This week I turned 43, a full decade between the age I was when I first started to try and get sober. The weekend I turned 33—the “Jesus Year” as some call it and by some I mean me—I was so fucked up. I was the walking dead, and as some kind of hail mary to fix that brokenness I booked a weekend at Esalen to learn how to meditate. I almost didn't go, almost stayed in bed and passed my birthday alone with a lot of weed and alcohol and 30 Rock, but then at the last minute, perhaps only out of fear that the following Monday There Would Be Questions and I'd have to lie and that would make me hate myself, I peeled myself out of bed and packed a bag and rented a car.
I thought of your newsletter from last week yesterday because I made a *silly* TikTok defending Olivia Wilde against the online hordes who same to hate her because....they love Harry Styles? And then someone commented "just admit you like a racist, homophobic, rapist defender and move on." I have no clue what they're talking about. I immediately deleted the app. It seemed hyper-sensitive, but at the same time....I was thinking about cherishing myself, and why I would ever choose to spend time in a reactive, superficial space where I cannot be whole and people will think I am someone who likes a racist, homophobic, rapist defender (which, btw, I really don't think she is, even after reading the old interviews she's apologized for).
And part of it connects to this post too. The world has been leveled. It's exhausting and fruitless to engage "as if," as if any of this matters. I saw somewhere that people writing in their diaries before the Soviet Union collapsed described an odd sense of unreality--nothing felt quite real, or right. I feel that way now, looking at Jen Psaki telling us to go drink margs as voting rights are stripped away. It literally makes me dissociative--so I think about what makes me feel like I'm real, like I'm actually *here*.
It's what James Carse said: “There are at least two kinds of games...One could be called finite; the other infinite. A finite game is played for the purpose of winning, an infinite game for the purpose of continuing the play.”
We're in the infinite game now. I am no longer really interested in winning, I don't even know what that means--but I'm not opting out of life, of this great infinite, unspooling story we are plopped into at this moment. I'm here for it, though I'm not quite sure what any of it means.
Anyway--long--sorry. As usual, thank you for your letter and I am SO excited about your podcast!
Jan 23, 2022·edited Jan 23, 2022Liked by Holly Whitaker
Leave it to you to perfectly articulate what has been rumbling around in me lately. You just GET it and are able to put the thoughts out there and it all starts to make some kind of sense. Thank you! ❤️
I've been thinking that I'm having more of these rifts where I see the world for what it is and the artifice seems so cheap and pointless. Maybe obviously the first year of the pandemic made it so obvious as so many people around me were (mostly pointlessly) suffering because we didn't have the leadership to help people eat and keep their homes. And once in a while before that I would have that shock when looking at the insanity of "affordable housing" in NYC where six-figure incomes are one of the categories.
I had it again last night reading about Ukraine, having recently read some of Thich Nhat Hanh's writings and poetry from the 60s when he was advising MLK about Vietnam. Feeling like Will in Stranger Things, everything fell away leaving this bleak hellscape and I started yelling to my partner "why are people still getting ready for hand-to-hand combat and getting the bombs prepped over this shit? When do we get past war?" Or wondering if I just say fuck it and drop everything and figure out how to get a law degree and move to a state where they've gutted voting rights.
I love what you wrote. It's a trope or cliche or whatever, but I do think as we get older, the tendency to say "fuck it" and just be rather than chasing a trend gets easier. I say this as a cis/het male, so it's a lot easier for me I think, but I do find it's a lot easier for me to find how I'm good at helping others and focus on that a lot more when I wear the same outfit every day.
I work at an accounting firm and if you can ever imagine a situation where the actual state of the world is just completely ignored it's a bunch of CPA types scrambling to get clients taxes done on time. Death and taxes and all that. I have one coworker with whom I gut-check every day. "This is crazy right? Like this is fucking crazy that we are talking about which states are allowing the PTE credit for hours on end??? Is this real life?" It's draining the life out of me, but I'm 28 days sober today and I'm trying to convince myself that at least THAT matters. Anyway, this letter is so fucking good.
"The Book of Joy" put things in perspective, finished it this weekend. Listening to "After" Bruce Greyson as of late. I cannot wait for your podcast. You & Emily will help so many of us! Happy Belated Bday. I love you! 💙
It is so good have you back. Thank you for writing and I cannot wait for the new podcast. I heard you mention somewhere - that Cal Newport's work was an influence on you. His deep work model and living a value based life is dull in a sense but it is what people did before this social media/ High information society we are now in. I would love to hear more on his work from your perspective.
Happy Birthday Holly!!!! I cant believe you're only 43. I always forget what a baby you are- probably because you're so wise- as evidenced by this post.
I’ve decided to wallpaper my bedroom and I am literally waking up in the middle of the night thinking how will I explain (and to whom???) that as the world was ending I was picking out wallpaper? I don’t know what to do… I have kids and a family who depend on me so it’s not like I can drop everything and entirely devote my life to saving the planet right? I put this quote on my phone so it pops up on my screen when my alarm goes off in the am- “Maybe working on the little things as dutifully and honestly as we can is how we stay sane when the world is falling apart.” So I do the laundry and sort the socks and make lunches and floss and stay away from the things that aren’t good for me.
Jan 25, 2022·edited Jan 25, 2022Liked by Holly Whitaker
God, I loved this. I laughed and cackled through the whole first half of your letter - I must be like you. (Wouldn't have it any other way!). The line "I see ghosts everywhere" brought me to my metaphorical knees... honestly, I believe, like I think you're saying, that it's already over. It's already gone too far - covid, climate change, dictators destroying - and yes, I see ghosts everywhere, while everyone else tries desperately to pretend it's ok and move on. It's a lonely place to be, and through the second half of your letter, I just said, "yes, yes", over and over. Gawd, just keep writing, please. Knowing I'm not the only one who sees ghosts: balm for my soul, and my sanity. I just loved this.
