My days/weeks/months/years are an ebb and flow of trusting myself and my ability to write, and then questioning why I thought I could trust myself, and then questioning why I questioned.
I have gotten it and lost it so many times I started calling myself The Comeback Kid. I was always coming back from something. Example: I trained for a year to run a marathon, ran it, could barely finish a 5K because I was so beat up. Got it, lost it, came back…different. I started running differently. I had loved training, but without a goal, I ran for fun. Running for fun wasn’t that much fun, but I still wanted to burn a lot of calories, so I started yoga. Enrolled in yoga teacher training for one 20-hour weekend each month for 11-months to get a lot of yoga in a short time (very yogic, right?), got my certificate, but realized I didn’t enjoy teaching, I just liked practicing. Got it, lost it, threw myself into Ashtanga yoga. I think the pattern is emerging. Maybe getting “it,” and losing “it” isn’t a failure but just part of the process? Maybe it IS the process? Maybe always coming back is simply becoming.
This weekend was the ultimate "i got it, I lost it". Debt, ED behaviors and wine during a play date bc I wanted to fit in with new mom friends. All in a few short days.
After 2-3 years of pink-cloud living, I feel like I'm loosing this new identity of "recovered" I had cultivated.
It feels like water running through my fingers, slipping past, unable to grasp it or reel it back. Terrified at the thought of things unraveling further.
Today, I'm turning the "faucet" off. Those choices were made, that time is gone. Onward. Forward. But first, time to retreat and recalibrate. I'm multi-faceted. And, I'm wiser today, on guard...and checking out this book!
I’m grappling with my own got it, lost it crisis right now, and becoming aware how much it’s requiring me to shift my sense of self also. I moved countries, quit my corporate job, built a coaching/writing/yoga teaching business, thrived in my sobriety truly built a life I didn’t need a holiday from - now I’m back in the corporate world, in the city I started in once again counting down to every. single. holiday and wondering how tf did I get here again. I have no answers today but finding solace in the concept.
I was a standout student, mainly to cover up a violent unsafe home. So as soon as I got to college on my own, I spent my first semester doing anything but studying because I felt free for the first time. I ended up flunking out and restarting somewhere else, but it's been a reoccurring theme for me as a deep people pleaser. I get a sense of who I am and then I lose it in order to be accepted and never seen as an outsider. Now at 42, sober, medicated, and therapized, I have it maybe 70% of the time and honestly, I'll take it.
Jul 14, 2023·edited Jul 14, 2023Liked by Holly Whitaker
I had it and lost it this week...have been having private coaching too and after many years of trying to ditch the wine...one of my biggest triggers is staying with me for 3 weeks...I'm being a decent person in other ways...being responsible for my lovely 80 yr Dad and organising our holiday..going fishing together but started on the wine again while cooking us nice meals. Not beating myself up as I'm too tired...but hope to get back on track soon..hard to believe I couldn't abstain...i'm not drinking bottles n bottles but still....so yes...I fkin lost it ...
I got my whole life- I got the dream job, the amazing girlfriend/partner I was going to propose at a giant concert of our mutual favourite singer in Verona in September and I had a ring and I had it all set up. Then I lost it all but I didn't loose my life. I saved my life. I got myself to an ER and saved my life instead of getting on a plane that would have killed me. And then I had to grieve it all especially the partner who told me it was anxiety and told me to just get on the plane. I had to let it all go. I spent the last 4 months rebuilding my last from scratch- rebuild my private practice, going to therapy, making new friends, and dating again. Being back at ground zero was horrible but it was a redirection i have embrace because if i dont what is the alternative? If I held onto the partner and the dream job and everything I was just grasping at straws. And it made me feel utterly powerless. When everything was already so out of my control. So I had to focus on what I could control which was letting it all go. And starting over. And starting from where my feet were, and I just started waking up to the moments of everyday I never thought I'd have again. And that's all I need right now, the moments I never thought I'd have again- good coffee, yoga in the Park and maybe holding a loves hand while laying in the grass. That's it. Back to basics and that's all that really matters. Nothing else matters but simple small things. And I am just starting the rebuilding ... again. And its tiring but im grateful I get another shot at it.
