Oh Holly, I'm so with you on this. I make friends easily, socialize comfortably, and yet I'm a "lone wolf". But at 64, I've decided it's just the way I'm hard wired. Yes, I feel lonely sometimes, but that's not the worst feeling in the world. Especially when I read what you just wrote and know there are lots of us lone wolves out there. Maybe we should celebrate how we are instead of saying we "shouldn't be that way". 💕
Awww this is exactly why I wrote this even though I didn’t want to write it. I was (ironically)working from a friends house today and I read this to her before I sent it, and she’s someone I assume has the kind of community I’m talking about, and she said it hit her directly, that loneliness piece, her too even though she has people in her house and a large family and all kinds of things so even people who don’t consider themselves lone wolves have that loneliness piece, it just looks different. I think I can both celebrate this, and not think we shouldn’t be this way (because honestly my favorite people are us), but also recognize a longing for something that feels equally important, if that makes sense. Thank you for this ♥️
Great questions!! Same with me, epic phone calls with long-term besties are easy, but no friend groups.... and that too is an ADHD thing, at least for me. Group convos were always hard for me to gracefully participate in, it might be a brain-function/focus thing, that "switching" function that is so miserable for ADHDers. I also recently realized that when I started drinking (at 17) was the first time I ever felt comfortable in groups. I've apparently relied on alchohol to be at ease in groups my entire adulthood (I'm now 51, newly sober). Even though the next day I always woke up mortified at being so relaxed and open in front of mere acquantences. I went to a cocktail party sober a week before xmas, my first time ever doing this, and it was ok, but yeah it takes huge EFFORT to converse with a group.
As for adulting with ADHD, yeah I too have built up my organizing skills and I truly enjoy tidiness... but I'm still late to everything, no matter how hard I try to change it.
I didn’t even think of it in these terms and what you wrote feels extremely relatable. I hate parties and handling multiple streams of conversation and drinking absolutely made it achievable if not enjoyable, that narrowing in and turning off. I’ve also found at events where my work is featured, I absolutely dread it but then end up happy to have connected in that way with other people that have shared experience, but need like days to recover. But a party where there’s no established purpose but to meet people lols no. On the second part, the organizing nailed, and the lateness…it’ll probably be a forever thing lol. Thanks so much for all this.
We’re fed a story about the middle aged woman with a solid crew of homies, they speed walk together, brunch together, travel together... I think this is anomaly and not the norm.. we grow and stray and partner and divorce and move and raise children and animals and recover from cancer and get sober and care for parents and pay bills and plant gardens and change jobs and become a morning person and grieve loss... none of this is conducive to maintain a crew of homies. I think of it as a target with concentric circles and people move in and out of the inner circle. I don’t necessarily want to invite all the people in my inner circle to a party together. Weird. They don’t know each other. But they know OF each other. Gathering them would feel like I’m at my own funeral.
Ha. When I was 30 I threw a party for myself and invited everyone I knew and it was the worst birthday of my life. I get this. And I get the whole bullshit thing we're fed, that's at play here. I still long for a sense of community though; I think there's some nuance and distinction in there that I don't quite have words to pinpoint.
So this could turn into a therapy session....I think I am always surprised when people want to be with me, spend time and develop friendship. As early far back as college I can remember wondering why (this person) would call me and chat and more than since and that they didn’t want something from me. And that pattern repeats into the now. And a lot of time I don’t notice it until there are repeated obvious attempts by this person to connect. Yeah. That is a whole thing to really dig into. And my tribe? They are my true blues that I trust with knowing everything, but we accomplish tasks together: work, or events, or gatherings but we don’t spend time in each others homes anymore or getting together to just be together and that feels like it is because I don’t drink. They love and loyalty is there but not the social company. Bleh.
So this could turn into a therapy session....I think I am always surprised when people want to be with me, spend time and develop friendship. As early far back as college I can remember wondering why (this person) would call me and chat and more than since and that they didn’t want something from me. And that pattern repeats into the now. And a lot of time I don’t notice it until there are repeated obvious attempts by this person to connect. Yeah. That is a whole thing to really dig into. And my tribe? They are my true blues that I trust with knowing everything, but we accomplish tasks together: work, or events, or gatherings but we don’t spend time in each others homes anymore or getting together to just be together and that feels like it is because I don’t drink. They love and loyalty is there but not the social company. Bleh.
