The plight of trying to be an authentic yet ever-evolving writer. Our work is only actually *us* for a moment. That’s why I love substack so much... write it, send and onto the next!
I start planning my packing weeks in advance. It’s absurd/embarrassing the amount of time I spend planning outfits and organizing packing cubes. I get anxious about choosing correctly and anticipating needs. It’s like I’m solving a riddle- who will I be on this trip? The answer is me. I should just pack what I’d normally wear. Basically two athleisure outfits. I still end up packing clothes that will come home unworn 🤷🏻♀️ 🙃 I did stop packing three books and that has helped lighten the load. Goddess bless us. 🧳 ✈️
god I love this so much because it kind of shows you that even if we're the thing we think we're supposed to be (which in my case, is you) it's still hard. I never, ever wear 70% of what I bring. Bless us so much
I loved reading this. Travel is so magical and messy in its own right. It makes me notice all the ways I’m on autopilot in my own life because there is no routine and no absolutes, from coffee to bathrooms, to weather, to smells, its 100% groundlessness. A daily experiment, so many surprises. Also, i think Bob Seger may have actually meant to sing “Working on my night cheese”. ❤️
Omg- I thought *for sure* that was a Holly Original. Hilarious that Seger covered a Liz Lemon hit. Good for him. Also: Have you considered getting into tv writing? I think you would slay working with someone awesome like Shonda Rimes. Your writing style feels like it could translate into the world of screenplays. Enjoy your time abroad❤️
I lived in Brussels for 8 years, and my near- daily walk to the supermarket brought me right through the city center, always packed with tourists and visitors from around the globe. Tour groups following guides with umbrellas, families, couples with cameras, British stag parties in costumes, all the time. And there were plenty of American tourists dressed how you describe, with weather-appropriate outerwear and new walking shoes. From time to time I would feel jealous that they were experiencing this city in such a leisurely way, in restaurants and through beer tastings before going back to a comfy hotel bed, when I knew the *real* Brussels because I had to live and struggle and survive there (obviously ignoring my own privilege in those envious moments, but the contrasts I saw had truth). But I think what you describe as a "messy" traveler by your/ our/American standards is closer to the normal traveler that I met a hundred times over and that I was when I lived in Europe. Traveling is uncomfortable and we must remain alert in a new situation, which means we're experiencing the world and its people with wide open eyes. To try to package away that discomfort, to keep everything about you the same (as in, closed) when you're somewhere new, is so totally missing the point. Which is to say, I could always pick out the American tourists, and they were never obnoxious like the stereotypes, but when I was thinking clearly, I felt so grateful that none of those constraints applied to me, and I could safely sit on an old church bench with my groceries in hand whenever I wanted and absorb the glory of my surroundings without having to answer to anyone.
Heather thank you for this, that is such a wonderful perspective because you're absolutely right--the imagined ideal (I have) is sanitized and robotic and auto-pilot and maximized. And the reason I do it is to float and see and, as you say, experience the world with eyes wide open, which is exactly what it's been like. "Traveling is uncomfortable and we must remain alert in a new situation." That is so, so good, especially when you translate it to other things. Thanks for this.
I love this. I travel the same way. Always have. In my twenties it was off-the-grid hitchhiking around the country. Since sobriety it’s been very different but also often messy. Like ending up in Spain in 2016 and randomly deciding to walk El Camino de Santiago for a month. My fiancée and I were just discussing ‘how’ to travel in Morocco next month, meaning how much to plan versus just showing up.
I walking the last 116km of the Camino in May, starting in Sarria. The “training” has not been going well but I’m really excited about the challenge. Any top tips?
Thank you for all of this, Holly! As Graham mentioned below, your writing makes many people feel less alone, which is (and you are) truly a gift. Packing is hard (who knows what the weather will be like when you get somewhere or how you will feel when you put the clothes you packed on?), dogs in any country are the best, cheese is delicious, and Wuthering Heights is incredibly annoying, and Catherine and Heathcliff are both horrible people.
