first, lol. And second, yes. Yesterday my phone put together a montage called "Among the Trees" and it was just pictures of me in various wooded settings and to be free of the gaze and to also be almost completely unaware of real people wearing real fashion etc., it was wonderful. I also think what you said, "I think partly these markers of the passage of time cause me to reflect on time "wasted," although without all the pain and waste, I'm not sure if I'd appreciate what I have today?" is kind of the total point. I would not for a second have the depth to even recognize any of which I've said without what came before. It's just we glorify the wisdom mind, and still largely, tsk tsk the wisdom body like it's not doing what it is actual meant to do.
yesss. I understand. Which I feel is like in part the richness of it? Not the regret but like the thing that's underneath it; how do I actually live into this time, etc.
not me reading your writing the millisecond it arrives in my inbox … yes yes yes to all of this. I tried so long to look older to gain more acceptance in my professional as a lawyer, and why? So silly. The pain of lost time and regretted decisions is the dullest, unending pain.
I generally think people actually have no idea what a 30, 40, 50 or 60 year old woman looks like, who naturally ages. Mass media largely contains images of women who are frozen. It's all a bit same, same but different!
I saw an ad on Instagram the other day that was touting a 34-year-old (!) that had managed to not start using injectable fillers due to some skin-care/makeup that rendered them unnecessary so far. I was gobsmacked. I can't think of any 34 year old that would "need" fillers. I mean, no one needs them, but you know. All I could think was if I had seen that ad in my early/mid 20s, it would have triggered a subconscious bias in my brain that I should start getting injections as soon as I hit my 30s so that no one could tell my age. And everything on the social medias backs that up.
1. I love the poem “Weathering,” by Fleur Adcock; approaching age 48, I aspire to embody its essence. 2. I just gave myself a bruise trying to win gua sha.
I swear you somehow read my thoughts from afar & somehow put them into words that make sense. I’m a lot older than you but I’ve been having the same feelings about how did this happen. I’m old but I don’t know how I got here. Then I think why the hell did I waste so much time trying to be what I thought other people wanted when 1) I don’t really know what anyone wants & 2) I could have worried about what I want in this one fucking life I have. Hopefully I’ll live as long as my mother…she’s still alive, lol
There's a comment above about wasted but then last week, I wrote about how not a cent of it was a waste. All necessary, usable. When we're talking about earned wisdom, I wonder why it is we leave out the body.
Hey, I’m 75! Aging hits hard, especially for women, but I sure don’t want to be an old drunk. Yes sad that I wasted valuable time ditzing around, not even realizing I was supposed to be getting a life, but I did the best I could at the time.
For what it’s worth after I read about the yellow dress incident I jumped in my car and drove to Northampton (where all the young college women shop) and bought a yellow babydoll dress which I plan to wear on Friday with brown leggings (it works okay-ish) just BECAUSE. I am 67 in 7 days. Thank you. Every word you write resonates in some place in me that needs a voice.
Yes to all of this. I am 46 years old and just off the heels of spending three days At Bravocon, getting Covid from the Seattle to NYC, back to Seattle travel, and then watching 16 episodes of Love Island USA during my covid recovery. Note: There are 30 episodes but the legal limit should really be 16 plus the reunion special if you are of strong constitution. With all this said, I feel like i am now a voyeur into a life stage I’ve passed. I couldn’t believe the cute gal posses all dressed up with the intent to be out late and in THOSE shoes, no less! Then Id find myself chatting it up with some women who I thought were my peers, only to realize I have 20 years on them and learned to type on a typewriter, as they were born with the advent of the Blackberry. It’s daunting at times when I see myself in the mirror (especially after 15 episodes of LI USA) and go, Wow! Who’s that?! I was a girl and now I’m a lady. But sometimes when I have that “who is that?” moment in the mirror, I harken back to before the pandemic when that Aging app was going around. I remember taking a photo, uploading it to the app, (Which would later be revealed as a hacker database,) and and watching myself transformed into someone in their 70s. When I saw the picture, I actually smiled!! It was a grandma Nicole! She looked so peaceful and nice. Grandma Nicole definitely put on too much perfume, was not a cook, wore sequins to non sequins events, She talked too loud, too much, and too often. But she had sparkling eyes, looked content, and like she was done worrying about being judged by other people. I think I smiled because i know deep down, i was the least secure when i looked the most “capitalistically beautiful” and by the time this lady catches up to that one, I’ll be in an even better place with respect to NGAF. But also, this past year I think i spent $500 on anti aging products, which is only $300 more than my sequin spend Sooooo....baby steps?
