But first: Tammi Salas and I re-launched our 40-day sobriety email course, The Mantra Project. We created this course in 2015, sold many thousands of them, and shuttered it in 2019 before my book came out.
I’m in a transition space right now - raw skinned and white knuckling it some weeks and other weeks floating on the bliss of feeling ok and praying maybe I sailed through the hard part and made it to the mythical other side… nope, there I am in the hateful, itchy discomfort of anxiety and existential dread again. I spin out trying to figure out why this is happening, how do I fix it… but what if I can’t fix it, what if I’m stuck here!? Who will I be on the other side of this? Thanks for this essay - words of accompaniment for this rough and tumble season of change and a new mantra for the really hard days: “I won’t spontaneously combust when I stay in the places that scare me, or the places I don’t want to be at all.” ❤️❤️
PS obsessed with the consumer aesthetic database. Aesthetics peaked in the 90s and you can’t convince me otherwise. 😎
WOW that’s a bold statement about aesthetics. Alex everything you wrote. Every word. It’s a long process. Also the smell of rain on dust was huge for me if you haven’t read it.
I’m in the early stages of grappling with a very unexpected loss, and I can already feel this pressure inside of me to figure out next steps, forward movement, getting “me” back; the “I don’t want this icky stuff” that you speak of. All this is to say this piece really lands for me, right this very minute. I’ll probably forget the lesson by the morning so I will read it again tomorrow (rinse and repeat).
Quick "first reaction..." I ordered the Mantra Project in 2015, and about half way through thought "hmm, this might be even more inspirational if I was trying to be sober," and when it concluded I launched into HSS, and as they say, the rest is herstory. Great idea to bring it back!
I always marvel at your excellent writing and your sharing of important information to help your fellow humans gain insights into themselves and life. Micki
Reviving the mantra with Tammi thing is like taking me back in time to something I missed and now get to do so THANK YOU. ✨And the rest of your essay is 🤯 bc I have been walking around with this Pema idea that there is “fresh air” in the hatey uncomfortable places/times & it is saving me and well you’ve always been nothing but inspiring and have taken it a little further. 🙏🏼
Oct 12, 2022·edited Oct 12, 2022Liked by Holly Whitaker
Holly I haven’t got to the end of the newsletter yet but I am so excited about the mantra project and signing up today! I just met Tammi at TLC. So excited!! Thank you for Re launching this for us 💜❤️🧡💙💛💚🙏🦋
I am so excited about the mantra project. It was my most cherished part of the old HIP/Tempest. 3.5 years sober and you have to constantly keep at it for sure. I have some friends I might gift this too!
I love this newsletter so much. Your perspective and spiritual journey is what hooked me in during Home, and inspired me to live alcohol free. And these newsletters are a highlight to my week. The top 10 (ok 20) is always a cornucopia of goodness. I logged a ridiculous amount of time on the consumer aesthetics site and only came up for air during a giggle at the Life Laugh Love category with quite possibly the funniest description I’ve heard, “Wood grain, brush script fonts, and snarky slogans about how often you drink wine. Still going strong in suburban homes worldwide.” A sober person definitely wrote that!!! :-D Was it you????
Hmmm, reading the Pemi story, I couldn't help but interpret it as gaslighting of the highest order. I wonder, also, if there was any delay between Pemi hearing that this was a wonderful experience and running back to get into it, with that 'depression is bliss' approach. It all just sounds impossible. Like that phrase is just courting controversy and irritation.
I guess that is why you have *aspired* to this approach when experiencing the darker times. Because it is not really a possible approach, right? It sounds to me like another punishing way of experiencing depression, tbh. Like, oh no! I can't believe I'm not blissing out in this!
It reminds me of that story Byron Katie tells about the woman who is bedbound, at the end of her life, and upset because one of her legs is vastly larger than the other. And Byron Katie says something like, Oh I get it. The problem is that you think the legs should be the same size!
Because the answer is to love what is.
But imagine saying that to a dying person in distress. And then using it as story to show how spiritually enlightened you are.
When you're not as spiritually enlightened as these individuals claim to be, these things can sound like the cruel exclamations of psychopaths. Or is it just me that sees it that way?
I mean, their teachings are so out of reach for most people as to seem impossible. And then I just sense the gulf of privilege I've crossed to be accessing them, even getting something out of it, and it makes me feel I might be losing with touch with reality.
Like, tell the Pemi story to this man in the homeless shelter. It's not very accessible.