Apr 9, 2023·edited Apr 10, 2023Liked by Holly Whitaker
I've been brain toggling about whether to take a few days off of teaching and actually go somewhere. Like, get on a plane, and not plan it, and just do it. I've spent too many days worrying about the mess, and not buying the ticket. This piece felt like a mirror to my thoughts; why am I consumed with "seeing and doing the thing"? Eating the right thing in the right place? The single female solo travel. I felt very empowered by the way this piece was written. It's again this idea of the subtle aggression against who we are...if I don't want to perfectly plan it, if that isn't coming naturally to me (so much as to create a deterrent me from even going), why am I wasting so much time? Buying a roundtrip mess ticket.
I mean that’s one of the ‘upsides’ of how I am, I don’t think, I just go. And I don’t think I’ve ever regretted just going. I hope you have so much fun.
I just clicked on the Michael Kiwanuka link about 5x because that was the album I already had up in Spotfify and I thought that something wasn't working! If you like that I hope you're also listening to Sault and Cleo Sol, all similar DNA.
That Pema quote hits to the core and always instantly melts away so much anxiety when I let it sink in. And you really hit on something here for me with that fantasy of the perfect travel self. Always. every trip. Every time. I haven’t done nearly as much traveling outside of the US as you. I went to Europe once: Paris!! And holy crap the weeks of daydreaming and buying pieces and planning out the outfits for chic Paris me. Hilarious. And then as always a frantic preflight midnight pack cramming 50 lbs of what into my huge suitcase for 4 nights. And of course none of it suited Paris me. I felt awkward and tragically unhip in my understated streamlined international travel gear. Ha! A Derf Paris wasn’t just a giant impossibly chic sidewalk fashion show? It’s full of real people from everywhere in all shades and shapes of imperfect wonderful human realness you say?!! The first day I said F it and spent an afternoon hitting the most amazing thrift shops ever and bought a few outfits for the trip that I never wore again. I rocked an insane pair of patterned hammer pants one day and a funky 80s blazer w cut offs another. Totally random but they suited real ME and Paris me so much better and added to the adventure. Damn I wish I kept that blazer. Travel is a great way to see yourself in a new way and reimagine and broaden your place in the world and understanding of it. The process of the projection and fantasy and then the shattering of the fantasy and awesome realization that real reality is that much better anyway is seemingly always part of the thing for me (ive thought maybe a key part of the experience) but I love how you are suggesting here maybe we could with out the perfect travel me fantasy part, embrace the messiness of it all and skip straight to the good stuff which might also just be regular stuff. I am such a planner and of course the best parts of travel are always the unexpected unplanned random or regular moments. To design a whole trip of this consciously from the git sounds fantastic. Enjoy! And please keep breaking it on down.
This part: The process of the projection and fantasy and then the shattering of the fantasy and awesome realization that real reality is that much better anyway. it’s well said; because that’s it in a way, how it’s just the living that makes it good. Thanks for this Em.
Thanks for your response, Holly. And for helping me process this through your writing because I do think this is important and overall the same lesson I am learning again and again and trying to metabolize to my core, which is that there is no skipping over anything (I see that's not really what you meant either), that this is the process. The illusions come and we smash and stumble through them to find our selves over and over continually. That process and being conscious of it and unashamed, naming it, really does feel like a mini awakening/revelation to my sober self and such a gift. And to ride that wave and laugh and embrace the mess is really living. You are a gift. Thank you!
Lol I take me everywhere with me too. Indeed. Thanks Barbara ♥️
I’m pretty sure your writing helps people feel less alone, and that is a wonderful thing.
❤️❤️👍
Graham, it makes me feel less alone reading notes like this, and I thank you greatly for that.
Worth the wait. 💕
You know I hated it by the time I sent it last night. Thanks Jen. xx
The plight of trying to be an authentic yet ever-evolving writer. Our work is only actually *us* for a moment. That’s why I love substack so much... write it, send and onto the next!
I start planning my packing weeks in advance. It’s absurd/embarrassing the amount of time I spend planning outfits and organizing packing cubes. I get anxious about choosing correctly and anticipating needs. It’s like I’m solving a riddle- who will I be on this trip? The answer is me. I should just pack what I’d normally wear. Basically two athleisure outfits. I still end up packing clothes that will come home unworn 🤷🏻♀️ 🙃 I did stop packing three books and that has helped lighten the load. Goddess bless us. 🧳 ✈️
I do more like three hours in advance 😳
That sounds very reasonable 🙌
god I love this so much because it kind of shows you that even if we're the thing we think we're supposed to be (which in my case, is you) it's still hard. I never, ever wear 70% of what I bring. Bless us so much
Ok, but that album tho!
right?!
