Oh man..... I think this is actually a great description of the human condition, especially in lieu of the last few years. I am working so hard on the same thing: accept the good and the difficult with equanimity. I think I'm making some progress? This best plays out in my relationship with my daughter......
I have been fearful for her safety in everyway since her birth. It's pretty obvious I never felt this world was a safe place but I don't have enough time to go into that shit. I have been working my ass off to set her free and not be fearful. Some of my fear was not ungrounded but I won't bore you with that either. Cut to last week.
She has been training with some fellow teachers to hike rim to rim in the Grand Canyon. I did a good job of not letting my mind get ahead of me. I noticed she was quite nervous and reactive before she left and I had just had covid and knew she had been exposed. She left.
Monday morning. The first news to pop up on my computer is about a 41 year old woman who died of heat exposure June 2 on the same trail my daughter is going to hike. My daughter has threatened me with my life if I refer to anything fearful in my conversations with her. So as you can imagine, I am writhing around at home imagining she will get covid (she did) and hike in 113 degree heat and perish. She calls and the world rotates again. She is sick and decides not to do the hike.
Yea! But she is still down there and there is no cell service....more moments of panic and me imagining she has the worst case of covid and will have a heart attack and be nowhere near any hospital. Even more writhing. She calls and my fears were silly.
The point of this whole story is I vacillated between joy and fatalistic thinking about every 3 hours. In each instance, I pushed myself a little further to trust all was well. I also practiced the "it is what it is" motto. I certainly glimpsed (or created) the fragility of life but I think I was pretty resilient and bounced back from the worst case scenario pretty quickly. And I guess in all of this is I AM becoming more resilient and don't go down the rabbit hole as far as I used to. I kept going to work, I kept sporadically having joy, I kept mowing the lawn and while I was out there I took the time to gaze intently at my flowers doing their thing, the bird sounds filling my ears.
I feel strongly that we are being pushed to accept all of life. I have heard so many people share endless difficulties in their lives. I have never been so much into 'all we have is this moment'
I am shocked at how quickly our human condition has unraveled although it was bubbling under the surface obviously. I look at life so differently these days and I keep it largely to myself lest others think I'm crazy. I feel crazy and ungrounded sometimes. And yet, at the same time, my life is moving forward in much the same way it always has. I don't think I have any brilliant conclusion or revelation to share but it felt good to get this in writing:)
About a month ago I started having seizures during which I could not speak which was needless to say, disconcerting. I was referred to a neurologist who ordered a bunch of tests and I self diagnosed myself (correctly it turns out) with having a specific type of seizure that had one of 2 causes- epilepsy or a brain tumor. The three ensuing weeks while I waited for the results of the tests were absolute torture- I couldn’t sleep, I spiraled and obsessed and when I could sleep, I woke up clenching my teeth as if I was trying to bite through steel which gave me intense headaches. All of which is to say, even after literal decades of practicing yoga and a daily meditation practice I had what felt like zero control over my mind. So, I can seriously relate to the idea that it certainly is difficult to maintain openness and presence when something terrible is happening. I have now been diagnosed with epilepsy (yay?) and my license has been suspended until I can remain 3 months seizure free as a result of an anti seizure medication I started. So, I’m basically stuck at home with grand plans to write and read and make art but mostly so far, I have been looking at my phone. But at least I get to read things like your writing on it. HUGS
I'm glad it turned out to "only" be epilepsy. I was diagnosed with melanoma last year. It popped up near my lymph nodes which had to be removed along with the tumor. The labs were maxed out due to covid (I live in Germany) so I had to wait two weeks to find out if the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes or not. I have never been more grateful for my daily meditation practice.
I am grateful that you mentioned the Depp-Heard shit show this week. I have stayed away from it as much as possible, knowing how triggering it would be for me, regardless of the outcome. But I found myself secretly praying that the jury would find in Amber Heard's favor.
I was on a film set a few weeks into the trial, a short film that was 99.9% made by young (20 - 30 year olds) women. Over lunch one day the producer brought up the trial and what a horrible person Amber Heard was. She went on to quote the audio recordings of Amber Heard screaming at Johnny Depp and the moment in court when she admitted "I didn't punch him, I hit him". The whole cast and crew chimed in with their damning opinions of Amber Heard and poor Johnny narrative.
