Holly, That’s some pretty darn compassionate writing, there. I have listened to some pretty awful stories in recovery meetings. I try to remind myself of a Willie Nelson story. His daughter was very upset with someone and was venting to her dad who counseled compassion. His daughter asked “Why? Why should I tolerate that awful human being.” Willie’s response: “ Well, because you never know what that fella has been through to get where he is now. And there but for the grace of god go I“. Having said that, I have found it increasingly hard to sit silent when for example, someone is outwardly racist or misogynist or homophobic etc. I have too often kept quiet in my awkwardness, nourishing my long standing fear of conflict and confrontation, and then end up feeling quite guilty that I have enabled those hateful sentiments, given them legitimacy. Evil prospers when good people do nothing and all that jazz. How do we find common ground when we can’t even agree on a common set of facts, and when science has become just someone else’s opinion? Anyway, keep up the good work. You challenge people to think critically and that’s a good thing (owed to Martha Stewart).
I love this and while I don't have the answer, I think what you're pointing out is part of what I left out (even though you can find bits of it in the resources I shared) is restorative justice, holding people accountable, etc. I don't think compassion and loving and believing in the good nature of humans is at odds with also standing up for vulnerable populations or what's right, or countering evil. What has made sense to me is the idea that I think MLK had which is that there aren't evil people, there are evil actions, and we'd be wise to remember the difference. I feel like a cliche but The Radical King was a really impactful book for me that both highlighted MLK as a controversial complicated figure, but also his radical ideas, including leaving from a love ethic. So that's how I content with it. I just wrote a piece for McSweeney's that basically calls Trump evil, so it's not that I'm over here being perfect about this; but the north star I try to follow is that if I start demonizing people and sorting them into good or bad, that is painful for ME first; it hurts me. If I operate from trying (not succeeding, trying) to see God in all, all that shit, I am operating in a way that I think is far more serving. These are personal choices, and I respect the internal struggle around them. Thanks for these thoughts Joe Martin <3
The Contrapoint video is a bible for me, there's so much in it. I need to rewatch. There was a part that talked about a lesbian group in the 70s who cancelled someone in their community and how incredibly powerful and sad this action can be. Social isolation is deeply hurtful. I equate canceling with public shaming. I also suggest: So You've Been Publicly Shamed by Jon Ronson. He begins the book talking about how a group of religious leaders in the early 1800s (I think) worked to pass laws against public shaming because they saw how hurtful it was and inhumane.
Thanks Kel. Yes, that video is such a staple and I think Natalie does a really fine job of threading that needle. I included Ron's book (that's the one that said "basically, narscissists fair well") which now reading your comment makes me wonder if I reduced the lessons a bit :) Thanks for this.
Great comment, Holly. It’s good to be reminded of what I’ve heard thich nhat hanh, Pema Chodron and others say about compassion. I think it was the Dalai Lama who said that compassion is a selfish act. It’s about how showing compassion is more an act of self healing, than it is centered around the object of your compassion, if that makes any sense. As you said, demonizing other people hurts you and conversely, showing compassion helps one, it’s self healing. Good talk LOL. Happy (on Monday) Indigenous Peoples Day.
Great post, Holly! I love the comparison between addiction and being cancelled, its the compassion and chance to learn and grow that people need. No one is saying there are no consequences for folks who mess up, but its the difference of prison for the point of isolation vs prison for the point of rehabilitation. And yes, we see people move to extremes when they lack rehabilitation opportunities. Thank you for being brave and continuing to open our minds.
There’s a surprising and disappointing level of dogma in many professions and organisations that purport to help people. If it works it works, and genuine compassion (to self and/ or another) is always at the root.
Thank you for your extensive list of resourses. I have one problem with the word tolerance. To be tolerated feels always a bit precarious, because tolerance can change easily when it's not convenient anymore. Like when i still was in a wheelchair, in most spaces I felt only tolerated when I was on best behavior. Acceptance feels must more compassionate, more unconditional. Love ❤️
I think about the infighting I often see within the liberal groups. It’s like folks “ were eating each other and blaming everyone meanwhile the enemy is at the gates of actually trying to harm us!”