I loved reading this. Travel is so magical and messy in its own right. It makes me notice all the ways I’m on autopilot in my own life because there is no routine and no absolutes, from coffee to bathrooms, to weather, to smells, its 100% groundlessness. A daily experiment, so many surprises. Also, i think Bob Seger may have actually meant to sing “Working on my night cheese”. ❤️
Yes 🙌
Yes yes yes, to all of this. Thank you. Also: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xn4QyOoaOIo
Omg- I thought *for sure* that was a Holly Original. Hilarious that Seger covered a Liz Lemon hit. Good for him. Also: Have you considered getting into tv writing? I think you would slay working with someone awesome like Shonda Rimes. Your writing style feels like it could translate into the world of screenplays. Enjoy your time abroad❤️
lol yes all the greats took from Liz. I completely believe I would ruin tv if i wrote it. <3
Hehe- I’d watch :)
Dogs are dogs everywhere and it's beautiful.
I lived in Brussels for 8 years, and my near- daily walk to the supermarket brought me right through the city center, always packed with tourists and visitors from around the globe. Tour groups following guides with umbrellas, families, couples with cameras, British stag parties in costumes, all the time. And there were plenty of American tourists dressed how you describe, with weather-appropriate outerwear and new walking shoes. From time to time I would feel jealous that they were experiencing this city in such a leisurely way, in restaurants and through beer tastings before going back to a comfy hotel bed, when I knew the *real* Brussels because I had to live and struggle and survive there (obviously ignoring my own privilege in those envious moments, but the contrasts I saw had truth). But I think what you describe as a "messy" traveler by your/ our/American standards is closer to the normal traveler that I met a hundred times over and that I was when I lived in Europe. Traveling is uncomfortable and we must remain alert in a new situation, which means we're experiencing the world and its people with wide open eyes. To try to package away that discomfort, to keep everything about you the same (as in, closed) when you're somewhere new, is so totally missing the point. Which is to say, I could always pick out the American tourists, and they were never obnoxious like the stereotypes, but when I was thinking clearly, I felt so grateful that none of those constraints applied to me, and I could safely sit on an old church bench with my groceries in hand whenever I wanted and absorb the glory of my surroundings without having to answer to anyone.
Tl;dr: You're doing traveling right
Yes. Agree. Messy is good travel.
Heather thank you for this, that is such a wonderful perspective because you're absolutely right--the imagined ideal (I have) is sanitized and robotic and auto-pilot and maximized. And the reason I do it is to float and see and, as you say, experience the world with eyes wide open, which is exactly what it's been like. "Traveling is uncomfortable and we must remain alert in a new situation." That is so, so good, especially when you translate it to other things. Thanks for this.
I love every bit of this. Thank you for sharing it.
<3
I love this. I travel the same way. Always have. In my twenties it was off-the-grid hitchhiking around the country. Since sobriety it’s been very different but also often messy. Like ending up in Spain in 2016 and randomly deciding to walk El Camino de Santiago for a month. My fiancée and I were just discussing ‘how’ to travel in Morocco next month, meaning how much to plan versus just showing up.
On sobriety/AA: https://michaelmohr.substack.com/p/misunderstanding-alcoholics-anonymous
Michael Mohr
‘Sincere American Writing’
https://michaelmohr.substack.com/
I love this and the camino is something I want to do, I love that you randomly decided to do it.
Oh you’ve got to do it!!!
I walking the last 116km of the Camino in May, starting in Sarria. The “training” has not been going well but I’m really excited about the challenge. Any top tips?
Nice!!! Enjoy it 🥰
So fucking good, thank you.
<3 Jenevieve
Thank you for all of this, Holly! As Graham mentioned below, your writing makes many people feel less alone, which is (and you are) truly a gift. Packing is hard (who knows what the weather will be like when you get somewhere or how you will feel when you put the clothes you packed on?), dogs in any country are the best, cheese is delicious, and Wuthering Heights is incredibly annoying, and Catherine and Heathcliff are both horrible people.
