I was listening to a podcast on anxiety recovery the other day and there was an episode on nervous system regulation which kind of blew my mind. Essentially they argued that our current preoccupation with being dysregulated often leads us to all these proactive and reactive interventions to prevent it, and while many of them may be considered ‘healthy’ (meditation, movement etc), when we engage in them to avoid or produce an emotional state they simply end up reinforcing a message that there’s danger in feeling that way or a problem that needs to be fixed. Which then causes us to clench and ultimately perpetuates the cycle. They argued that we might be better off accepting periods of dysregulation as a natural and normal part of being a human being. One that we mostly don’t need to do anything about, beyond putting one foot in front of the other.
As to how we know if we’re giving up or just giving ourselves a break, I also nod to my OCD recovery work. We don’t know. There’s no magic formula or feeling that’s going to guide us to the ‘right’ answer. It’s like all that BS advice that says ‘fear sounds like this, intuition feels like this.’ No it doesn’t. It’s all a punt. One we make up a story about afterwards, depending on which way it goes.
At most we have our best guesses, which hopefully get ‘better’ with age and experience but truly, who the hell knows? My goal these days is to make more choices knowing full well they could absolutely be the wrong ones.
This is spot on for me, so well said. We really don't know, we guess and punt and scramble. And as a person who has lived and learned to live with Pure O/OCD I embrace "uncertainty" because ultimately it all is and I really don't have a choice. Lately I find myself in states of apathy and acceptance, wondering if it's depression..... well, it is but not in the sense that I'm going to try and find a "solution" - there isn't one. Except to put one foot forward and repeat.
What you describe here feels like my relationship with movement. One of my prior addictions that kept my alcohol addiction afloat was running. I was drinking daily amidst training for marathons. I told myself there is no way I could have a drinking problem b/c look at how many miles I log. No problem to see here.
Now, 4 years without alcohol and I keep trying to go back to running or a regular exercise routine and something inside gnaws at me b/c I feel like all I am doing when I go running is run away from myself. My body craves everything slow now and I am having a really hard time accepting that.
Thanks for helping me kneed that out.
Wish I had resources but all I have is my own angst 🙃
For many, many years now running has been a positive coping for me for my mental health. So many things at once: time alone, repetitive movement, nature, etc. But also empowerment! Self improvement! Strength building- inner strength and body strength!
Recently, I hit a wall. Something shifted in my body and every run felt like dragging myself through the mud. I began to dread regular runs regardless of how many miles were planned. I suddenly stopped and dropped out of a marathon training I’d been working. I haven’t run at all since.
I’m really struggling through the question of whether I’m just listening to my body and giving it what it needs or if I’m quitting. Will I ever go back to this thing that I love(d)? What do I replace it with in terms of coping mechanism if I don’t go back?
Obviously I don’t have answers. I just wanted to chime in and be part of this thoughtful thread.
yeah, I don't have this with running but I do with some other things (well, the medidtation obviously). It's such a good question to hold, of what's actually going on or what's trying to be communicated, and can we hear it.
Thank you for sharing this here, Sara. I 1,000 percent understand.
"I’m really struggling through the question of whether I’m just listening to my body and giving it what it needs or if I’m quitting." That is where I stand and struggle, too.
I keep telling myself that my body has wisdom and intelligence that my mind just can't understand or relate to. So, I'm letting myself not run. I don't know if that helps you at all but I hope hearing that you're not alone does.
Also, hiking has helped me. It checks off all the boxes that running did except the pace is not intended to be fast or tracked (at least how I hike).
