Hi friend! Starting in August the essay portion of the newsletter will remain free, the link section (Ten Things Right Now) will be for paid subscribers only. If you love this newsletter, get something out of it, read it weekly, and have the means,
I had the good fortune of being hacked by some terrorist organization that posted something awful (my friends thought I'd been kidnapped) and permanently banned from all Meta platforms a year ago. Zero people at FB care. Nothing to be done. As a coach and a writer (and a mom with 12 fucking years of friends and pictures and HISTORY), that really sucked. But also, thanks Universe. I vowed to build my business on my own. So far, it's a really slow churn. Brutal. Maybe it's happening beneath the surface. Maybe it's manifesting in another dimension. Either way, it appears the cost of trying to do this without socials is too great. At least for now. So today, with my tail between my legs, I opened up a new account and got back into my old FB group. I'm currently high on dopamine because I have really missed the memes. OMG. Also, I got a bunch of Likes and welcome backs and new old people are reading my shit again. My analytics are on crack.
It is what it is. I have to go where my audience is. Social media is a double edged sword. I'm not putting the app on my phone (which is why I'm still sitting at my desk at 8 pm). But I'm back for now, mentally prepared for my illegal status to be discovered by the alogithm and kicked back into the void. Fuck them if it happens again. But I don't know what else to do. So I'll just keep trying what feels right in the moment.
I will say that I doubt your core audience cares if you post consistently. I am a lifer with you (you were my Day One) and I'll send you money as long as I have some to spare. I'll listen to your podcast when the next episode drops because it's worth the wait. And even if it isn't, I'll catch the next one.
I don't know who Kendrick Lamar is, but maybe that's because I've been living in the void. I'd love to walk away from the noise too, follow my inner peace. Good for that guy. But until I have an audience that will follow me anywhere and a team to hustle on my behalf, I'm smiling like I don't have a care in the world and posting that shit in my FB group. I'll hire someone to do IG for me, because bitch please. Unless I can't afford it. Whatever.
I thought about this a lot yesterday (and the past few years), because honestly, I have the ability, now, because of the platform itself, to not use it. It will obviously cost me, but I'm not just starting out, and if I were in your shoes I'd do exactly what you are doing. I want to make a few additional points. First, I am grateful for it. I wouldn't be having this conversation here with you if there wasn't a thing such as instagram. Second, a friend who's a full time mom and full time employee and breadwinner and all that shit and one of the most conscientious people I know was talking about "superseding the context of capitalism" which is a really arrogant way of saying, we live within this system; this is the system we have and to throw guilt on top of any of the terrible choices we have to make in this system is unecessary. She was talking about how she uses amazon and all the things she fundamentally disagrees with but has to do to be a good mother and not go insane, etc. So i think it's really important to state that; this is the system we have. Third, when I used to use instagram, like for the first five years, there was an element of joy in it. I loved making a post that made people think or connecting in community over shared ideas and creating memes and all that stuff; there were downsides (I thought about it too much; I esteemed myself in likes; I thought "in instagram"; everything was "content"; I measured myself in follower count; I could go on) but those things weren't as particularly gutting as what the last two years have brought . It's important to remember when thinking about your own stuff with it, I've had people say horrible things to me, make horrible memes about me, talk about me in my own threads as if I wasn't there/wasn't human, and that, coupled with being a person who has some exposure and an expectation of what I'm supposed to do/how I'm supposed to be (and criticism that comes when I'm not performing), and being already really fragile because I was going through something very painful and disorienting, I think that really needs to be taken into consideration. The point of writing this was to be honest about something, not about instagram in my mind, but about those ways we don't listen to ourselves, and the options we think we don't have. In any way, I want to reinforce: what you are doing is what i did. And in a way doing it freed me from doing it. GOD SPEED. Love you.
Technology companies have spent billions of dollars developing ways to hack your nervous system and brain so that you become totally addicted to it. There is no way to outsmart it, manage it, tolerate it, control it. There is nothing wrong with any of us who struggle with it, we aren’t weak or dumb or pathetic. The algorithm is just too powerful for human nervous systems. Watch the social dilemma.
