In 2016, in a real dick move, a friend bought me a book for my birthday called Almost Famous Women about women who had almost done great things but totally crashed and burned right before their Moment. She told me the stories in it reminded her of me.
Your essay brought me to tears and put words to The Thing I've been trying to describe to myself and others close to me. The Winters of life in all their glory. Love and respect to you!
I am so grateful you just shared this. Thank you so much, for speaking power and grace and acceptance into so many peoples’ experiences.
The Donohue quote (I recognized it from your previous essay!), is incredibly relevant, again.
This made me tear up:
“I saw the woman I’d been so loathe to be as the one who delivered me instead of the one I wished I never was. I didn’t just forgive her for doing the best she could or whatever thing our Instagram therapists tell us to do, I revered her, washed her feet, prostrated at her strength and endurance and perseverance.”
The person who came before this moment is a bad ass bitch because she made it, she’s alive and awake, and she’s here today to tell the tale.
Wow! Such a great description of your process. It is so hard to appreciate and revere the process itself when one is immersed in it. I am happy for you.
I just finished listening to the podcast you did with Casey Davidson and I wanted to share my thoughts. First of all, AWESOME INTERVIEW! I know you’ve been searching for your ‘next thing,’ because of following you on both Quitted and in your newsletter. I so much need to tell you how much wisdom you have to share around helping people become open to quitting alcohol. So many of the notions that you posit were not available to me when I quit on my own almost thirty years ago. (I didn’t use AA, but did a lot of reading and found a certified addictions counselor ) Have you considered getting back into the world of podcasting? You would be a terrific resource for the ‘sober-curious’ and many others who are in the various stages of recovery. I would help you if you want a partner. I know what it’s like, actually, to have done a ‘really big thing,’ and then go on to wonder if I’ll ever find that same challenge again. I keep waiting for the universe/God to point me in the direction. You have sooo much to give and it will come.
It’s “altar” - 2 a’s. How’s that for a stuck, fucked-up mind? Can’t skip typos/spelling errors.
And yes, I wish I had noticed progress in the down times. I have had so many cravings over this holiday season that I wonder if my brain isn’t permanently damaged from booze and I have never experienced any real sobriety. Here’s to better days and to cutting myself more slack!
one time someone wrote me and yelled (all caps!) that I'd spelled compliment wrong by using complement and said COMPLIMENT WITH AN I IS FOR I! I AM COMPLIMENTED! And you know what I've never used the wrong one since. So thank you lol. It's doubtful your brain is permanently damaged, it just takes a damn long time to come back, especially as we age
I’m laying in bed. So tired. A single mom. No end in sight to carrying boulder after boulder up hill. Thank you for giving me a soft place to land. Because with all of the muscles I’m building they don’t show no one sees. There’s nothing grand here. But I will try to take care of the me who is carrying.
Thank you Holly for your thoughtful words and beautiful story. First, I would like to know (because I always ask a million questions and I feel like you were writing me a personal letter, plus I am a bit nosy) what kind of retreat does Holly Whitaker go on where she's not bombarded by fan-girls? :)
I love that rock! I am picturing you carrying this 10lb rock and I think it's something I would pick too. Even though I do not like to be the center of attention AT ALL, and I am an extroverted introvert, I think the metaphor of this is something to let go, but over exaggerated and a little silly. I also have a very weird sense of humour. :)
lol Liz no one knows me except for in this niche part of the internet! I go to Insight retreats mostly and practice vipassana and I promise you only my friend Katie who went w me know who tf I was. The rock indeed felt like the most obvious metaphor possible <3
Jan 11, 2023·edited Jan 11, 2023Liked by Holly Whitaker
I feel so seen. Thank you for putting this process into words. Life has been so hard and heavy. 2022 was so devastating and gorgeous all at the same time for me—some very painful moments in my professional life which is where I put so much of my self-esteem. I have been working with an incredible therapist and a light bulb went on in my head the other day about what she has been trying to get me to see. I am trying so hard to find myself and untangle it from this idea that I need to build this amazing business to feel I am okay, despite knowing all the chaos that my drive can wreck on my personal life. At home, things have been so hard with my daughter struggling with OCD and anxiety. Last night she texted she was going on a walk, and I asked if I could come. I dropped everything at work, something I would never have considered before. And then on the walk with her, so much clarity happened. I heard a man swearing loudly at someone and my whole body froze. I went back, against her protests, and yelled out asking if everyone is okay and if I needed to call the police.
