I felt every word of this piece. The desire to feel normal, loved, accepted. It makes me feel less alone and more lonely at the same time. I wonder why our brains betray us to want more, what we don’t have, and to fool us into romanticizing things we don’t want, need or truly love. You hit me in the gut with this!
This: "Mostly though, I chose not to because everything I ever wanted in my entire life and searched for everywhere else has come to me through the choice to not drink. I said no because no means yes to everything that actually matters to me, now that I know what matters. You said you don't want to miss out on celebrations, on life; I am telling you I don't either, and that is how I consistently do not drink. There is absolutely nothing more depriving of life than the need to use drugs to experience it." Thanks Holly, you are everything.
2 years, 3 months and 14 days sober and while it is no longer something I think about every day, when the cravings do hit, they can hit HARD. Thank you for sharing, your words and willingness to share bring light and hope and community and all the good things. I have more than once contemplated the solo binge. That seductive temptation of " No one would ever know". But I would know. And I never want to abandon myself again. Thank you thank you thank you.
"the solo binge" lol. I would know. That's the point. And I wouldn't like it. And it would make all those other times that come after harder. For me. Thanks for this Lauren. xx
Yes, thanks for this Lauren. I will be using your words as mantra: "But I would know. And I never want to abandon myself again." Thank YOU, I needed it to be said this way.
Can’t - coming from a similar place I can confidently say that birthdays and vacations will become markedly more fulfilling the further along you get. The sober emotional brainpower supercharges you and let’s you experience these things thru the innocent and joyful lens of your children. I’m comparatively fresh and I miss drinking often, but can only liken it to nostalgia and we all know that to be a skewed measure at its best.
Holly - thanks for continuing to take this type of engagement on alongside your other writing, passions and self-discovery. You’ve changed the world with the work you’ve done and it will always be there for people to lean on, whatever direction you may head. 🙏
Dan you're the fucking best. This is where my heart is; I love it. I love talking about it. But thank you for holding my hand along this totally murky path. xx
Oh, this is soooo good. And so on time for me... about to take my first solo road trip in a very, very long time. Lots and lots of considerations about how "strong" I am now (with nagging thoughts that maybe I'm fragile), how much I've learned (and to please remember all that, girl!), how much growth I've done, mixed with an awareness of being out in the world on my own where anything could happen, if I let it.
It is such a dumb idea that we're not "supposed" to have cravings, that even having them means we're fragile. With the world on fire in so many ways, who doesn't crave something that would soothe the pain? I find myself lately remembering how soothing a glass of wine was. But some small part of me still believed I shouldn't crave it at all. Thank you for making that point - I guess I needed to hear it from the outside to believe it.
The paragraph beginning with "So it burned a little..." has already been printed out for my scrapbook, so I can go back to it later!
Bless you, Holly, for all this writing. It *always* reaches straight inside me and pulls out something I need. Love to you.
Such a great response! At 6 years sober I usually say I don’t miss it at all but that’s really only partly true (ahhhh, the lies we tell ourselves!). I miss the romantic ideas about it which is exactly the same as missing Troy. The story I momentarily create about it can usually be smashed apart when I remember some of the truths about where those glasses of wine ultimately took me. I never want to go back there. Thank you for this and mostly, for your book. It saved my life ❤️
I know! I KNOW. I think I would have thought differently if the question hadn't come at literally exactly the moment I was missing it. When I talked to my friend that night, she's been sober from pills and alcohol for 12 years, she said for her it's an undercurrent of missing; it's there for her and I was genuinely surprised. I don't think we talk about this stuff that much or at least I know I don't. Love you.
Yessss! Holly, first off thank you-your writing and experiences “click” for me. I really appreciate you and your work.
I am 5 weeks in (whoo!) and just experienced my first bachelorette party, sober or otherwise. The bride is my future sister-in-law and at one point, she mentioned the disappointment she experiences when a hangover takes away the joy from a special moment or celebration. My heart hurt for her as I know that feeling well, and think I will send her your book (trying to balance feelings of “EVERYONE NEEDS TO READ THIS” and a more gentle/supportive approach!). Curious others thoughts when they’ve experienced girlfriends saying something similar….