Janeane Garofalo and Donna Tartt also have no social media presence. I read that when Donna Tartt is writing she sometimes put her phone on a shelf in a closet for weeks at a time. When she won the Pulitzer Prize she didn't even know until her agent finally got a hold of her. And everyone knows who she is. Or at least anyone who reads does. xo
Ugh. All of this. Every word. The tangle of it all is so real and I feel it too in my own ways. Thank you for sharing on these topics in ways that dip just a little bit deeper into the true fuckery of it all than most I read. Your words are everything.
You know what to do. Last chapter of QLAW - The True Resistance!
If you had to drink alcohol to make money and keep a job - you would say Fuck that.
Your work is here for the long run - could impact generations to come. Not just current culture.
Are you trying to remind us or you that Instagram sucks and that tech companies do not have our best interest. And you are seriously considering starting a Tic tok account? For what? To sell a couple more books? Really?
True it gave you a mic but your message and you as a medium are so strong and powerful - you could have started by talking out on the corner of your local Starbucks and you would have made a dent in this world.
You know what to do. You made the case right here. The only hold it has on you is a perceived idea that you will make more $ from your book?
I love you until the end of time and I apologize for being upset in my post - but for the love of god ... do not get on Tic Tok! :)
lol I would never in a million fucking years get on TicTok. Thanks, you for this <3 I was less trying to talk about Instagram as evil or bad or whatever, but to work out something that everyone deals with, which is overriding our very real, clear, smart internal voices because they are at odds with what we think we have to do or what is expected of us; we think we're not allowed to make certain choices. It's not different than what people face making the choice not to drink, get a divorce, leave a job, etc. There is a venting piece of it about instagram because it's felt terrible and I've yielded to "supposed to do" over "what is my body telling me to do", but the latter is the point. Nothing we need ever feels this way.
PS. I deleted Twitter, Insta and Fb in 2019. And I started using a flip phone last week. - This is not a humble brag - the point I want to make is - use a flip phone. You realize that culture DEMANDS a smart phone. Oh those tickets you got - no PDF - they are in some app - You want to park downtown? You need to use our app. You want to make a reservation for your wifes birthday? You need an app for that.
It is horrible - not to mention the looks you get. I almost gave up in the first week but now I am on the other side of the breakup .. moving into week 3 - I will NEVER go back. You need me? Call and talk to me.
I want a flip phone so bad (or one of those “smart phone lite” they design for seniors--the jitterbugs). It is my dependence on my phone as a GPS tool that keeps me from doing it.
Sunbeam wireless is the phone I got. No tracking etc. They have a Voice to Text feature that works better than SIRI ever did. $200 for the phone. Unlocked. Pop your sim in and it works.
Aug 31, 2022·edited Aug 31, 2022Liked by Holly Whitaker
Gosh Holly, you hit the nail on the head for me this week. First, I want to say, I will accept the Monday email ANY day of the week, because schedules are hard and it’s more exciting that way! Second, gosh what a year it’s been for me, I narrowly avoided being hospitalized for my bipolar disorder and have spent the rest of the year trying to get stable. Safe to say, I am finally stable again. But fuck me if I ever get to that dark of a place again. I am doing everything in my power to avoid it. This week that meant calling out from work and going for a bike ride and resting instead. Listening to that inner voice is hard when there’s so much input from society, but damn it feels so much better to listen and lean in and rest. So much love for you as you travel on your journey. Keep writing, it’s changing lives. It changes mine almost weekly.
I mean speaking of addiction, the unpredictability of delivery is a great way to hook people (random rewards). And thank you Jenn; it has a lot more to do with what I think other people think than what I think if that makes sense. My heart is with you and your own hard year, I'm so glad to hear you're stable. Listening to that inner voice especially when it deviates from the collective norm is so hard, and so deeply rewarding when we can. I really, really think you'll love that podcast with LG that I recommended a few times. It's about this exactly. Love to you.
I completely forgot Holly started with the intention of sending a weekly email but seeing her writing pop up in my inbox is a joy ANY day of the week! As someone who finds social media deeply depressing I am grateful to have a platform like this.
Hi Holly. Your writing about your time of struggle makes me breathe out a long long sigh. Thank God Holly is struggling too. Phew phew phew. I’m struggling too. And if you’re struggling even after everything you’ve achieved then I don’t feel so useless and incapable and alone.