I grew up amidst DV and the trigger was instantaneous. But it was her reaction, the anxiety caused by my anxiety. I saw the generational trauma so clearly on the sidewalk that I just cried. I saw it all flashing before my eyes, my entire life of scratching to be released from what I was born into. The bulimia, the clamoring for perfection, the striving to be told I am good enough, the drinking, and the deliverance into sobriety where you have to face it all.
Something permanent shifted inside me, an epiphany; but getting to that moment and being the woman that had to carry all of it was so hard. I am shedding this version of myself to become myself. I also need to revere this version for protecting me the only way she knew how until I was ready to take up the next leg of the journey. Thank you, Holly, for all the hard work it must have taken to write this essay, and to get those words out to us, they were so needed. Please forgive me for my ramble. xo
This is so beautiful and perfectly said. Thank you for sharing this with us.
And you know what -- you are breaking this family cycle! I am so proud of you!
You taught your daughter what to do if she or a friend is ever in that situation by modeling it yourself. You showed her how to care for herself and others, and how to provide safe exits from potentially dangerous situations.
My brother and I are doing the same thing with our children -- staring down our generational traumas and family cycles cold in the mirror. We're shattering them so our children don't have to.
<3 <3 <3 Interesting, terrible times. So good seeing you here.
Happy birthday ❤️
<3 thank you!
This is so fucking good. Thank you for every word. 🙏🏼❤️🎉
<3 thanks Thomas
Your essay brought me to tears and put words to The Thing I've been trying to describe to myself and others close to me. The Winters of life in all their glory. Love and respect to you!
Yeah!
this reminds me I still need to read Wintering <3 thanks Deb
Hi Holly,
I am so grateful you just shared this. Thank you so much, for speaking power and grace and acceptance into so many peoples’ experiences.
The Donohue quote (I recognized it from your previous essay!), is incredibly relevant, again.
This made me tear up:
“I saw the woman I’d been so loathe to be as the one who delivered me instead of the one I wished I never was. I didn’t just forgive her for doing the best she could or whatever thing our Instagram therapists tell us to do, I revered her, washed her feet, prostrated at her strength and endurance and perseverance.”
The person who came before this moment is a bad ass bitch because she made it, she’s alive and awake, and she’s here today to tell the tale.
Thank you Holly!!! 💛✨
🔥❤️🔥
I think about that quote and his words and the secret work all the time. Thank you for this note Cindy.
Wow! Such a great description of your process. It is so hard to appreciate and revere the process itself when one is immersed in it. I am happy for you.
Indeed it is and it's especially hard to believe it will ever be any different, or at least for me. Thanks Kate.
I just finished listening to the podcast you did with Casey Davidson and I wanted to share my thoughts. First of all, AWESOME INTERVIEW! I know you’ve been searching for your ‘next thing,’ because of following you on both Quitted and in your newsletter. I so much need to tell you how much wisdom you have to share around helping people become open to quitting alcohol. So many of the notions that you posit were not available to me when I quit on my own almost thirty years ago. (I didn’t use AA, but did a lot of reading and found a certified addictions counselor ) Have you considered getting back into the world of podcasting? You would be a terrific resource for the ‘sober-curious’ and many others who are in the various stages of recovery. I would help you if you want a partner. I know what it’s like, actually, to have done a ‘really big thing,’ and then go on to wonder if I’ll ever find that same challenge again. I keep waiting for the universe/God to point me in the direction. You have sooo much to give and it will come.
Thanks for a beautiful essay. The link to alcoholic cartoon characters is broken though!
oh no it's fixed and here it is
https://www.theawl.com/2017/12/sadcom-cartoon-alcoholics/
Oh honey, this is so gorgeous and powerful. I love you so much. Just wow.
Ilysm.
As always, exactly what I needed. Thank you. 🖤💫
<3
Ok ok Holly, having me laughing and then aching at the image of you kissing that rock. I feel so damn lucky to read your words.
🔥
<3 <3 <3 it sounds wild but it was very much in line with the general vibe of that ceremony lol
Love. Relate. Yes. All of it. <3
ily
It’s “altar” - 2 a’s. How’s that for a stuck, fucked-up mind? Can’t skip typos/spelling errors.
