When I was first in therapy, realising I was a bit of a fuck up, it became clear that I'd developed this habit of abandoning myself when I most needed to show up to give support and love to myself. If I couldn't see that I was valuable enough to be loved, even when I was messing stuff up, why should anyone else?
The revelation that proved most powerful was that most of the trouble emerged from a child part of me that didn't feel like he was "enough", and that everyone knows if you get angry and frustrated with and then abandon a fearful, shameful child the fear and self-loathing in him just gets worse.
Metaphorically, I needed something to help me remember this forever.
In my head I held a memory of a photo my mother used to have on the sideboard of my sister and I sitting on a log in a wood. I must have been three or four, wearing shorts and a stripey t-shirt, my legs dangling, too short to reach the ground.
These days, when things go wrong or I make mistakes like forgetting my tax return, driving without insurance (I did it for a year, Holly, due to nothing more than my forgetting) or I avoid the dentist because I don't want to ask a question I can't bear hearing the answer to, I think of that little boy on the log and how all he really ever needs is love, protection and kindness.
I imagine putting him behind me while I, the adult, stand between him and whatever is causing the problem so that he doesn't have to deal with it. I find it's easier to cope with adult things when I'm taking proper care of the child.
It's good to hear that you're being kind to yourself for no reason at all because that is all the reason you will ever need.
As always Graham thank you for such a generous insight; I love this so very much and the idea of putting that little one behind you while the adult deals…♥️🫠
I'm wondering if it's like this: Have your shit together. Be well-read. Have robust relationships. Move your body. Work your job. Have impeccable hygiene.
Now, in any reasonable week/year (who are we kidding), pick two-ish.
The folks that can do all of those things all the time and well, I don't really want to have coffee with. You are off the hook. xo
Reading this after I lost my temper this morning in a way that I haven't in a long time. Lost it even though I have paid thousands of dollars in therapy, learned to meditate, read all the books and had years of practice and success at controlling my temper. And then it all goes out the window and I am where you are at the beginning of the essay. I'm trying to get to where you are by the end of your essay... meaning I am trying to be kind to myself- but damn it is challenging. All of it. Sending you a hug.
Thank you for sharing your experience Holly! Your bravery and vulnerability to share your life situations is so helpful to so many and to me. I am single and no children and I only have myself to rely on when these things happen to me. And trust me, being sober now for almost 2 1/2 yrs, at 52, life is still hard! It sucks sometimes and I am exhausted from always having to make decisions! Can someone please take care of me?? Even just for a minute?? I always feel like my life has been tremendously challenging and I always feel this sense of being cursed or “unlucky”.
Anyway...I can relate to it all! Thank you and I always look forward to reading your Substack! Love you! 💜
So true. I am 62 and still wondering when life is going to get easier. Isn’t that the real problem… Still being future oriented--thinking life will be easier, things will be better, when XYZ.
Now it is “when I retire.” Like that won’t bring another whole host of problems such as figuring out Medicare, figuring out how to live on a fixed income, figuring out what to do when I have no structure in my days. Pretty sure Life will not be easier then... sigh
You remain amazing in your humanness and your ability to jot not embrace it but find it celebratory. Forward and back. That is recovery. Accepting whatever is, is. That is recovery too. I think you are recovering the only way it can happen.
I so identify with this, Holly. I haven’t stacked up the years of those effing milestones/millstones, but every time I get some sobriety days under my belt I’m like oh yay. Ascetic me! Look at me! I’m killing it! And then much like diets ending with my face in a bowl of chips and queso, I go back to the comfort of vodka because it inevitably feels like nothing but work I need a break from. When I read your piece tonight, I thought: I wonder if that pattern could be disrupted by someone holding me tenderly like a baby? Not in a lover or even mother way (bc baggage), but in a “I’m completely holding you girl” way. I think that’s what I’m probably after, really, when I’m drinking. But we don’t get that after we’re infants, so. What you’re doing/going through gives me hope I can create the cradle my damn self (but from a different part of my brain than the one that pays the bills on time). Thank you, love you❤️
I think you’re absolutely right about that, that so much of it has to do with how kind we can be to ourselves in the moments we tend to be the opposite. I have this old video on it for drinking I’m gonna look for it today and send if I can find it. Sending you softness from here; amazed by what it took to even write this out. xx
Oh god the tool becoming the weapon. Why are we so good at violent behaviors to ourselves? Feels even sneakier when they appear as “healthy” weapons to others. Sneaky sneaky.