I missed drinking as a way to feel like I “fit in” or almost to assure others I was “having fun”, but v proud of myself! <3
lol I know. I am always like "well, if you really want to be hangover free forever, I have a slide deck to walk you through." "I know a guy." I personally have been very much do what you want, and I talk about my recovery, and some people just show up. I got an email on facebook not long ago from a friend of a friend who you know, re-evaluated her drinking because people did that out loud. Anyway congrats on 5 weeks and on your first bachelorette party!! xx
OMG! Thank you so much for this posting today.I am 4.5 months AF and I am feeling so much better, sleeping,clearer in my thinking. I found your book instrumental in helping me appreciate the journey and the complexity of it and what to anticipate. I also, have ended a relationship I was staying in from fear of being alone. I have known it was not a relationship I wanted but did not have the courage to leave.....so I drank my way through it. Being AF is what has given me the courage to fly solo. BUT I still get scared and lonely, and I sometimes I feel giving him up was harder than giving up alcohol because I don't have a support group or books to read about all the great things that can happen when you leave a less than satisfying, stimulating relationship and Fall In Love with Your Own Life. I am actually thinking of offering a workshop on that topic. We teach what we need to learn. For some reason today is a particularly hard day for me. I actually called him 2 hours ago and he didn't pick up. That hurt and yet I am relieved because I DONOT want to go back..I need to remember what wasn't there. Just like drinking wasn't fun..... Thank you for the reminder. So much Gratitude. Keep it coming.xoxo
Oh honey it's so real. When I stopped drinking, this part of me really flared up and fucking a if I didn't totally unleash this five year old aspect of me that could not control herself at all. I think in some ways working with this--the love stuff, the codependency stuff, whatever we call it--has been harder, or at least had a much longer tail. I went back to the same therapist I used to get quit drinking in order to "quit love" or whatever toxic patterns those were and I remember her saying "do you want to give this behavior up? Because you WANTED to stop drinking," and I said no. I don't. I'm not done. I don't think I got done with it until maybe 2019. Honestly. Or at least done with letting the part of me that thrives on the drama lead. I don't know if this resonates, I think I'm just saying, I get what you are saying.
I still miss it. I don’t miss the birthdays and parties because those were fucking boring (thank you pandemic??). I miss the reckless abandon. The release of control and responsibility and surrendering to experience and spontaneity. I can’t quite figure out what my “new version” of this is. I’m a few years in. The closest I’ve found is in music and once in a while with sex. But yeah, I miss it. I know I should meditate or something because the core of what I miss is getting out of my fucking head and feeling (what felt like but I know wasn’t truly) presence (I think).
YES. I mean I think that's one of the thrills of being alive is those moments you just totally forget yourself; this made me think about what my version is of that. I mean it IS like sometimes buying too expensive boots i know I can't afford, or running away somewhere on a moments notice, being spontaneous. But it's not the same. That like total fuck it moment. Thanks for this. Made me think. xx
Since you mentioned presence, I’d like to recommend checking out the book The Presence Process by Michael Brown. People have amazing experiences with it.
I know you don't write these for it to be good, but this one (especially) is very good. I needed it on a level deeper than I can describe. I took notes, literally, in my phone. Thank you.
Wow! Holly this is so profound and so honest and true like you!!! I’ve been thinking a lot about sobriety and that it has something to do for me of a decision to pick something more for myself than will powering it through. Allowing the willpower way though does lead to the decision? Does that make sense. I’m having a lonely day and this made me feel like I just have lost faith for a moment. It does go back to early life maybe parents preoccupied they left us for something else their own drink their own smoke their own loneliness so we did it to ourselves. I left over and over for the candy store. It’s such a process to be present with ourselves and anyone. I love you and all of these wonderful people making comments I see you and I hear you and you are not alone because I read what you wrote!! Keep writing Holly you have so much in there 🥰🥰🥰🥰
I think I know what you're asking or saying; and I think I rely on all of it. In some moments, yeah, will power. In others, the long game and the trade off (I like my life, I Like not drinking); and still think, if I'm honest with myself, it's sustained by the idea of just not fucking questioning it. I committed; I'm done; no wiggle room. I have lonely days too; I lose hope a lot. The thing is though, it's always passing, fleeting. Hope comes back. sending you lots of tenderness.
I felt every word of this piece. The desire to feel normal, loved, accepted. It makes me feel less alone and more lonely at the same time. I wonder why our brains betray us to want more, what we don’t have, and to fool us into romanticizing things we don’t want, need or truly love. You hit me in the gut with this!
I don't know and I wish I did. It hit me too, writing it that is. xx
This: "Mostly though, I chose not to because everything I ever wanted in my entire life and searched for everywhere else has come to me through the choice to not drink. I said no because no means yes to everything that actually matters to me, now that I know what matters. You said you don't want to miss out on celebrations, on life; I am telling you I don't either, and that is how I consistently do not drink. There is absolutely nothing more depriving of life than the need to use drugs to experience it." Thanks Holly, you are everything.
thanks Madeleine for fishing this out. Love you.