I have found Internal Family Systems work to be very helpful with this. I don’t have a link—I’m in a group that’s specific to El Salvador and I haven’t read any of the books, but I think No Bad Parts is a good place to start. If you are at all familiar with the concept, I hope this makes sense: I try to identify whether my idea that I “should” do something or even that I “want” to do it is coming from a “part” (like my inner critic or the inner teenager who wants to sleep all the time and avoid my responsibilities), or my “true self,” the compassionate, courageous, and wise part of me that knows, for example, that I’ll enjoy the dance class once I get there and that I want to be in good health for my kids and my future (instead of being caught in a war between the part of me that says I’m bad and lazy for not wanting to go the gym and I’d better get there if I want to be “good,” and the part of me that says “you can’t make me,” etc.) I hope this helps and thanks for generating this conversation!
I do this for a living- therapists are all about "shoulds" but I work different I am about - ready or willing or need. Do you need to change it all at once, or do you need to just like take a nap. Do you need to change your whole diet or do you need to just eat some food instead of no food. Do you need to meditate everyday and write down 10 things your grateful for? Or do you need to say to yourself "at least I got off the couch today". Our society is stuck in a pass or fail system. If we don't do it, it's giving up. What happened to process and to living our lives in a journey way. Where we experience things and learn and trust ourselves along the way. I think this pass or fail system just makes us trust ourselves less and rely more and more on what's outside of us to dictate what we should and shouldn't be doing. I think the antidote is go back- it's a journey, there are small things and small steps. It's not pass or fail. Fuck I cannot meditate right now at all but writing us helpful. So I pivot. I don't give up I just pivot and follow the journey.
So glad your back. I remember you coming up to me 3 years ago at a retreat asking - who are you? That really stuck with me. Because I always thought of myself as small and powerless and insufficient. In that moment you really held up a mirror. That I wasn't any of those things. It changed my life. Thanks for doing that!
This post has really sparked a lot of thoughts for me. I think we live in a time where we think about thinking more than ever. We have countless options out there on how to optimize everything. We scrutinize every detail of our existence from the amount of sugar we intake to how much REM sleep we get. And I'm guilty of it all, especially since I chose sobriety 5 plus years ago. I have taken the deep dive into AA, even tried on god (again) - I'm an atheist. Yes, I was desperate. Taken sobriety courses, joined other sobriety groups and quit it all at times out of sheer exhaustion of trying to find..... something. I've jumped between acceptance and apathy, shut down my sobriety apps and groups, retreated and then confessed I need help and "crawled" back with my tail between my legs being a "good boy" - I've lately wondered why I/we make such a big deal about being sober. Does it need such a heavy "i'm in recovery" umbrella over it? Why can't it be lighter. Really, why can't I be lighter? So, your words hit and I thought I'd start typing. So I relate, a lot.
I agree. That is something that I've been working on for the last year. I'm learning I can let go of this idea that recovery is a lifetime and my addiction is doing pushups if I'm on the couch......
Oh and another thing I like to do is ask myself “what would love do?” Love might tuck me up in bed with a hot water bottle, love might run a bath, love might book an appointment with the doctor or love might make me a cup of tea and some flapjacks or love might take me for a walk and so on…
The only solution to this that I've found is to try figure out why I want to be different than I am.
Sometimes the answer is wrapped up with unproductive 'shoulds' and in this case I will usually throw it away.
But sometimes it's about something I actually want for myself, and I'd want it even if no one was doing it or had it or thought it was good.
If it's a want, then I have to figure out WHY I want it. If there's an old unmet need wrapped up in it—often there is—then I heal that and see how much of want is left. Usually what happens at that point is that it becomes easy to do the thing so the conflict over whether to forgive self for not doing it or push self to do it evaporates.
I'm trying to write something about this at the moment, and this convo is reminding me I want to (rather than should) finish it, so thank you!
I used to work at Headspace, and I remember asking the founding monk "why can't I stay awake when I'm meditating?" and he was like, "probably because you're sleepy." And I was like *this motherfucker*. Anyway, he was right. I stopped meditating and started taking naps instead.
