Re: having ADHD and forcing yourself to do things that are fucking impossible: this is me getting out of the house and to work in the morning with two little kids! All of the plans in the world don’t make me time aware at 6:00 am, so I set a bajillion reminders and that has ....helped. It’s so stressful and unpleasant to rush, and it’s not my natural morning state 😑 but it’s been worth it, because I can’t be late to work (teacher).
I am also a tornado person, and I’m trying to reign it in bc I don’t want my kids to grow up in squalor. I haven’t really found my deep motivation though, bc I’m still a tornado person, just futilely trying to contain the chaos 😂
Oh Holly, I'm so with you on this. I make friends easily, socialize comfortably, and yet I'm a "lone wolf". But at 64, I've decided it's just the way I'm hard wired. Yes, I feel lonely sometimes, but that's not the worst feeling in the world. Especially when I read what you just wrote and know there are lots of us lone wolves out there. Maybe we should celebrate how we are instead of saying we "shouldn't be that way". 💕
Great questions!! Same with me, epic phone calls with long-term besties are easy, but no friend groups.... and that too is an ADHD thing, at least for me. Group convos were always hard for me to gracefully participate in, it might be a brain-function/focus thing, that "switching" function that is so miserable for ADHDers. I also recently realized that when I started drinking (at 17) was the first time I ever felt comfortable in groups. I've apparently relied on alchohol to be at ease in groups my entire adulthood (I'm now 51, newly sober). Even though the next day I always woke up mortified at being so relaxed and open in front of mere acquantences. I went to a cocktail party sober a week before xmas, my first time ever doing this, and it was ok, but yeah it takes huge EFFORT to converse with a group.
As for adulting with ADHD, yeah I too have built up my organizing skills and I truly enjoy tidiness... but I'm still late to everything, no matter how hard I try to change it.
Your article hit a nerve. Being unable to form a community has been a development of my later years. I feel almost lazy, fearful, and sad about it all at the same time.
Hey Holly just want to start out saying every time I read something you wrote I think fuck I love her writing. This piece on friendships rang so true to my heart. Like it makes me feel bad that I don’t have a “girl squad” like Taylor Swift. I’m a lone wolf but I have come to mostly happily except that about myself. I remember walking the halls in high school by myself and feeling embarrassed I wasn’t with a gang of girls. I’m older now and cherish the few great friends I have.
This post spoke to me so much and seeing the comments makes me realize that I am not alone in feeling and being this way. I have always attributed my “lack” of friends to our move from Germany to the US when I was 16. Going from a big, fun social group to not speaking the language and turning inward - and then that’s just the way it stayed. I sometimes feel lonely too but overall I just think that it is what it is. 🤷🏻♀️
Jan 21, 2023·edited Jan 21, 2023Liked by Holly Whitaker
As to whether we can let ourselves be or use compensating practices, I have worked with an ADHD coach on figuring out which things I can do to do to sort of unleash my best bits. It feels less like compensating and more like setting myself up not to yell at myself.
Like, having a morning checklist I can use a dry erase marker on means I will stay focused get things done. So I can have time to check on my people, instead of doing random stuff (like propagating succulents at 6:45 am because???) and then yelling at myself all day about being an asshole because I forgot to eat breakfast or put the dishes away. I HIGHLY recommend ADHD coaches. And mine. She is amazing. https://adhdfreedom.com/
Holly. Truth. I’ve blanked on how I connected with your words. Glad. Very. I have. Who the fuck has 460,000 followers ? Hollow road lacking intimacy. I’m 71. Have lived thru multiple dark times . Perhaps why I am able to enjoy my alone ness and chose my friends selectively. I’m married 42 years and raised 3 fascinating children. All of whom live hundreds of miles from me. I too am a writer. Non fiction (tried in vain fantasy. ) my deepest relationships have been my black Labrador retrievers . Constant companion. Wherever we go, park, beach, outdoor restaurants there’s a community of people. You might say I’m content in a crowd of strangers. I’m one of 6 daughters. None I trust or feel need to be with. Chaotic Beverly Hills Ca upbringing is enough to set one apart. I did and escaped at 21 to nyc and beyond. Yup ! I’m a vagabond and I think your writing is powerful, honest and refreshing.