2 years, 3 months and 14 days sober and while it is no longer something I think about every day, when the cravings do hit, they can hit HARD. Thank you for sharing, your words and willingness to share bring light and hope and community and all the good things. I have more than once contemplated the solo binge. That seductive temptation of " No one would ever know". But I would know. And I never want to abandon myself again. Thank you thank you thank you.
"the solo binge" lol. I would know. That's the point. And I wouldn't like it. And it would make all those other times that come after harder. For me. Thanks for this Lauren. xx
Yes, thanks for this Lauren. I will be using your words as mantra: "But I would know. And I never want to abandon myself again." Thank YOU, I needed it to be said this way.
Can’t - coming from a similar place I can confidently say that birthdays and vacations will become markedly more fulfilling the further along you get. The sober emotional brainpower supercharges you and let’s you experience these things thru the innocent and joyful lens of your children. I’m comparatively fresh and I miss drinking often, but can only liken it to nostalgia and we all know that to be a skewed measure at its best.
Holly - thanks for continuing to take this type of engagement on alongside your other writing, passions and self-discovery. You’ve changed the world with the work you’ve done and it will always be there for people to lean on, whatever direction you may head. 🙏
Dan you're the fucking best. This is where my heart is; I love it. I love talking about it. But thank you for holding my hand along this totally murky path. xx
Oh, this is soooo good. And so on time for me... about to take my first solo road trip in a very, very long time. Lots and lots of considerations about how "strong" I am now (with nagging thoughts that maybe I'm fragile), how much I've learned (and to please remember all that, girl!), how much growth I've done, mixed with an awareness of being out in the world on my own where anything could happen, if I let it.
It is such a dumb idea that we're not "supposed" to have cravings, that even having them means we're fragile. With the world on fire in so many ways, who doesn't crave something that would soothe the pain? I find myself lately remembering how soothing a glass of wine was. But some small part of me still believed I shouldn't crave it at all. Thank you for making that point - I guess I needed to hear it from the outside to believe it.
The paragraph beginning with "So it burned a little..." has already been printed out for my scrapbook, so I can go back to it later!
Bless you, Holly, for all this writing. It *always* reaches straight inside me and pulls out something I need. Love to you.
I couldn't agree more. You're going to have the most amazing time on that road trip, I just know it. Love you from here.
Such a great response! At 6 years sober I usually say I don’t miss it at all but that’s really only partly true (ahhhh, the lies we tell ourselves!). I miss the romantic ideas about it which is exactly the same as missing Troy. The story I momentarily create about it can usually be smashed apart when I remember some of the truths about where those glasses of wine ultimately took me. I never want to go back there. Thank you for this and mostly, for your book. It saved my life ❤️
I know! I KNOW. I think I would have thought differently if the question hadn't come at literally exactly the moment I was missing it. When I talked to my friend that night, she's been sober from pills and alcohol for 12 years, she said for her it's an undercurrent of missing; it's there for her and I was genuinely surprised. I don't think we talk about this stuff that much or at least I know I don't. Love you.
I like how the other commenter called it "nostalgia"... yes, "romantic ideas" about it, an "undercurrent of missing". So perfect.
Yessss! Holly, first off thank you-your writing and experiences “click” for me. I really appreciate you and your work.
I am 5 weeks in (whoo!) and just experienced my first bachelorette party, sober or otherwise. The bride is my future sister-in-law and at one point, she mentioned the disappointment she experiences when a hangover takes away the joy from a special moment or celebration. My heart hurt for her as I know that feeling well, and think I will send her your book (trying to balance feelings of “EVERYONE NEEDS TO READ THIS” and a more gentle/supportive approach!). Curious others thoughts when they’ve experienced girlfriends saying something similar….
I missed drinking as a way to feel like I “fit in” or almost to assure others I was “having fun”, but v proud of myself! <3
lol I know. I am always like "well, if you really want to be hangover free forever, I have a slide deck to walk you through." "I know a guy." I personally have been very much do what you want, and I talk about my recovery, and some people just show up. I got an email on facebook not long ago from a friend of a friend who you know, re-evaluated her drinking because people did that out loud. Anyway congrats on 5 weeks and on your first bachelorette party!! xx
But also “EVERYONE NEEDS TO READ THIS”!!!!
