I am finding it helpful to lean into reflection, like a lot of people I respect are doing. Ezra Klein, Pod Save America and some of The Daily episodes are illuminating. It feels different than 2016, in some ways more concrete and real, because we can no longer claim Trump to be a fluke. But in other ways I am actually somehow, confusingly, more hopeful.
I love the way you can put words to the experience that many people on the margins will have been feeling for some time. I have been feeling something very similar - some kind of responsibility for collective education which feels as if is no longer needed because everything is much more obvious . I feel very unsure about who I am without the activism roles (and the righteous anger ) and find myself frightened to actually see what that has been hiding including what I could live for me - remnants of old trauma and conditioning - however with the possibility that we could be witnessing the end, what better motivation to do and be whatever we have longed for and in the process of that maybe to create a new world based on authentic expression rather than the desire for power. It's good to hear from you again Holly.
Hi Holly - I sent you an email last week but I don't think it went through. You and I used to follow one another on IG back in the day, when we were both doing the 'influencer' thing. It sounds like you had your crescendo and hit an intolerance wall before I did - though in 2018 I was post-concussion and had begun heavily reconsidering my role as a public figure. That feeling would only increase in my nervous system as my following count grew, but I felt bound to it. This October I said goodbye to my small business - which provided me the platform in the first place - of a decade. My tarot and oracle decks got picked up by a publisher and I took that as my 'out' to finally get the fuck off socials for good. I can't imagine showing up to that space now, and agreed - even showing up here is hard.
I think you mentioned perimenopause in one of your previous pieces or notes - I SWEAR that this was the catalyst for me discovering that I'm neurodivergent and hitting a very thick wall with the desire to people please or be public facing. I have written many pieces here on Sub on this subject and I could talk endlessly about it - but I just wanted to say here + now that everything you said could not be more resonant, felt and is exactly my lived experience.
I'm glad to hear that you've rediscovered your centre in the flurry of the current climate we're living in. I'm still feeling hesitant - mostly in terms of how I want to show up long-term publicly. I want to make sure that what I'm sharing - and how frequently I'm doing so - is sustainable and feels ok. I want to feel like I'm one of many people in a community leading a charge - not having so much attention squarely on me.
I want to write you a dossier on all of this but yes, of course I remember following each other, I have your decks somewhere still and it's so, so good to hear from you here and go through your work and see what you're doing. I also have late-diagnosis ADHD, I am not autistic but fall into the clinical burnout category and also am in peri-menopause and recovery so yes, quite a specific intersection we share <3 I have been going deep into adrienne maree brown's work and reading Emergent Strategy and this exact thing--how do I make it less about me, how do we break out of how we've been socialized in this environment and actually create something that isn't about being exceptional or special, but a voice among voices. I would actually just love to catch up in general but this really felt like my ow thoughts reflected back to me in some way. Big hug and hopefully more to come. xx
I didn’t know you had my decks! That’s so special to hear! And yes, so many intersections. Love adrienne marie brown. I would be so happy to catch up sometime. I’m sure we could chat for a long time about all of this and more 💕
ATTA BABE HOLLY! I love this so much - and such a different format than your essays! So nice to see your lovely face and hear your voice as you tell your story. Refreshing!
How you describe the election results as an extension of what you've been feeling - that is so on point! It's like "Yup, the outside matches the inside now!"
Also allowing yourself to have that grieving/mourning time is SO important! That's what so many people are missing right now, I think - that time to really grieve and give respect and time to what could have been, and mourn that. By doing that it allows us to face our fears, anger, sadness - and then move on to living our lives and doing what we can do to move forward as individuals and communities. If we jump straight to anger, outrage, sadness, fear, etc. without grieving, it doesn't set a strong foundation for moving ahead.
"We are not going to do that anymore." - I LOVE this! So clear and simple. I am SO fucking happy for you. I know you've been in it for the last four years, and I'm so glad you're emerging from that darkness.
You asked how we were, what we were doing - I'm focusing on cultivating my friendships and building community. After separating from my husband in July (we've been together 22 years, more than half my life!) this is hugely important to me. Making time to develop friendships with those younger, older, just plain different from me has been an absolute gift.
Joining different workshops and groups (recently about the cycles of the moon, and how moon transitions and astrology affect our lives and the greater marco-ness of everything) has given back 100-fold to me, especially in times of deep physical weakness. These new friends have uplifted and supported me so much, and I didn't even know them a year ago! Mind-blowing!
Keep on being your bad-ass self sister, I love you!
My friendships with folks that are younger and older are so deeply important to me and become more and more so; I love that for you thanks for bringing that in. What a beautiful testament this is to starting over and how wildly unexpected life ends up being. Thank you for all the thoughts on my work too. Big hug cindy. We got this.