I was just in puerto viejo biking around and swimming
the most wonderful place. Just biking and swimming and eating fish.
BTW On Photography by Sontag is worth reading if you haven’t yet ! Even better than the podcast
Noted. I have it; it’s in the pile with every other book our friend Stephen recommends. I’ll move it up.
I've been brain toggling about whether to take a few days off of teaching and actually go somewhere. Like, get on a plane, and not plan it, and just do it. I've spent too many days worrying about the mess, and not buying the ticket. This piece felt like a mirror to my thoughts; why am I consumed with "seeing and doing the thing"? Eating the right thing in the right place? The single female solo travel. I felt very empowered by the way this piece was written. It's again this idea of the subtle aggression against who we are...if I don't want to perfectly plan it, if that isn't coming naturally to me (so much as to create a deterrent me from even going), why am I wasting so much time? Buying a roundtrip mess ticket.
I mean that’s one of the ‘upsides’ of how I am, I don’t think, I just go. And I don’t think I’ve ever regretted just going. I hope you have so much fun.
I just clicked on the Michael Kiwanuka link about 5x because that was the album I already had up in Spotfify and I thought that something wasn't working! If you like that I hope you're also listening to Sault and Cleo Sol, all similar DNA.
That’s pretty great ha. There’s one Cleo Sol song (miles song) but I never looked further and never heard of Sault. Ty ♥️
Cleo Sol's "A Rose in the Dark" is my sobriety song. God help anyone near me when it comes on because I soooooob.
Sault is basically Inflo (who co-produced Kiwanuka and helped Michael get that sound) and Cleo Sol with rotating guests including... Michael Kiwanuka!
This is riveting info David. Your sobriety song is revealed! Mine was Players Holiday by Too Short lol. Similar. T
That Pema quote hits to the core and always instantly melts away so much anxiety when I let it sink in. And you really hit on something here for me with that fantasy of the perfect travel self. Always. every trip. Every time. I haven’t done nearly as much traveling outside of the US as you. I went to Europe once: Paris!! And holy crap the weeks of daydreaming and buying pieces and planning out the outfits for chic Paris me. Hilarious. And then as always a frantic preflight midnight pack cramming 50 lbs of what into my huge suitcase for 4 nights. And of course none of it suited Paris me. I felt awkward and tragically unhip in my understated streamlined international travel gear. Ha! A Derf Paris wasn’t just a giant impossibly chic sidewalk fashion show? It’s full of real people from everywhere in all shades and shapes of imperfect wonderful human realness you say?!! The first day I said F it and spent an afternoon hitting the most amazing thrift shops ever and bought a few outfits for the trip that I never wore again. I rocked an insane pair of patterned hammer pants one day and a funky 80s blazer w cut offs another. Totally random but they suited real ME and Paris me so much better and added to the adventure. Damn I wish I kept that blazer. Travel is a great way to see yourself in a new way and reimagine and broaden your place in the world and understanding of it. The process of the projection and fantasy and then the shattering of the fantasy and awesome realization that real reality is that much better anyway is seemingly always part of the thing for me (ive thought maybe a key part of the experience) but I love how you are suggesting here maybe we could with out the perfect travel me fantasy part, embrace the messiness of it all and skip straight to the good stuff which might also just be regular stuff. I am such a planner and of course the best parts of travel are always the unexpected unplanned random or regular moments. To design a whole trip of this consciously from the git sounds fantastic. Enjoy! And please keep breaking it on down.
This part: The process of the projection and fantasy and then the shattering of the fantasy and awesome realization that real reality is that much better anyway. it’s well said; because that’s it in a way, how it’s just the living that makes it good. Thanks for this Em.
Thanks for your response, Holly. And for helping me process this through your writing because I do think this is important and overall the same lesson I am learning again and again and trying to metabolize to my core, which is that there is no skipping over anything (I see that's not really what you meant either), that this is the process. The illusions come and we smash and stumble through them to find our selves over and over continually. That process and being conscious of it and unashamed, naming it, really does feel like a mini awakening/revelation to my sober self and such a gift. And to ride that wave and laugh and embrace the mess is really living. You are a gift. Thank you!