Thank you so much for (as always!) putting so much of what I've been lowkey thinking and feeling into writing. Just spot on. When I missed your writing I scrolled wayyy back in the archives, and also figured you would be writing about this exact thing when you resurfaced, and knew it would be helpful. Thank you! Have been grappling with a terror of "slowing down" becoming too permanent, despite that always being my advice to anyone about anything...slowly starting to face a burgeoning suspicion that perhaps the best thing to do is really just to keep moving. Finding that "doing less" becomes a kind of perfectionism in itself- either does not work or have just not yet found the way to get it to do what it needs to do. (Knowing what that is would probably be a start!)
I'm so excited to see this that I am not even going to read it right now, I'll wait and savor it with my coffee in the morning. When I get an email from you, I feel like you are writing only to me (oh, god, this sounds so co-dependent) and so I am just writing you back to say, honey, don't worry too much about it. I'm glad you're back, and I hate it when you are gone, but hey: artistic process and all that. I KNOW that, and really don't expect you're going to disappear on me. Besides, I was busy in May having COVID, and now I am back in Maine working at fiddle camp and playing with my music friends. You know, sometimes I take a vaction (and a looong one,) from my fiddle. I always feel terrible, ashamed, worthless, incompetent, terrified to start again. And when I start again, there is always a change, an improvement. There is a saying, "You learn to swim in the wintertime, and to iceskate in the summertime." The brain continues to process new skills and consolidate them into muscle memor during periods which appear to be inactivity. So tell me how you are feeling a week or so into the new writing work. I am betting there is a new vigor there. OK, mother is done, here. Make sure you eat a little something and get to bed. Love, Pam
You always seem to know what I need to hear. I missed you - and I noticed you weren’t there. Everyone deserves a break and self care. I have been struggling with this concept as a burned out woman surgeon who worked like a dog to just be perceived as adequate . After COVID and some back issues, I’m pivoting and struggling to care for myself as much as I did/do other people. It is a hard thing - glad to have you back and your insightful essays. Keep at it !
I literally woke up today and thought "Holly. I can't wait to see her name in my inbox again, whenever that is." And then, boom. Thanks. Doesn't matter when or how you show up. We stay.
I DID notice and assumed you were just taking a much needed break. You were missed though! Thank you for the inspiration. I'm really struggling with my sobriety but I always feel like writing it out helps. So, thanks for reminding me that I have this outlet. Love you!
Yay! So glad you’re back and took some well deserved time to Fuck Off! You were missed and I, for one, almost reached out but didn’t want to be that one crazy fangirl. Cannot wait to dive all the way in to the 12 things-thanks Holly-you are appreciated!
'My entire life I’ve been offering gifts to compensate for what I’m not, thinking I have to constantly conjure some value in addition to value, that I have to pay people bonuses because I’m not enough.' UGH - that is so resonant that I feel like I've been punched in the gut - but in the greatest way. I'm just so excited and grateful to read your words whenever you're ready and able to share them. You owe us nothing, but we're so deeply happy that you're here. Thank you for this, I will be returning to it often.
honestly i didn’t notice, but i’m so glad you’re back! and glad you took a break!! i’d happily support your work through whatever break(s) you need to take for yourself! rest is one of the most important parts of continuing to live a creative life. sending you a big hug! 💕
Noticed. Missed you. Support you in doing whatever you most need (or whatever you don't need but choose or want or don't choose but do anyway, etc.). Am grateful for whatever and whenever you decide to share. You've already changed my life, even if you never wrote another thing. (But I hope you continue writing other things.) Thank you, Holly.
I love you so much, honey. This essay, like all of yours (and I'm not exaggerating) resonates on so many levels. I noticed you hadn't written in a bit and thought, "good for her." I'm in awe that you've been able to offer such thoughtful essays week after week. You're a wonder. xoxo
“My entire life I’ve been offering gifts to compensate for what I’m not, thinking I have to constantly conjure some value in addition to value” 🥹 Thank you for these words. So grateful for you.
P.S. I’m loving Touched Out, too! I told Amanda that reading it feels like if Melissa Febos wrote about motherhood. Brilliant.
Thank you for writing this. I did notice you were gone, I loved reading this update. Home podcast saved my ass getting sober almost 7 years ago. Today, I’ve rearranged my whole life, and I sit in an apartment in an under-the-radar tiny town in Vermont, prepping for any amount of rest I need, so that I can yoga, and heal, and mostly so that I can write. No one is writing about marijuana addiction (that I know of at least). I’m over 6 years out of an addiction people will still tell me doesn’t exist. Reading your writing feels like an update from a friend I adore. Thank you, for all the honesty, and messiness, and zig zagging over the years. Until I read again.
I understand how it feels to have an inner voice that criticizes you for taking a break, and I appreciate you sharing your experience with us. It's refreshing to see that you didn't feel the need to apologize or offer any gifts. Your essay has even convinced me to become a paid subscriber. Thank you for your openness and honesty! THANK YOU!
So much of this resonated with me. I am on a very generous severance right now, sleeping in late everyday, enjoying my gardening, and mastering more jigsaw puzzles than you can imagine. It feels lazy on some days and feels incredibly good on other days. I worry that I won't be able to get back to the grind in the same way when I land my next big thing. And maybe, that grind isn't meant to be lifelong? Maybe these long periods of somewhat unstructured time are a gift we need to embrace and let the universe take us where it will.
I'm at a loss for an answer too, Holly. But I don't think either of us are lost.
