Resending because right as I published this, Substack crashed (anyone else feel like they’re having a personal mercury retrograde this week?!).
Thanks for your patience and sorry to the folks who posted a comment.
This is a thread about the feeling of having “had” something and lost it. It could be a sense of feeling close to God/awakening or clarity; having “thrived” in recovery or abstinence and then “lost it” (returned to use or even just lost that initial pink cloud feeling); having done something again you thought you’d never do again; anything where you feel like you finally nailed it and then all the sudden there you are, back in it.
You can talk about your own experience of it, if you’re in it what it’s like, if you’re on the other side of it what things helped you navigate it.
I’m interested in this topic for a few reasons. One, because of my own experience the last few years which has felt underworld, especially after having achieved certain statuses and accomplished certain things. Two, because I don’t think there’s a lot of resources out there for this particular experience, especially in recovery spaces (most resources are for the beginning, not the middle). And three: because it’s fascinating to me and what I’m knee deep in reading about, and I want to hear from you.
(“I got it, I lost it” is a chapter in this book.)
xxH
My days/weeks/months/years are an ebb and flow of trusting myself and my ability to write, and then questioning why I thought I could trust myself, and then questioning why I questioned.
I have gotten it and lost it so many times I started calling myself The Comeback Kid. I was always coming back from something. Example: I trained for a year to run a marathon, ran it, could barely finish a 5K because I was so beat up. Got it, lost it, came back…different. I started running differently. I had loved training, but without a goal, I ran for fun. Running for fun wasn’t that much fun, but I still wanted to burn a lot of calories, so I started yoga. Enrolled in yoga teacher training for one 20-hour weekend each month for 11-months to get a lot of yoga in a short time (very yogic, right?), got my certificate, but realized I didn’t enjoy teaching, I just liked practicing. Got it, lost it, threw myself into Ashtanga yoga. I think the pattern is emerging. Maybe getting “it,” and losing “it” isn’t a failure but just part of the process? Maybe it IS the process? Maybe always coming back is simply becoming.