, I just know it. Love you from here.
Hit me where it heals. So relatable.
<3
i never noticed anything about asking us to post a question or I definitely would have. I will now as soon as I figure it out. I love this answer and can relate to it to the bottom of my soul. The alcohol voice convincing us that it is not that big of a deal, even after 9 YEARS of alcohol free. Happened to me at 7 years. It is so convincing at times. I am amazed at your resilience to get that diet coke in THAT moment. The alcohol voice is the most abusive spouse or partner I can ever imagine: "just one more time. It will be different this time". It is so absolutely horrifying to me how easy this is. I know this has been said before many times in recovery circles but bears repeating over and over: imagine recovering from a heroin addiction and then being offered it several times a day, told it will make my day better, watching it on every movie and every tv show and every. single. person. place and situation makes it seem like it is a good idea. I would say overcoming alcohol addiction makes us heros to ourselves in the biggest way imaginable.
ugh I said it in passing a few emails back, over a few emails; I'm still learning how to use this platform <3 I'll keep saying it but thanks for letting me know you didn't see it.
On the point of being offered it all the time, I I wrote this part and took it out but to your point:
Of course with alcohol, the sometimes worst part about it is that it doesn't just go away; quitting alcohol can be like your ex marrying your sister or your ex just showing up to every meal, celebration, book club, yoga class, first date, second date, third date, vacation, funeral, airport, hotel room, and holiday asking if you are sure you don't want to fuck again. And you have to say no every god damn time and then you have to watch your ex fuck everyone else around you, every day! Something like that. You can't outrun it or banish it from memory or block it in your phone like you could an actual person.
just read this! Lol (I'm a little slow) but so spot on! on top of that, fighting the inner ASSHOLE voice that lies to us about ________________. LOTS OF STUFF.
Hollllyyyyyy!!!!! This one. Just wow. As I text an ex, it couldn’t be more relevant. I will read and re-read this again and again.
the struggle is real!
This is beautiful. I'm loving the writing - well worth the subscription price and more. I love you.
Aww look at you here! Love you a lot Dawn.
OMG! Thank you so much for this posting today.I am 4.5 months AF and I am feeling so much better, sleeping,clearer in my thinking. I found your book instrumental in helping me appreciate the journey and the complexity of it and what to anticipate. I also, have ended a relationship I was staying in from fear of being alone. I have known it was not a relationship I wanted but did not have the courage to leave.....so I drank my way through it. Being AF is what has given me the courage to fly solo. BUT I still get scared and lonely, and I sometimes I feel giving him up was harder than giving up alcohol because I don't have a support group or books to read about all the great things that can happen when you leave a less than satisfying, stimulating relationship and Fall In Love with Your Own Life. I am actually thinking of offering a workshop on that topic. We teach what we need to learn. For some reason today is a particularly hard day for me. I actually called him 2 hours ago and he didn't pick up. That hurt and yet I am relieved because I DONOT want to go back..I need to remember what wasn't there. Just like drinking wasn't fun..... Thank you for the reminder. So much Gratitude. Keep it coming.xoxo
Oh honey it's so real. When I stopped drinking, this part of me really flared up and fucking a if I didn't totally unleash this five year old aspect of me that could not control herself at all. I think in some ways working with this--the love stuff, the codependency stuff, whatever we call it--has been harder, or at least had a much longer tail. I went back to the same therapist I used to get quit drinking in order to "quit love" or whatever toxic patterns those were and I remember her saying "do you want to give this behavior up? Because you WANTED to stop drinking," and I said no. I don't. I'm not done. I don't think I got done with it until maybe 2019. Honestly. Or at least done with letting the part of me that thrives on the drama lead. I don't know if this resonates, I think I'm just saying, I get what you are saying.
Holly, I've been following your work for many years and you is a wise woman!