Two summers ago, I got my first big photo gig since the Year of our Covid had begun. We were between variants (although we were unaware), I had just invested about 5K in a new camera system (the most I'd ever spent), and I'd finally raised my prices for weddings (I've been a photographer for 25 years). They even commissioned a robe for the bride and she was so happy with it. I was feeling good. The wedding was great and I was really happy with what I had captured. Well, something happened when I went to download them onto my computer and not to get in the weeds of that, basically my card got corrupted and I lost all 800 of them. I let out a scream so wretched, my kids bolted from their rooms, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think. I've never experienced an unexpected death of someone close to me but I imagine it's a shred close. It took a lot of phone calls between bouts of panic/coma that I found a company who could possibly recover them. Fast forward: they did but I basically didn't breathe for 10 days. And get this, it cost to the penny what I had charged to shoot the wedding.
Suffice it to say, I ransacked every nook and cranny for the meaning to this. I shook my fist at God like, Haven't I paid my karma debt?? I thought about selling my brand new camera system and of course, I swore I'd never shoot another wedding again so help me.
Time is so stingy with her insights but generous of grace. I didn't sell my camera. I even said yes to another wedding but only because it was a friend of a friend and the venue seemed interesting. I didn't mention that my community showed up for me during that dreadful 10 days, showering me with hundreds of Venmo transactions in $5 increments over about a 24 hour period. With every little phone ding, I had to practice receiving. Perhaps that was the lesson or something like: shitty shit happens, you can strive or not, take up space or not, it doesn't matter because no one is immune, and sometimes you're held. It's how I respond and I may surprise myself. xox.
I used to be a runner. Like a runner since I was 11 years old (I’m 47). I ran lots of miles, ran a lot of races and loved it with my whole heart. But a chronic illness has forced me to quit. It’s been a really difficult two years of trying to leave it behind. Every four to six months I’ll try again and my nervous system says a big fuck you after about three weeks. It sucks. Letting go of something I loved so much has been a practice. A slow, difficult releasing.
I love anything recovery and wanted to share my personal journey and I hope it may help anyone else that is going through something similar. 11 years ago I decided I needed to get sober to find a life partner and marriage, nobody would want the non-sober me, trust me... I attended AA and worked the steps and my fellowship side was quite strong, I sponsored, and had a lot of service commitments. Eventually I stopped talking to my sponsor and people close to me in the program. I stopped attending meetings and being involved with the fellowship. Essentially I was the classic story of doing the steps in reverse.
About 7 years into sobriety, that middle ground I think you’re referring to, I had to face some trauma from my past of being molested. I started therapy and did EMDR. I had all these tools I learned from AA, but now they weren’t readily available. Could they have been? Probably, but I was deep in self-pity and self loathing. Around this time my wife and I were doing IVF and completed 8 rounds with no successful results to have a child. I had no desire to pick up a drink, but did start using cocaine to cope. I stayed using for 4 years on and off and could not stop.
15 months ago I was blessed to adopt a beautiful baby straight from birth. I convinced myself this life altering event was enough to keep me sober, but for personally I could not. I started using at night while my wife and baby were asleep and then I started using during the day to stay awake. I realized how out of hand I was getting and started an outpatient program. I immediately was back with like-minded individuals who were staying sober and working a program. It was the best decision I’ve ever made and proud to say I’m now sober, again, for 6 months.
It’s been an amazing journey and, “I do not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it.” I realize I can be of help to other addicts who have gone back out or others who may have childhood trauma similar to mine that they have never disclosed or felt comfortable sharing with anyone. I’ve been filled with resentments, fear, and the wanting to control every outcome because of not being able to control what happened to me as a child. I’m now living with love, compassion, and empathy for others and everyday is a new experience for me that I love and am grateful of.
Thank you for the topic. Sharing will keep me sober just for today. Tomorrow will be a new day to conquer and I’ll deal with it then.
Do we ever really "get" a thing? I like this prompt, though I disagree with its premise. I don't think we ever get to have something and keep it. The thing shifts constantly... I "got" the job I wanted and then it wasn't what I thought it would be. I "got" into a relationship I thought I wanted and it turns out that wasn't it, either. To answer the prompt: I've gotten a so-called dream job and lost that, too, when interpersonal relations caused the whole project to crash and our funding along with it. But the binary thinking of have vs have not troubles me... isn't life about the striving, not the getting? Anyone else feeling contrarian today...? Regardless, thank you, Holly, for holding this space.
This thread sucked me in, I should be doing other things but when a topic is mirrored in the world ("losing" the comments) well, this stuff wants to manifest! It's so antithetical to "get" and "let go" simultaneously but so much energy is there when we do. Such worthwhile feelings to explore in the midst of our materialistic culture.
I had a husband (for 55 years) and now I am about to lose him. Guillain-Barre, Miller-Fisher variant, 3 months in ICU. Very severe case, extreme neuron damage. Yes, I am drinking. And thinking about a memorial service.