This was at the end of March, nearing the one year anniversary of my husband leaving me. I thank God every day that he left me, I was so broken, so worn down by his abuse and betrayals and constant gaslighting that I don't think I could have done it myself.
After that conversation on the film set, I stopped and watched when a clip of the trial came up in my feed instead of quickly scrolling past as I had been. Seeing Johnny Depp sitting there looking so calm and "noble", speaking so clearly with victim dripping from every frequency of his voice, I felt my heart squeeze so tight and stop beating for a few seconds. I know that calm so well - the eye of the storm - but I was the storm. My husband would lie and gaslight and provoke me for days and weeks until I would finally lose it - "losing it" is the only sane response to gaslighting, which is to literally disconnect someone from their known experience of reality, which is the definition of insanity - then he would so calmly say, oh Caitlin please don't raise your voice at me. It was fucking sinister.
A few days after the film wrapped my daughter came home from school and asked me if I had heard about the trial and did I understand how awful Amber Heard was. This is when I decided to do some actual research and read an article in the New York Times. In the article pieces of evidence were quoted from what Johnny Depp had said to Amber Heard, did to her and said about her to others. It was nothing less than diabolical. It was abusive to say the very least. And what he said to others about her was at minimum defamatory. But not even my daughter, the one who came home from school a few months before her father left us and told me that they had watched a video about domestic violence in a life skills class in school that day and said to me "that's what papa does to you", could resist jumping on the bandwagon of humiliation and vilification that the world was piling upon Amber Heard.
I have since seen reports that the media feeding frenzy against Amber Heard was funded by conservative media outlets. Millions of dollars were INVESTED in promoting the narrative "don't believe women". Even my own daughter bought it.
I try not to think about how pleased my ex is about the outcome of this trial. It is devastating to be treated that way over so many years but utterly unbearable to know that none of our friends, not one member of his family, who were my family too, and none of our colleagues believe me. He is so good and being a good guy. It took me decades to see what he was doing to me. I get it. But it doesn't make it hurt and utterly twist my brain any less.
I’m super far behind in reading Holly’s stuff & am catching up. I’m w/you, the Heard-Depp thing was a sickening, diabolical shit show but she - like you - knows what’s true. Godspeed to you & your daughter
ugh holly i type out and ultimately abandon my comments on your shares here all the time
i hope you know how meaningful it is to a lot of us when you share your process, especially to me
as someone who hides when i can’t ‘win’ or make things perfect and feels like my inner voice is out to get me most days, if not always ... your posts here make me feel seen in a way no one else’s ever could
in another timeline where my connection to you wasn’t parasocial (i know this word is at the end of its buzz life but still) i would make you a note that says “there is no there, there” and stick it on your fridge
selfishly, i will be sad a little when you find your next stride again, since im neurodivergent and never seem to, but i find myself thinking many times catching up with your work that this “nothingness” is actually what this holly era is about, you put words to what i suspect is a collective experience, especially for those of us in the states.
sending my love from the woods in the south, i hope you get to enjoy yourself this weekend, i hope i get to too. xx
maybe "this nothingness is what this what this holy era is about"... this resonates. Maybe we are supposed to stop doing life "normally", and allow ourselves to courageously live the nothingness, breath for breath, so the new, more real somethingness can call us in from there.
Holly, you always amaze me with your honestly and vulnerability---thank you. For whatever it is worth, you bring so much to my life and I am grateful to you. Sending happy thoughts, prayers, and love to you on your journey back to California.
