Love this so much. I’ve always thought of cancel culture as the epitome of toxic. No room for redemption, discussion, self-compassion, compassion for others, not even room to attempt repair. Cancel culture is the arrogance of youth- that things end and are dead and gone- when really things end and then end again, and then death sparks new growth and fertilizes, and then some more death and some more growth. It’s an illusion. I love your writing, and your growth and willingness to be so honest about change, and chaos both internal and external, and hair issues, and I could spent hours with your links if I’m not careful and how much time do you spend reading and I want to spend hours reading and thank you.
Disagree only occasionally. Your article on listening to opposing views etc, for example. I am for that, having worked in a non partisan role in state government for most of my career, I worked with many people I disagreed with. People who had different views but were thoughtful and came to those positions honestly.
But compromise has become a dirty word in todays world, and I suspect we agree on the following; that it’s impossible, even enabling, to want to reach common ground with white nationalists, or people who support bomb threats at schools because of false rumors about Haitian eating peoples pets, and Jewish space lasers, or spread hatred about LGBTQ folks and etc. Such people have been given permission in recent years by some leaders to parade their bullying behavior. I wish we could have respectful conversations in those spaces but I fear we have moved way beyond that. And I think it’s despicable what happened to you with Hip Sobriety.
Anyway, please keep writing. Don’t let people who lack critical thinking cancel you. “My inner self respect and self worth cannot be affected by what others think or say about me.” Deepak Chopra.
About 5 years ago I picked up QLAW after reading about you and Laura M. I'm a dude, well a guy. At the time I had just entered my 3rd month in AA after starting my sobriety with Annie Grace, SHOUT sobriety and William Porter. As a male who knows how to beat the fuck out of myself I quickly "right sized" myself into a dark hole of self loathing. And then I read your book and I began to think differently about how I wanted my own sobriety to look. Your words gave me the boost I needed to keep saying to myself, "how do I want MY sobriety to look"? Not long after that I left AA and have gone on to other sobriety paths. I've been a big fan of your insights ever since. So glad you are here on Substack and writing as fiercely as ever. I loved this all.
Thank you for this. A lot to think about and will definitely be rereading.
I have never to my knowledge been officially “cancelled.”
I think the closest experience I’ve had to this is in the past year. I am a Jewish American, and I also identify as being on the U.S. political left. Speaking only for myself, it’s been challenging to navigate these two identities since 10/7/23.
Tbh I feel nervous about posting this comment and may wind up deleting it later, because I worry about how it will be received.
But again I appreciate this post and it’s given me a lot to think about.
Thanks for posting it, truly. I understand why writing something about how it's hard to navigate two identities feels risky, and I deeply appreciate your willingness to say it. Sending some big breaths your way.
I can very much understand this perspective, being a lifelong “member” of the political left. I live in Portland, Oregon so seeing people on the streets within 24 hours of Hamas attacking the Nova Festival, waving Palestinian flags and chanting slogans was a heartbreakingly familiar sight and further sent me into questioning my own political identity(much like the riots of 2020 did)
Please post your list of resources for those of us who have been cancelled. I was a high school English teacher in 2024 and was cancelled by a small group of students. It is still painful and I feel like my 35 year career in education ended on a sour note that overshadows everything I may have accomplished.
I think I come closer and closer to being cancelled - at least within my small online sphere (which is limited to Substack and is wrapped up in my identity, creative work, and livelihood). Every time I praise and restack Charles Eisenstein’s recent essays, for example, which just today had me blocking some guy rather than dealing with his precious beliefs and non-listening, presumed moral authority. Thank you for writing this, Holly. I needed it now and will likely need it even more later.
I do appreciate Africa Brooke's saying which I think is "act as if you already have been cancelled". I think for me, it's just the knowledge that people will leave, and that it's totally okay. Thanks always for your thoughtfulness and for putting yourself out there, and your writing. xx
Me too. I think they’re some of the wisest things I’m reading on the internet these days, and it’s quite disheartening to read how many folks are reacting in the comments.
