Oh Holly, I'm so with you on this. I make friends easily, socialize comfortably, and yet I'm a "lone wolf". But at 64, I've decided it's just the way I'm hard wired. Yes, I feel lonely sometimes, but that's not the worst feeling in the world. Especially when I read what you just wrote and know there are lots of us lone wolves out there. Maybe we should celebrate how we are instead of saying we "shouldn't be that way". 💕
Great questions!! Same with me, epic phone calls with long-term besties are easy, but no friend groups.... and that too is an ADHD thing, at least for me. Group convos were always hard for me to gracefully participate in, it might be a brain-function/focus thing, that "switching" function that is so miserable for ADHDers. I also recently realized that when I started drinking (at 17) was the first time I ever felt comfortable in groups. I've apparently relied on alchohol to be at ease in groups my entire adulthood (I'm now 51, newly sober). Even though the next day I always woke up mortified at being so relaxed and open in front of mere acquantences. I went to a cocktail party sober a week before xmas, my first time ever doing this, and it was ok, but yeah it takes huge EFFORT to converse with a group.
As for adulting with ADHD, yeah I too have built up my organizing skills and I truly enjoy tidiness... but I'm still late to everything, no matter how hard I try to change it.
i dont know much about friendship groups just for the sake of hanging out--- what i do know is that i dance in a group and i practice yoga in a group and attend church in a group and meet other potters in a group and study anti-racism in a group and recover from alcoholism in a group and cook community dinner in a group and plan mardi gras parades in a group &&& the list goes on but what i mean here is that Groups with Purpose do create friendships incidentally and beautifully. Less focus on each other and more on the goal, whatever it is we care about or want to do. and those relationships just ebb and flow as they will. my learning about this was a combination of praying to be in community and just being in new orleans which does this particularly well. i hope you find what you are looking for!
We’re fed a story about the middle aged woman with a solid crew of homies, they speed walk together, brunch together, travel together... I think this is anomaly and not the norm.. we grow and stray and partner and divorce and move and raise children and animals and recover from cancer and get sober and care for parents and pay bills and plant gardens and change jobs and become a morning person and grieve loss... none of this is conducive to maintain a crew of homies. I think of it as a target with concentric circles and people move in and out of the inner circle. I don’t necessarily want to invite all the people in my inner circle to a party together. Weird. They don’t know each other. But they know OF each other. Gathering them would feel like I’m at my own funeral.
My father, born in the World War II era, in Eastern Europe told me when I made a really great friend in college, that I was blessed to have this one solid person and to be grateful and cherish the relationship. Years later, when I made another amazing friend, my father told me how absolutely lucky I was to have these two people in my life - he made it seem like I found 4-leaf clovers! He had a look of amazement and astonishment, as to how lucky I was. Both of these friendships are now over 30 years and we live on different coast, but because he engrained in me, I see any other relationship on top of these two as a blessing upon a blessing and am humbled and feel lucky. I passed the concept along to my kids... sending love to everybody on this thread.
Thank you Holly for naming something so strong in me.i felt felled by your newsletter actually but now with a little space I can also see a complete blindness to the patterns of being enmeshed in relationships and communities that were not aligned with living with joy and acceptance either. In recent years there has been a tremendous shedding of people in my life through my first serious boundary setting ever which at 60 is a bit embarrassing and to be honest there is pretty much no one who has survived the inner circle test..no lover, no family, no friends and whilst i feel sad about that, in a way I don't. It tells me I have been living a lie to myself, accepting second rate friendships and appalling toxic family relationships and actually it also tells me I am in gestation before a healthier set of relationships can form. And I am apprehensive about some things but what has fallen away from me is the sense of shame for being alone...I can see I have needed the experiences I have had in recent years to see the truth of people's complete lack of commitment to me one of which has been my unwillingness to ask for help because I knew subconsciously that that would be denied and I wasn't prepared to see the truth.
Your article hit a nerve. Being unable to form a community has been a development of my later years. I feel almost lazy, fearful, and sad about it all at the same time.
Re: having ADHD and forcing yourself to do things that are fucking impossible: this is me getting out of the house and to work in the morning with two little kids! All of the plans in the world don’t make me time aware at 6:00 am, so I set a bajillion reminders and that has ....helped. It’s so stressful and unpleasant to rush, and it’s not my natural morning state 😑 but it’s been worth it, because I can’t be late to work (teacher).
I am also a tornado person, and I’m trying to reign it in bc I don’t want my kids to grow up in squalor. I haven’t really found my deep motivation though, bc I’m still a tornado person, just futilely trying to contain the chaos 😂
A few minutes before I read your email I saw an “affirmation” and thought Holly would like this one.