And all the social media stuff - yup I feel it too and I’m addicted to it in a totally silly unproductive way. But my livelihood isn’t dependent on it so you have my sympathies and understanding that you are kinda stuck with it for now. And yes we all see the hustlers online - even when they’re saying stop the hustle, and it makes me puke. But when you’re authentic like you are, then for me, I think it can be seen, it feels different and less yuck. You’re fab. I am very thankful for your honesty and realness. It is a great comfort & actually lifesaving Xx
I love it when I find out people I think don't struggle struggle! lol. But you might be the only one that thinks that about me. Ugh yes but even if your livelihood isn't linked to it, there's still plenty of layers to sort through. You're fab too. thank you.
I feel sad at what a lot of grown women feel they need to do, in order to be see on IG. I've told my girlfriends if they seem me lip synching or dancing...hold an intervention.
Maybe they should do that anyway as I'm off to Google "who is Kendrick Lamar?"
lol. Well I also have to remember that some of my friends do not feel this way, and genuinely love it, and are genuinely great at it. I mean, look at Melissa Urban. She's THRIVING. I think it's like anything else, it's gonna make some of us sicker, and some of us won't be affected at all. LMK how your google search turns out!
Maybe one of the best things that came out of losing my small business was the ability to drop FB and never look back. I hung on with IG until this spring, still haven't deleted my account because... just in case... but I empathize so much with people who want out and for whatever reason need to stay in the game. My mental health just couldn't take it and I don't know what I would do if my income/livelihood depended on staying on social media again.
I love this newsletter on whatever day, always look forward to seeing your name in my inbox.
I do too. I wrote at length about that on the pinned comment above because I also wouldn't be able to leave social media if I hadn't been "good" at social media. I have so much compassion for all of us because we're all stuck in the same poopy system. LY.
100% feel this. Social DESTROYS me. I used to think my intolerance of it was because I was 'too insecure' or that it was due to my age (54) but increasingly instead of trying to get into the 'right' mindset to play the game, I take it as a sign that - like booze - it's just not good for me, and I'm not what needs fixing. Better just not to go there, and instead smell the roses, call or hang out with an actual friend, and/or find any way whatsoever to be kind to myself. I am trying to sell stuff too, but can't do it at the cost of my sanity. No solutions to offer, just gently standing with you.
Oh and PS. IT is because of you and Laura that I AM FOUR YEARS SOBER AS OF YESTERDAY! ! thank you many times over. I’ve said it before- you save lives.
HELL YES BETSY!!! Dancing and clapping and jumping for joy (but really sitting in my chair, but doing that metaphorically) for you. What an incredible milestone. xx
THANK YOU! No one else in my life really responds that way. I'm not around a lot of sober people So THIS means a lot to me. I'm appreciative of this but feel like i still have so much shit to deal with. as you know, stopping drinking just lays it all wide open. It's a bit daunting at times. thank you for responding.
I do understand. And there is a plane of existence where you are getting parades every day. You are not alone, and it is a beautiful, huge, big deal that impacts not only you, but so many many people.
I was reading this and I wished I could listen to it with your voice. Just saying. Thanks for your mails. They are for me a way to reconnect to a part of me, that I right now feel disconnected on my own in the last months.
I'm going to start doing voice notes here! I tried one out and I'm going to test it next week. And maybe I'll read these and add voice to it? That's a great idea. xx
Just found this post and wow I needed it at this exact moment. Thank you. Listening to yourself is hard and feels even harder when you don't have a soft "like" at the end of the day to remind you that its good to listen to yourself. And to the point the poster below made, even when you have that "like" its still hard AF.
I had the good fortune of being hacked by some terrorist organization that posted something awful (my friends thought I'd been kidnapped) and permanently banned from all Meta platforms a year ago. Zero people at FB care. Nothing to be done. As a coach and a writer (and a mom with 12 fucking years of friends and pictures and HISTORY), that really sucked. But also, thanks Universe. I vowed to build my business on my own. So far, it's a really slow churn. Brutal. Maybe it's happening beneath the surface. Maybe it's manifesting in another dimension. Either way, it appears the cost of trying to do this without socials is too great. At least for now. So today, with my tail between my legs, I opened up a new account and got back into my old FB group. I'm currently high on dopamine because I have really missed the memes. OMG. Also, I got a bunch of Likes and welcome backs and new old people are reading my shit again. My analytics are on crack.