I remember finding you on instagram years ago. You were followed by my yoga school friend Flo and you were talking about sobriety in a way that compelled me (I’m almost six years alcohol free and sing the praises if your book far and wide).
We’re the same age and if I remember correctly, you’re an Aquarius. Love me some ♒️ (I married one). You are consistently looking outside the box and considering the collective while pushing against the narrative of sameness, whatever it may be.
Sometime in 2020 I had a reckoning with my own “side” as riots raged for months in my beloved Portland. The rhetoric coming out of my friends mouths sounded like the fundamentalism that I was used to coming from the other “side”. I went quiet. I began following right wing pundits (briefly. Punditry is insufferable) and reading old school conservatives like Thomas Sowell. I felt weird and lost. I tried to let curiosity lead.
(Since you’re a bookworm like me, I highly recommend “Liberalism and Its Discontents” by Frances Fukuyama.)
Anyway, all this to say I appreciate the shit out of you. I’ve been starting and stopping my own Substack post for months and drowning in imposter syndrome as I face my own midlife reckoning. Your writing slays, it inspires, keep doing it. And give my love to those glorious trees on the east coast. Fall is their season.
I wish this "cancel culture" would fizzle out already, it's such bullshit. Women are "cancelled" far more often than men for far lesser "crimes". It seems like mental laziness to slap on a "cancel sticker" on somebody & refuse further engagement with their views. What happened to civil discourse? What happened to hearing others' words with an open heart and open mind?
Thank you for this, Holly -- it connects so deeply. The experience of sharing your heart publicly, in a role so easily projected upon (and in some ways even moreso as someone not super famous but known enough to still be seen as human, which in some ways makes it even easier to be relentlessly judged and criticized) is so tender. This feels like a true practice of compassion, embodied and hard and complicated and desperately needed. 🧡
Dearest you. Gosh, thanks for reading and saying this; it's how I feel when I read your work, it's so personal and it grants me entry into my world if that makes sense. Thank you for how you are, I take notes.
Holly, Thank you. This is the first time I am commenting and as it required subscription I went ahead and did that. I'm motivated by my family journey with recovery and the incredible work of it. I am motivated by my experiences of being canceled or shunned. Shunning, I believe, is one of the worst things we can do to others. It is an emotion-physicality akin to genocide. Killing off is close to shaming, but worse.
It requires unbelievable amounts of psychic work to endure being shunned by community. Like you, I have repeated experiences of it. In general, I am called to a belief system around which many roll their eyes and refuse to engage. What is it? My job is to hold dance and religion together. For a long time I did that in mainstream protestantism. Confronting the anti-body in Christainity is no joke. Once as a pastor many church members literally left the church because of who I am. Another time in my non profit a single comment made in love exploded into accusations of racism in my organization where I was actively pursuing wisdom on healing from racism. While it resulted in months of painful isolation and emotional trauma. I did eventually restore my relationships with those who shunned me.
I am currently exploring fear of genocide as something we need to confront in self and culture. I believe much of the fear running rampant is related to the epigenetics of being killers or being killed off. The word genocide first occurred in the 1940's during the Holocaust. I don't think the phenomenon is recent. It has long legs in the history of patriarchs who kill off peoples, lands, cultures, intellectuals, artists and species.
I look forward to your list and to your explorations and join in the journey of compassion for self and others.
I’d looove that list of resources for the cancelled or about to be cancelled, like me. You hit the cancel nail on the head and the “doubt” thing—yes, exactly. Whole industries bank on avoiding truths about their products in favor of their cynical sales technique to plant seeds of doubt in consumer minds. Politics is all about this now. Trusting our own goodness as a guide is a great way to cut through the bullshit.
I would love any resources you have for those who have been “cancelled”! It is terribly difficult to find support. I (and separately a friend) were both unceremoniously fired for what I can only assume were personal/political reasons on the part of our respective directors, despite being otherwise held in high regard. In lived in site with my family, so I also lost my housing and community. It was a deep mind fuck. Your writing is the only source I’ve found that talks about this - so thank you.