Thank you so much, Holly. Been with you since I took your Hip Sobriety class in Jan 2017 (realized I needed to be sober after he won in 2016) and quit in March of 2017. Best thing I ever did. I am so grateful for your existence as it has helped me so much and we've never even met in person.
But now I just watched you with tears in my eyes as I listened to you bridge together what I have been feeling for the past four years (also went through a few traumatic experiences in 2020 that shook me to my core) but now feeling such a CLARITY after the election. You continue to be such a beacon of light ... not because of what you do, but by opening your heart through transparency and honesty. I feel the same way ... will not let Fear be my God but will let JOY be my Act of Rebellion.
Please keep posting these in person. Connection is how we are going to shift this world.
Hi, my love. It felt so good to sit and just listen to you. You are easily one of my favorite writers, and I would love for you to do more videos just so I can see you more often. 😍 I feel you so much with what you shared, and I love you endlessly.
I am having a really tough time reconciling how I can live in a country that has voted to take away my rights. That white women are reason why. It has made me really realize how much this country hates women and how that call is coming inside the house. It made me realize that hard work really doesn't pay off unless you are a white guy., because everyone who isn't a white guy has to unravel a bunch of obstacles and be 3x better than a mediocre white guy in order to get a seat at that table. And I hate it.
Videos+ADHD, hard to watch. 🤪 Bookmarking for when I have more stamina in the AM.
The current shit storm and ensuing panic reminds me very much of the unpredictable, chaotic home—ruled by a narcissist—that I grew up in. In my micro corner of the world I know, deeply, that all will be well even if it increasingly becomes more hideous. Parts of nature require wild fire to regenerate itself and that’s what I keep returning to. We don’t individually control the timeline but the collective does. Rereads that are soothing/encouraging me:
The Overstory by Richard Powers
Fluke by Brian Klass (we control nothing but influence everything)
Doses of Wilber who you introduced me to!!
Taking good care of my people, contributing to my community in my small ways and remembering that no loving action is ever wasted.
Keep the book recs and things you’re looking coming!! You are a wealth of resources that, when shared, help unstuck your readers. 💓
hi bb! You can listen to on podcast player (you should be?) and if not I'll throw an audio file in bc yes, same, videos+adhd=torture. I love you and I love this so, so much. Thank you for this share.
Ha! I had to do the transcript too because my focus is gone by this point in the day. I've basically been handling my post-election anxiety/rage/fear/whatever this is by being outside as much as humanly possible and reading books. Just started Fluke - glad you liked it!
I spent 2016-2020 being part of the “resistance” while working my full time job. Then survived the pandemic while working full time.
Then spent every day from 1/2/24 - 11/5/24 stressing about the election and doing all I could to get out the vote (while continuing to work full time). Believe me when I say that I am FUCKING DONE with political activism right now.
This is no longer my fight.
It’s equal parts infuriating and heartbreaking to know the majority of voters in this country voted for hitler reincarnated. I’m also frustrated at those who for whatever reason could not be bothered to vote.
I am maintaining my abstinence but I’m clearly not abstinent emotionally. I really feel like what keeping my going most right now is love and care for those in my inner circle, spite, and schadenfreude.
I fought like hell to avoid where we are headed and I failed. Now I am looking forward to those who affirmatively chose this hellscape reap what they have sown.
Sorry for the intensity of my reply and I will delete this comment if you would like. But this is my honest answer to the question “how are you doing?”
No I love your intensity! All things welcome here, no feelings wrong. First: thank you for what you did. Second: just witnessing with you and holding this with you. Thank you for telling me how you're doing because I needed to hear.
I will say the only small upside to the election outcome is that it drove home for me just how very tired I am.
I left direct care in September 2016 after 10 years of working with high needs children. I’ve continued working in a different capacity in social services for the last 8 years (trump round 1, the pandemic etc).
I tend to be a person who works hard as a distraction from feeling (which is better than not being abstinent from my substance of choice, but still not great for me)
I feel very clear that I am not going through trump round 2 the same way I did round 1). I need to focus on my own rest and healing.
I would choose to have my candidate win the election in a heartbeat (and continued to work hard/play hard/fight hard), but I know that I did all that I could and now I need to focus on stepping away from politics.
Also it to clarify I didn’t suddenly become politically active in 2016, but it did change me from just being voter to also doing other things like canvassing etc.
Thank you if you took the time to read all of that.
And truly thank you for holding this space.
I wish I felt calmness and clarity but unfortunately I’m not there right now.
