Thanks Holly. Im a month away from being three years alcohol free and this totally resonated with me. Just when I thought i had my footing as a sober gal who is “ok” being around drunk folks, last weekend I attended what was supposed to be a small scale gathering but turned quickly into 40 somethings, binge drinking. I left early and Im definitely NQTD, as I have no desire to drink but i hate, loathe, hate the loneliness of being the only one with a functioning hippocampus. So yes, I’m in it. I thought i was out of it, but im still in it. This is what it looks like for me to live a mindful life. This is what comes with it and this is my slog thru the things that will get me to the woman who will someday tell newly sober people, yeah, that part sucks, and you’re doing it, and keep going.
Nicole. I get this so much. What I will say is that what I see here in this is a phenomenal amount of awareness. I remember this one time I went through something that felt just awful and regressive and my therapist said something like "oh that's just you being able to witness something you couldn't see before." I don't know if I'm making sense but, happy almost three years. A queen.
A teary Monday thank you. Your words are always such a salve, whether its in a podcast interviews, QLAW, or here, generously seeing us and relating to where we are. Thank you. Your reply came to me as i got up from my meditation pillow asking the universe why I am again bothered by this issue/fear/worry despite all the zen/meditation/yoga/therapy. The topic of “drunk people dread” (is this trademarked?) came up again this weekend as I am anticipating an upcoming event with the same heavy drinking players who are connected to my partner. I haven’t considered that awareness is the culprit. It makes sense though. It’s like that eye exam thing where they show all the super gradual differences - this or this- this or this - this or this- and just when you wonder if you got any “right” the doctor says, - here is what your eyes see with no prescription and here is what they see WITH your prescription. Im revisiting the blur when I’ve grown accustomed to the crisp and it’s uncomfortable. Thank you so much for this positive perspective, and as always, thank you for taking the time to respond back. You are my queen and favorite sober gal, evah.
Holly - always speaking to my heart. This piece about this being IT. The work you don’t realize you have already done or doing, until you glance back. I so agree. The work it took me to get here on this leg of my sobriety journey was so long and arduous. It took so many twists and turns in the road it could make someone car sick!!! Not only the sobriety but all tied up in the forgiving of myself for my two divorces, the pain and hurt. I can now start to recognize the work I have done with self-forgiveness on all fronts. Anyway so much I resonate with. Thanks dear Holly 💜🦋
I am crying! I have been in this space for a minute ... I hit my 7mo alcohol/nicotine-free November 15, and chaotic and messy dance into therapy, a big move, a new relationship, new job, another job offer, one month to go until what I believed to be my 2nd to last term to complete my AA (Associates degree, though great joke on the letters there, ha) which has been in process since 2002... but then got an email today during my Psych class Zoom meeting from my advisor saying "oops, I messed up, you have two more classes you have to take AFTER Winter term (Jan-April) ...
I list all of this because it's REALLY easy to gloss over the fact that I'm one of those who makes huge changes, undergoes massive sweeps of retrofitting my life and personality when I isolate that changes need to be made, throwing myself in with Herculean effort (or abandon, I'm not sure which) -- and it can REALLY EASILY FEEL like a big f-ing mess. Days go by where I was dysregulated and activated and go nothing done, weeks punctuated by "existing," but then threaded with great triumphs and moments of pride or "good job kid," to myself... a momentary pat on the back.
The WAY you described IT, the work, the thing we're all doing... it was perfect and beautiful. I felt seen and held and I cried. Your column/writings do so much. I'm really glad you're here and that you share. Thanks a lot.
Oof this hit--> 1000xyes. "I list all of this because it's REALLY easy to gloss over the fact that I'm one of those who makes huge changes, undergoes massive sweeps of retrofitting my life and personality when I isolate that changes need to be made, throwing myself in with Herculean effort (or abandon, I'm not sure which) -- and it can REALLY EASILY FEEL like a big f-ing mess"
Yes! The times of greatest struggle have been/are when the shifts happen but I can only see this in retrospect. Struggle still feels like struggle and I rail against and sulk over it. George Saunders’ is my other favourite Substack and Lincoln in the Bardo is wonderful- hard recommend!
Dear Holly yes that to and from of good/bad, right/wrong is horrific for a soul already hurt by events and people. The worst times in my life actually have come down to long periods of indecision between a choice that's best for me and one which reeks of the shoulds with potential consequences with people or things important to me. Ie loss As soon as I made a firm choice for myself, all of the suffering fell away, still emotions but nothing like the intensity of the flip flop. Sometimes we are not even aware that we have choices if we have been bullied or abused as kids but as adults we have to learn that we do and that life is supposed to feel good. Much love from New Zealand and wishes for your peace. Yinchi Moon
Just thank you, Holly. I need this so much right now. And I've been listening to Quitted all week, which really helps too. Sending blessings from my version of "in it" to yours.
Ughhh not me listening to this right after a mini spiral checking out the people a certain person follows on IG. Holly. Always hitting it where we need it.
