Feb 27, 2022·edited Feb 27, 2022Liked by Holly Whitaker
“Oh sister! Because the part of me that thinks I’m a fraud is standing right up there at the front with me. They have a seat at my table, and because they have a seat at my table where they are respected and loved and validated, they’re not running the show from the basement.”
This. I think this is key. Still trying to figure out how to lovingly accept all pieces of myself so that they don’t run the show from the basement.
Ok, wait. It sounds like you're into IFS? Or, maybe, you're instinctually using that modality... it's incredibly powerful, and I was inching my way into it by accident sort of, then I listened to a session by its founder and my whole inner world suddenly made sense. And now I can be friends with all the people/parts in there.
This was so poignant for me in this moment. I am working on my masters thesis at the moment, or more accurately, pushing off working on my thesis for fear of rejection and failure. I feel insignificant and incompetent. But I love the idea of inviting that self to the table. Inviting all parts to come together, letting go of the pressure and moving onwards. Thank you! ❤️
I really enjoyed this today Holly. It is so important to embrace the whole self but so damn hard. I smiled when I pictured you singing that song to yourself; I am going to try it😉. Tara Brach has a talk on this and calls those negative voices Mara. I may not be accurately representing this concept but she says to say “Hello Mara, won’t you join us for some tea?”
What is it when you think you should be (or should have been) a perfectionist at least once in a while? LOL. I mean, I guess the reason I've stalled out for so much of my life was that I was waiting to be perfect before taking a single step. So I didn't suffer so much from the pain of trying to be perfect because I didn't even try. The line from Eliot's "Prufrock" "Do I dare disturb the universe?" has haunted me since high school, and during Tempest it became a rallying cry for me and a friend - "Let's disturb the universe!"
One thing I've been embracing lately is the idea that in order to write a good song you have to write at least a hundred shitty songs. I've written both good and shitty songs, so it's not a lesson I thought I had to learn again, but it's been propelling my creative energy like nothing else lately. I'm finishing mediocre work now instead of leaving fragments and it's making me happy.
I'm answering a question from Holly below, but am sharing it here because it so relates to what everyone is talking about, and what Holly's newsletter talked about. Richard Schwartz is the founder of the modality of therapy/healing called Internal Family Systems, which is all about bringing "exiled" parts of yourself into the present and healing them - giving them a seat at the table. For me, it was/is a total game-changer. As the IFS name implies, he's developed a whole "system" for identifying and understanding - and finally, integrating - the various "parts" of ourselves. His premise is that there are no bad parts, that they all are serving a role/function, that they get burdened with roles they don't want, but those parts can be "unburdened" of their unwanted role, so their true nature can come forth. The other part of his premise is that there is, within everyone, a true Self, that cannot be destroyed, is always available to us, and knows how to heal, and part of IFS work is re-connecting with that Self. (The Self, according to IFS, is characterized by the "8 C's": calmness, clarity, compassion, curiosity, confidence, courage, creativity, and connectedness.)
I have found it so so so powerful, and hugely healing. I recommend this interview with him, where he explains how he came up with this system, and gives a great overview of it: https://resources.soundstrue.com/podcast/no-bad-parts/.
He has recently published a book, No Bad Parts, which I have but haven't gotten into (yet). I also took an on-line "master class" of his, where he demonstrated the approach, using a real person, and it was, not to exaggerate but to really be honest, life-changing for me (it was a paid class, and is no longer available on-line, so I can't share the link). So there's a zillion youtube's of him, and I recommend "live" demonstrations and lectures, rather than the book. Or in addition to.
He also has a full training program for therapists, so there are "certified" IFS therapists out there. He's formed an institute to carry on the work, and the website is full of information: https://ifs-institute.com/
Ha ha, I'm kind of over the top in my enthusiasm for this, but so much of the conversation is reminding me of IFS practice... so, if it's helpful, good; if not, ok too. :)
Feb 27, 2022·edited Feb 27, 2022Liked by Holly Whitaker
I personally LOVE the unpolished brain dump-the act or an instance of comprehensively and uncritically expressing and recording one's thoughts and ideas (as on a particular topic)!!
So much more relatable than the polished version most days.
Thank you for taking on the weekly emails- I am so happy reading them!!
I look forward to your newsletters each week. You could literally blast out only a haiku and I'd be tuning in because I know I'm going to learn something about myself through your stories.