Thank you endlessly, Holly, for your vulnerability and honesty. I broke down sobbing last week realizing that I would indeed pass on some of the worst ACEs scores to my own children after thinking I had it together for the last 16 years only to realize I was repeating patterns that cut deep in me. Meeting ourselves where we are without this false and cruel expectation for where we should be is the only way I think we escape shame. All the self help and virtuous “care” we give and receive is often wolf in sheep’s clothing. I’m out here beginning again and again with you, eyes a little wider open maybe each orbit. Love and peace and deep respect. (Also, OMG thank you for the podcast you did around menstrual cycle and recovery! )
Oh I love you Holly! I am glad you are still willing to share the imperfections with us. Thank God for you! We appreciate your openness and ability to bare your truths. Thank you.
Really enjoyed this writing. It reminded me of a quote I read in another blog I follow and I thought I would share it: "Setting goals is great, but when we isolate the specific event from the rest of our lives -- the training, failing, and growing -- we fail to understand the goal in a larger context. This is why we are often left feeling empty after accomplishing a big objective. The singular event of the goal is less significant than all the moments before and after." https://www.mindandmountain.co/blog/art-of-goal-setting-in-outdoor-recreation
I love this so much. It was only recently that I realized that Sober Me is still me. I don’t always like me, but I’m not ashamed, and that is Big. Thank you for helping me get here.
This is it. THIS is the thing. Being tender with ourselves when we fuck up. Because we will ALWAYS fuck up. No matter our outward successes and our personal growth, we will still fuck up because we are humans and humans fuck up. But what a wonderful, beautiful, hopeful thing to be able to be tender with ourselves when we do! That is the product of so much hard work (that I am still trying to do every day). Thank you for this. ❤️
Holy smokes. I could have written this (not as well). It’s my life these days. Freak out fear when I “mess up” in a way that is a reminder of what life was like living with a brain tumor pressing on all the areas that control emotion, fear, inhibition, impulsiveness. Thank you neurosurgery, I’m better - in all ways; but the fear and shame accompanying ordinary life screwups brings me right back to when my life was an uncontrolled mess. Thank you.
We are twins. I was missing 4 teeth in early sobriety. Dear lord. Thanks for writing this & for showing up for us all. You basically are my hero. (Forever) Kate
I read this article last night as the host of a Sober Mom Squad meeting. At nearly 6 years of sobriety a dental appointment or opening a credit statement brings me back to the shame of the early days. (Every day I worry my dental implants will fall out 🤣) I felt the need for is to have this conversation as a collective to normalize it & remind ourselves of our humaneness & to see the fucking messy journey for what it is. Being human. ❤️
Holly, I stumbled upon your work when I heard you on the Pulling the Thread podcast earlier this week. I have been devouring your content ever since. Your sentiment on AA resonated so deeply with me. I am queer and grew up in the church in the south. I had a lot of childhood trauma as a result. In my twenties, I struggled with alcohol and cocaine addiction, primarily as a result of the shame I was taught my entire life. I tried AA and knew it didn’t feel right. There was something about it that repelled me and you described it so succinctly. I always had an issue with the religious connotations. But I also never understood the ego part. It was all so hetero-normative. I thought I was the only one. I thought I “failed” at recovery because I didn’t do it through AA. And I haven’t been perfect, I’ve had a drink here and there but I don’t think that starts the clock all over again. It’s such a binary way of thinking.
I also felt this post so deeply, I’ve been on a hamster wheel ever since starting recovery, trying to prove to everyone, and myself, that I’m worthy. I’ve done so much - gotten my credit score perfect, bought an house, gotten a graduate degree, prioritized everyone above myself, and I still feel inadequate. And I’m just exhausted.
All this to say, thank you for your work. It truly impacts people. And I’m so excited to continue to follow your writing. It’s truly beautiful.
Oh honey I just got all over chills. I’m so glad we found each other, and your intuition and gut reaction has more validation. There’s a jvn quote in the book “no bad parts” that resembles this exact self-compassionate approach that you’ve found. Thank you for sharing this. Huge love.
When I was first in therapy, realising I was a bit of a fuck up, it became clear that I'd developed this habit of abandoning myself when I most needed to show up to give support and love to myself. If I couldn't see that I was valuable enough to be loved, even when I was messing stuff up, why should anyone else?
The revelation that proved most powerful was that most of the trouble emerged from a child part of me that didn't feel like he was "enough", and that everyone knows if you get angry and frustrated with and then abandon a fearful, shameful child the fear and self-loathing in him just gets worse.
