In 2016, in a real dick move, a friend bought me a book for my birthday called Almost Famous Women about women who had almost done great things but totally crashed and burned right before their Moment. She told me the stories in it reminded her of me.
My God you are amazing at describing the entire process that we all at some point must follow in our own unique way. I just love your writing about your inner world, it's frank, intense and incredibly tender...and such a lamp for those who follow ...not the distant advice from those who pretend to have it all together...no this is what people in those trenches can read and recognize their own suffering and maybe cease the self lashing a bit earlier ...pioneer mammoth tracks in the snow for the tribe. I salute you.
I’m laying in bed. So tired. A single mom. No end in sight to carrying boulder after boulder up hill. Thank you for giving me a soft place to land. Because with all of the muscles I’m building they don’t show no one sees. There’s nothing grand here. But I will try to take care of the me who is carrying.
I feel so seen. Thank you for putting this process into words. Life has been so hard and heavy. 2022 was so devastating and gorgeous all at the same time for me—some very painful moments in my professional life which is where I put so much of my self-esteem. I have been working with an incredible therapist and a light bulb went on in my head the other day about what she has been trying to get me to see. I am trying so hard to find myself and untangle it from this idea that I need to build this amazing business to feel I am okay, despite knowing all the chaos that my drive can wreck on my personal life. At home, things have been so hard with my daughter struggling with OCD and anxiety. Last night she texted she was going on a walk, and I asked if I could come. I dropped everything at work, something I would never have considered before. And then on the walk with her, so much clarity happened. I heard a man swearing loudly at someone and my whole body froze. I went back, against her protests, and yelled out asking if everyone is okay and if I needed to call the police.
I grew up amidst DV and the trigger was instantaneous. But it was her reaction, the anxiety caused by my anxiety. I saw the generational trauma so clearly on the sidewalk that I just cried. I saw it all flashing before my eyes, my entire life of scratching to be released from what I was born into. The bulimia, the clamoring for perfection, the striving to be told I am good enough, the drinking, and the deliverance into sobriety where you have to face it all.
Something permanent shifted inside me, an epiphany; but getting to that moment and being the woman that had to carry all of it was so hard. I am shedding this version of myself to become myself. I also need to revere this version for protecting me the only way she knew how until I was ready to take up the next leg of the journey. Thank you, Holly, for all the hard work it must have taken to write this essay, and to get those words out to us, they were so needed. Please forgive me for my ramble. xo
This is so beautiful and perfectly said. Thank you for sharing this with us.
And you know what -- you are breaking this family cycle! I am so proud of you!
You taught your daughter what to do if she or a friend is ever in that situation by modeling it yourself. You showed her how to care for herself and others, and how to provide safe exits from potentially dangerous situations.
My brother and I are doing the same thing with our children -- staring down our generational traumas and family cycles cold in the mirror. We're shattering them so our children don't have to.
I am so grateful you just shared this. Thank you so much, for speaking power and grace and acceptance into so many peoples’ experiences.
The Donohue quote (I recognized it from your previous essay!), is incredibly relevant, again.
This made me tear up:
“I saw the woman I’d been so loathe to be as the one who delivered me instead of the one I wished I never was. I didn’t just forgive her for doing the best she could or whatever thing our Instagram therapists tell us to do, I revered her, washed her feet, prostrated at her strength and endurance and perseverance.”
The person who came before this moment is a bad ass bitch because she made it, she’s alive and awake, and she’s here today to tell the tale.
‘I saw the woman I’d been so loathe to be as the one who delivered me instead of the one I wished I never was.’
I am on the edge of this after two years of complete darkness, but regret and shame still reign as I work to figure out compassion. Will come back to this again and again as I move back towards my self. Thank you.
Thank you Holly for your thoughtful words and beautiful story. First, I would like to know (because I always ask a million questions and I feel like you were writing me a personal letter, plus I am a bit nosy) what kind of retreat does Holly Whitaker go on where she's not bombarded by fan-girls? :)
I love that rock! I am picturing you carrying this 10lb rock and I think it's something I would pick too. Even though I do not like to be the center of attention AT ALL, and I am an extroverted introvert, I think the metaphor of this is something to let go, but over exaggerated and a little silly. I also have a very weird sense of humour. :)
lol Liz no one knows me except for in this niche part of the internet! I go to Insight retreats mostly and practice vipassana and I promise you only my friend Katie who went w me know who tf I was. The rock indeed felt like the most obvious metaphor possible <3
Your essay brought me to tears and put words to The Thing I've been trying to describe to myself and others close to me. The Winters of life in all their glory. Love and respect to you!
It’s “altar” - 2 a’s. How’s that for a stuck, fucked-up mind? Can’t skip typos/spelling errors.