For the first time in my life, yesterday I went to the store and did not buy the ingredients of a version of myself I imagine I am, the one that cooks, who I am not. I am somoene who wants to be a person who cooks, who buys things she doesn't use because she doesn't cook. I bought twenty frozen meals. I know that's not what you're saying, but in some way that's what I took from it. Maybe acceptance.
Yes and 100% yes. If its my turn to host something (and don’t get me started on how I loathe entertaining at my home) I now opt for brunch and just buy good pastries, pre cut fruit, pre sliced cheeses, and voila! Brunch! The only thing I “cook” comes out of my nespresso. Zero apologies. Some people make art(me) and some people buy art, some people write amazing books (you) and some people buy books, it needs to be the same for cooking... :)
I too am addicted to Honey Mama's. When my friend and I crossed the border back into the United States after almost a year of living in Mexico, I suggested we pick some up at Whole Foods. "I overdosed on it last year," she said, and we kept driving.
It's ridiculous and it's so stupidly expensive and so so good. I have a little square with my coffee and it somehow makes getting out of bed survivable
I’m a man in his late 40s. I’ve been clean and sober five years & 363 days, Friday marks six years. I have often tried to explain why, seeing my own face in the mirror, sometimes makes me cry. The combination of drugs and alcohol I was addicted to for more than 20 years have wipedso many of my memories —so much of that life that I lived. so when I see myself, it’s a combination of grief, gratitude, and a whole range of other feelings. I am fortunate that my partner finds my gray hairs charming. That I cheated death is great… but no one actually cheats death, and somehow the person staring back at me knows this & is counting wrinkles, scars, friends dead, or the money lost— while the one looking just can’t believe it.
The gratitude, grief and wonder is something so spectacular, subtle and ever more. I feel this whenever I take the time to really look deep into my own eyes in the mirror. Gobsmacked that I made it and so fucking sad for all the shit I put myself and others through.
This this this all of this. The liminal second puberty into menopause, the gray eyelashes (!), the body that looks like a mom even though I never birthed a child. Older people insist I’m young, and I don’t care to know what the younger people think. Who am I now? Who was I then?
I sometimes wonder what difference I would feel about it all if I had had a baby; like I wonder for those of us who didn't if there's a missing trigger to move to a different level, at least emotionally. No idea. Just a thought.
DID YOU INVADE MY SOUL?? You must have bc this is EXACTLY HOW I'VE BEEN FEELING LATELY. Only I'm 52, and not whatever younger-than-fuck age you are, sweetness, lol. I find myself crying a lot. And you know me, I am NOT A FUCKING CRIER!!! ALL OF A SUDDEN I'M OLD. How did that happen?! I look ancient and I fucking hate it. I'm getting a fasting blood test this Friday to see if I'm starting menopause and when it comes back with a big fat YES I'll probably cry some more and go buy some goddamn Ben & Jerry's.
I LOVE YOU. Call me sometime, boo. We can commiserate and laugh and cry and whatever the fuck else.
Love you, Pastor Peg.