So this could turn into a therapy session....I think I am always surprised when people want to be with me, spend time and develop friendship. As early far back as college I can remember wondering why (this person) would call me and chat and more than since and that they didn’t want something from me. And that pattern repeats into the now. And a lot of time I don’t notice it until there are repeated obvious attempts by this person to connect. Yeah. That is a whole thing to really dig into. And my tribe? They are my true blues that I trust with knowing everything, but we accomplish tasks together: work, or events, or gatherings but we don’t spend time in each others homes anymore or getting together to just be together and that feels like it is because I don’t drink. They love and loyalty is there but not the social company. Bleh.
So this could turn into a therapy session....I think I am always surprised when people want to be with me, spend time and develop friendship. As early far back as college I can remember wondering why (this person) would call me and chat and more than since and that they didn’t want something from me. And that pattern repeats into the now. And a lot of time I don’t notice it until there are repeated obvious attempts by this person to connect. Yeah. That is a whole thing to really dig into. And my tribe? They are my true blues that I trust with knowing everything, but we accomplish tasks together: work, or events, or gatherings but we don’t spend time in each others homes anymore or getting together to just be together and that feels like it is because I don’t drink. They love and loyalty is there but not the social company. Bleh.
So this could turn into a therapy session....I think I am always surprised when people want to be with me, spend time and develop friendship. As early far back as college I can remember wondering why (this person) would call me and chat and more than since and that they didn’t want something from me. And that pattern repeats into the now. And a lot of time I don’t notice it until there are repeated obvious attempts by this person to connect. Yeah. That is a whole thing to really dig into. And my tribe? They are my true blues that I trust with knowing everything, but we accomplish tasks together: work, or events, or gatherings but we don’t spend time in each others homes anymore or getting together to just be together and that feels like it is because I don’t drink. They love and loyalty is there but not the social company. Bleh.
So this could turn into a therapy session....I think I am always surprised when people want to be with me, spend time and develop friendship. As early far back as college I can remember wondering why (this person) would call me and chat and more than since and that they didn’t want something from me. And that pattern repeats into the now. And a lot of time I don’t notice it until there are repeated obvious attempts by this person to connect. Yeah. That is a whole thing to really dig into. And my tribe? They are my true blues that I trust with knowing everything, but we accomplish tasks together: work, or events, or gatherings but we don’t spend time in each others homes anymore or getting together to just be together and that feels like it is because I don’t drink. They love and loyalty is there but not the social company. Bleh.
Jamie your view matches mine pretty closely. I watch other women and wonder how they have the resources to connect with each other on so many levels and seemingly so often. I love my people. My women, my work-wives and my tribe but the relationships shift with life events and my needs for and from them shift as well. I don’t know about the lonely. That continually shifts too. I persist in attempting to root that ideal of enough and complete within myself but it is true that other than when I am I. The car I am never truly alone so who knows how successful I really am. Anyway. I appreciated your perspective. Thanks
i dont know much about friendship groups just for the sake of hanging out--- what i do know is that i dance in a group and i practice yoga in a group and attend church in a group and meet other potters in a group and study anti-racism in a group and recover from alcoholism in a group and cook community dinner in a group and plan mardi gras parades in a group &&& the list goes on but what i mean here is that Groups with Purpose do create friendships incidentally and beautifully. Less focus on each other and more on the goal, whatever it is we care about or want to do. and those relationships just ebb and flow as they will. my learning about this was a combination of praying to be in community and just being in new orleans which does this particularly well. i hope you find what you are looking for!
My father, born in the World War II era, in Eastern Europe told me when I made a really great friend in college, that I was blessed to have this one solid person and to be grateful and cherish the relationship. Years later, when I made another amazing friend, my father told me how absolutely lucky I was to have these two people in my life - he made it seem like I found 4-leaf clovers! He had a look of amazement and astonishment, as to how lucky I was. Both of these friendships are now over 30 years and we live on different coast, but because he engrained in me, I see any other relationship on top of these two as a blessing upon a blessing and am humbled and feel lucky. I passed the concept along to my kids... sending love to everybody on this thread.
Thank you Holly for naming something so strong in me.i felt felled by your newsletter actually but now with a little space I can also see a complete blindness to the patterns of being enmeshed in relationships and communities that were not aligned with living with joy and acceptance either. In recent years there has been a tremendous shedding of people in my life through my first serious boundary setting ever which at 60 is a bit embarrassing and to be honest there is pretty much no one who has survived the inner circle test..no lover, no family, no friends and whilst i feel sad about that, in a way I don't. It tells me I have been living a lie to myself, accepting second rate friendships and appalling toxic family relationships and actually it also tells me I am in gestation before a healthier set of relationships can form. And I am apprehensive about some things but what has fallen away from me is the sense of shame for being alone...I can see I have needed the experiences I have had in recent years to see the truth of people's complete lack of commitment to me one of which has been my unwillingness to ask for help because I knew subconsciously that that would be denied and I wasn't prepared to see the truth.
