I’d meant to leave for California Wednesday, even though I’d meant to leave in March and actually had finally meant to leave this past Saturday. I ended up leaving last night. 99% of what I had to do was done, but like always these days I found a reason to extend it, to smooth out the tasks and give myself more time because these days everything takes more time.
Holly as always I tend to read your writing twice so it sinks in. I love your brave thought journey back to Cali. We are lucky to have you back in this lovely state. I also want to touch on your journey out of Tempest in this episode. Thank you for laying that painful process out, it really helped me understand more about what that journey felt like. But and I hope you are okay with me saying this again. From someone that finally found something that could literally save their life and continues to - you have and continue to leave a legacy that continues to save lives. So for all the pain you personally took on - what you created was magic and because you imprinted such strong fundamental personal thoughts and personality into that platform it continues to save lives and mine. Nothing I don’t think comes close to what you created at Tempest. You may be gone now from that legacy - sob. But you are not for us. Because you show and continue to show us how we can do this sobriety thing with some love and compassion. Forever grateful🙏🙏🙏💜 Safe journey. Love Miranda xo
Love your writing, even when, maybe especially when, it reflects so much pain. I know it kind of cuts against the grain of your point, but I wish you love, peace and less pain. Is self worth even actually an achievable thing? Safe travels. I don’t know you but I love you
Me too. That line went straight into my heart, at the deepest, deepest level. It clarifies something for me that I will never be able to "unsee"... thank you, Holly.
As always thank you for sharing as you do. It is a reminder to me that it’s ok to be human and to grow and to be vulnerable and to be honest. These are the things I didn’t know for the first 40 years of my life and desire daily to know so throughly that I embody them. Your vulnerability in your writing reminds me that these things are difficult for others and I so appreciate that. Thank you for being you.
Maybe I'm totally missing the point but facing down that guy (or whoever) was your very practical way of defusing the bomb. The bomb being a ticking "what if?" that you'd take in some measure with you to California...and maybe even harbor for a while about a person who in reality is not worth further rumination. A person most definitely best left behind in the NY countryside where they belong. After I stopped drinking I reached out to an old flame for that exact reason. I was so tired of lugging his memory around (always sizing up my husband against him) and when he did the thing I knew he'd do, I was free. I realize this is a wholly different situation than yours, but emotional real estate is emotional real estate, it gets unwieldy and time consuming. You say you look forward when you leave a situation. You didn't look back at your mailbox or garden but this guy was your way of taking a minute to look back. You may feel like what you did was regressive and masochistic but I think it was the most honest, affirming, badass kind of self-preservation out there. ❤️
I read this, the last comment I read in fact, before I left the hotel that morning and then walked away from this entire thread because, space. You got into my brain; I had to agree. Thank you for that. xxx
I've been in the liminal for some time, and tge past two or three weeks hace felt so damn foggy. There's an old part of me that would like to find the lesson in this, the thing that will make me be on the other side. And yet, another part of me recognizes that sitting with my boredom and restlessness is important on its own. This isn't a redemption arc, and this part makes up the whole of my experience as much as anything else. I love what you write because you're writing from the place, and not just looking back with wiser eyes. The human and currently in it, makes room for so much more depth and honesty. Thank you Holly.
I recently wanted to write to you and ask "is it common that once you stop drinking alcohol, a lot of shit in your life just seems blow up?"...that's what these last 4+ months have felt like, but I know I would not have learned as much as I've had without all the explosions (+no booze)...here's to calling this whole process beautiful.
Your fantasy of this person being available and that being why they are the perfect and most imperfect person, it so resonates for me. I am realizing where fantasy came into my life as as coping mechanism, connected to a low level of love addiction and hearing you, I have such deep empathy for all of us that find that person that we so crave and that will never fill the hole. Sending you love.
I read every word. Mostly via the email. Have not left a comment in a while. I am here. Excited for you. I have always admired you. "Carry the Fuck On" ....
I am glad it made it into your rotation for use and that it has gotten packed up for the move to Cali. A small gesture to let you know that your words shook me loose and so that I could change my life. Looking forward to the next chapter.
Thank you, Holly. I can relate with a lot of this, and as usual you have articulated feelings into words in a way that I am not able. Thank you for this. Also, thank you for the podcast update this past week -- you ARE a writer. Your journey is beautiful and I love that you are sharing it WHILE it's happening. Your work is so important. I am inspired.
Holly as always I tend to read your writing twice so it sinks in. I love your brave thought journey back to Cali. We are lucky to have you back in this lovely state. I also want to touch on your journey out of Tempest in this episode. Thank you for laying that painful process out, it really helped me understand more about what that journey felt like. But and I hope you are okay with me saying this again. From someone that finally found something that could literally save their life and continues to - you have and continue to leave a legacy that continues to save lives. So for all the pain you personally took on - what you created was magic and because you imprinted such strong fundamental personal thoughts and personality into that platform it continues to save lives and mine. Nothing I don’t think comes close to what you created at Tempest. You may be gone now from that legacy - sob. But you are not for us. Because you show and continue to show us how we can do this sobriety thing with some love and compassion. Forever grateful🙏🙏🙏💜 Safe journey. Love Miranda xo
Thank you Miranda. This is very much received. <3
i love you and i love your truth; it’s helped me find my own.