Amen lady- beautifully and honestly expressed. One million thank yous. Also fuck Troy.
LOL. Love you. Also Troy is alright lol. I think HIS friends would definitely say FUCK HOLLY.
OMG! Thank you so much for this posting today.I am 4.5 months AF and I am feeling so much better, sleeping,clearer in my thinking. I found your book instrumental in helping me appreciate the journey and the complexity of it and what to anticipate. I also, have ended a relationship I was staying in from fear of being alone. I have known it was not a relationship I wanted but did not have the courage to leave.....so I drank my way through it. Being AF is what has given me the courage to fly solo. BUT I still get scared and lonely, and I sometimes I feel giving him up was harder than giving up alcohol because I don't have a support group or books to read about all the great things that can happen when you leave a less than satisfying, stimulating relationship and Fall In Love with Your Own Life. I am actually thinking of offering a workshop on that topic. We teach what we need to learn. For some reason today is a particularly hard day for me. I actually called him 2 hours ago and he didn't pick up. That hurt and yet I am relieved because I DONOT want to go back..I need to remember what wasn't there. Just like drinking wasn't fun..... Thank you for the reminder. So much Gratitude. Keep it coming.xoxo
Oh honey it's so real. When I stopped drinking, this part of me really flared up and fucking a if I didn't totally unleash this five year old aspect of me that could not control herself at all. I think in some ways working with this--the love stuff, the codependency stuff, whatever we call it--has been harder, or at least had a much longer tail. I went back to the same therapist I used to get quit drinking in order to "quit love" or whatever toxic patterns those were and I remember her saying "do you want to give this behavior up? Because you WANTED to stop drinking," and I said no. I don't. I'm not done. I don't think I got done with it until maybe 2019. Honestly. Or at least done with letting the part of me that thrives on the drama lead. I don't know if this resonates, I think I'm just saying, I get what you are saying.
This is beautiful. I'm loving the writing - well worth the subscription price and more. I love you.
Aww look at you here! Love you a lot Dawn.
That last paragragh... wow. Thanks Holly for your words!
I still miss it. I don’t miss the birthdays and parties because those were fucking boring (thank you pandemic??). I miss the reckless abandon. The release of control and responsibility and surrendering to experience and spontaneity. I can’t quite figure out what my “new version” of this is. I’m a few years in. The closest I’ve found is in music and once in a while with sex. But yeah, I miss it. I know I should meditate or something because the core of what I miss is getting out of my fucking head and feeling (what felt like but I know wasn’t truly) presence (I think).
YES. I mean I think that's one of the thrills of being alive is those moments you just totally forget yourself; this made me think about what my version is of that. I mean it IS like sometimes buying too expensive boots i know I can't afford, or running away somewhere on a moments notice, being spontaneous. But it's not the same. That like total fuck it moment. Thanks for this. Made me think. xx
Since you mentioned presence, I’d like to recommend checking out the book The Presence Process by Michael Brown. People have amazing experiences with it.
I know you don't write these for it to be good, but this one (especially) is very good. I needed it on a level deeper than I can describe. I took notes, literally, in my phone. Thank you.
lol oh no I definitely write them because I want them to be good <3 Thank you, that makes my heart swell.
Probably the most relatable thing I have ever read in response to a question that I, too, get asked all the time.
Aww. Highest praise. Ily.
Wow! Holly this is so profound and so honest and true like you!!! I’ve been thinking a lot about sobriety and that it has something to do for me of a decision to pick something more for myself than will powering it through. Allowing the willpower way though does lead to the decision? Does that make sense. I’m having a lonely day and this made me feel like I just have lost faith for a moment. It does go back to early life maybe parents preoccupied they left us for something else their own drink their own smoke their own loneliness so we did it to ourselves. I left over and over for the candy store. It’s such a process to be present with ourselves and anyone. I love you and all of these wonderful people making comments I see you and I hear you and you are not alone because I read what you wrote!! Keep writing Holly you have so much in there 🥰🥰🥰🥰
I think I know what you're asking or saying; and I think I rely on all of it. In some moments, yeah, will power. In others, the long game and the trade off (I like my life, I Like not drinking); and still think, if I'm honest with myself, it's sustained by the idea of just not fucking questioning it. I committed; I'm done; no wiggle room. I have lonely days too; I lose hope a lot. The thing is though, it's always passing, fleeting. Hope comes back. sending you lots of tenderness.
"I said no because no means yes to everything that actually matters to me, now that I know what matters." I love you, Holly!
Sherry <3