Hi Jen, I’ll share them next week. I am so deeply sorry you experienced that. Africa Brooke and Clementine Morrigen are both great places to start but I’ll share what I send. xx
Anyone who has been part of a group and felt a sense of belonging that lifted them up, only to be let loose either overtly or quietly, knows cancel culture. Dan Siegel has said there are pain receptors in the brain that signal when we are ostracized from the group. I have recently been "unwelcomed" by a group of people and I've questioned myself endlessly; was it due to a blip in my psychology I'm unaware of, an agenda on their part they were blind to, my questions too abrasive, not inclusive enough, did I need to wrap my doubt in a sweeter package...? I think I was so concerned with my own "self" it tripped me up. I have slowly come to trust myself but now I'm working on loving the people who let me go and ironically, the only way I can feel that is when I don't distance my"self" with all of my thoughts. I pay attention to when I'm trying to justify my beliefs in all sorts of round about ways and just keep it simple, as E. M. Forester said "only connect." The connection has nothing to do with their acceptance, my turning away or any outward response. It has to do with my visceral understanding of our literal connection. I feel this matters in my own personal life and ripples out into the larger world in ways that are not noticed and can't be posted or liked or even cancelled.
This is so, so well put, especially about the part of the self and the examinations it leads to, and your thoughts on connection. "Only connect." Again, thanks for this.
The term “cancelled” in this sense has felt a bit amorphous (terms that are used a lot in culture but never really defined often feel this way for me, my autistic brain that often takes things too literally gets in the way sometimes) but thinking of it as “facing ex-communication from communities” crystallized it. Thank you for that phrase. In the context of how important belonging is for us as humans, that phrase also amplifies how harmful it is to the people experiencing it.
Love this so much. I’ve always thought of cancel culture as the epitome of toxic. No room for redemption, discussion, self-compassion, compassion for others, not even room to attempt repair. Cancel culture is the arrogance of youth- that things end and are dead and gone- when really things end and then end again, and then death sparks new growth and fertilizes, and then some more death and some more growth. It’s an illusion. I love your writing, and your growth and willingness to be so honest about change, and chaos both internal and external, and hair issues, and I could spent hours with your links if I’m not careful and how much time do you spend reading and I want to spend hours reading and thank you.
Disagree only occasionally. Your article on listening to opposing views etc, for example. I am for that, having worked in a non partisan role in state government for most of my career, I worked with many people I disagreed with. People who had different views but were thoughtful and came to those positions honestly.
But compromise has become a dirty word in todays world, and I suspect we agree on the following; that it’s impossible, even enabling, to want to reach common ground with white nationalists, or people who support bomb threats at schools because of false rumors about Haitian eating peoples pets, and Jewish space lasers, or spread hatred about LGBTQ folks and etc. Such people have been given permission in recent years by some leaders to parade their bullying behavior. I wish we could have respectful conversations in those spaces but I fear we have moved way beyond that. And I think it’s despicable what happened to you with Hip Sobriety.
Anyway, please keep writing. Don’t let people who lack critical thinking cancel you. “My inner self respect and self worth cannot be affected by what others think or say about me.” Deepak Chopra.
All best - Joe
Thanks so much for this Joe.
About 5 years ago I picked up QLAW after reading about you and Laura M. I'm a dude, well a guy. At the time I had just entered my 3rd month in AA after starting my sobriety with Annie Grace, SHOUT sobriety and William Porter. As a male who knows how to beat the fuck out of myself I quickly "right sized" myself into a dark hole of self loathing. And then I read your book and I began to think differently about how I wanted my own sobriety to look. Your words gave me the boost I needed to keep saying to myself, "how do I want MY sobriety to look"? Not long after that I left AA and have gone on to other sobriety paths. I've been a big fan of your insights ever since. So glad you are here on Substack and writing as fiercely as ever. I loved this all.
Thank you for this. A lot to think about and will definitely be rereading.
I have never to my knowledge been officially “cancelled.”
I think the closest experience I’ve had to this is in the past year. I am a Jewish American, and I also identify as being on the U.S. political left. Speaking only for myself, it’s been challenging to navigate these two identities since 10/7/23.
Tbh I feel nervous about posting this comment and may wind up deleting it later, because I worry about how it will be received.