I not sure if this is on point but it's what I'm writing and thinking about a lot: ambition. Mine has left the building. And while I miss it, I can't will it back. But when I do show up now, I'm less polished, imperfect. And by virtue, I'm more honest. xo
In this context, I think I'm speaking of work ambition. The kind that requires you to "be the face of" the thing you appear to want. (Please don't ask me about general motivation and drive, because that sometimes too. Lol.)
After a brutal week of work I was capable only of listening to Season 6 of Orange Is the New Black on my phone while filling in mandalas on a paint-by-number app. My brain was toast. I was physically exhausted. I usually scream at myself WRITE MEDITATE WALK CHANT RUN DO HOT YOGA DO COLD YOGA SWIM STUDY HINDU GODDESSES CLEAN THE BATHROOM GO TO A MEETING GO GO FIGHT FIGHT DO MORE DO MORE. Instead I just let myself be. I turn 54 tomorrow and I’m going to stop pushing. Well, for today.
I really recognise this. When I feel pressure to do something ‘productive’ or ‘meaningful’ I remind myself that NOT doing so is actually more difficult because it’s uncomfortable and that there is growth in that.
There are so many (hidden) judgments in your questions. Are those judgments helpful? I've grown increasing uncomfortable with the word "should" (and "deserve"). If you "give up" for now, how does that relate to the word "entirely"? Does it mean you stop caring about the issue? Maybe the word "stop" is less judgment-filled and more accurate than "give up." If any of us does one thing that makes another person's life better for even an instant, that gives enough meaning to our time in this life. Holly, you have given so much to so many, and I'm pretty sure that every reader out there has also. At the risk of sounding harsh, it's not all about you - or me - or anyone. We do the best we can, carry the torch for as long as we can, then pass it to whomever is able to carry it next. One single kind thing is great. The rest is gravy. So-called "perfectionism" breeds a lack of compassion. It's hubris in sheep's clothing.
okayyy. Lots here. Of course all that matters is love, what we do for others; a life can be worth living if one does just one thing for another, all that. But then that totally denies how complex and neurotic we are and how we navigate the world, myself included. We all could get over ourselves, realize that it's not about us, but is telling people to just be okay with doing one good thing for another person and be happy that anything else occurs--is that compassionate? Lol. I guess my counter argument is sure, but isn't the last line just bypassing, and discounting how humans actually act, and what they need to want to get out of bed in the morning?
Thanks for taking time to read, digest, and ask interesting questions! My intent was not to tell anyone to do anything. Just proposing a different perspective - one that I was wholly incapable of consistently seeing ten years ago (at the risk of sounding like a boomer) and one that I still struggle with but not as much as I used to. If you can't have compassion for yourself when you need to re-fuel, how can you have compassion for me (or anyone else) when we need to? Is the Earth in perpetual spring/summer, constantly growing and producing? Of course not - it has to go through cycles of rest. Mother Nature has not "given up" in fall and winter. Understanding that intellectually does not equate to understanding it on a visceral level and perhaps that's the rub. How does one come to feel the objective "rightness" of down times? The answer may differ for everyone. For me spending more time in nature has correlated with an increased ability to see and honor my own cycles of action and inaction.
‘does raise this interesting tension about whether I’m giving myself a break that I need, or just fucking giving up.’
I feel that I can declare either of these two positions based on how much I genuinely care about myself because, when I feel that I matter, I’m connected enough to know the difference.
At one point in my life, I thought I was a fuck up whatever I did. Perfectionism was just an opportunity to beat myself for inevitable failure.
I like myself a lot more these days.
Weirdly, it’s much easier to hold myself to account now that I don’t feel I have to.