It is what it is. I have to go where my audience is. Social media is a double edged sword. I'm not putting the app on my phone (which is why I'm still sitting at my desk at 8 pm). But I'm back for now, mentally prepared for my illegal status to be discovered by the alogithm and kicked back into the void. Fuck them if it happens again. But I don't know what else to do. So I'll just keep trying what feels right in the moment.
I will say that I doubt your core audience cares if you post consistently. I am a lifer with you (you were my Day One) and I'll send you money as long as I have some to spare. I'll listen to your podcast when the next episode drops because it's worth the wait. And even if it isn't, I'll catch the next one.
I don't know who Kendrick Lamar is, but maybe that's because I've been living in the void. I'd love to walk away from the noise too, follow my inner peace. Good for that guy. But until I have an audience that will follow me anywhere and a team to hustle on my behalf, I'm smiling like I don't have a care in the world and posting that shit in my FB group. I'll hire someone to do IG for me, because bitch please. Unless I can't afford it. Whatever.
It's hard either way.
I thought about this a lot yesterday (and the past few years), because honestly, I have the ability, now, because of the platform itself, to not use it. It will obviously cost me, but I'm not just starting out, and if I were in your shoes I'd do exactly what you are doing. I want to make a few additional points. First, I am grateful for it. I wouldn't be having this conversation here with you if there wasn't a thing such as instagram. Second, a friend who's a full time mom and full time employee and breadwinner and all that shit and one of the most conscientious people I know was talking about "superseding the context of capitalism" which is a really arrogant way of saying, we live within this system; this is the system we have and to throw guilt on top of any of the terrible choices we have to make in this system is unecessary. She was talking about how she uses amazon and all the things she fundamentally disagrees with but has to do to be a good mother and not go insane, etc. So i think it's really important to state that; this is the system we have. Third, when I used to use instagram, like for the first five years, there was an element of joy in it. I loved making a post that made people think or connecting in community over shared ideas and creating memes and all that stuff; there were downsides (I thought about it too much; I esteemed myself in likes; I thought "in instagram"; everything was "content"; I measured myself in follower count; I could go on) but those things weren't as particularly gutting as what the last two years have brought . It's important to remember when thinking about your own stuff with it, I've had people say horrible things to me, make horrible memes about me, talk about me in my own threads as if I wasn't there/wasn't human, and that, coupled with being a person who has some exposure and an expectation of what I'm supposed to do/how I'm supposed to be (and criticism that comes when I'm not performing), and being already really fragile because I was going through something very painful and disorienting, I think that really needs to be taken into consideration. The point of writing this was to be honest about something, not about instagram in my mind, but about those ways we don't listen to ourselves, and the options we think we don't have. In any way, I want to reinforce: what you are doing is what i did. And in a way doing it freed me from doing it. GOD SPEED. Love you.
I don't know who he is either! 😂
It's hard either way. Exactly this. x
Technology companies have spent billions of dollars developing ways to hack your nervous system and brain so that you become totally addicted to it. There is no way to outsmart it, manage it, tolerate it, control it. There is nothing wrong with any of us who struggle with it, we aren’t weak or dumb or pathetic. The algorithm is just too powerful for human nervous systems. Watch the social dilemma.
This. Thanks Jessica.
Janeane Garofalo and Donna Tartt also have no social media presence. I read that when Donna Tartt is writing she sometimes put her phone on a shelf in a closet for weeks at a time. When she won the Pulitzer Prize she didn't even know until her agent finally got a hold of her. And everyone knows who she is. Or at least anyone who reads does. xo
I still haven't read the Goldfinch! Which you recommended! I love this so much; thanks for the additional examples. LY.
OMG dude what are you waiting for?!?!
IDK!
And The Secret History!! (You can skip The Little Friend imho) but the other 2 are my faves. xo
Ugh. All of this. Every word. The tangle of it all is so real and I feel it too in my own ways. Thank you for sharing on these topics in ways that dip just a little bit deeper into the true fuckery of it all than most I read. Your words are everything.
I KNOW YOU KNOW. I see you.
You know what to do. Last chapter of QLAW - The True Resistance!