But again I appreciate this post and it’s given me a lot to think about.
Thanks for posting it, truly. I understand why writing something about how it's hard to navigate two identities feels risky, and I deeply appreciate your willingness to say it. Sending some big breaths your way.
I can very much understand this perspective, being a lifelong “member” of the political left. I live in Portland, Oregon so seeing people on the streets within 24 hours of Hamas attacking the Nova Festival, waving Palestinian flags and chanting slogans was a heartbreakingly familiar sight and further sent me into questioning my own political identity(much like the riots of 2020 did)
Thanks for sharing your experience
Please post your list of resources for those of us who have been cancelled. I was a high school English teacher in 2024 and was cancelled by a small group of students. It is still painful and I feel like my 35 year career in education ended on a sour note that overshadows everything I may have accomplished.
Hi beautiful you; yes, I will share and I’m so sorry that happened to you. I know how deeply it cuts and how it lingers. Big hug from here.
I think I come closer and closer to being cancelled - at least within my small online sphere (which is limited to Substack and is wrapped up in my identity, creative work, and livelihood). Every time I praise and restack Charles Eisenstein’s recent essays, for example, which just today had me blocking some guy rather than dealing with his precious beliefs and non-listening, presumed moral authority. Thank you for writing this, Holly. I needed it now and will likely need it even more later.
I do appreciate Africa Brooke's saying which I think is "act as if you already have been cancelled". I think for me, it's just the knowledge that people will leave, and that it's totally okay. Thanks always for your thoughtfulness and for putting yourself out there, and your writing. xx
Thank you, and love that. Africa’s podcast has been such a guide, teacher, and support for me in this very thing. xo
p.s. a book in january!!
I’m loving Charles’ latest pieces. And also noticing the intense vitriol they are igniting in the comments section.
Me too. I think they’re some of the wisest things I’m reading on the internet these days, and it’s quite disheartening to read how many folks are reacting in the comments.
I remember finding you on instagram years ago. You were followed by my yoga school friend Flo and you were talking about sobriety in a way that compelled me (I’m almost six years alcohol free and sing the praises if your book far and wide).
We’re the same age and if I remember correctly, you’re an Aquarius. Love me some ♒️ (I married one). You are consistently looking outside the box and considering the collective while pushing against the narrative of sameness, whatever it may be.
Sometime in 2020 I had a reckoning with my own “side” as riots raged for months in my beloved Portland. The rhetoric coming out of my friends mouths sounded like the fundamentalism that I was used to coming from the other “side”. I went quiet. I began following right wing pundits (briefly. Punditry is insufferable) and reading old school conservatives like Thomas Sowell. I felt weird and lost. I tried to let curiosity lead.
(Since you’re a bookworm like me, I highly recommend “Liberalism and Its Discontents” by Frances Fukuyama.)
Anyway, all this to say I appreciate the shit out of you. I’ve been starting and stopping my own Substack post for months and drowning in imposter syndrome as I face my own midlife reckoning. Your writing slays, it inspires, keep doing it. And give my love to those glorious trees on the east coast. Fall is their season.
Much love from Portland ❤️
Just engaging with these words; thanks for sharing. appreciate you right back.
What a wonderful piece of writing. Thankful for your voice xo
<3 Hugs baby
I wish this "cancel culture" would fizzle out already, it's such bullshit. Women are "cancelled" far more often than men for far lesser "crimes". It seems like mental laziness to slap on a "cancel sticker" on somebody & refuse further engagement with their views. What happened to civil discourse? What happened to hearing others' words with an open heart and open mind?
Agreed on the women vs men front
Thank you for this, Holly -- it connects so deeply. The experience of sharing your heart publicly, in a role so easily projected upon (and in some ways even moreso as someone not super famous but known enough to still be seen as human, which in some ways makes it even easier to be relentlessly judged and criticized) is so tender. This feels like a true practice of compassion, embodied and hard and complicated and desperately needed. 🧡
Dearest you. Gosh, thanks for reading and saying this; it's how I feel when I read your work, it's so personal and it grants me entry into my world if that makes sense. Thank you for how you are, I take notes.