I love this so much, thanks for saying this. This was very true for me, I lost most of my social circle, actually all, and took time off from my family, and there was this bare naked space where everything was before. It was such a freeing thing to have nothing instead of the things that hurt and relationships I forced or shapeshifted into. I understand.
Your article hit a nerve. Being unable to form a community has been a development of my later years. I feel almost lazy, fearful, and sad about it all at the same time.
Re: having ADHD and forcing yourself to do things that are fucking impossible: this is me getting out of the house and to work in the morning with two little kids! All of the plans in the world don’t make me time aware at 6:00 am, so I set a bajillion reminders and that has ....helped. It’s so stressful and unpleasant to rush, and it’s not my natural morning state 😑 but it’s been worth it, because I can’t be late to work (teacher).
I am also a tornado person, and I’m trying to reign it in bc I don’t want my kids to grow up in squalor. I haven’t really found my deep motivation though, bc I’m still a tornado person, just futilely trying to contain the chaos 😂
A few minutes before I read your email I saw an “affirmation” and thought Holly would like this one.
“Don't worry about how it will happen, focus on making it happen with the support and guidance of the Universe.
Sometimes you just have to step out of your own way and miracles unfold”
It is so relevant to this post. I am a lonely wolf. The qualities laid out about yourself deeply resonate. I make friends easily yet, maintaining them scares the hell out of me. Putting yourself out there, planning a get together, asking someone to join you for dinner out, or just come over and be a house cat with you and watch a movie makes you feel vulnerable to your fear of rejection. Your feelings of “not good enough” feed into that fear. So you stop asking, you start isolating, and the fear held within your vulnerability breeds.
When I had to put aside the substances to gain control over my mental health my “closest friends, my ride or dies” stopped asking me to hang out and stopped answering my calls and texts. I wasn’t fun anymore. My chosen told me “our vibe is just off”. Claimed she felt “betrayed” because I couldn’t party for 3 days for her 40th. It took me upwards of a year to stop crying.
So I started telling myself and others that I was happier being the lone wolf because no friends are better than fake ones. If they can’t handle me at my worst they dont deserve my best blah blah blah. The truth? I’m scared as hell to let myself fall forward because the pain, anger and hurt became my friends, family, my stability. Letting go of all of it so you can move forward is something I’m terrified of. Maybe it is also something we can learn to do together here.
I had such similar experiences when I stopped drinking, I think it's the rule, not the exception, to go through something similar to what you describe. After writing this, I went out and fell forward a tiny bit. Sending you a lot of tenderness.
Maybe it is the feeling of freedom that is so frightening because I truly have no idea what being free feels like. I have carried the weight of my history my childhood trauma and the abuse I endured by a “parent” and the resulting sadness anger anxiety and all of the other “ands” throughout my (almost) 44 years. That is truly sad isn’t it? To be afraid of feeling freedom from what no longer serves you.
I was worrying about the same thing with a friend (on the phone haha) recently and she said, “It’s not that you couldn’t have a big circle of friends, you just keep a tight edit.” Made me feel better…
I love this. Glennon has a great podcast about friendships and sort of attributes there not being a socially acceptable way to plutonicly “break up” it made me think...
Holly. Truth. I’ve blanked on how I connected with your words. Glad. Very. I have. Who the fuck has 460,000 followers ? Hollow road lacking intimacy. I’m 71. Have lived thru multiple dark times . Perhaps why I am able to enjoy my alone ness and chose my friends selectively. I’m married 42 years and raised 3 fascinating children. All of whom live hundreds of miles from me. I too am a writer. Non fiction (tried in vain fantasy. ) my deepest relationships have been my black Labrador retrievers . Constant companion. Wherever we go, park, beach, outdoor restaurants there’s a community of people. You might say I’m content in a crowd of strangers. I’m one of 6 daughters. None I trust or feel need to be with. Chaotic Beverly Hills Ca upbringing is enough to set one apart. I did and escaped at 21 to nyc and beyond. Yup ! I’m a vagabond and I think your writing is powerful, honest and refreshing.