And yes, I wish I had noticed progress in the down times. I have had so many cravings over this holiday season that I wonder if my brain isn’t permanently damaged from booze and I have never experienced any real sobriety. Here’s to better days and to cutting myself more slack!
one time someone wrote me and yelled (all caps!) that I'd spelled compliment wrong by using complement and said COMPLIMENT WITH AN I IS FOR I! I AM COMPLIMENTED! And you know what I've never used the wrong one since. So thank you lol. It's doubtful your brain is permanently damaged, it just takes a damn long time to come back, especially as we age
Thank you for these deep insights. I too have been in a transition period and quite down on myself for not figuring out what's next. I can relate to your feelings of despising yourself for not being what you think you should be. Your thoughts on loving yourself for carrying the burden is so helpful.
Hi holly! I never read emails anymore but yours always catch my eye. Your writing is fantastic. As a small business owner- all I kept thinking was “failure? Didn’t she sell a business?!” I think that’s incredible! 95% of all small businesses fail in the first 5 years, not only did yours NOT do that, but it helped thousands of people (myself included) and was so successful that someone wanted to buy it. I consider that an extraordinary success. My only hope is that your Ferrari mind won’t let you settle for too long and we will all get to see what you do next ! - Colleen
Colleen <3 I definitely did not sell a business, and the outcome was not good. BUT. It's okay. And it's tricky because on the one hand I absolutely do not see myself as a failure but then what else do you call something working out the opposite of what you planned for. I wouldn't call my mind a ferrari mind, and I think this is already what I'm doing next?! <3
My God you are amazing at describing the entire process that we all at some point must follow in our own unique way. I just love your writing about your inner world, it's frank, intense and incredibly tender...and such a lamp for those who follow ...not the distant advice from those who pretend to have it all together...no this is what people in those trenches can read and recognize their own suffering and maybe cease the self lashing a bit earlier ...pioneer mammoth tracks in the snow for the tribe. I salute you.
Ahh Yinchi thank you. I could not pretend to have it together if I tried. Thank you for this lovely, needed words. <3
Agree ❤️
I’m laying in bed. So tired. A single mom. No end in sight to carrying boulder after boulder up hill. Thank you for giving me a soft place to land. Because with all of the muscles I’m building they don’t show no one sees. There’s nothing grand here. But I will try to take care of the me who is carrying.
I love nothing grand here. I think "nothing grand here" is one of the most underestimated places to be. Sending you lots of tenderness.
❤️
I feel so seen. Thank you for putting this process into words. Life has been so hard and heavy. 2022 was so devastating and gorgeous all at the same time for me—some very painful moments in my professional life which is where I put so much of my self-esteem. I have been working with an incredible therapist and a light bulb went on in my head the other day about what she has been trying to get me to see. I am trying so hard to find myself and untangle it from this idea that I need to build this amazing business to feel I am okay, despite knowing all the chaos that my drive can wreck on my personal life. At home, things have been so hard with my daughter struggling with OCD and anxiety. Last night she texted she was going on a walk, and I asked if I could come. I dropped everything at work, something I would never have considered before. And then on the walk with her, so much clarity happened. I heard a man swearing loudly at someone and my whole body froze. I went back, against her protests, and yelled out asking if everyone is okay and if I needed to call the police.
I grew up amidst DV and the trigger was instantaneous. But it was her reaction, the anxiety caused by my anxiety. I saw the generational trauma so clearly on the sidewalk that I just cried. I saw it all flashing before my eyes, my entire life of scratching to be released from what I was born into. The bulimia, the clamoring for perfection, the striving to be told I am good enough, the drinking, and the deliverance into sobriety where you have to face it all.
Something permanent shifted inside me, an epiphany; but getting to that moment and being the woman that had to carry all of it was so hard. I am shedding this version of myself to become myself. I also need to revere this version for protecting me the only way she knew how until I was ready to take up the next leg of the journey. Thank you, Holly, for all the hard work it must have taken to write this essay, and to get those words out to us, they were so needed. Please forgive me for my ramble. xo
I love what you wrote here; nothing to add, just taking in this story and you. <3
This is so beautiful and perfectly said. Thank you for sharing this with us.
And you know what -- you are breaking this family cycle! I am so proud of you!
You taught your daughter what to do if she or a friend is ever in that situation by modeling it yourself. You showed her how to care for herself and others, and how to provide safe exits from potentially dangerous situations.
My brother and I are doing the same thing with our children -- staring down our generational traumas and family cycles cold in the mirror. We're shattering them so our children don't have to.
Sending you so much love and strength!
Mmmmm. Generational trauma. Anxiety. OCD. I relate hardcore to this.