“Don't worry about how it will happen, focus on making it happen with the support and guidance of the Universe.
Sometimes you just have to step out of your own way and miracles unfold”
It is so relevant to this post. I am a lonely wolf. The qualities laid out about yourself deeply resonate. I make friends easily yet, maintaining them scares the hell out of me. Putting yourself out there, planning a get together, asking someone to join you for dinner out, or just come over and be a house cat with you and watch a movie makes you feel vulnerable to your fear of rejection. Your feelings of “not good enough” feed into that fear. So you stop asking, you start isolating, and the fear held within your vulnerability breeds.
When I had to put aside the substances to gain control over my mental health my “closest friends, my ride or dies” stopped asking me to hang out and stopped answering my calls and texts. I wasn’t fun anymore. My chosen told me “our vibe is just off”. Claimed she felt “betrayed” because I couldn’t party for 3 days for her 40th. It took me upwards of a year to stop crying.
So I started telling myself and others that I was happier being the lone wolf because no friends are better than fake ones. If they can’t handle me at my worst they dont deserve my best blah blah blah. The truth? I’m scared as hell to let myself fall forward because the pain, anger and hurt became my friends, family, my stability. Letting go of all of it so you can move forward is something I’m terrified of. Maybe it is also something we can learn to do together here.
I was worrying about the same thing with a friend (on the phone haha) recently and she said, “It’s not that you couldn’t have a big circle of friends, you just keep a tight edit.” Made me feel better…
Hey Holly just want to start out saying every time I read something you wrote I think fuck I love her writing. This piece on friendships rang so true to my heart. Like it makes me feel bad that I don’t have a “girl squad” like Taylor Swift. I’m a lone wolf but I have come to mostly happily except that about myself. I remember walking the halls in high school by myself and feeling embarrassed I wasn’t with a gang of girls. I’m older now and cherish the few great friends I have.
Do you recommend the Carr book? I seem to remember references you’ve made to it before, and I am finally on my beginning journey of sobriety after many many years putting it off.
Holly. Truth. I’ve blanked on how I connected with your words. Glad. Very. I have. Who the fuck has 460,000 followers ? Hollow road lacking intimacy. I’m 71. Have lived thru multiple dark times . Perhaps why I am able to enjoy my alone ness and chose my friends selectively. I’m married 42 years and raised 3 fascinating children. All of whom live hundreds of miles from me. I too am a writer. Non fiction (tried in vain fantasy. ) my deepest relationships have been my black Labrador retrievers . Constant companion. Wherever we go, park, beach, outdoor restaurants there’s a community of people. You might say I’m content in a crowd of strangers. I’m one of 6 daughters. None I trust or feel need to be with. Chaotic Beverly Hills Ca upbringing is enough to set one apart. I did and escaped at 21 to nyc and beyond. Yup ! I’m a vagabond and I think your writing is powerful, honest and refreshing.
Holly, I have followed you around for years. I am much older than you. I have had a much longer amount of time to learn/ unlearn and gain insight, and wisdom. Hasn’t happened. When I read this,,like many other writings you have generously shared ,I am taken back by your thoughts. You are inside my head and my heart and express thoughts and feelings I have never been able to. I know that we are still just trying to figure it out. I am grateful that you are “there” at this stage of your life, and not looking back at my age still saying what the fuck.
I am fortunate to have found you and I send you sincere gratitude for sharing your journey. There is no one quite like you.
How timely. I grew up a loner, lived by my grandma's saying "better alone than in bad company." I used to think I was an extrovert-- I found my footing in the world after I went to boarding school in HS-- but as I entered adulthood and now being sober, I realize that's so far from the truth. I love my own company. It was hard to get used to the isolation during COVID-- because it was not our choice, but leaving my non-profit admin work last year, and with that leaving alcohol behind once and for all, I digging my recluse life. Yet I don't want to die without a community.
I was contacted by a friend the other day, informing me that a once-close friend of mine had passed. Edsel was found by his super in his apartment. God knows how longe he had been dead. One of his friends could not get through to him on the phone and eventually sought him out, only to find his apartment padlocked. He has one next of kin alive, a niece in Detroit who is living in the house he inherited after his father passed a few years back. No one knows her name or how to locate her. We last spoke after a mutual friend past, many months ago. During that call, Edsel encouraged me to keep in touch, last time I called and left a voicemail was 3 months ago. He never returned my call. Edsel was a great human who also happened to be an alcoholic and always a loner, which worsened with his father's death, the pandemic and his early retirement. Such as a sad story.