Also I would 100% be stressing myself out over hard burpee or easy burpee. Again, glad it's not just me!
Thank you so much for this! I’m finally comfortable in the middle of my recovery after so much self doubt. Your words each week seem to be exactly what I need and speak to where I am. I’m a work in progress and at I’m ok with it. Love you!
I'm reading 'No Bad Parts' at the moment, and it's causing me to rethink so much of my conditioning around all the parts of myself that I fear, that are 'unskilful', that I hide in the basement, that are 'character defects' (in AA parlance - ugh). Just in the way that you have described inviting the 'worthless' girl to sit down at the table with you, he describes inviting those parts that have been exiled to talk about what they are trying to do and why and recognising that however fucked up they might be, ultimately they want what is best for me. For me, it's not so much a choice between perfectionism and mediocrity because something can still be good, can still have value, and not be either perfect or mediocre. For me, all your writing has value Holly, even if it doesn't feel 'perfect' to you!
Well said, thanks for letting us know we aren’t alone in these feelings. Is ambition a point on the same line or a third place on a triangle? I’ve often been snarled in it and it’s played significant roles in both my addiction and sobriety.
I just realized why i love this newsletter - and you - so much. I am in the messy, mediocre, place. Honestly, I have been here for most of my life except for those, you know, fleeting few minutes of attaining something. Mostly what i have read about, and been so allured by, is the experiences of people who have attained something and are telling me their story of how they did it and, also, how i can to (!!). And i keep falling for it because, as you continue to so honestly and vulnerably write/speak about, this messy place fucking sucks. It's so unbearably uncomfortable and i keep wanting out and it is so damn easy to find people selling me something that will help me get out. Thank you for your willingness to write about this messy place. I feel a deep sigh of relief reading your essays - you are creating a space where i feel like i can finally stop pretending that i am doing great all the damn time and actually learn to live (or not run away) in that place where i am not perfect. Thank you.
Oh Holly! I needed to read this TODAY! I am putting together (read: putting off) my portfolio in order to look for a new position after leaving a job I had for 24 years! Between this and your episode #3 of Quitted I feel like I am being held and seen. Thank you for your love and bravery and for connecting.
“Oh sister! Because the part of me that thinks I’m a fraud is standing right up there at the front with me. They have a seat at my table, and because they have a seat at my table where they are respected and loved and validated, they’re not running the show from the basement.”
This. I think this is key. Still trying to figure out how to lovingly accept all pieces of myself so that they don’t run the show from the basement.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Ok, wait. It sounds like you're into IFS? Or, maybe, you're instinctually using that modality... it's incredibly powerful, and I was inching my way into it by accident sort of, then I listened to a session by its founder and my whole inner world suddenly made sense. And now I can be friends with all the people/parts in there.
This was so poignant for me in this moment. I am working on my masters thesis at the moment, or more accurately, pushing off working on my thesis for fear of rejection and failure. I feel insignificant and incompetent. But I love the idea of inviting that self to the table. Inviting all parts to come together, letting go of the pressure and moving onwards. Thank you! ❤️
I really enjoyed this today Holly. It is so important to embrace the whole self but so damn hard. I smiled when I pictured you singing that song to yourself; I am going to try it😉. Tara Brach has a talk on this and calls those negative voices Mara. I may not be accurately representing this concept but she says to say “Hello Mara, won’t you join us for some tea?”
What is it when you think you should be (or should have been) a perfectionist at least once in a while? LOL. I mean, I guess the reason I've stalled out for so much of my life was that I was waiting to be perfect before taking a single step. So I didn't suffer so much from the pain of trying to be perfect because I didn't even try. The line from Eliot's "Prufrock" "Do I dare disturb the universe?" has haunted me since high school, and during Tempest it became a rallying cry for me and a friend - "Let's disturb the universe!"
One thing I've been embracing lately is the idea that in order to write a good song you have to write at least a hundred shitty songs. I've written both good and shitty songs, so it's not a lesson I thought I had to learn again, but it's been propelling my creative energy like nothing else lately. I'm finishing mediocre work now instead of leaving fragments and it's making me happy.