I have found Byron Katie's lessons useful in the past, but I'm just wondering about these things.
It sounds like holding oneself to a very high expectation indeed to enjoy the deepest depressions.
All very good food for thought. To your questions, I have no answers; I do think nuance is always required, like a person fasting as part of a spiritual practice is different than a person starving from lack of resources, could be seen as the same thing, the not eating, but they are having vastly different experiences. I think if we say “you should be blissed out in your depression” that’s pretty fucked up, no one needs that, but maybe to someone who needs to be reminded that it’s okay to be where they are it’s a gift. I definitely do not aspire to this approach. It’s more about, how do I work with this. How do I show up for this part. And I think that’s what you’re doing in this comment, working out what honestly none of us know.
I love Holly's piece, Chelsey, and I relate far more to what you are saying here than Pema's story. I appreciate you saying this and want you to know I do. These unimaginable states of being the Buddhists often speak to no longer work for me (thought they clearly must for others, this isn't me being judgmental) so I look elsewhere for my peace of mind when I am in my darkest moments, which seem to come every few days if not more regularly.
Hi Holly. I read everything you ever post but somehow had missed this one- just found it as have just signed up for 'The Mantra Project'- which I have done today as I feel sure that it is exactly what I need at this point in my own (alcohol-related, maybe also I am starting to realise, depression-related) recovery journey. I'm looking forward to getting my first email and starting the project tomorrow. But in the meantime, I just had to leave this comment to say that what you have set out in this essay is so completely descriptive of everything that is going on for me right now (internally and within my life; the 'no longer ..but not yet') that I had to stop several times while reading it just to take some slow breaths and fully appreciate and internalise the hard-earned wisdom that you articulate and convey. I needed this so much today and already you have enabled me to think more clearly and positively (and dare I even say, curiously). Thank you.
I’m in a transition space right now - raw skinned and white knuckling it some weeks and other weeks floating on the bliss of feeling ok and praying maybe I sailed through the hard part and made it to the mythical other side… nope, there I am in the hateful, itchy discomfort of anxiety and existential dread again. I spin out trying to figure out why this is happening, how do I fix it… but what if I can’t fix it, what if I’m stuck here!? Who will I be on the other side of this? Thanks for this essay - words of accompaniment for this rough and tumble season of change and a new mantra for the really hard days: “I won’t spontaneously combust when I stay in the places that scare me, or the places I don’t want to be at all.” ❤️❤️
PS obsessed with the consumer aesthetic database. Aesthetics peaked in the 90s and you can’t convince me otherwise. 😎
WOW that’s a bold statement about aesthetics. Alex everything you wrote. Every word. It’s a long process. Also the smell of rain on dust was huge for me if you haven’t read it.
I’m in the early stages of grappling with a very unexpected loss, and I can already feel this pressure inside of me to figure out next steps, forward movement, getting “me” back; the “I don’t want this icky stuff” that you speak of. All this is to say this piece really lands for me, right this very minute. I’ll probably forget the lesson by the morning so I will read it again tomorrow (rinse and repeat).
I understand. Sending you lots of space. ♥️
Quick "first reaction..." I ordered the Mantra Project in 2015, and about half way through thought "hmm, this might be even more inspirational if I was trying to be sober," and when it concluded I launched into HSS, and as they say, the rest is herstory. Great idea to bring it back!
Lol. The best herstory. Pammmmm. I love you so much. Forever.
I always marvel at your excellent writing and your sharing of important information to help your fellow humans gain insights into themselves and life. Micki
I love you mom ♥️
Reviving the mantra with Tammi thing is like taking me back in time to something I missed and now get to do so THANK YOU. ✨And the rest of your essay is 🤯 bc I have been walking around with this Pema idea that there is “fresh air” in the hatey uncomfortable places/times & it is saving me and well you’ve always been nothing but inspiring and have taken it a little further. 🙏🏼
Mmm. Pema. So good. Thank you.
Holly I haven’t got to the end of the newsletter yet but I am so excited about the mantra project and signing up today! I just met Tammi at TLC. So excited!! Thank you for Re launching this for us 💜❤️🧡💙💛💚🙏🦋
YAY
If you haven’ watched Roger Ebert Documentary its a must see. Simply. Unforgettable.
Ohhhhh! THANK YOU. I will.
I am so excited about the mantra project. It was my most cherished part of the old HIP/Tempest. 3.5 years sober and you have to constantly keep at it for sure. I have some friends I might gift this too!