I thought of your newsletter from last week yesterday because I made a *silly* TikTok defending Olivia Wilde against the online hordes who same to hate her because....they love Harry Styles? And then someone commented "just admit you like a racist, homophobic, rapist defender and move on." I have no clue what they're talking about. I immediately deleted the app. It seemed hyper-sensitive, but at the same time....I was thinking about cherishing myself, and why I would ever choose to spend time in a reactive, superficial space where I cannot be whole and people will think I am someone who likes a racist, homophobic, rapist defender (which, btw, I really don't think she is, even after reading the old interviews she's apologized for).
And part of it connects to this post too. The world has been leveled. It's exhausting and fruitless to engage "as if," as if any of this matters. I saw somewhere that people writing in their diaries before the Soviet Union collapsed described an odd sense of unreality--nothing felt quite real, or right. I feel that way now, looking at Jen Psaki telling us to go drink margs as voting rights are stripped away. It literally makes me dissociative--so I think about what makes me feel like I'm real, like I'm actually *here*.
It's what James Carse said: “There are at least two kinds of games...One could be called finite; the other infinite. A finite game is played for the purpose of winning, an infinite game for the purpose of continuing the play.”
We're in the infinite game now. I am no longer really interested in winning, I don't even know what that means--but I'm not opting out of life, of this great infinite, unspooling story we are plopped into at this moment. I'm here for it, though I'm not quite sure what any of it means.
Anyway--long--sorry. As usual, thank you for your letter and I am SO excited about your podcast!
Leave it to you to perfectly articulate what has been rumbling around in me lately. You just GET it and are able to put the thoughts out there and it all starts to make some kind of sense. Thank you! ❤️
I've been thinking that I'm having more of these rifts where I see the world for what it is and the artifice seems so cheap and pointless. Maybe obviously the first year of the pandemic made it so obvious as so many people around me were (mostly pointlessly) suffering because we didn't have the leadership to help people eat and keep their homes. And once in a while before that I would have that shock when looking at the insanity of "affordable housing" in NYC where six-figure incomes are one of the categories.
I had it again last night reading about Ukraine, having recently read some of Thich Nhat Hanh's writings and poetry from the 60s when he was advising MLK about Vietnam. Feeling like Will in Stranger Things, everything fell away leaving this bleak hellscape and I started yelling to my partner "why are people still getting ready for hand-to-hand combat and getting the bombs prepped over this shit? When do we get past war?" Or wondering if I just say fuck it and drop everything and figure out how to get a law degree and move to a state where they've gutted voting rights.
I love what you wrote. It's a trope or cliche or whatever, but I do think as we get older, the tendency to say "fuck it" and just be rather than chasing a trend gets easier. I say this as a cis/het male, so it's a lot easier for me I think, but I do find it's a lot easier for me to find how I'm good at helping others and focus on that a lot more when I wear the same outfit every day.
Thank you!
I work at an accounting firm and if you can ever imagine a situation where the actual state of the world is just completely ignored it's a bunch of CPA types scrambling to get clients taxes done on time. Death and taxes and all that. I have one coworker with whom I gut-check every day. "This is crazy right? Like this is fucking crazy that we are talking about which states are allowing the PTE credit for hours on end??? Is this real life?" It's draining the life out of me, but I'm 28 days sober today and I'm trying to convince myself that at least THAT matters. Anyway, this letter is so fucking good.
"The Book of Joy" put things in perspective, finished it this weekend. Listening to "After" Bruce Greyson as of late. I cannot wait for your podcast. You & Emily will help so many of us! Happy Belated Bday. I love you! 💙
It is so good have you back. Thank you for writing and I cannot wait for the new podcast. I heard you mention somewhere - that Cal Newport's work was an influence on you. His deep work model and living a value based life is dull in a sense but it is what people did before this social media/ High information society we are now in. I would love to hear more on his work from your perspective.
Happy Birthday Holly!!!! I cant believe you're only 43. I always forget what a baby you are- probably because you're so wise- as evidenced by this post.
I’ve decided to wallpaper my bedroom and I am literally waking up in the middle of the night thinking how will I explain (and to whom???) that as the world was ending I was picking out wallpaper? I don’t know what to do… I have kids and a family who depend on me so it’s not like I can drop everything and entirely devote my life to saving the planet right? I put this quote on my phone so it pops up on my screen when my alarm goes off in the am- “Maybe working on the little things as dutifully and honestly as we can is how we stay sane when the world is falling apart.” So I do the laundry and sort the socks and make lunches and floss and stay away from the things that aren’t good for me.
All of which is to say, I HEAR YOU. xo
God, I loved this. I laughed and cackled through the whole first half of your letter - I must be like you. (Wouldn't have it any other way!). The line "I see ghosts everywhere" brought me to my metaphorical knees... honestly, I believe, like I think you're saying, that it's already over. It's already gone too far - covid, climate change, dictators destroying - and yes, I see ghosts everywhere, while everyone else tries desperately to pretend it's ok and move on. It's a lonely place to be, and through the second half of your letter, I just said, "yes, yes", over and over. Gawd, just keep writing, please. Knowing I'm not the only one who sees ghosts: balm for my soul, and my sanity. I just loved this.
Definitely resonates (happy birthday). What’s your take on pure escapism?
BRILLIANT, and one year later, just as pertinent.👊👌🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾and the butthair into eyebrows 😂
Thank you!