Oh reading this is like taking a breath on so many, many levels. What a beautiful perspective, and a beautiful life. Thank you for sharing and for a really incredible compliment. I don’t know if you mean it was a fantasy to write fiction or you tried to write fantasy, but I too have a fantasy about writing fantasy :)
Holly No. I have tried to write fiction. I fail ! Did Hemingway write fantasy? Well he made a pretty fine attempts. I’m too sardonic. Your brevity and clear expression is very much like Ernest H. That is in my humble op a compliment….. Jenn
Hey Holly just want to start out saying every time I read something you wrote I think fuck I love her writing. This piece on friendships rang so true to my heart. Like it makes me feel bad that I don’t have a “girl squad” like Taylor Swift. I’m a lone wolf but I have come to mostly happily except that about myself. I remember walking the halls in high school by myself and feeling embarrassed I wasn’t with a gang of girls. I’m older now and cherish the few great friends I have.
Same all around on this. Even though I don’t know about Taylor swift I do know when I see others that have that thing it makes me look twice. I’m loving that the predominant response is “this too is good.” Thanks for this Lorraine.
Do you recommend the Carr book? I seem to remember references you’ve made to it before, and I am finally on my beginning journey of sobriety after many many years putting it off.
I absolutely do, but be sure to look up the title the easy way to control alcohol, I read later versions and they weren't as clear. I think, for me, it was important to keep reading about alcohol in this specific way, demystifying it. I like Annie Grace's books (both the original naked mind and the 30 day one) as well for the same reason. I also recommend my book 😭
Yes! I read that one too. Your tip on continuing to read certain types of books is spot on. These titles, (and QLAW, of course :) all do a great job at knocking down our beliefs of what we think alcohol does vs what it actually does. While I enjoy a memoir, my brain was the most impacted by this counter information to what I thought to be true. I no longer look at folks who drink with envy but gratitude that all the systems in my body do not have to deal with that toxin. Thanks Holly!
Holly, I have followed you around for years. I am much older than you. I have had a much longer amount of time to learn/ unlearn and gain insight, and wisdom. Hasn’t happened. When I read this,,like many other writings you have generously shared ,I am taken back by your thoughts. You are inside my head and my heart and express thoughts and feelings I have never been able to. I know that we are still just trying to figure it out. I am grateful that you are “there” at this stage of your life, and not looking back at my age still saying what the fuck.
I am fortunate to have found you and I send you sincere gratitude for sharing your journey. There is no one quite like you.
How timely. I grew up a loner, lived by my grandma's saying "better alone than in bad company." I used to think I was an extrovert-- I found my footing in the world after I went to boarding school in HS-- but as I entered adulthood and now being sober, I realize that's so far from the truth. I love my own company. It was hard to get used to the isolation during COVID-- because it was not our choice, but leaving my non-profit admin work last year, and with that leaving alcohol behind once and for all, I digging my recluse life. Yet I don't want to die without a community.
I was contacted by a friend the other day, informing me that a once-close friend of mine had passed. Edsel was found by his super in his apartment. God knows how longe he had been dead. One of his friends could not get through to him on the phone and eventually sought him out, only to find his apartment padlocked. He has one next of kin alive, a niece in Detroit who is living in the house he inherited after his father passed a few years back. No one knows her name or how to locate her. We last spoke after a mutual friend past, many months ago. During that call, Edsel encouraged me to keep in touch, last time I called and left a voicemail was 3 months ago. He never returned my call. Edsel was a great human who also happened to be an alcoholic and always a loner, which worsened with his father's death, the pandemic and his early retirement. Such as a sad story.
Oh Chris. Thank you for sharing your experience, and talking about Edsel. There's really no words for that kind of heartbreak, all I know is it makes me believe a better world is possible where no one ever falls through any crack.
Oh Chris. Thank you for sharing your experience, and talking about Edsel. There's really no words for that kind of heartbreak, all I know is it makes me believe a better world is possible where no one ever falls through any crack.