Oh, Holly. To me, this is one of the best things you've ever written. The "You are doing it..." paragraph brought tears to my eyes, especially this line: "When it’s objective or far enough away for you to see the symphony of it all, the way it couldn’t have happened any other way than it did." I'm sorry for everything you've been through in the past four years, but I'm selfishly grateful that you have this insight and are sharing it with your readers.
On Monday, it will have been year a since I went no-contact with my biological family, the one year anniversary of the removal of a cancer. I grieve that I spent my 20s and early 30s wasted, trying to anesthetize the pain of the lies I was taught about myself, of trying to make myself small enough to fit into a toxic, verbally abusive family. In the past year, I have felt feral from grief and rage now that I'm sober and able to see it all clearly. I feel like I have a 34 year delayed start on life, on love, on my finances, on the milestones I should have hit during the years I thought that stability and intimacy were dangerous.
This beautiful essay helps me make sense of this strange, painful period of transition. Your words give me motivation to offer myself some grace. Thank you. I cannot sufficiently convey how meaningful this edition of your newsletter was to me. I'm keeping it starred in my inbox indefinitely for easy referencing.
Liz, honoring the decisions you've made, the suffering you've endured, your perfect unfolding. Thanks for sharing this. Sending you lots of love and tenderness today as year makes its mark.
Holy cow - spot on for me at this very moment. I'm so grateful to you for sharing your suffering and thereby making everyone else's more manageable. What a gift.
I woke up and this was at the top of my inbox. Seeing that title was like an affirmation from a voice deep inside me somewhere. At the same time someone had sent me a video about something similar. Wtf this is weird but I'm here for it! Thank you Holly for saying the things I didn't know were sayable. This is it :)
I love waiting for your writing. I know it’s coming. And then it pops up. And it’s right on it! And I love you for it. And all the comments here. In this moment I can really feel my self care even in my recent messy and tatty recovery journey. You bet I’m doing it. And I’m the winner here. Stronger through your clever words. Hell Holly, if only you could know what you have brought to our lives. So much gratitude.
This is brilliant. The mess, the shame ,the feeling that one has no clue what the hell is going on, when in reality this is the journey and the healing.
Thanks Holly. Im a month away from being three years alcohol free and this totally resonated with me. Just when I thought i had my footing as a sober gal who is “ok” being around drunk folks, last weekend I attended what was supposed to be a small scale gathering but turned quickly into 40 somethings, binge drinking. I left early and Im definitely NQTD, as I have no desire to drink but i hate, loathe, hate the loneliness of being the only one with a functioning hippocampus. So yes, I’m in it. I thought i was out of it, but im still in it. This is what it looks like for me to live a mindful life. This is what comes with it and this is my slog thru the things that will get me to the woman who will someday tell newly sober people, yeah, that part sucks, and you’re doing it, and keep going.
Nicole. I get this so much. What I will say is that what I see here in this is a phenomenal amount of awareness. I remember this one time I went through something that felt just awful and regressive and my therapist said something like "oh that's just you being able to witness something you couldn't see before." I don't know if I'm making sense but, happy almost three years. A queen.
A teary Monday thank you. Your words are always such a salve, whether its in a podcast interviews, QLAW, or here, generously seeing us and relating to where we are. Thank you. Your reply came to me as i got up from my meditation pillow asking the universe why I am again bothered by this issue/fear/worry despite all the zen/meditation/yoga/therapy. The topic of “drunk people dread” (is this trademarked?) came up again this weekend as I am anticipating an upcoming event with the same heavy drinking players who are connected to my partner. I haven’t considered that awareness is the culprit. It makes sense though. It’s like that eye exam thing where they show all the super gradual differences - this or this- this or this - this or this- and just when you wonder if you got any “right” the doctor says, - here is what your eyes see with no prescription and here is what they see WITH your prescription. Im revisiting the blur when I’ve grown accustomed to the crisp and it’s uncomfortable. Thank you so much for this positive perspective, and as always, thank you for taking the time to respond back. You are my queen and favorite sober gal, evah.
Holly - always speaking to my heart. This piece about this being IT. The work you don’t realize you have already done or doing, until you glance back. I so agree. The work it took me to get here on this leg of my sobriety journey was so long and arduous. It took so many twists and turns in the road it could make someone car sick!!! Not only the sobriety but all tied up in the forgiving of myself for my two divorces, the pain and hurt. I can now start to recognize the work I have done with self-forgiveness on all fronts. Anyway so much I resonate with. Thanks dear Holly 💜🦋
This <3
I am crying! I have been in this space for a minute ... I hit my 7mo alcohol/nicotine-free November 15, and chaotic and messy dance into therapy, a big move, a new relationship, new job, another job offer, one month to go until what I believed to be my 2nd to last term to complete my AA (Associates degree, though great joke on the letters there, ha) which has been in process since 2002... but then got an email today during my Psych class Zoom meeting from my advisor saying "oops, I messed up, you have two more classes you have to take AFTER Winter term (Jan-April) ...