And yes, I wish I had noticed progress in the down times. I have had so many cravings over this holiday season that I wonder if my brain isn’t permanently damaged from booze and I have never experienced any real sobriety. Here’s to better days and to cutting myself more slack!
one time someone wrote me and yelled (all caps!) that I'd spelled compliment wrong by using complement and said COMPLIMENT WITH AN I IS FOR I! I AM COMPLIMENTED! And you know what I've never used the wrong one since. So thank you lol. It's doubtful your brain is permanently damaged, it just takes a damn long time to come back, especially as we age
also this was just circulated:
https://www.iflscience.com/quitting-alcohol-can-improve-cognition-in-just-18-days-finds-study-on-alcohol-use-disorder-67003
Love this! Anecdotally true :D
Thank you, Holly. This is beautiful! I am so grateful for you, your honesty, and your amazing ability to express it.
<3 Kelly
I’m laying in bed. So tired. A single mom. No end in sight to carrying boulder after boulder up hill. Thank you for giving me a soft place to land. Because with all of the muscles I’m building they don’t show no one sees. There’s nothing grand here. But I will try to take care of the me who is carrying.
❤️
I love nothing grand here. I think "nothing grand here" is one of the most underestimated places to be. Sending you lots of tenderness.
Thank you Holly for your thoughtful words and beautiful story. First, I would like to know (because I always ask a million questions and I feel like you were writing me a personal letter, plus I am a bit nosy) what kind of retreat does Holly Whitaker go on where she's not bombarded by fan-girls? :)
I love that rock! I am picturing you carrying this 10lb rock and I think it's something I would pick too. Even though I do not like to be the center of attention AT ALL, and I am an extroverted introvert, I think the metaphor of this is something to let go, but over exaggerated and a little silly. I also have a very weird sense of humour. :)
Yes the rock 🪨
lol Liz no one knows me except for in this niche part of the internet! I go to Insight retreats mostly and practice vipassana and I promise you only my friend Katie who went w me know who tf I was. The rock indeed felt like the most obvious metaphor possible <3
That’s great! Good to know you can find solitude when you need it! ☺️
Insight Retreats? In the US? Just curious....
When do we get a sneak peek at your next book? ☺️
I feel so seen. Thank you for putting this process into words. Life has been so hard and heavy. 2022 was so devastating and gorgeous all at the same time for me—some very painful moments in my professional life which is where I put so much of my self-esteem. I have been working with an incredible therapist and a light bulb went on in my head the other day about what she has been trying to get me to see. I am trying so hard to find myself and untangle it from this idea that I need to build this amazing business to feel I am okay, despite knowing all the chaos that my drive can wreck on my personal life. At home, things have been so hard with my daughter struggling with OCD and anxiety. Last night she texted she was going on a walk, and I asked if I could come. I dropped everything at work, something I would never have considered before. And then on the walk with her, so much clarity happened. I heard a man swearing loudly at someone and my whole body froze. I went back, against her protests, and yelled out asking if everyone is okay and if I needed to call the police.
I grew up amidst DV and the trigger was instantaneous. But it was her reaction, the anxiety caused by my anxiety. I saw the generational trauma so clearly on the sidewalk that I just cried. I saw it all flashing before my eyes, my entire life of scratching to be released from what I was born into. The bulimia, the clamoring for perfection, the striving to be told I am good enough, the drinking, and the deliverance into sobriety where you have to face it all.
Something permanent shifted inside me, an epiphany; but getting to that moment and being the woman that had to carry all of it was so hard. I am shedding this version of myself to become myself. I also need to revere this version for protecting me the only way she knew how until I was ready to take up the next leg of the journey. Thank you, Holly, for all the hard work it must have taken to write this essay, and to get those words out to us, they were so needed. Please forgive me for my ramble. xo
Mmmmm. Generational trauma. Anxiety. OCD. I relate hardcore to this.
I love what you wrote here; nothing to add, just taking in this story and you. <3
This is so beautiful and perfectly said. Thank you for sharing this with us.
And you know what -- you are breaking this family cycle! I am so proud of you!
You taught your daughter what to do if she or a friend is ever in that situation by modeling it yourself. You showed her how to care for herself and others, and how to provide safe exits from potentially dangerous situations.
My brother and I are doing the same thing with our children -- staring down our generational traumas and family cycles cold in the mirror. We're shattering them so our children don't have to.
Sending you so much love and strength!