Oh Holly, I'm so with you on this. I make friends easily, socialize comfortably, and yet I'm a "lone wolf". But at 64, I've decided it's just the way I'm hard wired. Yes, I feel lonely sometimes, but that's not the worst feeling in the world. Especially when I read what you just wrote and know there are lots of us lone wolves out there. Maybe we should celebrate how we are instead of saying we "shouldn't be that way". 💕
Awww this is exactly why I wrote this even though I didn’t want to write it. I was (ironically)working from a friends house today and I read this to her before I sent it, and she’s someone I assume has the kind of community I’m talking about, and she said it hit her directly, that loneliness piece, her too even though she has people in her house and a large family and all kinds of things so even people who don’t consider themselves lone wolves have that loneliness piece, it just looks different. I think I can both celebrate this, and not think we shouldn’t be this way (because honestly my favorite people are us), but also recognize a longing for something that feels equally important, if that makes sense. Thank you for this ♥️
Great questions!! Same with me, epic phone calls with long-term besties are easy, but no friend groups.... and that too is an ADHD thing, at least for me. Group convos were always hard for me to gracefully participate in, it might be a brain-function/focus thing, that "switching" function that is so miserable for ADHDers. I also recently realized that when I started drinking (at 17) was the first time I ever felt comfortable in groups. I've apparently relied on alchohol to be at ease in groups my entire adulthood (I'm now 51, newly sober). Even though the next day I always woke up mortified at being so relaxed and open in front of mere acquantences. I went to a cocktail party sober a week before xmas, my first time ever doing this, and it was ok, but yeah it takes huge EFFORT to converse with a group.
As for adulting with ADHD, yeah I too have built up my organizing skills and I truly enjoy tidiness... but I'm still late to everything, no matter how hard I try to change it.
I didn’t even think of it in these terms and what you wrote feels extremely relatable. I hate parties and handling multiple streams of conversation and drinking absolutely made it achievable if not enjoyable, that narrowing in and turning off. I’ve also found at events where my work is featured, I absolutely dread it but then end up happy to have connected in that way with other people that have shared experience, but need like days to recover. But a party where there’s no established purpose but to meet people lols no. On the second part, the organizing nailed, and the lateness…it’ll probably be a forever thing lol. Thanks so much for all this.
This! 👆
We’re fed a story about the middle aged woman with a solid crew of homies, they speed walk together, brunch together, travel together... I think this is anomaly and not the norm.. we grow and stray and partner and divorce and move and raise children and animals and recover from cancer and get sober and care for parents and pay bills and plant gardens and change jobs and become a morning person and grieve loss... none of this is conducive to maintain a crew of homies. I think of it as a target with concentric circles and people move in and out of the inner circle. I don’t necessarily want to invite all the people in my inner circle to a party together. Weird. They don’t know each other. But they know OF each other. Gathering them would feel like I’m at my own funeral.
Ha. When I was 30 I threw a party for myself and invited everyone I knew and it was the worst birthday of my life. I get this. And I get the whole bullshit thing we're fed, that's at play here. I still long for a sense of community though; I think there's some nuance and distinction in there that I don't quite have words to pinpoint.
So this could turn into a therapy session....I think I am always surprised when people want to be with me, spend time and develop friendship. As early far back as college I can remember wondering why (this person) would call me and chat and more than since and that they didn’t want something from me. And that pattern repeats into the now. And a lot of time I don’t notice it until there are repeated obvious attempts by this person to connect. Yeah. That is a whole thing to really dig into. And my tribe? They are my true blues that I trust with knowing everything, but we accomplish tasks together: work, or events, or gatherings but we don’t spend time in each others homes anymore or getting together to just be together and that feels like it is because I don’t drink. They love and loyalty is there but not the social company. Bleh.
So this could turn into a therapy session....I think I am always surprised when people want to be with me, spend time and develop friendship. As early far back as college I can remember wondering why (this person) would call me and chat and more than since and that they didn’t want something from me. And that pattern repeats into the now. And a lot of time I don’t notice it until there are repeated obvious attempts by this person to connect. Yeah. That is a whole thing to really dig into. And my tribe? They are my true blues that I trust with knowing everything, but we accomplish tasks together: work, or events, or gatherings but we don’t spend time in each others homes anymore or getting together to just be together and that feels like it is because I don’t drink. They love and loyalty is there but not the social company. Bleh.
So this could turn into a therapy session....I think I am always surprised when people want to be with me, spend time and develop friendship. As early far back as college I can remember wondering why (this person) would call me and chat and more than since and that they didn’t want something from me. And that pattern repeats into the now. And a lot of time I don’t notice it until there are repeated obvious attempts by this person to connect. Yeah. That is a whole thing to really dig into. And my tribe? They are my true blues that I trust with knowing everything, but we accomplish tasks together: work, or events, or gatherings but we don’t spend time in each others homes anymore or getting together to just be together and that feels like it is because I don’t drink. They love and loyalty is there but not the social company. Bleh.