Hiiii old friend. I just got to substack and am so happy to find you here. I can hear your voice in your writing and it makes me smile. I want to offer you something to consider … your options here are not limiting to taking a break or giving up. It’s also possible that you are changing and your needs are evolving. Your meditation practice may need to look and feel entirely different than it once was. Healing and selfcare also means staying present to what your needs are and honoring that you are a dynamic system. What if this extended pause is simply the gestation for a new expression of you to be born …? I love you. ❤️ E
Aww I can hear your voice in here too! Love you and miss your sweet face. First I'm realizing reading all this that I wrote two options/made this very binary, which doesn't really reflect the actual process/experience or how I've moved through. BUT reading back after comments, realizing I presented it so binary brings up another point which is that for some, this is probably a bit related to neurodivergence?, fluid is terrifying and overwhelming. My brain works in task lists and check boxes and calendar events and structure (or it needs those things to work); and the idea that this practice which I've done in a regimented way mostly (or have had the most success when its regimented), is changing and I'm going to meet it in some new kind of form....anyway those are just thoughts, not for my personal case but what came up. In the end, what I have done is still pretty resembling of your generous suggestion. Love you love you.
This question is so timely for me. I'm in the middle of a year of unplugging and resetting after shutting down my small publishing company and re-engaging with my own creative writing. This follows a massive burnout crash that also coincided with breast cancer and (yay) menopause. So my system was totally fried at the beginning of this year.
My gut has been telling me to ruthlessly prioritize restoring my energy and reconnecting with my sense of what I need and want in life. It has at times been scary and hard to stick to this, because my income is erratic (and not quite enough). And I still need to take care of life's admin and practical tasks; I can't just spend all day every day staring at a mountain.
Having said that, I have spent an INORDINATE amount of time this year staring at mountains and bodies of water, and also, yes, my phone... And I'm glad I have given this to myself.
I'm grappling right now with the very question I think you're asking but phrased a little differently: How do I safely engage with productivity while also in recovery from hustle culture and productivity burnout? Productivity is not like alcohol, which I have cut out of my life. It's more like food when you're recovering from an eating disorder. You can't entirely avoid it. You need to learn how to eat the right amount to sustain life and enjoy your days without tipping over into bingeing or starving. It's a challenge.
My answer to your question "how do you know when you're giving yourself a break and when you're giving up entirely" is like this: When a task is in front of me and I'm resisting doing it, I tune into my body and energy and scan for heavy feelings of aversion. If I feel anything like that, I don't do the thing. Period.
I also scan for feelings of lethargy/ennui/resistance combined with restlessness. If I feel those things AND I intellectually know the task is one I would like to see done (even if I'm not in the "mood" for it), I do it. I do it with the same energetic tone with which I clean my kitchen or sweep my floor. That is, a chop-wood-carry-water kind of gently industrious form of self-care. I give the task to my inner grownup, who will handle it briskly but diligently. I focus on the benefit it will bring to my life's smooth functioning, and on the peace of mind that will come from removing it from my to-do list so I can get back to staring at mountains.
Thank you for continuing to be your honest, brave, outspoken self, Holly!
It's so frustrating when what's "good for you" (in the collective sense) isn't what's good for ME (as an individual). I found my way to Chani Nicholas this year and read, "You Were Born for This - Astrology for Radical Self-Acceptance." Reading my birth chart with her guidance is so illuminating. It's like a user's manual for how I'm wired - and understanding my wiring is the first step to understanding what's right for ME. xoxo
I was listening to a podcast on anxiety recovery the other day and there was an episode on nervous system regulation which kind of blew my mind. Essentially they argued that our current preoccupation with being dysregulated often leads us to all these proactive and reactive interventions to prevent it, and while many of them may be considered ‘healthy’ (meditation, movement etc), when we engage in them to avoid or produce an emotional state they simply end up reinforcing a message that there’s danger in feeling that way or a problem that needs to be fixed. Which then causes us to clench and ultimately perpetuates the cycle. They argued that we might be better off accepting periods of dysregulation as a natural and normal part of being a human being. One that we mostly don’t need to do anything about, beyond putting one foot in front of the other.