I laughed reading the beginning of this. Esp the Ew David part. Loved that series. All I will say here is yes, mine is too.
first, lol. And second, yes. Yesterday my phone put together a montage called "Among the Trees" and it was just pictures of me in various wooded settings and to be free of the gaze and to also be almost completely unaware of real people wearing real fashion etc., it was wonderful. I also think what you said, "I think partly these markers of the passage of time cause me to reflect on time "wasted," although without all the pain and waste, I'm not sure if I'd appreciate what I have today?" is kind of the total point. I would not for a second have the depth to even recognize any of which I've said without what came before. It's just we glorify the wisdom mind, and still largely, tsk tsk the wisdom body like it's not doing what it is actual meant to do.
yesss. I understand. Which I feel is like in part the richness of it? Not the regret but like the thing that's underneath it; how do I actually live into this time, etc.
not me reading your writing the millisecond it arrives in my inbox … yes yes yes to all of this. I tried so long to look older to gain more acceptance in my professional as a lawyer, and why? So silly. The pain of lost time and regretted decisions is the dullest, unending pain.
<3 that first part made my morning. The second part, totally get.
I generally think people actually have no idea what a 30, 40, 50 or 60 year old woman looks like, who naturally ages. Mass media largely contains images of women who are frozen. It's all a bit same, same but different!
I think we have a completely distorted view. I know I do; like completely because of social media and media and filters, etc.
I saw an ad on Instagram the other day that was touting a 34-year-old (!) that had managed to not start using injectable fillers due to some skin-care/makeup that rendered them unnecessary so far. I was gobsmacked. I can't think of any 34 year old that would "need" fillers. I mean, no one needs them, but you know. All I could think was if I had seen that ad in my early/mid 20s, it would have triggered a subconscious bias in my brain that I should start getting injections as soon as I hit my 30s so that no one could tell my age. And everything on the social medias backs that up.
It's so alarming!
I love you so much, and admire so much your ability to put into words what is real for many of us. You radiant being, you. xxoo
I love you too in a wild unfathomable unnamable way.
1. I love the poem “Weathering,” by Fleur Adcock; approaching age 48, I aspire to embody its essence. 2. I just gave myself a bruise trying to win gua sha.
That’s such a great poem!!!
Yes! I remember it every few years or so...feels different and closer each time.
lol. thank you for the poem, and you cannot win gua sha.
Pretty sure if I just do it hard enough...
I swear you somehow read my thoughts from afar & somehow put them into words that make sense. I’m a lot older than you but I’ve been having the same feelings about how did this happen. I’m old but I don’t know how I got here. Then I think why the hell did I waste so much time trying to be what I thought other people wanted when 1) I don’t really know what anyone wants & 2) I could have worried about what I want in this one fucking life I have. Hopefully I’ll live as long as my mother…she’s still alive, lol
There's a comment above about wasted but then last week, I wrote about how not a cent of it was a waste. All necessary, usable. When we're talking about earned wisdom, I wonder why it is we leave out the body.
Oh wow, that really gives me something to ponder...my body's earned wisdom.
Hey, I’m 75! Aging hits hard, especially for women, but I sure don’t want to be an old drunk. Yes sad that I wasted valuable time ditzing around, not even realizing I was supposed to be getting a life, but I did the best I could at the time.
It does hit hard indeed. And I like the alternative we found, due only to the actual aging that happened. Ily
For what it’s worth after I read about the yellow dress incident I jumped in my car and drove to Northampton (where all the young college women shop) and bought a yellow babydoll dress which I plan to wear on Friday with brown leggings (it works okay-ish) just BECAUSE. I am 67 in 7 days. Thank you. Every word you write resonates in some place in me that needs a voice.
you know I love this.
Yes to all of this. I am 46 years old and just off the heels of spending three days At Bravocon, getting Covid from the Seattle to NYC, back to Seattle travel, and then watching 16 episodes of Love Island USA during my covid recovery. Note: There are 30 episodes but the legal limit should really be 16 plus the reunion special if you are of strong constitution. With all this said, I feel like i am now a voyeur into a life stage I’ve passed. I couldn’t believe the cute gal posses all dressed up with the intent to be out late and in THOSE shoes, no less! Then Id find myself chatting it up with some women who I thought were my peers, only to realize I have 20 years on them and learned to type on a typewriter, as they were born with the advent of the Blackberry. It’s daunting at times when I see myself in the mirror (especially after 15 episodes of LI USA) and go, Wow! Who’s that?! I was a girl and now I’m a lady. But sometimes when I have that “who is that?” moment in the mirror, I harken back to before the pandemic when that Aging app was going around. I remember taking a photo, uploading it to the app, (Which would later be revealed as a hacker database,) and and watching myself transformed into someone in their 70s. When I saw the picture, I actually smiled!! It was a grandma Nicole! She looked so peaceful and nice. Grandma Nicole definitely put on too much perfume, was not a cook, wore sequins to non sequins events, She talked too loud, too much, and too often. But she had sparkling eyes, looked content, and like she was done worrying about being judged by other people. I think I smiled because i know deep down, i was the least secure when i looked the most “capitalistically beautiful” and by the time this lady catches up to that one, I’ll be in an even better place with respect to NGAF. But also, this past year I think i spent $500 on anti aging products, which is only $300 more than my sequin spend Sooooo....baby steps?