Love you always. This fireside chat felt v cozy and validating. Ever since my book came out last year my personal life has been… *a lot.* Plus struggling with the visibility and so many strangers knowing who I am so hearing your experience really helped. 🫶🏽
Gosh I love you so much. I can't Capitalist! We can't Capitalist anymore! I understand that post-book thing so so well. So much for tenderness for that experience bb.
Listening to you reminded me of something remarkable I noticed in my work during the lockdowns in the pandemic.
Many of my clients who had struggled for years with crippling anxiety felt suddenly emboldened, not just because they didn’t have to go anywhere, but because they saw everyone around them feeling anxious like they did and that stopped them feeling so alone.
When the world around feels as if it’s been reduced to a common denominator we can find strength we didn’t know we had.
I signed up for a paid membership so I could comment and let you know just how deeply I felt everything you said here. In 2021 I left a job in education that had not been good for me for a while (the pandemic accelerated everything) and the whole experience changed how I saw life. I lost my whole community and identity over night. Since then, things have continued to fall apart for me- my health, my relationship, my living situation. I've been existing in luminality for years and, like you, haven't been able to bring it all back together. A deep fatigue follows me and like you I watched all these other people just manage and I felt like a massive failure. I'm in Australia so the election result doesn't mean the same thing to me, but being a close ally means it will likely impact what happens in our election next year. I arrived at the same place as you after years going around in circles. Focusing on little me isn't going to help. We have to find a way to help each other build something more sustainable for those of us who have been living on the edges. I'm not sure if you've come across Sarah Wilson's serialisation project on here about climate collapse. A very heavy topic but I feel it would resonate with you. She cuts through the bullshit well!
YES. The watching all the people manage and feeling like a massive failure. Focusing on little me won't help. I do love Sarah Wilson but I haven't heard of this, thanks so much for the heads up on it. And thanks for this share. Deeply felt.
People tell me they’re going to leave the country. I wonder to myself and go where? Where’s that perfect place where you can just live in Placid security ?
Nope, I’m gonna stay here and be who I am and live my truths. Now is the time.
Politics come and go. Figure out what you can do as far as a job using your excellent skills at writing. It is ok to not be "part of the world". You need a spiritual center. Jesus said my "Kingdom is no part of this world." So if you are feeling this bad about it-it's because you have a good heart. Matt 28:20 this system of material things is going away. So find a geeky policy job where you can research and write and enjoy balance until this passes. Maybe you should consider staying in a science headspace. The meek shall inherit the earth. Don't be anxious-you don't have to fix anything, or fit into the world and you can't and yet you have helped so many people. Just live a life you enjoy. Fight for that. Peace. I enjoy hearing you talk because it's just always very relatable. It helps me still to do the 4 quadrant map. We don't have time. This system is ending. Daniel 2.44 it's epic times. Don't let people get to you. Enjoy washing dishes and be active or go to school. You're not as lost as you think.
I am finding it helpful to lean into reflection, like a lot of people I respect are doing. Ezra Klein, Pod Save America and some of The Daily episodes are illuminating. It feels different than 2016, in some ways more concrete and real, because we can no longer claim Trump to be a fluke. But in other ways I am actually somehow, confusingly, more hopeful.
"confusingly more hopeful" <3
Yes. More hopeful. But, not like "RA RA" hope. Gentle, love my people and my community a little harder.
Exactly. No ra ra. Gentle, abiding hope. I love you.
I love the way you can put words to the experience that many people on the margins will have been feeling for some time. I have been feeling something very similar - some kind of responsibility for collective education which feels as if is no longer needed because everything is much more obvious . I feel very unsure about who I am without the activism roles (and the righteous anger ) and find myself frightened to actually see what that has been hiding including what I could live for me - remnants of old trauma and conditioning - however with the possibility that we could be witnessing the end, what better motivation to do and be whatever we have longed for and in the process of that maybe to create a new world based on authentic expression rather than the desire for power. It's good to hear from you again Holly.
Good gosh I love all this. Thanks Yinchi, as always.
Hi Holly - I sent you an email last week but I don't think it went through. You and I used to follow one another on IG back in the day, when we were both doing the 'influencer' thing. It sounds like you had your crescendo and hit an intolerance wall before I did - though in 2018 I was post-concussion and had begun heavily reconsidering my role as a public figure. That feeling would only increase in my nervous system as my following count grew, but I felt bound to it. This October I said goodbye to my small business - which provided me the platform in the first place - of a decade. My tarot and oracle decks got picked up by a publisher and I took that as my 'out' to finally get the fuck off socials for good. I can't imagine showing up to that space now, and agreed - even showing up here is hard.
I think you mentioned perimenopause in one of your previous pieces or notes - I SWEAR that this was the catalyst for me discovering that I'm neurodivergent and hitting a very thick wall with the desire to people please or be public facing. I have written many pieces here on Sub on this subject and I could talk endlessly about it - but I just wanted to say here + now that everything you said could not be more resonant, felt and is exactly my lived experience.