Holly, Thank you. This is the first time I am commenting and as it required subscription I went ahead and did that. I'm motivated by my family journey with recovery and the incredible work of it. I am motivated by my experiences of being canceled or shunned. Shunning, I believe, is one of the worst things we can do to others. It is an emotion-physicality akin to genocide. Killing off is close to shaming, but worse.
It requires unbelievable amounts of psychic work to endure being shunned by community. Like you, I have repeated experiences of it. In general, I am called to a belief system around which many roll their eyes and refuse to engage. What is it? My job is to hold dance and religion together. For a long time I did that in mainstream protestantism. Confronting the anti-body in Christainity is no joke. Once as a pastor many church members literally left the church because of who I am. Another time in my non profit a single comment made in love exploded into accusations of racism in my organization where I was actively pursuing wisdom on healing from racism. While it resulted in months of painful isolation and emotional trauma. I did eventually restore my relationships with those who shunned me.
I am currently exploring fear of genocide as something we need to confront in self and culture. I believe much of the fear running rampant is related to the epigenetics of being killers or being killed off. The word genocide first occurred in the 1940's during the Holocaust. I don't think the phenomenon is recent. It has long legs in the history of patriarchs who kill off peoples, lands, cultures, intellectuals, artists and species.
I look forward to your list and to your explorations and join in the journey of compassion for self and others.
Thanks for sharing your experience here Cynthia (and jumping through the pay wall to do it). I'll share the resources <3
I’d looove that list of resources for the cancelled or about to be cancelled, like me. You hit the cancel nail on the head and the “doubt” thing—yes, exactly. Whole industries bank on avoiding truths about their products in favor of their cynical sales technique to plant seeds of doubt in consumer minds. Politics is all about this now. Trusting our own goodness as a guide is a great way to cut through the bullshit.
Patty ♥️ will share next week
I would love any resources you have for those who have been “cancelled”! It is terribly difficult to find support. I (and separately a friend) were both unceremoniously fired for what I can only assume were personal/political reasons on the part of our respective directors, despite being otherwise held in high regard. In lived in site with my family, so I also lost my housing and community. It was a deep mind fuck. Your writing is the only source I’ve found that talks about this - so thank you.
Hi Jen, I’ll share them next week. I am so deeply sorry you experienced that. Africa Brooke and Clementine Morrigen are both great places to start but I’ll share what I send. xx
Anyone who has been part of a group and felt a sense of belonging that lifted them up, only to be let loose either overtly or quietly, knows cancel culture. Dan Siegel has said there are pain receptors in the brain that signal when we are ostracized from the group. I have recently been "unwelcomed" by a group of people and I've questioned myself endlessly; was it due to a blip in my psychology I'm unaware of, an agenda on their part they were blind to, my questions too abrasive, not inclusive enough, did I need to wrap my doubt in a sweeter package...? I think I was so concerned with my own "self" it tripped me up. I have slowly come to trust myself but now I'm working on loving the people who let me go and ironically, the only way I can feel that is when I don't distance my"self" with all of my thoughts. I pay attention to when I'm trying to justify my beliefs in all sorts of round about ways and just keep it simple, as E. M. Forester said "only connect." The connection has nothing to do with their acceptance, my turning away or any outward response. It has to do with my visceral understanding of our literal connection. I feel this matters in my own personal life and ripples out into the larger world in ways that are not noticed and can't be posted or liked or even cancelled.
This is so, so well put, especially about the part of the self and the examinations it leads to, and your thoughts on connection. "Only connect." Again, thanks for this.
The term “cancelled” in this sense has felt a bit amorphous (terms that are used a lot in culture but never really defined often feel this way for me, my autistic brain that often takes things too literally gets in the way sometimes) but thinking of it as “facing ex-communication from communities” crystallized it. Thank you for that phrase. In the context of how important belonging is for us as humans, that phrase also amplifies how harmful it is to the people experiencing it.
Thank you as always for your thoughtfulness and your words.
Aww I just love you so much. Just emailed you before coming here and reading this first comment from you. Hugs bb, see you soon.