So this could turn into a therapy session....I think I am always surprised when people want to be with me, spend time and develop friendship. As early far back as college I can remember wondering why (this person) would call me and chat and more than since and that they didn’t want something from me. And that pattern repeats into the now. And a lot of time I don’t notice it until there are repeated obvious attempts by this person to connect. Yeah. That is a whole thing to really dig into. And my tribe? They are my true blues that I trust with knowing everything, but we accomplish tasks together: work, or events, or gatherings but we don’t spend time in each others homes anymore or getting together to just be together and that feels like it is because I don’t drink. They love and loyalty is there but not the social company. Bleh.
So this could turn into a therapy session....I think I am always surprised when people want to be with me, spend time and develop friendship. As early far back as college I can remember wondering why (this person) would call me and chat and more than since and that they didn’t want something from me. And that pattern repeats into the now. And a lot of time I don’t notice it until there are repeated obvious attempts by this person to connect. Yeah. That is a whole thing to really dig into. And my tribe? They are my true blues that I trust with knowing everything, but we accomplish tasks together: work, or events, or gatherings but we don’t spend time in each others homes anymore or getting together to just be together and that feels like it is because I don’t drink. They love and loyalty is there but not the social company. Bleh.
So this could turn into a therapy session....I think I am always surprised when people want to be with me, spend time and develop friendship. As early far back as college I can remember wondering why (this person) would call me and chat and more than since and that they didn’t want something from me. And that pattern repeats into the now. And a lot of time I don’t notice it until there are repeated obvious attempts by this person to connect. Yeah. That is a whole thing to really dig into. And my tribe? They are my true blues that I trust with knowing everything, but we accomplish tasks together: work, or events, or gatherings but we don’t spend time in each others homes anymore or getting together to just be together and that feels like it is because I don’t drink. They love and loyalty is there but not the social company. Bleh.
Jamie your view matches mine pretty closely. I watch other women and wonder how they have the resources to connect with each other on so many levels and seemingly so often. I love my people. My women, my work-wives and my tribe but the relationships shift with life events and my needs for and from them shift as well. I don’t know about the lonely. That continually shifts too. I persist in attempting to root that ideal of enough and complete within myself but it is true that other than when I am I. The car I am never truly alone so who knows how successful I really am. Anyway. I appreciated your perspective. Thanks
i dont know much about friendship groups just for the sake of hanging out--- what i do know is that i dance in a group and i practice yoga in a group and attend church in a group and meet other potters in a group and study anti-racism in a group and recover from alcoholism in a group and cook community dinner in a group and plan mardi gras parades in a group &&& the list goes on but what i mean here is that Groups with Purpose do create friendships incidentally and beautifully. Less focus on each other and more on the goal, whatever it is we care about or want to do. and those relationships just ebb and flow as they will. my learning about this was a combination of praying to be in community and just being in new orleans which does this particularly well. i hope you find what you are looking for!
I love this Rey, so very much. Thanks for this perspective and reminder.
My father, born in the World War II era, in Eastern Europe told me when I made a really great friend in college, that I was blessed to have this one solid person and to be grateful and cherish the relationship. Years later, when I made another amazing friend, my father told me how absolutely lucky I was to have these two people in my life - he made it seem like I found 4-leaf clovers! He had a look of amazement and astonishment, as to how lucky I was. Both of these friendships are now over 30 years and we live on different coast, but because he engrained in me, I see any other relationship on top of these two as a blessing upon a blessing and am humbled and feel lucky. I passed the concept along to my kids... sending love to everybody on this thread.
That is the full truth. It is such a blessing, such luck, to find one person. Thanks for this Ana. Reading about your dad tickled my stomach <3
That is the full truth. It is such a blessing, such luck, to find one person. Thanks for this Ana. Reading about your dad tickled my stomach <3
Thank you Holly for naming something so strong in me.i felt felled by your newsletter actually but now with a little space I can also see a complete blindness to the patterns of being enmeshed in relationships and communities that were not aligned with living with joy and acceptance either. In recent years there has been a tremendous shedding of people in my life through my first serious boundary setting ever which at 60 is a bit embarrassing and to be honest there is pretty much no one who has survived the inner circle test..no lover, no family, no friends and whilst i feel sad about that, in a way I don't. It tells me I have been living a lie to myself, accepting second rate friendships and appalling toxic family relationships and actually it also tells me I am in gestation before a healthier set of relationships can form. And I am apprehensive about some things but what has fallen away from me is the sense of shame for being alone...I can see I have needed the experiences I have had in recent years to see the truth of people's complete lack of commitment to me one of which has been my unwillingness to ask for help because I knew subconsciously that that would be denied and I wasn't prepared to see the truth.