Thanks for being my ride or die out there. Miss you already
Love your writing, even when, maybe especially when, it reflects so much pain. I know it kind of cuts against the grain of your point, but I wish you love, peace and less pain. Is self worth even actually an achievable thing? Safe travels. I don’t know you but I love you
Close to the pain, and close the joy. Love you Joe.
"There is a very bright urge to not write about this at all, as if this part of me some how renders all else less."
Ah Holly, I see you and I love you and sometimes I think it's because in you I see myself, and I so desperately want to love her.
Thank you for your words, for sharing your journey with the wider world – you are a gift.
Love you Tara. Thank you.
Love that they highlighted the podcast but can't believe it was in the context of pairing it with a wine lol omg 🙃
What the actual fuck????? Horrifying!!!
lols. I can!
Yes.
Thank you.
“…that I will always be driving to their house to ask for my worth…”
Ughh, In all the ways.
❤️❤️❤️
in all the ways.
Me too. That line went straight into my heart, at the deepest, deepest level. It clarifies something for me that I will never be able to "unsee"... thank you, Holly.
As always thank you for sharing as you do. It is a reminder to me that it’s ok to be human and to grow and to be vulnerable and to be honest. These are the things I didn’t know for the first 40 years of my life and desire daily to know so throughly that I embody them. Your vulnerability in your writing reminds me that these things are difficult for others and I so appreciate that. Thank you for being you.
Thanks Rebby. I have to constantly remind myself nothing we can ever feel is unique to us, even though it absolutely feels singular. xx
Maybe I'm totally missing the point but facing down that guy (or whoever) was your very practical way of defusing the bomb. The bomb being a ticking "what if?" that you'd take in some measure with you to California...and maybe even harbor for a while about a person who in reality is not worth further rumination. A person most definitely best left behind in the NY countryside where they belong. After I stopped drinking I reached out to an old flame for that exact reason. I was so tired of lugging his memory around (always sizing up my husband against him) and when he did the thing I knew he'd do, I was free. I realize this is a wholly different situation than yours, but emotional real estate is emotional real estate, it gets unwieldy and time consuming. You say you look forward when you leave a situation. You didn't look back at your mailbox or garden but this guy was your way of taking a minute to look back. You may feel like what you did was regressive and masochistic but I think it was the most honest, affirming, badass kind of self-preservation out there. ❤️
I read this, the last comment I read in fact, before I left the hotel that morning and then walked away from this entire thread because, space. You got into my brain; I had to agree. Thank you for that. xxx
I've been in the liminal for some time, and tge past two or three weeks hace felt so damn foggy. There's an old part of me that would like to find the lesson in this, the thing that will make me be on the other side. And yet, another part of me recognizes that sitting with my boredom and restlessness is important on its own. This isn't a redemption arc, and this part makes up the whole of my experience as much as anything else. I love what you write because you're writing from the place, and not just looking back with wiser eyes. The human and currently in it, makes room for so much more depth and honesty. Thank you Holly.
Sitting in that space; so few do it Margot. So few. It is a courageous act to just be there at all. Love you.
"Determines our there"-yessss, thank you!
I recently wanted to write to you and ask "is it common that once you stop drinking alcohol, a lot of shit in your life just seems blow up?"...that's what these last 4+ months have felt like, but I know I would not have learned as much as I've had without all the explosions (+no booze)...here's to calling this whole process beautiful.
LOL YES. Love you.
Because I’m oldish I need to say please drive carefully, have a great trip. You are always, always going in the right direction, dear Holly.
lol. I love you. You can always tell me to buckle up and drive defensively.
I hope you’re doing ok and that the move has gone well!
<3
Your fantasy of this person being available and that being why they are the perfect and most imperfect person, it so resonates for me. I am realizing where fantasy came into my life as as coping mechanism, connected to a low level of love addiction and hearing you, I have such deep empathy for all of us that find that person that we so crave and that will never fill the hole. Sending you love.
This. This exactly. A very specific pain. Love you.
I read every word. Mostly via the email. Have not left a comment in a while. I am here. Excited for you. I have always admired you. "Carry the Fuck On" ....
I still use your mug <3
I am glad it made it into your rotation for use and that it has gotten packed up for the move to Cali. A small gesture to let you know that your words shook me loose and so that I could change my life. Looking forward to the next chapter.
Loved this piece of writing! And especially the joy I felt when I saw this blog coming in and I was looking forward for a quiet moment to read it.
<3 Anne.
Thank you, Holly. I can relate with a lot of this, and as usual you have articulated feelings into words in a way that I am not able. Thank you for this. Also, thank you for the podcast update this past week -- you ARE a writer. Your journey is beautiful and I love that you are sharing it WHILE it's happening. Your work is so important. I am inspired.