Also- i like threads!
Yes!
For the first time in my life, yesterday I went to the store and did not buy the ingredients of a version of myself I imagine I am, the one that cooks, who I am not. I am somoene who wants to be a person who cooks, who buys things she doesn't use because she doesn't cook. I bought twenty frozen meals. I know that's not what you're saying, but in some way that's what I took from it. Maybe acceptance.
Yes and 100% yes. If its my turn to host something (and don’t get me started on how I loathe entertaining at my home) I now opt for brunch and just buy good pastries, pre cut fruit, pre sliced cheeses, and voila! Brunch! The only thing I “cook” comes out of my nespresso. Zero apologies. Some people make art(me) and some people buy art, some people write amazing books (you) and some people buy books, it needs to be the same for cooking... :)
I too am addicted to Honey Mama's. When my friend and I crossed the border back into the United States after almost a year of living in Mexico, I suggested we pick some up at Whole Foods. "I overdosed on it last year," she said, and we kept driving.
It's ridiculous and it's so stupidly expensive and so so good. I have a little square with my coffee and it somehow makes getting out of bed survivable
I’m a man in his late 40s. I’ve been clean and sober five years & 363 days, Friday marks six years. I have often tried to explain why, seeing my own face in the mirror, sometimes makes me cry. The combination of drugs and alcohol I was addicted to for more than 20 years have wipedso many of my memories —so much of that life that I lived. so when I see myself, it’s a combination of grief, gratitude, and a whole range of other feelings. I am fortunate that my partner finds my gray hairs charming. That I cheated death is great… but no one actually cheats death, and somehow the person staring back at me knows this & is counting wrinkles, scars, friends dead, or the money lost— while the one looking just can’t believe it.
The gratitude, grief and wonder is something so spectacular, subtle and ever more. I feel this whenever I take the time to really look deep into my own eyes in the mirror. Gobsmacked that I made it and so fucking sad for all the shit I put myself and others through.
I understand this so much. Holding all that complexity right along with you.
I love you. ❤️
i love you.
❤️
This this this all of this. The liminal second puberty into menopause, the gray eyelashes (!), the body that looks like a mom even though I never birthed a child. Older people insist I’m young, and I don’t care to know what the younger people think. Who am I now? Who was I then?
I sometimes wonder what difference I would feel about it all if I had had a baby; like I wonder for those of us who didn't if there's a missing trigger to move to a different level, at least emotionally. No idea. Just a thought.
DID YOU INVADE MY SOUL?? You must have bc this is EXACTLY HOW I'VE BEEN FEELING LATELY. Only I'm 52, and not whatever younger-than-fuck age you are, sweetness, lol. I find myself crying a lot. And you know me, I am NOT A FUCKING CRIER!!! ALL OF A SUDDEN I'M OLD. How did that happen?! I look ancient and I fucking hate it. I'm getting a fasting blood test this Friday to see if I'm starting menopause and when it comes back with a big fat YES I'll probably cry some more and go buy some goddamn Ben & Jerry's.
I LOVE YOU. Call me sometime, boo. We can commiserate and laugh and cry and whatever the fuck else.
KISSES AND HUGS, MY HOLLYBEAR! ❤❤❤
I’m serious. Call me 🥰
I love you with my whole heart, dearest ❤️💕❤️