Oh Holly, I'm so with you on this. I make friends easily, socialize comfortably, and yet I'm a "lone wolf". But at 64, I've decided it's just the way I'm hard wired. Yes, I feel lonely sometimes, but that's not the worst feeling in the world. Especially when I read what you just wrote and know there are lots of us lone wolves out there. Maybe we should celebrate how we are instead of saying we "shouldn't be that way". 💕
Great questions!! Same with me, epic phone calls with long-term besties are easy, but no friend groups.... and that too is an ADHD thing, at least for me. Group convos were always hard for me to gracefully participate in, it might be a brain-function/focus thing, that "switching" function that is so miserable for ADHDers. I also recently realized that when I started drinking (at 17) was the first time I ever felt comfortable in groups. I've apparently relied on alchohol to be at ease in groups my entire adulthood (I'm now 51, newly sober). Even though the next day I always woke up mortified at being so relaxed and open in front of mere acquantences. I went to a cocktail party sober a week before xmas, my first time ever doing this, and it was ok, but yeah it takes huge EFFORT to converse with a group.
As for adulting with ADHD, yeah I too have built up my organizing skills and I truly enjoy tidiness... but I'm still late to everything, no matter how hard I try to change it.
i dont know much about friendship groups just for the sake of hanging out--- what i do know is that i dance in a group and i practice yoga in a group and attend church in a group and meet other potters in a group and study anti-racism in a group and recover from alcoholism in a group and cook community dinner in a group and plan mardi gras parades in a group &&& the list goes on but what i mean here is that Groups with Purpose do create friendships incidentally and beautifully. Less focus on each other and more on the goal, whatever it is we care about or want to do. and those relationships just ebb and flow as they will. my learning about this was a combination of praying to be in community and just being in new orleans which does this particularly well. i hope you find what you are looking for!
We’re fed a story about the middle aged woman with a solid crew of homies, they speed walk together, brunch together, travel together... I think this is anomaly and not the norm.. we grow and stray and partner and divorce and move and raise children and animals and recover from cancer and get sober and care for parents and pay bills and plant gardens and change jobs and become a morning person and grieve loss... none of this is conducive to maintain a crew of homies. I think of it as a target with concentric circles and people move in and out of the inner circle. I don’t necessarily want to invite all the people in my inner circle to a party together. Weird. They don’t know each other. But they know OF each other. Gathering them would feel like I’m at my own funeral.
My father, born in the World War II era, in Eastern Europe told me when I made a really great friend in college, that I was blessed to have this one solid person and to be grateful and cherish the relationship. Years later, when I made another amazing friend, my father told me how absolutely lucky I was to have these two people in my life - he made it seem like I found 4-leaf clovers! He had a look of amazement and astonishment, as to how lucky I was. Both of these friendships are now over 30 years and we live on different coast, but because he engrained in me, I see any other relationship on top of these two as a blessing upon a blessing and am humbled and feel lucky. I passed the concept along to my kids... sending love to everybody on this thread.
Thank you Holly for naming something so strong in me.i felt felled by your newsletter actually but now with a little space I can also see a complete blindness to the patterns of being enmeshed in relationships and communities that were not aligned with living with joy and acceptance either. In recent years there has been a tremendous shedding of people in my life through my first serious boundary setting ever which at 60 is a bit embarrassing and to be honest there is pretty much no one who has survived the inner circle test..no lover, no family, no friends and whilst i feel sad about that, in a way I don't. It tells me I have been living a lie to myself, accepting second rate friendships and appalling toxic family relationships and actually it also tells me I am in gestation before a healthier set of relationships can form. And I am apprehensive about some things but what has fallen away from me is the sense of shame for being alone...I can see I have needed the experiences I have had in recent years to see the truth of people's complete lack of commitment to me one of which has been my unwillingness to ask for help because I knew subconsciously that that would be denied and I wasn't prepared to see the truth.
Your article hit a nerve. Being unable to form a community has been a development of my later years. I feel almost lazy, fearful, and sad about it all at the same time.
Re: having ADHD and forcing yourself to do things that are fucking impossible: this is me getting out of the house and to work in the morning with two little kids! All of the plans in the world don’t make me time aware at 6:00 am, so I set a bajillion reminders and that has ....helped. It’s so stressful and unpleasant to rush, and it’s not my natural morning state 😑 but it’s been worth it, because I can’t be late to work (teacher).
I am also a tornado person, and I’m trying to reign it in bc I don’t want my kids to grow up in squalor. I haven’t really found my deep motivation though, bc I’m still a tornado person, just futilely trying to contain the chaos 😂
I forget the question
A few minutes before I read your email I saw an “affirmation” and thought Holly would like this one.