I needed this today. I want to wax poetic as to why but my guess is you already know why. Because you are in it. And it’s too murky for a clear description. Big love. Little writing. ❤️ Kate
Holly!! Holy lord I’m so impressed by you!! and what you have done in your viewed nothingness as that’s I think what I’m starting to realize is the point.!! We don’t need to achieve or power through and you say and most impressed me when at first I was scared you were going to go super hard on you. That I don’t want as I value you so very much. Stumbling on to you all those years ago sparked something in me that lead me to eventually give up smoking and drinking in one day. After 35 years of on and off loving and fawning over myself or abandoning and medicating. I’m so happy to hear again how you have done what I have and it means more than years and years of accomplishments put together I believe. Now like I might you know what you don’t want to know what you do. And us creatives are complex and we need Simple to really put our work in the world. Bravo on your move where West I’m coming that way I feel but don’t know as gypsyish. Above might not make complete sense but I’m not proof reading it or checking for grammar. The old drinking me would I just wanted you to know in the midst of my simple day. All I have accomplished is sending some love messages to people I care about, made tea, played with my dog almost wagged my own tail over being content in nothing. As yesterday was darrklkk… here’s to how you navigate and your move and I love you
Needed to read this today "Maybe the point is that so much of it seems like nothing, and that nothing turns out to be more valuable than any something ever was."
Holly...this really touched me to my core. Isn't that what good writing is about? Your gift is connecting with the reader at a gut level. When I read your writing, any of it, I want to get a picket sign and march on the front lines. I love your writing. I am very excited you are moving back to Cali. We have a whole group of women who meet every week and you and your writing come up in the conversations regularly. Much love, Peggi.
Loved your essay. My eyes widened reading the bird pop you witnessed. I had the exact same experience coming home from my cats hospitalization after HE was hit by a car, only to witness some speeding SUV slam into a duck gaining height, bam!
It was horrific and traumatic. It defied reason. Made my heart ache for the bird partner. How fragile it all is.
Your articulate struggles to March through the pain and provide yourself the chance to stay open is awesome.
I’ve got this quote on my wall: ‘Wisdom tells me I am nothing, love tells me I am everything, and between the two my life flows’. I don’t think I even understand it fully but there is something deeply comforting about the paradox. Take care of yourself Holly as you make this transition. 💜
Oh man..... I think this is actually a great description of the human condition, especially in lieu of the last few years. I am working so hard on the same thing: accept the good and the difficult with equanimity. I think I'm making some progress? This best plays out in my relationship with my daughter......
I have been fearful for her safety in everyway since her birth. It's pretty obvious I never felt this world was a safe place but I don't have enough time to go into that shit. I have been working my ass off to set her free and not be fearful. Some of my fear was not ungrounded but I won't bore you with that either. Cut to last week.
She has been training with some fellow teachers to hike rim to rim in the Grand Canyon. I did a good job of not letting my mind get ahead of me. I noticed she was quite nervous and reactive before she left and I had just had covid and knew she had been exposed. She left.
Monday morning. The first news to pop up on my computer is about a 41 year old woman who died of heat exposure June 2 on the same trail my daughter is going to hike. My daughter has threatened me with my life if I refer to anything fearful in my conversations with her. So as you can imagine, I am writhing around at home imagining she will get covid (she did) and hike in 113 degree heat and perish. She calls and the world rotates again. She is sick and decides not to do the hike.
Yea! But she is still down there and there is no cell service....more moments of panic and me imagining she has the worst case of covid and will have a heart attack and be nowhere near any hospital. Even more writhing. She calls and my fears were silly.
The point of this whole story is I vacillated between joy and fatalistic thinking about every 3 hours. In each instance, I pushed myself a little further to trust all was well. I also practiced the "it is what it is" motto. I certainly glimpsed (or created) the fragility of life but I think I was pretty resilient and bounced back from the worst case scenario pretty quickly. And I guess in all of this is I AM becoming more resilient and don't go down the rabbit hole as far as I used to. I kept going to work, I kept sporadically having joy, I kept mowing the lawn and while I was out there I took the time to gaze intently at my flowers doing their thing, the bird sounds filling my ears.
I feel strongly that we are being pushed to accept all of life. I have heard so many people share endless difficulties in their lives. I have never been so much into 'all we have is this moment'
I am shocked at how quickly our human condition has unraveled although it was bubbling under the surface obviously. I look at life so differently these days and I keep it largely to myself lest others think I'm crazy. I feel crazy and ungrounded sometimes. And yet, at the same time, my life is moving forward in much the same way it always has. I don't think I have any brilliant conclusion or revelation to share but it felt good to get this in writing:)
I am happy for your return home.