If you had to drink alcohol to make money and keep a job - you would say Fuck that.
Your work is here for the long run - could impact generations to come. Not just current culture.
Are you trying to remind us or you that Instagram sucks and that tech companies do not have our best interest. And you are seriously considering starting a Tic tok account? For what? To sell a couple more books? Really?
True it gave you a mic but your message and you as a medium are so strong and powerful - you could have started by talking out on the corner of your local Starbucks and you would have made a dent in this world.
You know what to do. You made the case right here. The only hold it has on you is a perceived idea that you will make more $ from your book?
I love you until the end of time and I apologize for being upset in my post - but for the love of god ... do not get on Tic Tok! :)
lol I would never in a million fucking years get on TicTok. Thanks, you for this <3 I was less trying to talk about Instagram as evil or bad or whatever, but to work out something that everyone deals with, which is overriding our very real, clear, smart internal voices because they are at odds with what we think we have to do or what is expected of us; we think we're not allowed to make certain choices. It's not different than what people face making the choice not to drink, get a divorce, leave a job, etc. There is a venting piece of it about instagram because it's felt terrible and I've yielded to "supposed to do" over "what is my body telling me to do", but the latter is the point. Nothing we need ever feels this way.
Never doubt that the work you are doing today will stand the test of time for 100 years or more. FYI.
your the best. Love always. Sorry I freaked out and mis understood the post.
you're great! I think the curse of the writer is almost always being misunderstood to some extent and learning to live with that lol. xx
PS. I deleted Twitter, Insta and Fb in 2019. And I started using a flip phone last week. - This is not a humble brag - the point I want to make is - use a flip phone. You realize that culture DEMANDS a smart phone. Oh those tickets you got - no PDF - they are in some app - You want to park downtown? You need to use our app. You want to make a reservation for your wifes birthday? You need an app for that.
It is horrible - not to mention the looks you get. I almost gave up in the first week but now I am on the other side of the breakup .. moving into week 3 - I will NEVER go back. You need me? Call and talk to me.
lol I tried a flip phone but texting took way too long!! Let us know how it goes okay?
I want a flip phone so bad (or one of those “smart phone lite” they design for seniors--the jitterbugs). It is my dependence on my phone as a GPS tool that keeps me from doing it.
Sunbeam wireless is the phone I got. No tracking etc. They have a Voice to Text feature that works better than SIRI ever did. $200 for the phone. Unlocked. Pop your sim in and it works.
Gosh Holly, you hit the nail on the head for me this week. First, I want to say, I will accept the Monday email ANY day of the week, because schedules are hard and it’s more exciting that way! Second, gosh what a year it’s been for me, I narrowly avoided being hospitalized for my bipolar disorder and have spent the rest of the year trying to get stable. Safe to say, I am finally stable again. But fuck me if I ever get to that dark of a place again. I am doing everything in my power to avoid it. This week that meant calling out from work and going for a bike ride and resting instead. Listening to that inner voice is hard when there’s so much input from society, but damn it feels so much better to listen and lean in and rest. So much love for you as you travel on your journey. Keep writing, it’s changing lives. It changes mine almost weekly.
I mean speaking of addiction, the unpredictability of delivery is a great way to hook people (random rewards). And thank you Jenn; it has a lot more to do with what I think other people think than what I think if that makes sense. My heart is with you and your own hard year, I'm so glad to hear you're stable. Listening to that inner voice especially when it deviates from the collective norm is so hard, and so deeply rewarding when we can. I really, really think you'll love that podcast with LG that I recommended a few times. It's about this exactly. Love to you.
I completely forgot Holly started with the intention of sending a weekly email but seeing her writing pop up in my inbox is a joy ANY day of the week! As someone who finds social media deeply depressing I am grateful to have a platform like this.
Agreed! I do not have social media, so the newsletters I’m subscribed to always excite me!
Hi Holly. Your writing about your time of struggle makes me breathe out a long long sigh. Thank God Holly is struggling too. Phew phew phew. I’m struggling too. And if you’re struggling even after everything you’ve achieved then I don’t feel so useless and incapable and alone.