As to how we know if we’re giving up or just giving ourselves a break, I also nod to my OCD recovery work. We don’t know. There’s no magic formula or feeling that’s going to guide us to the ‘right’ answer. It’s like all that BS advice that says ‘fear sounds like this, intuition feels like this.’ No it doesn’t. It’s all a punt. One we make up a story about afterwards, depending on which way it goes.
At most we have our best guesses, which hopefully get ‘better’ with age and experience but truly, who the hell knows? My goal these days is to make more choices knowing full well they could absolutely be the wrong ones.
This is spot on for me, so well said. We really don't know, we guess and punt and scramble. And as a person who has lived and learned to live with Pure O/OCD I embrace "uncertainty" because ultimately it all is and I really don't have a choice. Lately I find myself in states of apathy and acceptance, wondering if it's depression..... well, it is but not in the sense that I'm going to try and find a "solution" - there isn't one. Except to put one foot forward and repeat.
fucking brilliant, and especially the part from OCD recovery. Do you have a link to that podcast?
Also interested in podcast link!!
So spot on!
What you describe here feels like my relationship with movement. One of my prior addictions that kept my alcohol addiction afloat was running. I was drinking daily amidst training for marathons. I told myself there is no way I could have a drinking problem b/c look at how many miles I log. No problem to see here.
Now, 4 years without alcohol and I keep trying to go back to running or a regular exercise routine and something inside gnaws at me b/c I feel like all I am doing when I go running is run away from myself. My body craves everything slow now and I am having a really hard time accepting that.
Thanks for helping me kneed that out.
Wish I had resources but all I have is my own angst 🙃
This touched me. I had an image of you going running WITH yourself rather than ‘away from’. I hope you find your way back to running.
Thanks Graham. I’ll try to keep that image in my mind’s eye next time I lace up.
oh this is so good and so familiar. Thanks Allison
For many, many years now running has been a positive coping for me for my mental health. So many things at once: time alone, repetitive movement, nature, etc. But also empowerment! Self improvement! Strength building- inner strength and body strength!
Recently, I hit a wall. Something shifted in my body and every run felt like dragging myself through the mud. I began to dread regular runs regardless of how many miles were planned. I suddenly stopped and dropped out of a marathon training I’d been working. I haven’t run at all since.
I’m really struggling through the question of whether I’m just listening to my body and giving it what it needs or if I’m quitting. Will I ever go back to this thing that I love(d)? What do I replace it with in terms of coping mechanism if I don’t go back?
Obviously I don’t have answers. I just wanted to chime in and be part of this thoughtful thread.
yeah, I don't have this with running but I do with some other things (well, the medidtation obviously). It's such a good question to hold, of what's actually going on or what's trying to be communicated, and can we hear it.
Thank you for sharing this here, Sara. I 1,000 percent understand.
"I’m really struggling through the question of whether I’m just listening to my body and giving it what it needs or if I’m quitting." That is where I stand and struggle, too.
I keep telling myself that my body has wisdom and intelligence that my mind just can't understand or relate to. So, I'm letting myself not run. I don't know if that helps you at all but I hope hearing that you're not alone does.
Also, hiking has helped me. It checks off all the boxes that running did except the pace is not intended to be fast or tracked (at least how I hike).
I have found Internal Family Systems work to be very helpful with this. I don’t have a link—I’m in a group that’s specific to El Salvador and I haven’t read any of the books, but I think No Bad Parts is a good place to start. If you are at all familiar with the concept, I hope this makes sense: I try to identify whether my idea that I “should” do something or even that I “want” to do it is coming from a “part” (like my inner critic or the inner teenager who wants to sleep all the time and avoid my responsibilities), or my “true self,” the compassionate, courageous, and wise part of me that knows, for example, that I’ll enjoy the dance class once I get there and that I want to be in good health for my kids and my future (instead of being caught in a war between the part of me that says I’m bad and lazy for not wanting to go the gym and I’d better get there if I want to be “good,” and the part of me that says “you can’t make me,” etc.) I hope this helps and thanks for generating this conversation!
oh this is so good.