“Don't worry about how it will happen, focus on making it happen with the support and guidance of the Universe.
Sometimes you just have to step out of your own way and miracles unfold”
It is so relevant to this post. I am a lonely wolf. The qualities laid out about yourself deeply resonate. I make friends easily yet, maintaining them scares the hell out of me. Putting yourself out there, planning a get together, asking someone to join you for dinner out, or just come over and be a house cat with you and watch a movie makes you feel vulnerable to your fear of rejection. Your feelings of “not good enough” feed into that fear. So you stop asking, you start isolating, and the fear held within your vulnerability breeds.
When I had to put aside the substances to gain control over my mental health my “closest friends, my ride or dies” stopped asking me to hang out and stopped answering my calls and texts. I wasn’t fun anymore. My chosen told me “our vibe is just off”. Claimed she felt “betrayed” because I couldn’t party for 3 days for her 40th. It took me upwards of a year to stop crying.
So I started telling myself and others that I was happier being the lone wolf because no friends are better than fake ones. If they can’t handle me at my worst they dont deserve my best blah blah blah. The truth? I’m scared as hell to let myself fall forward because the pain, anger and hurt became my friends, family, my stability. Letting go of all of it so you can move forward is something I’m terrified of. Maybe it is also something we can learn to do together here.
I was worrying about the same thing with a friend (on the phone haha) recently and she said, “It’s not that you couldn’t have a big circle of friends, you just keep a tight edit.” Made me feel better…
Hey Holly just want to start out saying every time I read something you wrote I think fuck I love her writing. This piece on friendships rang so true to my heart. Like it makes me feel bad that I don’t have a “girl squad” like Taylor Swift. I’m a lone wolf but I have come to mostly happily except that about myself. I remember walking the halls in high school by myself and feeling embarrassed I wasn’t with a gang of girls. I’m older now and cherish the few great friends I have.
Thanks for posting this… made me reflect on what’s behind my group social anxiety, and connect it with other hesitations :)
Thank you for your refreshing honesty.
Do you recommend the Carr book? I seem to remember references you’ve made to it before, and I am finally on my beginning journey of sobriety after many many years putting it off.
Holly. Truth. I’ve blanked on how I connected with your words. Glad. Very. I have. Who the fuck has 460,000 followers ? Hollow road lacking intimacy. I’m 71. Have lived thru multiple dark times . Perhaps why I am able to enjoy my alone ness and chose my friends selectively. I’m married 42 years and raised 3 fascinating children. All of whom live hundreds of miles from me. I too am a writer. Non fiction (tried in vain fantasy. ) my deepest relationships have been my black Labrador retrievers . Constant companion. Wherever we go, park, beach, outdoor restaurants there’s a community of people. You might say I’m content in a crowd of strangers. I’m one of 6 daughters. None I trust or feel need to be with. Chaotic Beverly Hills Ca upbringing is enough to set one apart. I did and escaped at 21 to nyc and beyond. Yup ! I’m a vagabond and I think your writing is powerful, honest and refreshing.
Holly, I have followed you around for years. I am much older than you. I have had a much longer amount of time to learn/ unlearn and gain insight, and wisdom. Hasn’t happened. When I read this,,like many other writings you have generously shared ,I am taken back by your thoughts. You are inside my head and my heart and express thoughts and feelings I have never been able to. I know that we are still just trying to figure it out. I am grateful that you are “there” at this stage of your life, and not looking back at my age still saying what the fuck.
I am fortunate to have found you and I send you sincere gratitude for sharing your journey. There is no one quite like you.
Pat
How timely. I grew up a loner, lived by my grandma's saying "better alone than in bad company." I used to think I was an extrovert-- I found my footing in the world after I went to boarding school in HS-- but as I entered adulthood and now being sober, I realize that's so far from the truth. I love my own company. It was hard to get used to the isolation during COVID-- because it was not our choice, but leaving my non-profit admin work last year, and with that leaving alcohol behind once and for all, I digging my recluse life. Yet I don't want to die without a community.
I was contacted by a friend the other day, informing me that a once-close friend of mine had passed. Edsel was found by his super in his apartment. God knows how longe he had been dead. One of his friends could not get through to him on the phone and eventually sought him out, only to find his apartment padlocked. He has one next of kin alive, a niece in Detroit who is living in the house he inherited after his father passed a few years back. No one knows her name or how to locate her. We last spoke after a mutual friend past, many months ago. During that call, Edsel encouraged me to keep in touch, last time I called and left a voicemail was 3 months ago. He never returned my call. Edsel was a great human who also happened to be an alcoholic and always a loner, which worsened with his father's death, the pandemic and his early retirement. Such as a sad story.