I list all of this because it's REALLY easy to gloss over the fact that I'm one of those who makes huge changes, undergoes massive sweeps of retrofitting my life and personality when I isolate that changes need to be made, throwing myself in with Herculean effort (or abandon, I'm not sure which) -- and it can REALLY EASILY FEEL like a big f-ing mess. Days go by where I was dysregulated and activated and go nothing done, weeks punctuated by "existing," but then threaded with great triumphs and moments of pride or "good job kid," to myself... a momentary pat on the back.
The WAY you described IT, the work, the thing we're all doing... it was perfect and beautiful. I felt seen and held and I cried. Your column/writings do so much. I'm really glad you're here and that you share. Thanks a lot.
xxoo,
Sare
Oof this hit--> 1000xyes. "I list all of this because it's REALLY easy to gloss over the fact that I'm one of those who makes huge changes, undergoes massive sweeps of retrofitting my life and personality when I isolate that changes need to be made, throwing myself in with Herculean effort (or abandon, I'm not sure which) -- and it can REALLY EASILY FEEL like a big f-ing mess"
Yes! The times of greatest struggle have been/are when the shifts happen but I can only see this in retrospect. Struggle still feels like struggle and I rail against and sulk over it. George Saunders’ is my other favourite Substack and Lincoln in the Bardo is wonderful- hard recommend!
I had a friend explain for ten minutes the other night why LitB is brilliant lol. Thanks Kate <3
George Saunders for The WIN 2.0!!! (Bc Holly gets The Original Win)
Dear Holly yes that to and from of good/bad, right/wrong is horrific for a soul already hurt by events and people. The worst times in my life actually have come down to long periods of indecision between a choice that's best for me and one which reeks of the shoulds with potential consequences with people or things important to me. Ie loss As soon as I made a firm choice for myself, all of the suffering fell away, still emotions but nothing like the intensity of the flip flop. Sometimes we are not even aware that we have choices if we have been bullied or abused as kids but as adults we have to learn that we do and that life is supposed to feel good. Much love from New Zealand and wishes for your peace. Yinchi Moon
Thank you for this Yinchi. Much love right back.
Just thank you, Holly. I need this so much right now. And I've been listening to Quitted all week, which really helps too. Sending blessings from my version of "in it" to yours.
all the blessings sent right back to you. Also I miss Quitted! <3
It's the podcast niche I didn't know I needed!! So good!
Ughhh not me listening to this right after a mini spiral checking out the people a certain person follows on IG. Holly. Always hitting it where we need it.
lol 😭
Oh, Holly. To me, this is one of the best things you've ever written. The "You are doing it..." paragraph brought tears to my eyes, especially this line: "When it’s objective or far enough away for you to see the symphony of it all, the way it couldn’t have happened any other way than it did." I'm sorry for everything you've been through in the past four years, but I'm selfishly grateful that you have this insight and are sharing it with your readers.
On Monday, it will have been year a since I went no-contact with my biological family, the one year anniversary of the removal of a cancer. I grieve that I spent my 20s and early 30s wasted, trying to anesthetize the pain of the lies I was taught about myself, of trying to make myself small enough to fit into a toxic, verbally abusive family. In the past year, I have felt feral from grief and rage now that I'm sober and able to see it all clearly. I feel like I have a 34 year delayed start on life, on love, on my finances, on the milestones I should have hit during the years I thought that stability and intimacy were dangerous.
This beautiful essay helps me make sense of this strange, painful period of transition. Your words give me motivation to offer myself some grace. Thank you. I cannot sufficiently convey how meaningful this edition of your newsletter was to me. I'm keeping it starred in my inbox indefinitely for easy referencing.
Liz, honoring the decisions you've made, the suffering you've endured, your perfect unfolding. Thanks for sharing this. Sending you lots of love and tenderness today as year makes its mark.
Holly, it meant so much to me that you posted this comment yesterday. Thank you, and thank you for this beautiful sentiment.
Holy cow - spot on for me at this very moment. I'm so grateful to you for sharing your suffering and thereby making everyone else's more manageable. What a gift.
<3
I woke up and this was at the top of my inbox. Seeing that title was like an affirmation from a voice deep inside me somewhere. At the same time someone had sent me a video about something similar. Wtf this is weird but I'm here for it! Thank you Holly for saying the things I didn't know were sayable. This is it :)
I LOVE it when that stuff happens. I always see it as confirmation. Thanks Salomé <3
I love waiting for your writing. I know it’s coming. And then it pops up. And it’s right on it! And I love you for it. And all the comments here. In this moment I can really feel my self care even in my recent messy and tatty recovery journey. You bet I’m doing it. And I’m the winner here. Stronger through your clever words. Hell Holly, if only you could know what you have brought to our lives. So much gratitude.
Mark. Hand on my heart as I read this. Received. Thank you.
This is brilliant. The mess, the shame ,the feeling that one has no clue what the hell is going on, when in reality this is the journey and the healing.
So beautifully said...
<3
Thank you Holly. I always get excited about your gold nuggets.
🙏❤️👊
This is a beautiful (and soothing) read... thank you...
<3
This message is right on time as it always is from you 💕. Love the voice note format too 🙂.