I do this for a living- therapists are all about "shoulds" but I work different I am about - ready or willing or need. Do you need to change it all at once, or do you need to just like take a nap. Do you need to change your whole diet or do you need to just eat some food instead of no food. Do you need to meditate everyday and write down 10 things your grateful for? Or do you need to say to yourself "at least I got off the couch today". Our society is stuck in a pass or fail system. If we don't do it, it's giving up. What happened to process and to living our lives in a journey way. Where we experience things and learn and trust ourselves along the way. I think this pass or fail system just makes us trust ourselves less and rely more and more on what's outside of us to dictate what we should and shouldn't be doing. I think the antidote is go back- it's a journey, there are small things and small steps. It's not pass or fail. Fuck I cannot meditate right now at all but writing us helpful. So I pivot. I don't give up I just pivot and follow the journey.
Amazing.
So glad your back. I remember you coming up to me 3 years ago at a retreat asking - who are you? That really stuck with me. Because I always thought of myself as small and powerless and insufficient. In that moment you really held up a mirror. That I wasn't any of those things. It changed my life. Thanks for doing that!
wait I just came up to you and said "who are you?" like a creep?
Yeah you did! Lol I read on the mic and you just came up to me bewildered and said "who are you??" I was like.. "hi I'm ameara nice to meet you?"
I like the “pivot and follow the journey”. For me that feels better than feeling stuck and cornered by the shoulds.
This post has really sparked a lot of thoughts for me. I think we live in a time where we think about thinking more than ever. We have countless options out there on how to optimize everything. We scrutinize every detail of our existence from the amount of sugar we intake to how much REM sleep we get. And I'm guilty of it all, especially since I chose sobriety 5 plus years ago. I have taken the deep dive into AA, even tried on god (again) - I'm an atheist. Yes, I was desperate. Taken sobriety courses, joined other sobriety groups and quit it all at times out of sheer exhaustion of trying to find..... something. I've jumped between acceptance and apathy, shut down my sobriety apps and groups, retreated and then confessed I need help and "crawled" back with my tail between my legs being a "good boy" - I've lately wondered why I/we make such a big deal about being sober. Does it need such a heavy "i'm in recovery" umbrella over it? Why can't it be lighter. Really, why can't I be lighter? So, your words hit and I thought I'd start typing. So I relate, a lot.
I'm going to go eat a cookie.
My bones feel this
I agree. That is something that I've been working on for the last year. I'm learning I can let go of this idea that recovery is a lifetime and my addiction is doing pushups if I'm on the couch......
Oh and another thing I like to do is ask myself “what would love do?” Love might tuck me up in bed with a hot water bottle, love might run a bath, love might book an appointment with the doctor or love might make me a cup of tea and some flapjacks or love might take me for a walk and so on…
oh I love that so, so much.
The only solution to this that I've found is to try figure out why I want to be different than I am.
Sometimes the answer is wrapped up with unproductive 'shoulds' and in this case I will usually throw it away.
But sometimes it's about something I actually want for myself, and I'd want it even if no one was doing it or had it or thought it was good.
If it's a want, then I have to figure out WHY I want it. If there's an old unmet need wrapped up in it—often there is—then I heal that and see how much of want is left. Usually what happens at that point is that it becomes easy to do the thing so the conflict over whether to forgive self for not doing it or push self to do it evaporates.
I'm trying to write something about this at the moment, and this convo is reminding me I want to (rather than should) finish it, so thank you!
I used to work at Headspace, and I remember asking the founding monk "why can't I stay awake when I'm meditating?" and he was like, "probably because you're sleepy." And I was like *this motherfucker*. Anyway, he was right. I stopped meditating and started taking naps instead.
lol. And? Are you an ascended master now?