About a month ago I started having seizures during which I could not speak which was needless to say, disconcerting. I was referred to a neurologist who ordered a bunch of tests and I self diagnosed myself (correctly it turns out) with having a specific type of seizure that had one of 2 causes- epilepsy or a brain tumor. The three ensuing weeks while I waited for the results of the tests were absolute torture- I couldn’t sleep, I spiraled and obsessed and when I could sleep, I woke up clenching my teeth as if I was trying to bite through steel which gave me intense headaches. All of which is to say, even after literal decades of practicing yoga and a daily meditation practice I had what felt like zero control over my mind. So, I can seriously relate to the idea that it certainly is difficult to maintain openness and presence when something terrible is happening. I have now been diagnosed with epilepsy (yay?) and my license has been suspended until I can remain 3 months seizure free as a result of an anti seizure medication I started. So, I’m basically stuck at home with grand plans to write and read and make art but mostly so far, I have been looking at my phone. But at least I get to read things like your writing on it. HUGS
I'm glad it turned out to "only" be epilepsy. I was diagnosed with melanoma last year. It popped up near my lymph nodes which had to be removed along with the tumor. The labs were maxed out due to covid (I live in Germany) so I had to wait two weeks to find out if the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes or not. I have never been more grateful for my daily meditation practice.
This morning my wise little 6 yo said, “If you are doing nothing, you are actually doing something- because Nothing is Something!” It’s all relevant.
Sigh. Your writing takes me on a journey. Always. I’m thrilled you are coming back to the west coast best coast.
I am grateful that you mentioned the Depp-Heard shit show this week. I have stayed away from it as much as possible, knowing how triggering it would be for me, regardless of the outcome. But I found myself secretly praying that the jury would find in Amber Heard's favor.
I was on a film set a few weeks into the trial, a short film that was 99.9% made by young (20 - 30 year olds) women. Over lunch one day the producer brought up the trial and what a horrible person Amber Heard was. She went on to quote the audio recordings of Amber Heard screaming at Johnny Depp and the moment in court when she admitted "I didn't punch him, I hit him". The whole cast and crew chimed in with their damning opinions of Amber Heard and poor Johnny narrative.
This was at the end of March, nearing the one year anniversary of my husband leaving me. I thank God every day that he left me, I was so broken, so worn down by his abuse and betrayals and constant gaslighting that I don't think I could have done it myself.
After that conversation on the film set, I stopped and watched when a clip of the trial came up in my feed instead of quickly scrolling past as I had been. Seeing Johnny Depp sitting there looking so calm and "noble", speaking so clearly with victim dripping from every frequency of his voice, I felt my heart squeeze so tight and stop beating for a few seconds. I know that calm so well - the eye of the storm - but I was the storm. My husband would lie and gaslight and provoke me for days and weeks until I would finally lose it - "losing it" is the only sane response to gaslighting, which is to literally disconnect someone from their known experience of reality, which is the definition of insanity - then he would so calmly say, oh Caitlin please don't raise your voice at me. It was fucking sinister.
A few days after the film wrapped my daughter came home from school and asked me if I had heard about the trial and did I understand how awful Amber Heard was. This is when I decided to do some actual research and read an article in the New York Times. In the article pieces of evidence were quoted from what Johnny Depp had said to Amber Heard, did to her and said about her to others. It was nothing less than diabolical. It was abusive to say the very least. And what he said to others about her was at minimum defamatory. But not even my daughter, the one who came home from school a few months before her father left us and told me that they had watched a video about domestic violence in a life skills class in school that day and said to me "that's what papa does to you", could resist jumping on the bandwagon of humiliation and vilification that the world was piling upon Amber Heard.
I have since seen reports that the media feeding frenzy against Amber Heard was funded by conservative media outlets. Millions of dollars were INVESTED in promoting the narrative "don't believe women". Even my own daughter bought it.
I try not to think about how pleased my ex is about the outcome of this trial. It is devastating to be treated that way over so many years but utterly unbearable to know that none of our friends, not one member of his family, who were my family too, and none of our colleagues believe me. He is so good and being a good guy. It took me decades to see what he was doing to me. I get it. But it doesn't make it hurt and utterly twist my brain any less.
