In May this year my friend Katie came over to my house to co-work. She answered emails on the couch and I sat at the kitchen table with a very large box of mail I hadn’t opened since April 2021, which was the month I gave up trying.
Holly, dear soul, I totally felt your mail anxiety. But the first thing I wondered was, maybe this was all about control. You took total control of your life by refusing to open the mail….and it doesn’t have to be perceived as a ‘failing’ to do something. This is maybe an antithetical view, but I see it this way. There are certain boundaries that we develop for protection no matter why or how or whatever. You needed this.
(I get so excited when I see your emails come in, btw. Thank you for your words, ALL of them!)
Great writing Holly. It really, really resonated with me. I too have this same part that likes to avoid (making decisions, work, simple tasks, chores, even fun). I call it my avoidant part. It usually becomes active during times of stress or when I’m afraid of making a mistake. Therapy (Specifically, a type of therapy called Internal Family Systems or (IFS)) has helped me get to know this part of me much better so that it’s not so paralyzing. I understand why it’s been working so hard all these years- out of protection and with positive intent. Check it out, I think you’d dig it. It will have a place with the future of psychedelic assisted psychotherapy. Keep up the great work and thank you!
"Everyone has a box." Yes, yes, yes--and in my case, it's a Book, which I voluntarily abandoned just about a year ago, in the same way I abandoned so many pieces of myself that I have slowly, painstakingly, recovered in recovery. So, thank you, thank you. I didn't realize my book was the Box until I read your painstakingly honest piece (which are like all your pieces, emphasis on metaphorical implications). I didn't even know how to begin to put down the drink (Eliz. Gilbert's turn of phrase?) until I read your book--like, a thousand times; and in the process I began to put down the food (biggest box of all, I thought); until I got what the food and drink uncovered--the box inside the box inside the box, like nesting addictions, fit in the order of what killed me the most, literal and meta- emphasis--the primal belief system that I was no good. Reeking of shame.
So again, thank you: because your turn of phrase, "reeking of regression," made me realize yet again that this entire process, what you might call the Heroine's Journey, reeks of old belief systems, grounded in shame-based myths. You--I, all of us--may be in that period of voluntary, even violent isolation that Her journey requires. Sloughing off the masculine-based myths and systems of power, rooting out the feminine sources and expressions. That's a new box for me: and not a whole lot has been written about it (hint, hint). Or podcast about it ('nother hint). (Have you ever read into it, beginning maybe with Maureen Murdock's book, the Heroine's Journey, which really is just a rudimentary beginning?)
At any rate, your box, your books, your book-in-process reek of wondrous Pandorian powers that you're brave enough to unleash into the world. Thank you, thank you. You are a gift and a light on my journey, and I can't wait to dive back into my Box. Fuck what the world thinks of its contents, its weaknesses and wonders: it's mine and worth the world to me.
I open my mail this way too. I leave it to pile up for about 2-5 months and then I open it all. My bills are on direct payment. I’ve done it this way for years. It’s a good way. 💗
This is so timely. I've spent the last 5 years cleaning up my unopened shame stack, as well. I am by no means out of the woods, but I'm certainly standing on more solid ground. But the last year and a half or so, I find myself doing the whole avoiding thing. It feels good knowing I am not alone in this behavior. Aggressive regression kicking my ass again. I've never heard of IFS - gonna take a looksy. As someone who tends to isolate when I get overwhelmed, I'm feeling super grateful for this forum. Holly I adore your honesty. Thank you!
Loved it! I am a procrastinator from the word go! I know that part of my problem is ADD and I can easily get distracted, but I also know I avoid jumping in. Getting it done, and then the shame that follows is excruciating. I am 66 years old as of Tuesday, and I feel like am I ever going to just do it!
Is there a correlation between #2 (the cost of alcohol) and how many people are choosing “alcohol free” months? Is it really about the cost and nothing more than that?
Holly, dear soul, I totally felt your mail anxiety. But the first thing I wondered was, maybe this was all about control. You took total control of your life by refusing to open the mail….and it doesn’t have to be perceived as a ‘failing’ to do something. This is maybe an antithetical view, but I see it this way. There are certain boundaries that we develop for protection no matter why or how or whatever. You needed this.