Hell yeah. I can fall asleep anywhere. 😂
This is excellent and ought to be written on everyone’s fridge so they never forget it 😁
I not sure if this is on point but it's what I'm writing and thinking about a lot: ambition. Mine has left the building. And while I miss it, I can't will it back. But when I do show up now, I'm less polished, imperfect. And by virtue, I'm more honest. xo
Like all ambition or work ambition? Ambition in what sense and also me too lol.
In this context, I think I'm speaking of work ambition. The kind that requires you to "be the face of" the thing you appear to want. (Please don't ask me about general motivation and drive, because that sometimes too. Lol.)
After a brutal week of work I was capable only of listening to Season 6 of Orange Is the New Black on my phone while filling in mandalas on a paint-by-number app. My brain was toast. I was physically exhausted. I usually scream at myself WRITE MEDITATE WALK CHANT RUN DO HOT YOGA DO COLD YOGA SWIM STUDY HINDU GODDESSES CLEAN THE BATHROOM GO TO A MEETING GO GO FIGHT FIGHT DO MORE DO MORE. Instead I just let myself be. I turn 54 tomorrow and I’m going to stop pushing. Well, for today.
I really recognise this. When I feel pressure to do something ‘productive’ or ‘meaningful’ I remind myself that NOT doing so is actually more difficult because it’s uncomfortable and that there is growth in that.
There are so many (hidden) judgments in your questions. Are those judgments helpful? I've grown increasing uncomfortable with the word "should" (and "deserve"). If you "give up" for now, how does that relate to the word "entirely"? Does it mean you stop caring about the issue? Maybe the word "stop" is less judgment-filled and more accurate than "give up." If any of us does one thing that makes another person's life better for even an instant, that gives enough meaning to our time in this life. Holly, you have given so much to so many, and I'm pretty sure that every reader out there has also. At the risk of sounding harsh, it's not all about you - or me - or anyone. We do the best we can, carry the torch for as long as we can, then pass it to whomever is able to carry it next. One single kind thing is great. The rest is gravy. So-called "perfectionism" breeds a lack of compassion. It's hubris in sheep's clothing.
okayyy. Lots here. Of course all that matters is love, what we do for others; a life can be worth living if one does just one thing for another, all that. But then that totally denies how complex and neurotic we are and how we navigate the world, myself included. We all could get over ourselves, realize that it's not about us, but is telling people to just be okay with doing one good thing for another person and be happy that anything else occurs--is that compassionate? Lol. I guess my counter argument is sure, but isn't the last line just bypassing, and discounting how humans actually act, and what they need to want to get out of bed in the morning?
Thanks for taking time to read, digest, and ask interesting questions! My intent was not to tell anyone to do anything. Just proposing a different perspective - one that I was wholly incapable of consistently seeing ten years ago (at the risk of sounding like a boomer) and one that I still struggle with but not as much as I used to. If you can't have compassion for yourself when you need to re-fuel, how can you have compassion for me (or anyone else) when we need to? Is the Earth in perpetual spring/summer, constantly growing and producing? Of course not - it has to go through cycles of rest. Mother Nature has not "given up" in fall and winter. Understanding that intellectually does not equate to understanding it on a visceral level and perhaps that's the rub. How does one come to feel the objective "rightness" of down times? The answer may differ for everyone. For me spending more time in nature has correlated with an increased ability to see and honor my own cycles of action and inaction.
You write,
‘does raise this interesting tension about whether I’m giving myself a break that I need, or just fucking giving up.’
I feel that I can declare either of these two positions based on how much I genuinely care about myself because, when I feel that I matter, I’m connected enough to know the difference.
At one point in my life, I thought I was a fuck up whatever I did. Perfectionism was just an opportunity to beat myself for inevitable failure.
I like myself a lot more these days.
Weirdly, it’s much easier to hold myself to account now that I don’t feel I have to.