14ish years trying to figure out my drinking only to finally figure out it was never the drink. It was me. My inner shit that I just could not and did not want/know how to face. I've had 2yrs, 3yrs, 5yrs etc.. and every time I went back it was because it was too uncomfortable to not be me. Cravings are hard! I still have them. I can accept them now with more ease because I now understand them a bit better. Always a work in progress :)
Letter writer, if you're reading this, I feel you. Time and support will heal.
Man I love this sober uncomfortable life!!
*Commas confuse me lol*
i love this sober uncomfortable life too!! So well put. xx Heather.
You put into words everything I have to say but cant find words to say it! I haven’t drank since 24th of September 2020 and - although I am really proud of myself - I owe you loads for this crystal clear life I have had since then. I am glad to have you on my side!
Aww Adria! That is simply amazing. Love you.
"I said no because no means yes to everything that actually matters to me, now that I know what matters." I love you, Holly!
Sherry <3
Amen lady- beautifully and honestly expressed. One million thank yous. Also fuck Troy.
LOL. Love you. Also Troy is alright lol. I think HIS friends would definitely say FUCK HOLLY.
2 years, 3 months and 14 days sober and while it is no longer something I think about every day, when the cravings do hit, they can hit HARD. Thank you for sharing, your words and willingness to share bring light and hope and community and all the good things. I have more than once contemplated the solo binge. That seductive temptation of " No one would ever know". But I would know. And I never want to abandon myself again. Thank you thank you thank you.
"the solo binge" lol. I would know. That's the point. And I wouldn't like it. And it would make all those other times that come after harder. For me. Thanks for this Lauren. xx
Yes, thanks for this Lauren. I will be using your words as mantra: "But I would know. And I never want to abandon myself again." Thank YOU, I needed it to be said this way.
Yessss! Holly, first off thank you-your writing and experiences “click” for me. I really appreciate you and your work.
I am 5 weeks in (whoo!) and just experienced my first bachelorette party, sober or otherwise. The bride is my future sister-in-law and at one point, she mentioned the disappointment she experiences when a hangover takes away the joy from a special moment or celebration. My heart hurt for her as I know that feeling well, and think I will send her your book (trying to balance feelings of “EVERYONE NEEDS TO READ THIS” and a more gentle/supportive approach!). Curious others thoughts when they’ve experienced girlfriends saying something similar….
I missed drinking as a way to feel like I “fit in” or almost to assure others I was “having fun”, but v proud of myself! <3
lol I know. I am always like "well, if you really want to be hangover free forever, I have a slide deck to walk you through." "I know a guy." I personally have been very much do what you want, and I talk about my recovery, and some people just show up. I got an email on facebook not long ago from a friend of a friend who you know, re-evaluated her drinking because people did that out loud. Anyway congrats on 5 weeks and on your first bachelorette party!! xx
But also “EVERYONE NEEDS TO READ THIS”!!!!
Wow! Holly this is so profound and so honest and true like you!!! I’ve been thinking a lot about sobriety and that it has something to do for me of a decision to pick something more for myself than will powering it through. Allowing the willpower way though does lead to the decision? Does that make sense. I’m having a lonely day and this made me feel like I just have lost faith for a moment. It does go back to early life maybe parents preoccupied they left us for something else their own drink their own smoke their own loneliness so we did it to ourselves. I left over and over for the candy store. It’s such a process to be present with ourselves and anyone. I love you and all of these wonderful people making comments I see you and I hear you and you are not alone because I read what you wrote!! Keep writing Holly you have so much in there 🥰🥰🥰🥰
I think I know what you're asking or saying; and I think I rely on all of it. In some moments, yeah, will power. In others, the long game and the trade off (I like my life, I Like not drinking); and still think, if I'm honest with myself, it's sustained by the idea of just not fucking questioning it. I committed; I'm done; no wiggle room. I have lonely days too; I lose hope a lot. The thing is though, it's always passing, fleeting. Hope comes back. sending you lots of tenderness.