Thank you so much for (as always!) putting so much of what I've been lowkey thinking and feeling into writing. Just spot on. When I missed your writing I scrolled wayyy back in the archives, and also figured you would be writing about this exact thing when you resurfaced, and knew it would be helpful. Thank you! Have been grappling with a terror of "slowing down" becoming too permanent, despite that always being my advice to anyone about anything...slowly starting to face a burgeoning suspicion that perhaps the best thing to do is really just to keep moving. Finding that "doing less" becomes a kind of perfectionism in itself- either does not work or have just not yet found the way to get it to do what it needs to do. (Knowing what that is would probably be a start!)
I'm so excited to see this that I am not even going to read it right now, I'll wait and savor it with my coffee in the morning. When I get an email from you, I feel like you are writing only to me (oh, god, this sounds so co-dependent) and so I am just writing you back to say, honey, don't worry too much about it. I'm glad you're back, and I hate it when you are gone, but hey: artistic process and all that. I KNOW that, and really don't expect you're going to disappear on me. Besides, I was busy in May having COVID, and now I am back in Maine working at fiddle camp and playing with my music friends. You know, sometimes I take a vaction (and a looong one,) from my fiddle. I always feel terrible, ashamed, worthless, incompetent, terrified to start again. And when I start again, there is always a change, an improvement. There is a saying, "You learn to swim in the wintertime, and to iceskate in the summertime." The brain continues to process new skills and consolidate them into muscle memor during periods which appear to be inactivity. So tell me how you are feeling a week or so into the new writing work. I am betting there is a new vigor there. OK, mother is done, here. Make sure you eat a little something and get to bed. Love, Pam
You always seem to know what I need to hear. I missed you - and I noticed you weren’t there. Everyone deserves a break and self care. I have been struggling with this concept as a burned out woman surgeon who worked like a dog to just be perceived as adequate . After COVID and some back issues, I’m pivoting and struggling to care for myself as much as I did/do other people. It is a hard thing - glad to have you back and your insightful essays. Keep at it !
I noticed you weren't here, and missed you, and figured you were taking care of yourself! Glad you're back. xo
I literally woke up today and thought "Holly. I can't wait to see her name in my inbox again, whenever that is." And then, boom. Thanks. Doesn't matter when or how you show up. We stay.
I DID notice and assumed you were just taking a much needed break. You were missed though! Thank you for the inspiration. I'm really struggling with my sobriety but I always feel like writing it out helps. So, thanks for reminding me that I have this outlet. Love you!
Yay! So glad you’re back and took some well deserved time to Fuck Off! You were missed and I, for one, almost reached out but didn’t want to be that one crazy fangirl. Cannot wait to dive all the way in to the 12 things-thanks Holly-you are appreciated!
'My entire life I’ve been offering gifts to compensate for what I’m not, thinking I have to constantly conjure some value in addition to value, that I have to pay people bonuses because I’m not enough.' UGH - that is so resonant that I feel like I've been punched in the gut - but in the greatest way. I'm just so excited and grateful to read your words whenever you're ready and able to share them. You owe us nothing, but we're so deeply happy that you're here. Thank you for this, I will be returning to it often.
honestly i didn’t notice, but i’m so glad you’re back! and glad you took a break!! i’d happily support your work through whatever break(s) you need to take for yourself! rest is one of the most important parts of continuing to live a creative life. sending you a big hug! 💕
Noticed. Missed you. Support you in doing whatever you most need (or whatever you don't need but choose or want or don't choose but do anyway, etc.). Am grateful for whatever and whenever you decide to share. You've already changed my life, even if you never wrote another thing. (But I hope you continue writing other things.) Thank you, Holly.
I will be here. Whether you write or not. Grateful for you.
I love you so much, honey. This essay, like all of yours (and I'm not exaggerating) resonates on so many levels. I noticed you hadn't written in a bit and thought, "good for her." I'm in awe that you've been able to offer such thoughtful essays week after week. You're a wonder. xoxo
“My entire life I’ve been offering gifts to compensate for what I’m not, thinking I have to constantly conjure some value in addition to value” 🥹 Thank you for these words. So grateful for you.
P.S. I’m loving Touched Out, too! I told Amanda that reading it feels like if Melissa Febos wrote about motherhood. Brilliant.
Thank you for writing this. I did notice you were gone, I loved reading this update. Home podcast saved my ass getting sober almost 7 years ago. Today, I’ve rearranged my whole life, and I sit in an apartment in an under-the-radar tiny town in Vermont, prepping for any amount of rest I need, so that I can yoga, and heal, and mostly so that I can write. No one is writing about marijuana addiction (that I know of at least). I’m over 6 years out of an addiction people will still tell me doesn’t exist. Reading your writing feels like an update from a friend I adore. Thank you, for all the honesty, and messiness, and zig zagging over the years. Until I read again.
Your essay is truly remarkable.
I understand how it feels to have an inner voice that criticizes you for taking a break, and I appreciate you sharing your experience with us. It's refreshing to see that you didn't feel the need to apologize or offer any gifts. Your essay has even convinced me to become a paid subscriber. Thank you for your openness and honesty! THANK YOU!
So much of this resonated with me. I am on a very generous severance right now, sleeping in late everyday, enjoying my gardening, and mastering more jigsaw puzzles than you can imagine. It feels lazy on some days and feels incredibly good on other days. I worry that I won't be able to get back to the grind in the same way when I land my next big thing. And maybe, that grind isn't meant to be lifelong? Maybe these long periods of somewhat unstructured time are a gift we need to embrace and let the universe take us where it will.
I'm at a loss for an answer too, Holly. But I don't think either of us are lost.