58 Comments

wait wait.... so the Nietzsche quote .. you wish hardship on your friends so that they will be stronger? Like when you talk about sitting in the fire - cause that burning is where you are made?

That sort of thing?

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Holly - always speaking to my heart. This piece about this being IT. The work you don’t realize you have already done or doing, until you glance back. I so agree. The work it took me to get here on this leg of my sobriety journey was so long and arduous. It took so many twists and turns in the road it could make someone car sick!!! Not only the sobriety but all tied up in the forgiving of myself for my two divorces, the pain and hurt. I can now start to recognize the work I have done with self-forgiveness on all fronts. Anyway so much I resonate with. Thanks dear Holly 💜🦋

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Nov 17, 2022Liked by Holly Whitaker

Ughhh not me listening to this right after a mini spiral checking out the people a certain person follows on IG. Holly. Always hitting it where we need it.

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Just thank you, Holly. I need this so much right now. And I've been listening to Quitted all week, which really helps too. Sending blessings from my version of "in it" to yours.

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I am crying! I have been in this space for a minute ... I hit my 7mo alcohol/nicotine-free November 15, and chaotic and messy dance into therapy, a big move, a new relationship, new job, another job offer, one month to go until what I believed to be my 2nd to last term to complete my AA (Associates degree, though great joke on the letters there, ha) which has been in process since 2002... but then got an email today during my Psych class Zoom meeting from my advisor saying "oops, I messed up, you have two more classes you have to take AFTER Winter term (Jan-April) ...

I list all of this because it's REALLY easy to gloss over the fact that I'm one of those who makes huge changes, undergoes massive sweeps of retrofitting my life and personality when I isolate that changes need to be made, throwing myself in with Herculean effort (or abandon, I'm not sure which) -- and it can REALLY EASILY FEEL like a big f-ing mess. Days go by where I was dysregulated and activated and go nothing done, weeks punctuated by "existing," but then threaded with great triumphs and moments of pride or "good job kid," to myself... a momentary pat on the back.

The WAY you described IT, the work, the thing we're all doing... it was perfect and beautiful. I felt seen and held and I cried. Your column/writings do so much. I'm really glad you're here and that you share. Thanks a lot.

xxoo,

Sare

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Dear Holly yes that to and from of good/bad, right/wrong is horrific for a soul already hurt by events and people. The worst times in my life actually have come down to long periods of indecision between a choice that's best for me and one which reeks of the shoulds with potential consequences with people or things important to me. Ie loss As soon as I made a firm choice for myself, all of the suffering fell away, still emotions but nothing like the intensity of the flip flop. Sometimes we are not even aware that we have choices if we have been bullied or abused as kids but as adults we have to learn that we do and that life is supposed to feel good. Much love from New Zealand and wishes for your peace. Yinchi Moon

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Nov 18, 2022Liked by Holly Whitaker

This is brilliant. The mess, the shame ,the feeling that one has no clue what the hell is going on, when in reality this is the journey and the healing.

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Nov 18, 2022Liked by Holly Whitaker

🙏❤️👊

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Nov 18, 2022Liked by Holly Whitaker

Thank you Holly. I always get excited about your gold nuggets.

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Yes! The times of greatest struggle have been/are when the shifts happen but I can only see this in retrospect. Struggle still feels like struggle and I rail against and sulk over it. George Saunders’ is my other favourite Substack and Lincoln in the Bardo is wonderful- hard recommend!

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Nov 18, 2022Liked by Holly Whitaker

I love waiting for your writing. I know it’s coming. And then it pops up. And it’s right on it! And I love you for it. And all the comments here. In this moment I can really feel my self care even in my recent messy and tatty recovery journey. You bet I’m doing it. And I’m the winner here. Stronger through your clever words. Hell Holly, if only you could know what you have brought to our lives. So much gratitude.

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Nov 18, 2022Liked by Holly Whitaker

Thanks Holly. Im a month away from being three years alcohol free and this totally resonated with me. Just when I thought i had my footing as a sober gal who is “ok” being around drunk folks, last weekend I attended what was supposed to be a small scale gathering but turned quickly into 40 somethings, binge drinking. I left early and Im definitely NQTD, as I have no desire to drink but i hate, loathe, hate the loneliness of being the only one with a functioning hippocampus. So yes, I’m in it. I thought i was out of it, but im still in it. This is what it looks like for me to live a mindful life. This is what comes with it and this is my slog thru the things that will get me to the woman who will someday tell newly sober people, yeah, that part sucks, and you’re doing it, and keep going.

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I woke up and this was at the top of my inbox. Seeing that title was like an affirmation from a voice deep inside me somewhere. At the same time someone had sent me a video about something similar. Wtf this is weird but I'm here for it! Thank you Holly for saying the things I didn't know were sayable. This is it :)

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Nov 18, 2022Liked by Holly Whitaker

I love This essay. It’s right where I’m at. It helped me ❤️ Thank you 👏

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Nov 18, 2022Liked by Holly Whitaker

This message is right on time as it always is from you 💕. Love the voice note format too 🙂.

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Nov 18, 2022Liked by Holly Whitaker

Holy cow - spot on for me at this very moment. I'm so grateful to you for sharing your suffering and thereby making everyone else's more manageable. What a gift.

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