“I got it, I lost it”: A thread
“I got it, I lost it”: A thread
Retry: I posted it and substack lost it
Resending because right as I published this, Substack crashed (anyone else feel like they’re having a personal mercury retrograde this week?!).
Thanks for your patience and sorry to the folks who posted a comment.
This is a thread about the feeling of having “had” something and lost it. It could be a sense of feeling close to God/awakening or clarity; having “thrived” in recovery or abstinence and then “lost it” (returned to use or even just lost that initial pink cloud feeling); having done something again you thought you’d never do again; anything where you feel like you finally nailed it and then all the sudden there you are, back in it.
You can talk about your own experience of it, if you’re in it what it’s like, if you’re on the other side of it what things helped you navigate it.
I’m interested in this topic for a few reasons. One, because of my own experience the last few years which has felt underworld, especially after having achieved certain statuses and accomplished certain things. Two, because I don’t think there’s a lot of resources out there for this particular experience, especially in recovery spaces (most resources are for the beginning, not the middle). And three: because it’s fascinating to me and what I’m knee deep in reading about, and I want to hear from you.
(“I got it, I lost it” is a chapter in this book.)
xxH
I love anything recovery and wanted to share my personal journey and I hope it may help anyone else that is going through something similar. 11 years ago I decided I needed to get sober to find a life partner and marriage, nobody would want the non-sober me, trust me... I attended AA and worked the steps and my fellowship side was quite strong, I sponsored, and had a lot of service commitments. Eventually I stopped talking to my sponsor and people close to me in the program. I stopped attending meetings and being involved with the fellowship. Essentially I was the classic story of doing the steps in reverse.
About 7 years into sobriety, that middle ground I think you’re referring to, I had to face some trauma from my past of being molested. I started therapy and did EMDR. I had all these tools I learned from AA, but now they weren’t readily available. Could they have been? Probably, but I was deep in self-pity and self loathing. Around this time my wife and I were doing IVF and completed 8 rounds with no successful results to have a child. I had no desire to pick up a drink, but did start using cocaine to cope. I stayed using for 4 years on and off and could not stop.
15 months ago I was blessed to adopt a beautiful baby straight from birth. I convinced myself this life altering event was enough to keep me sober, but for personally I could not. I started using at night while my wife and baby were asleep and then I started using during the day to stay awake. I realized how out of hand I was getting and started an outpatient program. I immediately was back with like-minded individuals who were staying sober and working a program. It was the best decision I’ve ever made and proud to say I’m now sober, again, for 6 months.
It’s been an amazing journey and, “I do not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it.” I realize I can be of help to other addicts who have gone back out or others who may have childhood trauma similar to mine that they have never disclosed or felt comfortable sharing with anyone. I’ve been filled with resentments, fear, and the wanting to control every outcome because of not being able to control what happened to me as a child. I’m now living with love, compassion, and empathy for others and everyday is a new experience for me that I love and am grateful of.
Thank you for the topic. Sharing will keep me sober just for today. Tomorrow will be a new day to conquer and I’ll deal with it then.
I have gotten it and lost it so many times I started calling myself The Comeback Kid. I was always coming back from something. Example: I trained for a year to run a marathon, ran it, could barely finish a 5K because I was so beat up. Got it, lost it, came back…different. I started running differently. I had loved training, but without a goal, I ran for fun. Running for fun wasn’t that much fun, but I still wanted to burn a lot of calories, so I started yoga. Enrolled in yoga teacher training for one 20-hour weekend each month for 11-months to get a lot of yoga in a short time (very yogic, right?), got my certificate, but realized I didn’t enjoy teaching, I just liked practicing. Got it, lost it, threw myself into Ashtanga yoga. I think the pattern is emerging. Maybe getting “it,” and losing “it” isn’t a failure but just part of the process? Maybe it IS the process? Maybe always coming back is simply becoming.