I love this so much, thanks for saying this. This was very true for me, I lost most of my social circle, actually all, and took time off from my family, and there was this bare naked space where everything was before. It was such a freeing thing to have nothing instead of the things that hurt and relationships I forced or shapeshifted into. I understand.
Your article hit a nerve. Being unable to form a community has been a development of my later years. I feel almost lazy, fearful, and sad about it all at the same time.
Oof yes. All this Cathy.
Re: having ADHD and forcing yourself to do things that are fucking impossible: this is me getting out of the house and to work in the morning with two little kids! All of the plans in the world don’t make me time aware at 6:00 am, so I set a bajillion reminders and that has ....helped. It’s so stressful and unpleasant to rush, and it’s not my natural morning state 😑 but it’s been worth it, because I can’t be late to work (teacher).
I am also a tornado person, and I’m trying to reign it in bc I don’t want my kids to grow up in squalor. I haven’t really found my deep motivation though, bc I’m still a tornado person, just futilely trying to contain the chaos 😂
I forget the question
Lol. “I forget the question.” I love you, fellow tornado. This is epic. And all of it, yes. Totally.
A few minutes before I read your email I saw an “affirmation” and thought Holly would like this one.
“Don't worry about how it will happen, focus on making it happen with the support and guidance of the Universe.
Sometimes you just have to step out of your own way and miracles unfold”
It is so relevant to this post. I am a lonely wolf. The qualities laid out about yourself deeply resonate. I make friends easily yet, maintaining them scares the hell out of me. Putting yourself out there, planning a get together, asking someone to join you for dinner out, or just come over and be a house cat with you and watch a movie makes you feel vulnerable to your fear of rejection. Your feelings of “not good enough” feed into that fear. So you stop asking, you start isolating, and the fear held within your vulnerability breeds.
When I had to put aside the substances to gain control over my mental health my “closest friends, my ride or dies” stopped asking me to hang out and stopped answering my calls and texts. I wasn’t fun anymore. My chosen told me “our vibe is just off”. Claimed she felt “betrayed” because I couldn’t party for 3 days for her 40th. It took me upwards of a year to stop crying.
So I started telling myself and others that I was happier being the lone wolf because no friends are better than fake ones. If they can’t handle me at my worst they dont deserve my best blah blah blah. The truth? I’m scared as hell to let myself fall forward because the pain, anger and hurt became my friends, family, my stability. Letting go of all of it so you can move forward is something I’m terrified of. Maybe it is also something we can learn to do together here.
I had such similar experiences when I stopped drinking, I think it's the rule, not the exception, to go through something similar to what you describe. After writing this, I went out and fell forward a tiny bit. Sending you a lot of tenderness.
That’s amazing Holly! Sending you a lot of tenderness as you continue to let go and fall forward a little at a time ❤️
Maybe it is the feeling of freedom that is so frightening because I truly have no idea what being free feels like. I have carried the weight of my history my childhood trauma and the abuse I endured by a “parent” and the resulting sadness anger anxiety and all of the other “ands” throughout my (almost) 44 years. That is truly sad isn’t it? To be afraid of feeling freedom from what no longer serves you.
I was worrying about the same thing with a friend (on the phone haha) recently and she said, “It’s not that you couldn’t have a big circle of friends, you just keep a tight edit.” Made me feel better…
I love this. Glennon has a great podcast about friendships and sort of attributes there not being a socially acceptable way to plutonicly “break up” it made me think...
Holly. Truth. I’ve blanked on how I connected with your words. Glad. Very. I have. Who the fuck has 460,000 followers ? Hollow road lacking intimacy. I’m 71. Have lived thru multiple dark times . Perhaps why I am able to enjoy my alone ness and chose my friends selectively. I’m married 42 years and raised 3 fascinating children. All of whom live hundreds of miles from me. I too am a writer. Non fiction (tried in vain fantasy. ) my deepest relationships have been my black Labrador retrievers . Constant companion. Wherever we go, park, beach, outdoor restaurants there’s a community of people. You might say I’m content in a crowd of strangers. I’m one of 6 daughters. None I trust or feel need to be with. Chaotic Beverly Hills Ca upbringing is enough to set one apart. I did and escaped at 21 to nyc and beyond. Yup ! I’m a vagabond and I think your writing is powerful, honest and refreshing.