Metaphorically, I needed something to help me remember this forever.
In my head I held a memory of a photo my mother used to have on the sideboard of my sister and I sitting on a log in a wood. I must have been three or four, wearing shorts and a stripey t-shirt, my legs dangling, too short to reach the ground.
These days, when things go wrong or I make mistakes like forgetting my tax return, driving without insurance (I did it for a year, Holly, due to nothing more than my forgetting) or I avoid the dentist because I don't want to ask a question I can't bear hearing the answer to, I think of that little boy on the log and how all he really ever needs is love, protection and kindness.
I imagine putting him behind me while I, the adult, stand between him and whatever is causing the problem so that he doesn't have to deal with it. I find it's easier to cope with adult things when I'm taking proper care of the child.
It's good to hear that you're being kind to yourself for no reason at all because that is all the reason you will ever need.
As always Graham thank you for such a generous insight; I love this so very much and the idea of putting that little one behind you while the adult deals…♥️🫠
I absolutely love this approach - be the adult in front of your child - Wow. Mind blown. I needed this mind set today. Thank you.
I'm wondering if it's like this: Have your shit together. Be well-read. Have robust relationships. Move your body. Work your job. Have impeccable hygiene.
Now, in any reasonable week/year (who are we kidding), pick two-ish.
The folks that can do all of those things all the time and well, I don't really want to have coffee with. You are off the hook. xo
Lol. Love you,
".....don't really want to have coffee with." -- Nailed it.
It’s so good to be tender. I wish it was the gold star we all strive for, to be tender to yourself. Wear it like a cloak, Holly.
♥️
I love this response. Gold stars for tenderness. Thank you.
Reading this after I lost my temper this morning in a way that I haven't in a long time. Lost it even though I have paid thousands of dollars in therapy, learned to meditate, read all the books and had years of practice and success at controlling my temper. And then it all goes out the window and I am where you are at the beginning of the essay. I'm trying to get to where you are by the end of your essay... meaning I am trying to be kind to myself- but damn it is challenging. All of it. Sending you a hug.
It is SO HARD honey and I know this specific feeling, so well, you’re doing great, I promise.
I love this it’s my challenge too . How do I deflect a trigger RIGHT when it’s happening so I’m not ashamed of myself?
Thank you for sharing your experience Holly! Your bravery and vulnerability to share your life situations is so helpful to so many and to me. I am single and no children and I only have myself to rely on when these things happen to me. And trust me, being sober now for almost 2 1/2 yrs, at 52, life is still hard! It sucks sometimes and I am exhausted from always having to make decisions! Can someone please take care of me?? Even just for a minute?? I always feel like my life has been tremendously challenging and I always feel this sense of being cursed or “unlucky”.
Anyway...I can relate to it all! Thank you and I always look forward to reading your Substack! Love you! 💜
FOR JUST A MINUTE! I know I know I know. Same.
So true. I am 62 and still wondering when life is going to get easier. Isn’t that the real problem… Still being future oriented--thinking life will be easier, things will be better, when XYZ.
Now it is “when I retire.” Like that won’t bring another whole host of problems such as figuring out Medicare, figuring out how to live on a fixed income, figuring out what to do when I have no structure in my days. Pretty sure Life will not be easier then... sigh
You remain amazing in your humanness and your ability to jot not embrace it but find it celebratory. Forward and back. That is recovery. Accepting whatever is, is. That is recovery too. I think you are recovering the only way it can happen.
I so identify with this, Holly. I haven’t stacked up the years of those effing milestones/millstones, but every time I get some sobriety days under my belt I’m like oh yay. Ascetic me! Look at me! I’m killing it! And then much like diets ending with my face in a bowl of chips and queso, I go back to the comfort of vodka because it inevitably feels like nothing but work I need a break from. When I read your piece tonight, I thought: I wonder if that pattern could be disrupted by someone holding me tenderly like a baby? Not in a lover or even mother way (bc baggage), but in a “I’m completely holding you girl” way. I think that’s what I’m probably after, really, when I’m drinking. But we don’t get that after we’re infants, so. What you’re doing/going through gives me hope I can create the cradle my damn self (but from a different part of my brain than the one that pays the bills on time). Thank you, love you❤️
I think you’re absolutely right about that, that so much of it has to do with how kind we can be to ourselves in the moments we tend to be the opposite. I have this old video on it for drinking I’m gonna look for it today and send if I can find it. Sending you softness from here; amazed by what it took to even write this out. xx
Oh god the tool becoming the weapon. Why are we so good at violent behaviors to ourselves? Feels even sneakier when they appear as “healthy” weapons to others. Sneaky sneaky.