(I get so excited when I see your emails come in, btw. Thank you for your words, ALL of them!)
Great writing Holly. It really, really resonated with me. I too have this same part that likes to avoid (making decisions, work, simple tasks, chores, even fun). I call it my avoidant part. It usually becomes active during times of stress or when I’m afraid of making a mistake. Therapy (Specifically, a type of therapy called Internal Family Systems or (IFS)) has helped me get to know this part of me much better so that it’s not so paralyzing. I understand why it’s been working so hard all these years- out of protection and with positive intent. Check it out, I think you’d dig it. It will have a place with the future of psychedelic assisted psychotherapy. Keep up the great work and thank you!
I wish you'd been around when I was younger. Love your insightful work on why being here without a buzz is revolutionary??!!! Right on Right on....
i love that we’re coo coo in the same ways thanks GOD we found each other
Paralysis. My go to was “Fuck it. I’ll get to it tomorrow “ And the phone felt like it weighed 50 ponds
Read this post with Brad Pitt screaming in my head, "WHAT'S IN THE BOXXXXX!?"
Such a relatable piece... it's motivating me to open that email I've been avoiding all day. We've all got a box, thanks for sharing yours!
"Everyone has a box." Yes, yes, yes--and in my case, it's a Book, which I voluntarily abandoned just about a year ago, in the same way I abandoned so many pieces of myself that I have slowly, painstakingly, recovered in recovery. So, thank you, thank you. I didn't realize my book was the Box until I read your painstakingly honest piece (which are like all your pieces, emphasis on metaphorical implications). I didn't even know how to begin to put down the drink (Eliz. Gilbert's turn of phrase?) until I read your book--like, a thousand times; and in the process I began to put down the food (biggest box of all, I thought); until I got what the food and drink uncovered--the box inside the box inside the box, like nesting addictions, fit in the order of what killed me the most, literal and meta- emphasis--the primal belief system that I was no good. Reeking of shame.
So again, thank you: because your turn of phrase, "reeking of regression," made me realize yet again that this entire process, what you might call the Heroine's Journey, reeks of old belief systems, grounded in shame-based myths. You--I, all of us--may be in that period of voluntary, even violent isolation that Her journey requires. Sloughing off the masculine-based myths and systems of power, rooting out the feminine sources and expressions. That's a new box for me: and not a whole lot has been written about it (hint, hint). Or podcast about it ('nother hint). (Have you ever read into it, beginning maybe with Maureen Murdock's book, the Heroine's Journey, which really is just a rudimentary beginning?)
At any rate, your box, your books, your book-in-process reek of wondrous Pandorian powers that you're brave enough to unleash into the world. Thank you, thank you. You are a gift and a light on my journey, and I can't wait to dive back into my Box. Fuck what the world thinks of its contents, its weaknesses and wonders: it's mine and worth the world to me.
I open my mail this way too. I leave it to pile up for about 2-5 months and then I open it all. My bills are on direct payment. I’ve done it this way for years. It’s a good way. 💗
Yes, please, let’s demand a corrected calibration of “performing adult life”
HOTDOGS 🌭 AND RACOONS 🦝!
🫶🫶🫶
This is so timely. I've spent the last 5 years cleaning up my unopened shame stack, as well. I am by no means out of the woods, but I'm certainly standing on more solid ground. But the last year and a half or so, I find myself doing the whole avoiding thing. It feels good knowing I am not alone in this behavior. Aggressive regression kicking my ass again. I've never heard of IFS - gonna take a looksy. As someone who tends to isolate when I get overwhelmed, I'm feeling super grateful for this forum. Holly I adore your honesty. Thank you!
Loved it! I am a procrastinator from the word go! I know that part of my problem is ADD and I can easily get distracted, but I also know I avoid jumping in. Getting it done, and then the shame that follows is excruciating. I am 66 years old as of Tuesday, and I feel like am I ever going to just do it!
Is there a correlation between #2 (the cost of alcohol) and how many people are choosing “alcohol free” months? Is it really about the cost and nothing more than that?