Oh reading this is like taking a breath on so many, many levels. What a beautiful perspective, and a beautiful life. Thank you for sharing and for a really incredible compliment. I don’t know if you mean it was a fantasy to write fiction or you tried to write fantasy, but I too have a fantasy about writing fantasy :)
Holly No. I have tried to write fiction. I fail ! Did Hemingway write fantasy? Well he made a pretty fine attempts. I’m too sardonic. Your brevity and clear expression is very much like Ernest H. That is in my humble op a compliment….. Jenn
Hey Holly just want to start out saying every time I read something you wrote I think fuck I love her writing. This piece on friendships rang so true to my heart. Like it makes me feel bad that I don’t have a “girl squad” like Taylor Swift. I’m a lone wolf but I have come to mostly happily except that about myself. I remember walking the halls in high school by myself and feeling embarrassed I wasn’t with a gang of girls. I’m older now and cherish the few great friends I have.
Same all around on this. Even though I don’t know about Taylor swift I do know when I see others that have that thing it makes me look twice. I’m loving that the predominant response is “this too is good.” Thanks for this Lorraine.
Thanks for posting this… made me reflect on what’s behind my group social anxiety, and connect it with other hesitations :)
♥️ There’s a great comment about this exactly (sjv). Thanks for this.
Thank you for your refreshing honesty.
Do you recommend the Carr book? I seem to remember references you’ve made to it before, and I am finally on my beginning journey of sobriety after many many years putting it off.
I absolutely do, but be sure to look up the title the easy way to control alcohol, I read later versions and they weren't as clear. I think, for me, it was important to keep reading about alcohol in this specific way, demystifying it. I like Annie Grace's books (both the original naked mind and the 30 day one) as well for the same reason. I also recommend my book 😭
Carrs book is excellent and also Kick the drink by Jason Vale :) good luck!👍🍀
yes Jason Vale's book is so great. Also, Alcohol Explained by William Porter.
Yes! I read that one too. Your tip on continuing to read certain types of books is spot on. These titles, (and QLAW, of course :) all do a great job at knocking down our beliefs of what we think alcohol does vs what it actually does. While I enjoy a memoir, my brain was the most impacted by this counter information to what I thought to be true. I no longer look at folks who drink with envy but gratitude that all the systems in my body do not have to deal with that toxin. Thanks Holly!
Holly, I have followed you around for years. I am much older than you. I have had a much longer amount of time to learn/ unlearn and gain insight, and wisdom. Hasn’t happened. When I read this,,like many other writings you have generously shared ,I am taken back by your thoughts. You are inside my head and my heart and express thoughts and feelings I have never been able to. I know that we are still just trying to figure it out. I am grateful that you are “there” at this stage of your life, and not looking back at my age still saying what the fuck.
I am fortunate to have found you and I send you sincere gratitude for sharing your journey. There is no one quite like you.
Pat
this went straight to my heart. Thank you Pat.
How timely. I grew up a loner, lived by my grandma's saying "better alone than in bad company." I used to think I was an extrovert-- I found my footing in the world after I went to boarding school in HS-- but as I entered adulthood and now being sober, I realize that's so far from the truth. I love my own company. It was hard to get used to the isolation during COVID-- because it was not our choice, but leaving my non-profit admin work last year, and with that leaving alcohol behind once and for all, I digging my recluse life. Yet I don't want to die without a community.
I was contacted by a friend the other day, informing me that a once-close friend of mine had passed. Edsel was found by his super in his apartment. God knows how longe he had been dead. One of his friends could not get through to him on the phone and eventually sought him out, only to find his apartment padlocked. He has one next of kin alive, a niece in Detroit who is living in the house he inherited after his father passed a few years back. No one knows her name or how to locate her. We last spoke after a mutual friend past, many months ago. During that call, Edsel encouraged me to keep in touch, last time I called and left a voicemail was 3 months ago. He never returned my call. Edsel was a great human who also happened to be an alcoholic and always a loner, which worsened with his father's death, the pandemic and his early retirement. Such as a sad story.
Oh Chris. Thank you for sharing your experience, and talking about Edsel. There's really no words for that kind of heartbreak, all I know is it makes me believe a better world is possible where no one ever falls through any crack.
Oh Chris. Thank you for sharing your experience, and talking about Edsel. There's really no words for that kind of heartbreak, all I know is it makes me believe a better world is possible where no one ever falls through any crack.