Hiiii old friend. I just got to substack and am so happy to find you here. I can hear your voice in your writing and it makes me smile. I want to offer you something to consider … your options here are not limiting to taking a break or giving up. It’s also possible that you are changing and your needs are evolving. Your meditation practice may need to look and feel entirely different than it once was. Healing and selfcare also means staying present to what your needs are and honoring that you are a dynamic system. What if this extended pause is simply the gestation for a new expression of you to be born …? I love you. ❤️ E
Aww I can hear your voice in here too! Love you and miss your sweet face. First I'm realizing reading all this that I wrote two options/made this very binary, which doesn't really reflect the actual process/experience or how I've moved through. BUT reading back after comments, realizing I presented it so binary brings up another point which is that for some, this is probably a bit related to neurodivergence?, fluid is terrifying and overwhelming. My brain works in task lists and check boxes and calendar events and structure (or it needs those things to work); and the idea that this practice which I've done in a regimented way mostly (or have had the most success when its regimented), is changing and I'm going to meet it in some new kind of form....anyway those are just thoughts, not for my personal case but what came up. In the end, what I have done is still pretty resembling of your generous suggestion. Love you love you.
I listen to a creativity podcast that offers a lot of great resources for these kinds of questions. It’s called “The Spake File.”
Perfectionism
https://open.spotify.com/episode/71wej6XW6D0Gc9qMfr8xQt?si=6ouaS-1nSxWt62pkJwFUbA
Does our inner chatter matter?
https://open.spotify.com/episode/69HQfouSF7DlwD8ePs4knk?si=oA-cQB8UQQuBchHn-55dpg
Wintering
https://open.spotify.com/episode/3GzuUEeBH6G00j47Dgzvev?si=78mU_QQ-QJe39NCE1uyALA
Thank you for these!
This question is so timely for me. I'm in the middle of a year of unplugging and resetting after shutting down my small publishing company and re-engaging with my own creative writing. This follows a massive burnout crash that also coincided with breast cancer and (yay) menopause. So my system was totally fried at the beginning of this year.
My gut has been telling me to ruthlessly prioritize restoring my energy and reconnecting with my sense of what I need and want in life. It has at times been scary and hard to stick to this, because my income is erratic (and not quite enough). And I still need to take care of life's admin and practical tasks; I can't just spend all day every day staring at a mountain.
Having said that, I have spent an INORDINATE amount of time this year staring at mountains and bodies of water, and also, yes, my phone... And I'm glad I have given this to myself.
I'm grappling right now with the very question I think you're asking but phrased a little differently: How do I safely engage with productivity while also in recovery from hustle culture and productivity burnout? Productivity is not like alcohol, which I have cut out of my life. It's more like food when you're recovering from an eating disorder. You can't entirely avoid it. You need to learn how to eat the right amount to sustain life and enjoy your days without tipping over into bingeing or starving. It's a challenge.
My answer to your question "how do you know when you're giving yourself a break and when you're giving up entirely" is like this: When a task is in front of me and I'm resisting doing it, I tune into my body and energy and scan for heavy feelings of aversion. If I feel anything like that, I don't do the thing. Period.
I also scan for feelings of lethargy/ennui/resistance combined with restlessness. If I feel those things AND I intellectually know the task is one I would like to see done (even if I'm not in the "mood" for it), I do it. I do it with the same energetic tone with which I clean my kitchen or sweep my floor. That is, a chop-wood-carry-water kind of gently industrious form of self-care. I give the task to my inner grownup, who will handle it briskly but diligently. I focus on the benefit it will bring to my life's smooth functioning, and on the peace of mind that will come from removing it from my to-do list so I can get back to staring at mountains.
Thank you for continuing to be your honest, brave, outspoken self, Holly!
xo
It's so frustrating when what's "good for you" (in the collective sense) isn't what's good for ME (as an individual). I found my way to Chani Nicholas this year and read, "You Were Born for This - Astrology for Radical Self-Acceptance." Reading my birth chart with her guidance is so illuminating. It's like a user's manual for how I'm wired - and understanding my wiring is the first step to understanding what's right for ME. xoxo