And all the social media stuff - yup I feel it too and I’m addicted to it in a totally silly unproductive way. But my livelihood isn’t dependent on it so you have my sympathies and understanding that you are kinda stuck with it for now. And yes we all see the hustlers online - even when they’re saying stop the hustle, and it makes me puke. But when you’re authentic like you are, then for me, I think it can be seen, it feels different and less yuck. You’re fab. I am very thankful for your honesty and realness. It is a great comfort & actually lifesaving Xx
I love it when I find out people I think don't struggle struggle! lol. But you might be the only one that thinks that about me. Ugh yes but even if your livelihood isn't linked to it, there's still plenty of layers to sort through. You're fab too. thank you.
I just became a paid subscriber. Thank you for this. Sober Art ♾
Oh good because I sent it and then I was like OMG what did I just publish. lol. Love you.
Omg love u too. Stoked to find your writing!!!
I just found your art. !!!
Ah! Thanks for looking!!
Love this essay so much.
I feel sad at what a lot of grown women feel they need to do, in order to be see on IG. I've told my girlfriends if they seem me lip synching or dancing...hold an intervention.
Maybe they should do that anyway as I'm off to Google "who is Kendrick Lamar?"
lol. Well I also have to remember that some of my friends do not feel this way, and genuinely love it, and are genuinely great at it. I mean, look at Melissa Urban. She's THRIVING. I think it's like anything else, it's gonna make some of us sicker, and some of us won't be affected at all. LMK how your google search turns out!
Maybe one of the best things that came out of losing my small business was the ability to drop FB and never look back. I hung on with IG until this spring, still haven't deleted my account because... just in case... but I empathize so much with people who want out and for whatever reason need to stay in the game. My mental health just couldn't take it and I don't know what I would do if my income/livelihood depended on staying on social media again.
I love this newsletter on whatever day, always look forward to seeing your name in my inbox.
I do too. I wrote at length about that on the pinned comment above because I also wouldn't be able to leave social media if I hadn't been "good" at social media. I have so much compassion for all of us because we're all stuck in the same poopy system. LY.
100% feel this. Social DESTROYS me. I used to think my intolerance of it was because I was 'too insecure' or that it was due to my age (54) but increasingly instead of trying to get into the 'right' mindset to play the game, I take it as a sign that - like booze - it's just not good for me, and I'm not what needs fixing. Better just not to go there, and instead smell the roses, call or hang out with an actual friend, and/or find any way whatsoever to be kind to myself. I am trying to sell stuff too, but can't do it at the cost of my sanity. No solutions to offer, just gently standing with you.
Gently standing together. <3
Oh and PS. IT is because of you and Laura that I AM FOUR YEARS SOBER AS OF YESTERDAY! ! thank you many times over. I’ve said it before- you save lives.
HELL YES BETSY!!! Dancing and clapping and jumping for joy (but really sitting in my chair, but doing that metaphorically) for you. What an incredible milestone. xx
THANK YOU! No one else in my life really responds that way. I'm not around a lot of sober people So THIS means a lot to me. I'm appreciative of this but feel like i still have so much shit to deal with. as you know, stopping drinking just lays it all wide open. It's a bit daunting at times. thank you for responding.
I do understand. And there is a plane of existence where you are getting parades every day. You are not alone, and it is a beautiful, huge, big deal that impacts not only you, but so many many people.
I don't really pay attention to when I receive your emails...I'm just always happy when I do! I love you.
Also, I think most people that use social media for promotion pay someone to handle all that crap for them....just a thought.
It's so funny because I used to be completely opposed to that idea because, authenticity. But I am very very open to it now. lol. LY.
I am grateful I can afford to have someone handle it for me now. Tho I still appear there despite my intentions. It’s not good for me.
I was reading this and I wished I could listen to it with your voice. Just saying. Thanks for your mails. They are for me a way to reconnect to a part of me, that I right now feel disconnected on my own in the last months.
I'm going to start doing voice notes here! I tried one out and I'm going to test it next week. And maybe I'll read these and add voice to it? That's a great idea. xx
Love you xx sorry you had such a shitty year xx
Me too! But like anything else, the worst stuff somehow gives you the best stuff? ILY.
Just found this post and wow I needed it at this exact moment. Thank you. Listening to yourself is hard and feels even harder when you don't have a soft "like" at the end of the day to remind you that its good to listen to yourself. And to the point the poster below made, even when you have that "like" its still hard AF.
♥️