I’m super far behind in reading Holly’s stuff & am catching up. I’m w/you, the Heard-Depp thing was a sickening, diabolical shit show but she - like you - knows what’s true. Godspeed to you & your daughter
ugh holly i type out and ultimately abandon my comments on your shares here all the time
i hope you know how meaningful it is to a lot of us when you share your process, especially to me
as someone who hides when i can’t ‘win’ or make things perfect and feels like my inner voice is out to get me most days, if not always ... your posts here make me feel seen in a way no one else’s ever could
in another timeline where my connection to you wasn’t parasocial (i know this word is at the end of its buzz life but still) i would make you a note that says “there is no there, there” and stick it on your fridge
selfishly, i will be sad a little when you find your next stride again, since im neurodivergent and never seem to, but i find myself thinking many times catching up with your work that this “nothingness” is actually what this holly era is about, you put words to what i suspect is a collective experience, especially for those of us in the states.
sending my love from the woods in the south, i hope you get to enjoy yourself this weekend, i hope i get to too. xx
maybe "this nothingness is what this what this holy era is about"... this resonates. Maybe we are supposed to stop doing life "normally", and allow ourselves to courageously live the nothingness, breath for breath, so the new, more real somethingness can call us in from there.
Holly, you always amaze me with your honestly and vulnerability---thank you. For whatever it is worth, you bring so much to my life and I am grateful to you. Sending happy thoughts, prayers, and love to you on your journey back to California.
I needed this today. I want to wax poetic as to why but my guess is you already know why. Because you are in it. And it’s too murky for a clear description. Big love. Little writing. ❤️ Kate
Holly!! Holy lord I’m so impressed by you!! and what you have done in your viewed nothingness as that’s I think what I’m starting to realize is the point.!! We don’t need to achieve or power through and you say and most impressed me when at first I was scared you were going to go super hard on you. That I don’t want as I value you so very much. Stumbling on to you all those years ago sparked something in me that lead me to eventually give up smoking and drinking in one day. After 35 years of on and off loving and fawning over myself or abandoning and medicating. I’m so happy to hear again how you have done what I have and it means more than years and years of accomplishments put together I believe. Now like I might you know what you don’t want to know what you do. And us creatives are complex and we need Simple to really put our work in the world. Bravo on your move where West I’m coming that way I feel but don’t know as gypsyish. Above might not make complete sense but I’m not proof reading it or checking for grammar. The old drinking me would I just wanted you to know in the midst of my simple day. All I have accomplished is sending some love messages to people I care about, made tea, played with my dog almost wagged my own tail over being content in nothing. As yesterday was darrklkk… here’s to how you navigate and your move and I love you
Needed to read this today "Maybe the point is that so much of it seems like nothing, and that nothing turns out to be more valuable than any something ever was."
I loved your essay, Holly & listening to you on Quitted. Best of luck to you & your cat :-) in LA & remember to give yourself a hug!! 🤗
Holly...this really touched me to my core. Isn't that what good writing is about? Your gift is connecting with the reader at a gut level. When I read your writing, any of it, I want to get a picket sign and march on the front lines. I love your writing. I am very excited you are moving back to Cali. We have a whole group of women who meet every week and you and your writing come up in the conversations regularly. Much love, Peggi.
here for Fucking Sober
Loved your essay. My eyes widened reading the bird pop you witnessed. I had the exact same experience coming home from my cats hospitalization after HE was hit by a car, only to witness some speeding SUV slam into a duck gaining height, bam!
It was horrific and traumatic. It defied reason. Made my heart ache for the bird partner. How fragile it all is.
Your articulate struggles to March through the pain and provide yourself the chance to stay open is awesome.
I’ve got this quote on my wall: ‘Wisdom tells me I am nothing, love tells me I am everything, and between the two my life flows’. I don’t think I even understand it fully but there is something deeply comforting about the paradox. Take care of yourself Holly as you make this transition. 💜
Love it. Your mind always seems to come round to some good, important point. 😊