This "..the risks associated with creating the kind of connection I crave and need. " why is everything so risky for us? I see my bf make friends at the gym instantly then there's me. Is it a female thing? we crave all the community and connection then get so caught up in the risks so we talk ourselves out of forming friendships? I'm glad I'm not alone in this but I feel sad we all feel alone in this. Again, Holly, I love your words and your truth.
If you’re in LA, come sit with us at Angel City Zen Center sometime. It’s a community of lone wolf types -- just people practicing *being* in close proximity to each other.
Do you recommend the Carr book? I seem to remember references you’ve made to it before, and I am finally on my beginning journey of sobriety after many many years putting it off.
Thank you Holly for naming something so strong in me.i felt felled by your newsletter actually but now with a little space I can also see a complete blindness to the patterns of being enmeshed in relationships and communities that were not aligned with living with joy and acceptance either. In recent years there has been a tremendous shedding of people in my life through my first serious boundary setting ever which at 60 is a bit embarrassing and to be honest there is pretty much no one who has survived the inner circle test..no lover, no family, no friends and whilst i feel sad about that, in a way I don't. It tells me I have been living a lie to myself, accepting second rate friendships and appalling toxic family relationships and actually it also tells me I am in gestation before a healthier set of relationships can form. And I am apprehensive about some things but what has fallen away from me is the sense of shame for being alone...I can see I have needed the experiences I have had in recent years to see the truth of people's complete lack of commitment to me one of which has been my unwillingness to ask for help because I knew subconsciously that that would be denied and I wasn't prepared to see the truth.
Oh, fuck, holly. I couldn’t read this fast enough. The idea of maybe “I’m not worth the trouble.” Fucking righttttt onnnn.
I would come to every one of your parties. ilysm.
Re: having ADHD and forcing yourself to do things that are fucking impossible: this is me getting out of the house and to work in the morning with two little kids! All of the plans in the world don’t make me time aware at 6:00 am, so I set a bajillion reminders and that has ....helped. It’s so stressful and unpleasant to rush, and it’s not my natural morning state 😑 but it’s been worth it, because I can’t be late to work (teacher).
I am also a tornado person, and I’m trying to reign it in bc I don’t want my kids to grow up in squalor. I haven’t really found my deep motivation though, bc I’m still a tornado person, just futilely trying to contain the chaos 😂
I forget the question
Oh Holly, I'm so with you on this. I make friends easily, socialize comfortably, and yet I'm a "lone wolf". But at 64, I've decided it's just the way I'm hard wired. Yes, I feel lonely sometimes, but that's not the worst feeling in the world. Especially when I read what you just wrote and know there are lots of us lone wolves out there. Maybe we should celebrate how we are instead of saying we "shouldn't be that way". 💕
Great questions!! Same with me, epic phone calls with long-term besties are easy, but no friend groups.... and that too is an ADHD thing, at least for me. Group convos were always hard for me to gracefully participate in, it might be a brain-function/focus thing, that "switching" function that is so miserable for ADHDers. I also recently realized that when I started drinking (at 17) was the first time I ever felt comfortable in groups. I've apparently relied on alchohol to be at ease in groups my entire adulthood (I'm now 51, newly sober). Even though the next day I always woke up mortified at being so relaxed and open in front of mere acquantences. I went to a cocktail party sober a week before xmas, my first time ever doing this, and it was ok, but yeah it takes huge EFFORT to converse with a group.
As for adulting with ADHD, yeah I too have built up my organizing skills and I truly enjoy tidiness... but I'm still late to everything, no matter how hard I try to change it.
Your article hit a nerve. Being unable to form a community has been a development of my later years. I feel almost lazy, fearful, and sad about it all at the same time.