Hi Holly,
I am so grateful you just shared this. Thank you so much, for speaking power and grace and acceptance into so many peoples’ experiences.
The Donohue quote (I recognized it from your previous essay!), is incredibly relevant, again.
This made me tear up:
“I saw the woman I’d been so loathe to be as the one who delivered me instead of the one I wished I never was. I didn’t just forgive her for doing the best she could or whatever thing our Instagram therapists tell us to do, I revered her, washed her feet, prostrated at her strength and endurance and perseverance.”
The person who came before this moment is a bad ass bitch because she made it, she’s alive and awake, and she’s here today to tell the tale.
Thank you Holly!!! 💛✨
I think about that quote and his words and the secret work all the time. Thank you for this note Cindy.
🔥❤️🔥
‘I saw the woman I’d been so loathe to be as the one who delivered me instead of the one I wished I never was.’
I am on the edge of this after two years of complete darkness, but regret and shame still reign as I work to figure out compassion. Will come back to this again and again as I move back towards my self. Thank you.
I understand
Thank you Holly for your thoughtful words and beautiful story. First, I would like to know (because I always ask a million questions and I feel like you were writing me a personal letter, plus I am a bit nosy) what kind of retreat does Holly Whitaker go on where she's not bombarded by fan-girls? :)
I love that rock! I am picturing you carrying this 10lb rock and I think it's something I would pick too. Even though I do not like to be the center of attention AT ALL, and I am an extroverted introvert, I think the metaphor of this is something to let go, but over exaggerated and a little silly. I also have a very weird sense of humour. :)
lol Liz no one knows me except for in this niche part of the internet! I go to Insight retreats mostly and practice vipassana and I promise you only my friend Katie who went w me know who tf I was. The rock indeed felt like the most obvious metaphor possible <3
That’s great! Good to know you can find solitude when you need it! ☺️
Insight Retreats? In the US? Just curious....
When do we get a sneak peek at your next book? ☺️
Yes the rock 🪨
Your essay brought me to tears and put words to The Thing I've been trying to describe to myself and others close to me. The Winters of life in all their glory. Love and respect to you!
this reminds me I still need to read Wintering <3 thanks Deb
Yeah!
Thank you, Holly. This is beautiful! I am so grateful for you, your honesty, and your amazing ability to express it.
<3 Kelly
It’s “altar” - 2 a’s. How’s that for a stuck, fucked-up mind? Can’t skip typos/spelling errors.
And yes, I wish I had noticed progress in the down times. I have had so many cravings over this holiday season that I wonder if my brain isn’t permanently damaged from booze and I have never experienced any real sobriety. Here’s to better days and to cutting myself more slack!
one time someone wrote me and yelled (all caps!) that I'd spelled compliment wrong by using complement and said COMPLIMENT WITH AN I IS FOR I! I AM COMPLIMENTED! And you know what I've never used the wrong one since. So thank you lol. It's doubtful your brain is permanently damaged, it just takes a damn long time to come back, especially as we age
also this was just circulated:
https://www.iflscience.com/quitting-alcohol-can-improve-cognition-in-just-18-days-finds-study-on-alcohol-use-disorder-67003
Love this! Anecdotally true :D
Love. Relate. Yes. All of it. <3
ily
Ok ok Holly, having me laughing and then aching at the image of you kissing that rock. I feel so damn lucky to read your words.
<3 <3 <3 it sounds wild but it was very much in line with the general vibe of that ceremony lol
🔥
So many true and beautiful words here, Holly. Thank you.
I don't know how to properly take this in but I'm trying. Thank you, Cheryl.
Thank you for these deep insights. I too have been in a transition period and quite down on myself for not figuring out what's next. I can relate to your feelings of despising yourself for not being what you think you should be. Your thoughts on loving yourself for carrying the burden is so helpful.
I get all of this <3
Hi holly! I never read emails anymore but yours always catch my eye. Your writing is fantastic. As a small business owner- all I kept thinking was “failure? Didn’t she sell a business?!” I think that’s incredible! 95% of all small businesses fail in the first 5 years, not only did yours NOT do that, but it helped thousands of people (myself included) and was so successful that someone wanted to buy it. I consider that an extraordinary success. My only hope is that your Ferrari mind won’t let you settle for too long and we will all get to see what you do next ! - Colleen
Colleen <3 I definitely did not sell a business, and the outcome was not good. BUT. It's okay. And it's tricky because on the one hand I absolutely do not see myself as a failure but then what else do you call something working out the opposite of what you planned for. I wouldn't call my mind a ferrari mind, and I think this is already what I'm doing next?! <3
As always, exactly what I needed. Thank you. 🖤💫
<3
Oh honey, this is so gorgeous and powerful. I love you so much. Just wow.
Ilysm.