My days/weeks/months/years are an ebb and flow of trusting myself and my ability to write, and then questioning why I thought I could trust myself, and then questioning why I questioned.
I have gotten it and lost it so many times I started calling myself The Comeback Kid. I was always coming back from something. Example: I trained for a year to run a marathon, ran it, could barely finish a 5K because I was so beat up. Got it, lost it, came back…different. I started running differently. I had loved training, but without a goal, I ran for fun. Running for fun wasn’t that much fun, but I still wanted to burn a lot of calories, so I started yoga. Enrolled in yoga teacher training for one 20-hour weekend each month for 11-months to get a lot of yoga in a short time (very yogic, right?), got my certificate, but realized I didn’t enjoy teaching, I just liked practicing. Got it, lost it, threw myself into Ashtanga yoga. I think the pattern is emerging. Maybe getting “it,” and losing “it” isn’t a failure but just part of the process? Maybe it IS the process? Maybe always coming back is simply becoming.
This weekend was the ultimate "i got it, I lost it". Debt, ED behaviors and wine during a play date bc I wanted to fit in with new mom friends. All in a few short days.
After 2-3 years of pink-cloud living, I feel like I'm loosing this new identity of "recovered" I had cultivated.
It feels like water running through my fingers, slipping past, unable to grasp it or reel it back. Terrified at the thought of things unraveling further.
Today, I'm turning the "faucet" off. Those choices were made, that time is gone. Onward. Forward. But first, time to retreat and recalibrate. I'm multi-faceted. And, I'm wiser today, on guard...and checking out this book!
I’m grappling with my own got it, lost it crisis right now, and becoming aware how much it’s requiring me to shift my sense of self also. I moved countries, quit my corporate job, built a coaching/writing/yoga teaching business, thrived in my sobriety truly built a life I didn’t need a holiday from - now I’m back in the corporate world, in the city I started in once again counting down to every. single. holiday and wondering how tf did I get here again. I have no answers today but finding solace in the concept.
I was a standout student, mainly to cover up a violent unsafe home. So as soon as I got to college on my own, I spent my first semester doing anything but studying because I felt free for the first time. I ended up flunking out and restarting somewhere else, but it's been a reoccurring theme for me as a deep people pleaser. I get a sense of who I am and then I lose it in order to be accepted and never seen as an outsider. Now at 42, sober, medicated, and therapized, I have it maybe 70% of the time and honestly, I'll take it.
I had it and lost it this week...have been having private coaching too and after many years of trying to ditch the wine...one of my biggest triggers is staying with me for 3 weeks...I'm being a decent person in other ways...being responsible for my lovely 80 yr Dad and organising our holiday..going fishing together but started on the wine again while cooking us nice meals. Not beating myself up as I'm too tired...but hope to get back on track soon..hard to believe I couldn't abstain...i'm not drinking bottles n bottles but still....so yes...I fkin lost it ...
I got my whole life- I got the dream job, the amazing girlfriend/partner I was going to propose at a giant concert of our mutual favourite singer in Verona in September and I had a ring and I had it all set up. Then I lost it all but I didn't loose my life. I saved my life. I got myself to an ER and saved my life instead of getting on a plane that would have killed me. And then I had to grieve it all especially the partner who told me it was anxiety and told me to just get on the plane. I had to let it all go. I spent the last 4 months rebuilding my last from scratch- rebuild my private practice, going to therapy, making new friends, and dating again. Being back at ground zero was horrible but it was a redirection i have embrace because if i dont what is the alternative? If I held onto the partner and the dream job and everything I was just grasping at straws. And it made me feel utterly powerless. When everything was already so out of my control. So I had to focus on what I could control which was letting it all go. And starting over. And starting from where my feet were, and I just started waking up to the moments of everyday I never thought I'd have again. And that's all I need right now, the moments I never thought I'd have again- good coffee, yoga in the Park and maybe holding a loves hand while laying in the grass. That's it. Back to basics and that's all that really matters. Nothing else matters but simple small things. And I am just starting the rebuilding ... again. And its tiring but im grateful I get another shot at it.
I totally feel you on the personal Mercury retrograde. The last two weeks have been horrible. Hang in there.