So sneaky!
Thank you endlessly, Holly, for your vulnerability and honesty. I broke down sobbing last week realizing that I would indeed pass on some of the worst ACEs scores to my own children after thinking I had it together for the last 16 years only to realize I was repeating patterns that cut deep in me. Meeting ourselves where we are without this false and cruel expectation for where we should be is the only way I think we escape shame. All the self help and virtuous “care” we give and receive is often wolf in sheep’s clothing. I’m out here beginning again and again with you, eyes a little wider open maybe each orbit. Love and peace and deep respect. (Also, OMG thank you for the podcast you did around menstrual cycle and recovery! )
I love that we think we are responsible for not overcoming our trauma fast enough 😭 oh lord. What wild creatures we are. Thanks for this.
Oh I love you Holly! I am glad you are still willing to share the imperfections with us. Thank God for you! We appreciate your openness and ability to bare your truths. Thank you.
Really enjoyed this writing. It reminded me of a quote I read in another blog I follow and I thought I would share it: "Setting goals is great, but when we isolate the specific event from the rest of our lives -- the training, failing, and growing -- we fail to understand the goal in a larger context. This is why we are often left feeling empty after accomplishing a big objective. The singular event of the goal is less significant than all the moments before and after." https://www.mindandmountain.co/blog/art-of-goal-setting-in-outdoor-recreation
Oh I love this, thank you
I love this so much. It was only recently that I realized that Sober Me is still me. I don’t always like me, but I’m not ashamed, and that is Big. Thank you for helping me get here.
This is it. THIS is the thing. Being tender with ourselves when we fuck up. Because we will ALWAYS fuck up. No matter our outward successes and our personal growth, we will still fuck up because we are humans and humans fuck up. But what a wonderful, beautiful, hopeful thing to be able to be tender with ourselves when we do! That is the product of so much hard work (that I am still trying to do every day). Thank you for this. ❤️
Holy smokes. I could have written this (not as well). It’s my life these days. Freak out fear when I “mess up” in a way that is a reminder of what life was like living with a brain tumor pressing on all the areas that control emotion, fear, inhibition, impulsiveness. Thank you neurosurgery, I’m better - in all ways; but the fear and shame accompanying ordinary life screwups brings me right back to when my life was an uncontrolled mess. Thank you.
Yes
We are twins. I was missing 4 teeth in early sobriety. Dear lord. Thanks for writing this & for showing up for us all. You basically are my hero. (Forever) Kate
♥️♥️♥️🫠
I read this article last night as the host of a Sober Mom Squad meeting. At nearly 6 years of sobriety a dental appointment or opening a credit statement brings me back to the shame of the early days. (Every day I worry my dental implants will fall out 🤣) I felt the need for is to have this conversation as a collective to normalize it & remind ourselves of our humaneness & to see the fucking messy journey for what it is. Being human. ❤️
Holly, I stumbled upon your work when I heard you on the Pulling the Thread podcast earlier this week. I have been devouring your content ever since. Your sentiment on AA resonated so deeply with me. I am queer and grew up in the church in the south. I had a lot of childhood trauma as a result. In my twenties, I struggled with alcohol and cocaine addiction, primarily as a result of the shame I was taught my entire life. I tried AA and knew it didn’t feel right. There was something about it that repelled me and you described it so succinctly. I always had an issue with the religious connotations. But I also never understood the ego part. It was all so hetero-normative. I thought I was the only one. I thought I “failed” at recovery because I didn’t do it through AA. And I haven’t been perfect, I’ve had a drink here and there but I don’t think that starts the clock all over again. It’s such a binary way of thinking.
I also felt this post so deeply, I’ve been on a hamster wheel ever since starting recovery, trying to prove to everyone, and myself, that I’m worthy. I’ve done so much - gotten my credit score perfect, bought an house, gotten a graduate degree, prioritized everyone above myself, and I still feel inadequate. And I’m just exhausted.
All this to say, thank you for your work. It truly impacts people. And I’m so excited to continue to follow your writing. It’s truly beautiful.
Oh honey I just got all over chills. I’m so glad we found each other, and your intuition and gut reaction has more validation. There’s a jvn quote in the book “no bad parts” that resembles this exact self-compassionate approach that you’ve found. Thank you for sharing this. Huge love.
Ahh, another book to add to my already looong reading list :)