Holly, That’s some pretty darn compassionate writing, there. I have listened to some pretty awful stories in recovery meetings. I try to remind myself of a Willie Nelson story. His daughter was very upset with someone and was venting to her dad who counseled compassion. His daughter asked “Why? Why should I tolerate that awful human being.” Willie’s response: “ Well, because you never know what that fella has been through to get where he is now. And there but for the grace of god go I“. Having said that, I have found it increasingly hard to sit silent when for example, someone is outwardly racist or misogynist or homophobic etc. I have too often kept quiet in my awkwardness, nourishing my long standing fear of conflict and confrontation, and then end up feeling quite guilty that I have enabled those hateful sentiments, given them legitimacy. Evil prospers when good people do nothing and all that jazz. How do we find common ground when we can’t even agree on a common set of facts, and when science has become just someone else’s opinion? Anyway, keep up the good work. You challenge people to think critically and that’s a good thing (owed to Martha Stewart).
I love this and while I don't have the answer, I think what you're pointing out is part of what I left out (even though you can find bits of it in the resources I shared) is restorative justice, holding people accountable, etc. I don't think compassion and loving and believing in the good nature of humans is at odds with also standing up for vulnerable populations or what's right, or countering evil. What has made sense to me is the idea that I think MLK had which is that there aren't evil people, there are evil actions, and we'd be wise to remember the difference. I feel like a cliche but The Radical King was a really impactful book for me that both highlighted MLK as a controversial complicated figure, but also his radical ideas, including leaving from a love ethic. So that's how I content with it. I just wrote a piece for McSweeney's that basically calls Trump evil, so it's not that I'm over here being perfect about this; but the north star I try to follow is that if I start demonizing people and sorting them into good or bad, that is painful for ME first; it hurts me. If I operate from trying (not succeeding, trying) to see God in all, all that shit, I am operating in a way that I think is far more serving. These are personal choices, and I respect the internal struggle around them. Thanks for these thoughts Joe Martin <3
The Contrapoint video is a bible for me, there's so much in it. I need to rewatch. There was a part that talked about a lesbian group in the 70s who cancelled someone in their community and how incredibly powerful and sad this action can be. Social isolation is deeply hurtful. I equate canceling with public shaming. I also suggest: So You've Been Publicly Shamed by Jon Ronson. He begins the book talking about how a group of religious leaders in the early 1800s (I think) worked to pass laws against public shaming because they saw how hurtful it was and inhumane.
Thanks Kel. Yes, that video is such a staple and I think Natalie does a really fine job of threading that needle. I included Ron's book (that's the one that said "basically, narscissists fair well") which now reading your comment makes me wonder if I reduced the lessons a bit :) Thanks for this.
Hi holly . Thanks for this . I got cancelled too. What a mofo . But I’m sober now and finding my way , again, so here’s a hug and thank you again .
indeed what a mofo. Lots of tenderness to you on your way Donna.
I guess I’m behind a story or two , I need to read all your posts on your cancellation and why . Just spitballing here, the patriarchy hits? Me too
> Simply investigating the subject of cancellation can feel like I’m sending a dog whistle to the “anti-woke” contingent that exists out there.
YES. And then I scurry back into hiding from the investigation. These resources are super helpful. Thank you, thank you.
right? 🤷🏻 <3
Great comment, Holly. It’s good to be reminded of what I’ve heard thich nhat hanh, Pema Chodron and others say about compassion. I think it was the Dalai Lama who said that compassion is a selfish act. It’s about how showing compassion is more an act of self healing, than it is centered around the object of your compassion, if that makes any sense. As you said, demonizing other people hurts you and conversely, showing compassion helps one, it’s self healing. Good talk LOL. Happy (on Monday) Indigenous Peoples Day.
Good talk <3
LOL
Truly grateful for these resources - and to have them all together as a resource. Thank you, Holly.
Great post, Holly! I love the comparison between addiction and being cancelled, its the compassion and chance to learn and grow that people need. No one is saying there are no consequences for folks who mess up, but its the difference of prison for the point of isolation vs prison for the point of rehabilitation. And yes, we see people move to extremes when they lack rehabilitation opportunities. Thank you for being brave and continuing to open our minds.
Hi! Thanks Nicole <3
Hi!! Ive missed you and am so glad you are back❤️
There’s a surprising and disappointing level of dogma in many professions and organisations that purport to help people. If it works it works, and genuine compassion (to self and/ or another) is always at the root.
Thank you for your extensive list of resourses. I have one problem with the word tolerance. To be tolerated feels always a bit precarious, because tolerance can change easily when it's not convenient anymore. Like when i still was in a wheelchair, in most spaces I felt only tolerated when I was on best behavior. Acceptance feels must more compassionate, more unconditional. Love ❤️
Ahh yes. That is a really beautiful and important distinction. Thanks Josh <3
I think about the infighting I often see within the liberal groups. It’s like folks “ were eating each other and blaming everyone meanwhile the enemy is at the gates of actually trying to harm us!”