Thanks for posting this… made me reflect on what’s behind my group social anxiety, and connect it with other hesitations :)
Hey Holly just want to start out saying every time I read something you wrote I think fuck I love her writing. This piece on friendships rang so true to my heart. Like it makes me feel bad that I don’t have a “girl squad” like Taylor Swift. I’m a lone wolf but I have come to mostly happily except that about myself. I remember walking the halls in high school by myself and feeling embarrassed I wasn’t with a gang of girls. I’m older now and cherish the few great friends I have.
This post spoke to me so much and seeing the comments makes me realize that I am not alone in feeling and being this way. I have always attributed my “lack” of friends to our move from Germany to the US when I was 16. Going from a big, fun social group to not speaking the language and turning inward - and then that’s just the way it stayed. I sometimes feel lonely too but overall I just think that it is what it is. 🤷🏻♀️
As to whether we can let ourselves be or use compensating practices, I have worked with an ADHD coach on figuring out which things I can do to do to sort of unleash my best bits. It feels less like compensating and more like setting myself up not to yell at myself.
Like, having a morning checklist I can use a dry erase marker on means I will stay focused get things done. So I can have time to check on my people, instead of doing random stuff (like propagating succulents at 6:45 am because???) and then yelling at myself all day about being an asshole because I forgot to eat breakfast or put the dishes away. I HIGHLY recommend ADHD coaches. And mine. She is amazing. https://adhdfreedom.com/
Holly. Truth. I’ve blanked on how I connected with your words. Glad. Very. I have. Who the fuck has 460,000 followers ? Hollow road lacking intimacy. I’m 71. Have lived thru multiple dark times . Perhaps why I am able to enjoy my alone ness and chose my friends selectively. I’m married 42 years and raised 3 fascinating children. All of whom live hundreds of miles from me. I too am a writer. Non fiction (tried in vain fantasy. ) my deepest relationships have been my black Labrador retrievers . Constant companion. Wherever we go, park, beach, outdoor restaurants there’s a community of people. You might say I’m content in a crowd of strangers. I’m one of 6 daughters. None I trust or feel need to be with. Chaotic Beverly Hills Ca upbringing is enough to set one apart. I did and escaped at 21 to nyc and beyond. Yup ! I’m a vagabond and I think your writing is powerful, honest and refreshing.
This "..the risks associated with creating the kind of connection I crave and need. " why is everything so risky for us? I see my bf make friends at the gym instantly then there's me. Is it a female thing? we crave all the community and connection then get so caught up in the risks so we talk ourselves out of forming friendships? I'm glad I'm not alone in this but I feel sad we all feel alone in this. Again, Holly, I love your words and your truth.
If you’re in LA, come sit with us at Angel City Zen Center sometime. It’s a community of lone wolf types -- just people practicing *being* in close proximity to each other.
Thank you for your refreshing honesty.
Do you recommend the Carr book? I seem to remember references you’ve made to it before, and I am finally on my beginning journey of sobriety after many many years putting it off.
Thank you Holly for naming something so strong in me.i felt felled by your newsletter actually but now with a little space I can also see a complete blindness to the patterns of being enmeshed in relationships and communities that were not aligned with living with joy and acceptance either. In recent years there has been a tremendous shedding of people in my life through my first serious boundary setting ever which at 60 is a bit embarrassing and to be honest there is pretty much no one who has survived the inner circle test..no lover, no family, no friends and whilst i feel sad about that, in a way I don't. It tells me I have been living a lie to myself, accepting second rate friendships and appalling toxic family relationships and actually it also tells me I am in gestation before a healthier set of relationships can form. And I am apprehensive about some things but what has fallen away from me is the sense of shame for being alone...I can see I have needed the experiences I have had in recent years to see the truth of people's complete lack of commitment to me one of which has been my unwillingness to ask for help because I knew subconsciously that that would be denied and I wasn't prepared to see the truth.