Two summers ago, I got my first big photo gig since the Year of our Covid had begun. We were between variants (although we were unaware), I had just invested about 5K in a new camera system (the most I'd ever spent), and I'd finally raised my prices for weddings (I've been a photographer for 25 years). They even commissioned a robe for the bride and she was so happy with it. I was feeling good. The wedding was great and I was really happy with what I had captured. Well, something happened when I went to download them onto my computer and not to get in the weeds of that, basically my card got corrupted and I lost all 800 of them. I let out a scream so wretched, my kids bolted from their rooms, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think. I've never experienced an unexpected death of someone close to me but I imagine it's a shred close. It took a lot of phone calls between bouts of panic/coma that I found a company who could possibly recover them. Fast forward: they did but I basically didn't breathe for 10 days. And get this, it cost to the penny what I had charged to shoot the wedding.
Suffice it to say, I ransacked every nook and cranny for the meaning to this. I shook my fist at God like, Haven't I paid my karma debt?? I thought about selling my brand new camera system and of course, I swore I'd never shoot another wedding again so help me.
Time is so stingy with her insights but generous of grace. I didn't sell my camera. I even said yes to another wedding but only because it was a friend of a friend and the venue seemed interesting. I didn't mention that my community showed up for me during that dreadful 10 days, showering me with hundreds of Venmo transactions in $5 increments over about a 24 hour period. With every little phone ding, I had to practice receiving. Perhaps that was the lesson or something like: shitty shit happens, you can strive or not, take up space or not, it doesn't matter because no one is immune, and sometimes you're held. It's how I respond and I may surprise myself. xox.
I used to be a runner. Like a runner since I was 11 years old (I’m 47). I ran lots of miles, ran a lot of races and loved it with my whole heart. But a chronic illness has forced me to quit. It’s been a really difficult two years of trying to leave it behind. Every four to six months I’ll try again and my nervous system says a big fuck you after about three weeks. It sucks. Letting go of something I loved so much has been a practice. A slow, difficult releasing.
I love anything recovery and wanted to share my personal journey and I hope it may help anyone else that is going through something similar. 11 years ago I decided I needed to get sober to find a life partner and marriage, nobody would want the non-sober me, trust me... I attended AA and worked the steps and my fellowship side was quite strong, I sponsored, and had a lot of service commitments. Eventually I stopped talking to my sponsor and people close to me in the program. I stopped attending meetings and being involved with the fellowship. Essentially I was the classic story of doing the steps in reverse.
About 7 years into sobriety, that middle ground I think you’re referring to, I had to face some trauma from my past of being molested. I started therapy and did EMDR. I had all these tools I learned from AA, but now they weren’t readily available. Could they have been? Probably, but I was deep in self-pity and self loathing. Around this time my wife and I were doing IVF and completed 8 rounds with no successful results to have a child. I had no desire to pick up a drink, but did start using cocaine to cope. I stayed using for 4 years on and off and could not stop.
15 months ago I was blessed to adopt a beautiful baby straight from birth. I convinced myself this life altering event was enough to keep me sober, but for personally I could not. I started using at night while my wife and baby were asleep and then I started using during the day to stay awake. I realized how out of hand I was getting and started an outpatient program. I immediately was back with like-minded individuals who were staying sober and working a program. It was the best decision I’ve ever made and proud to say I’m now sober, again, for 6 months.
It’s been an amazing journey and, “I do not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it.” I realize I can be of help to other addicts who have gone back out or others who may have childhood trauma similar to mine that they have never disclosed or felt comfortable sharing with anyone. I’ve been filled with resentments, fear, and the wanting to control every outcome because of not being able to control what happened to me as a child. I’m now living with love, compassion, and empathy for others and everyday is a new experience for me that I love and am grateful of.
Thank you for the topic. Sharing will keep me sober just for today. Tomorrow will be a new day to conquer and I’ll deal with it then.
Do we ever really "get" a thing? I like this prompt, though I disagree with its premise. I don't think we ever get to have something and keep it. The thing shifts constantly... I "got" the job I wanted and then it wasn't what I thought it would be. I "got" into a relationship I thought I wanted and it turns out that wasn't it, either. To answer the prompt: I've gotten a so-called dream job and lost that, too, when interpersonal relations caused the whole project to crash and our funding along with it. But the binary thinking of have vs have not troubles me... isn't life about the striving, not the getting? Anyone else feeling contrarian today...? Regardless, thank you, Holly, for holding this space.
This thread sucked me in, I should be doing other things but when a topic is mirrored in the world ("losing" the comments) well, this stuff wants to manifest! It's so antithetical to "get" and "let go" simultaneously but so much energy is there when we do. Such worthwhile feelings to explore in the midst of our materialistic culture.
I had a husband (for 55 years) and now I am about to lose him. Guillain-Barre, Miller-Fisher variant, 3 months in ICU. Very severe case, extreme neuron damage. Yes, I am drinking. And thinking about a memorial service.