I'm answering a question from Holly below, but am sharing it here because it so relates to what everyone is talking about, and what Holly's newsletter talked about. Richard Schwartz is the founder of the modality of therapy/healing called Internal Family Systems, which is all about bringing "exiled" parts of yourself into the present and healing them - giving them a seat at the table. For me, it was/is a total game-changer. As the IFS name implies, he's developed a whole "system" for identifying and understanding - and finally, integrating - the various "parts" of ourselves. His premise is that there are no bad parts, that they all are serving a role/function, that they get burdened with roles they don't want, but those parts can be "unburdened" of their unwanted role, so their true nature can come forth. The other part of his premise is that there is, within everyone, a true Self, that cannot be destroyed, is always available to us, and knows how to heal, and part of IFS work is re-connecting with that Self. (The Self, according to IFS, is characterized by the "8 C's": calmness, clarity, compassion, curiosity, confidence, courage, creativity, and connectedness.)
I have found it so so so powerful, and hugely healing. I recommend this interview with him, where he explains how he came up with this system, and gives a great overview of it: https://resources.soundstrue.com/podcast/no-bad-parts/.
He has recently published a book, No Bad Parts, which I have but haven't gotten into (yet). I also took an on-line "master class" of his, where he demonstrated the approach, using a real person, and it was, not to exaggerate but to really be honest, life-changing for me (it was a paid class, and is no longer available on-line, so I can't share the link). So there's a zillion youtube's of him, and I recommend "live" demonstrations and lectures, rather than the book. Or in addition to.
He also has a full training program for therapists, so there are "certified" IFS therapists out there. He's formed an institute to carry on the work, and the website is full of information: https://ifs-institute.com/
Ha ha, I'm kind of over the top in my enthusiasm for this, but so much of the conversation is reminding me of IFS practice... so, if it's helpful, good; if not, ok too. :)
I personally LOVE the unpolished brain dump-the act or an instance of comprehensively and uncritically expressing and recording one's thoughts and ideas (as on a particular topic)!!
So much more relatable than the polished version most days.
Thank you for taking on the weekly emails- I am so happy reading them!!
I look forward to your newsletters each week. You could literally blast out only a haiku and I'd be tuning in because I know I'm going to learn something about myself through your stories.
Also I would 100% be stressing myself out over hard burpee or easy burpee. Again, glad it's not just me!
Thank you so much for this! I’m finally comfortable in the middle of my recovery after so much self doubt. Your words each week seem to be exactly what I need and speak to where I am. I’m a work in progress and at I’m ok with it. Love you!
I'm reading 'No Bad Parts' at the moment, and it's causing me to rethink so much of my conditioning around all the parts of myself that I fear, that are 'unskilful', that I hide in the basement, that are 'character defects' (in AA parlance - ugh). Just in the way that you have described inviting the 'worthless' girl to sit down at the table with you, he describes inviting those parts that have been exiled to talk about what they are trying to do and why and recognising that however fucked up they might be, ultimately they want what is best for me. For me, it's not so much a choice between perfectionism and mediocrity because something can still be good, can still have value, and not be either perfect or mediocre. For me, all your writing has value Holly, even if it doesn't feel 'perfect' to you!
Well said, thanks for letting us know we aren’t alone in these feelings. Is ambition a point on the same line or a third place on a triangle? I’ve often been snarled in it and it’s played significant roles in both my addiction and sobriety.
I just realized why i love this newsletter - and you - so much. I am in the messy, mediocre, place. Honestly, I have been here for most of my life except for those, you know, fleeting few minutes of attaining something. Mostly what i have read about, and been so allured by, is the experiences of people who have attained something and are telling me their story of how they did it and, also, how i can to (!!). And i keep falling for it because, as you continue to so honestly and vulnerably write/speak about, this messy place fucking sucks. It's so unbearably uncomfortable and i keep wanting out and it is so damn easy to find people selling me something that will help me get out. Thank you for your willingness to write about this messy place. I feel a deep sigh of relief reading your essays - you are creating a space where i feel like i can finally stop pretending that i am doing great all the damn time and actually learn to live (or not run away) in that place where i am not perfect. Thank you.
Oh Holly! I needed to read this TODAY! I am putting together (read: putting off) my portfolio in order to look for a new position after leaving a job I had for 24 years! Between this and your episode #3 of Quitted I feel like I am being held and seen. Thank you for your love and bravery and for connecting.
You’re the epitome of adorable 🥰
Holy shit.
"she only wears robes" 💓