Yay!!! It was such fun. I’m really glad we saved it.
Thank you so much for your brilliant writing and offerings.
Right now they are exactly what I need to stay sober and expand spiritually.
♥️
Love your writing and your thought process as always. Thanks!
♥️
I love this newsletter so much. Your perspective and spiritual journey is what hooked me in during Home, and inspired me to live alcohol free. And these newsletters are a highlight to my week. The top 10 (ok 20) is always a cornucopia of goodness. I logged a ridiculous amount of time on the consumer aesthetics site and only came up for air during a giggle at the Life Laugh Love category with quite possibly the funniest description I’ve heard, “Wood grain, brush script fonts, and snarky slogans about how often you drink wine. Still going strong in suburban homes worldwide.” A sober person definitely wrote that!!! :-D Was it you????
Ugh I knew there would be one of you who loved it!!! Omg the live laugh love I did NOT catch that part but YES. That’s a real aesthetic!
SNL has nailed that aesthetic in their “The Cut” skit. Thanks for your response!! It totally made my day :)
Hmmm, reading the Pemi story, I couldn't help but interpret it as gaslighting of the highest order. I wonder, also, if there was any delay between Pemi hearing that this was a wonderful experience and running back to get into it, with that 'depression is bliss' approach. It all just sounds impossible. Like that phrase is just courting controversy and irritation.
I guess that is why you have *aspired* to this approach when experiencing the darker times. Because it is not really a possible approach, right? It sounds to me like another punishing way of experiencing depression, tbh. Like, oh no! I can't believe I'm not blissing out in this!
It reminds me of that story Byron Katie tells about the woman who is bedbound, at the end of her life, and upset because one of her legs is vastly larger than the other. And Byron Katie says something like, Oh I get it. The problem is that you think the legs should be the same size!
Because the answer is to love what is.
But imagine saying that to a dying person in distress. And then using it as story to show how spiritually enlightened you are.
When you're not as spiritually enlightened as these individuals claim to be, these things can sound like the cruel exclamations of psychopaths. Or is it just me that sees it that way?
I mean, their teachings are so out of reach for most people as to seem impossible. And then I just sense the gulf of privilege I've crossed to be accessing them, even getting something out of it, and it makes me feel I might be losing with touch with reality.
Like, tell the Pemi story to this man in the homeless shelter. It's not very accessible.
I have found Byron Katie's lessons useful in the past, but I'm just wondering about these things.
It sounds like holding oneself to a very high expectation indeed to enjoy the deepest depressions.
But perhaps I just sound very earthbound?
Thanks for writing, it was an interesting read.
All very good food for thought. To your questions, I have no answers; I do think nuance is always required, like a person fasting as part of a spiritual practice is different than a person starving from lack of resources, could be seen as the same thing, the not eating, but they are having vastly different experiences. I think if we say “you should be blissed out in your depression” that’s pretty fucked up, no one needs that, but maybe to someone who needs to be reminded that it’s okay to be where they are it’s a gift. I definitely do not aspire to this approach. It’s more about, how do I work with this. How do I show up for this part. And I think that’s what you’re doing in this comment, working out what honestly none of us know.
I love Holly's piece, Chelsey, and I relate far more to what you are saying here than Pema's story. I appreciate you saying this and want you to know I do. These unimaginable states of being the Buddhists often speak to no longer work for me (thought they clearly must for others, this isn't me being judgmental) so I look elsewhere for my peace of mind when I am in my darkest moments, which seem to come every few days if not more regularly.
Hi Holly. I read everything you ever post but somehow had missed this one- just found it as have just signed up for 'The Mantra Project'- which I have done today as I feel sure that it is exactly what I need at this point in my own (alcohol-related, maybe also I am starting to realise, depression-related) recovery journey. I'm looking forward to getting my first email and starting the project tomorrow. But in the meantime, I just had to leave this comment to say that what you have set out in this essay is so completely descriptive of everything that is going on for me right now (internally and within my life; the 'no longer ..but not yet') that I had to stop several times while reading it just to take some slow breaths and fully appreciate and internalise the hard-earned wisdom that you articulate and convey. I needed this so much today and already you have enabled me to think more clearly and positively (and dare I even say, curiously). Thank you.
Just wow
Also Megan thee Stallion’s mental health website is 🔥. These are the things that give me hope for the human race. It just made me love her more.
I cannot stop pondering the “It is all an elaborate hoax.” from Ebert.