I'm glad to hear that you've rediscovered your centre in the flurry of the current climate we're living in. I'm still feeling hesitant - mostly in terms of how I want to show up long-term publicly. I want to make sure that what I'm sharing - and how frequently I'm doing so - is sustainable and feels ok. I want to feel like I'm one of many people in a community leading a charge - not having so much attention squarely on me.
Thanks for such a heartfelt share. <3
I want to write you a dossier on all of this but yes, of course I remember following each other, I have your decks somewhere still and it's so, so good to hear from you here and go through your work and see what you're doing. I also have late-diagnosis ADHD, I am not autistic but fall into the clinical burnout category and also am in peri-menopause and recovery so yes, quite a specific intersection we share <3 I have been going deep into adrienne maree brown's work and reading Emergent Strategy and this exact thing--how do I make it less about me, how do we break out of how we've been socialized in this environment and actually create something that isn't about being exceptional or special, but a voice among voices. I would actually just love to catch up in general but this really felt like my ow thoughts reflected back to me in some way. Big hug and hopefully more to come. xx
I didn’t know you had my decks! That’s so special to hear! And yes, so many intersections. Love adrienne marie brown. I would be so happy to catch up sometime. I’m sure we could chat for a long time about all of this and more 💕
ATTA BABE HOLLY! I love this so much - and such a different format than your essays! So nice to see your lovely face and hear your voice as you tell your story. Refreshing!
How you describe the election results as an extension of what you've been feeling - that is so on point! It's like "Yup, the outside matches the inside now!"
Also allowing yourself to have that grieving/mourning time is SO important! That's what so many people are missing right now, I think - that time to really grieve and give respect and time to what could have been, and mourn that. By doing that it allows us to face our fears, anger, sadness - and then move on to living our lives and doing what we can do to move forward as individuals and communities. If we jump straight to anger, outrage, sadness, fear, etc. without grieving, it doesn't set a strong foundation for moving ahead.
"We are not going to do that anymore." - I LOVE this! So clear and simple. I am SO fucking happy for you. I know you've been in it for the last four years, and I'm so glad you're emerging from that darkness.
You asked how we were, what we were doing - I'm focusing on cultivating my friendships and building community. After separating from my husband in July (we've been together 22 years, more than half my life!) this is hugely important to me. Making time to develop friendships with those younger, older, just plain different from me has been an absolute gift.
Joining different workshops and groups (recently about the cycles of the moon, and how moon transitions and astrology affect our lives and the greater marco-ness of everything) has given back 100-fold to me, especially in times of deep physical weakness. These new friends have uplifted and supported me so much, and I didn't even know them a year ago! Mind-blowing!
Keep on being your bad-ass self sister, I love you!
My friendships with folks that are younger and older are so deeply important to me and become more and more so; I love that for you thanks for bringing that in. What a beautiful testament this is to starting over and how wildly unexpected life ends up being. Thank you for all the thoughts on my work too. Big hug cindy. We got this.
Thank you so much, Holly. Been with you since I took your Hip Sobriety class in Jan 2017 (realized I needed to be sober after he won in 2016) and quit in March of 2017. Best thing I ever did. I am so grateful for your existence as it has helped me so much and we've never even met in person.
But now I just watched you with tears in my eyes as I listened to you bridge together what I have been feeling for the past four years (also went through a few traumatic experiences in 2020 that shook me to my core) but now feeling such a CLARITY after the election. You continue to be such a beacon of light ... not because of what you do, but by opening your heart through transparency and honesty. I feel the same way ... will not let Fear be my God but will let JOY be my Act of Rebellion.
Please keep posting these in person. Connection is how we are going to shift this world.
<3 Catherine. That last line <3 I agree. I think I'll be doing local things (I live rurally) but thanks for that vote.
Hi, my love. It felt so good to sit and just listen to you. You are easily one of my favorite writers, and I would love for you to do more videos just so I can see you more often. 😍 I feel you so much with what you shared, and I love you endlessly.
I channeled you buddy. I was like: if Scott can do it... Love you so very much.
I am having a really tough time reconciling how I can live in a country that has voted to take away my rights. That white women are reason why. It has made me really realize how much this country hates women and how that call is coming inside the house. It made me realize that hard work really doesn't pay off unless you are a white guy., because everyone who isn't a white guy has to unravel a bunch of obstacles and be 3x better than a mediocre white guy in order to get a seat at that table. And I hate it.
Hi beautiful Mary. Thanks for this. I've had similar feelings.
Videos+ADHD, hard to watch. 🤪 Bookmarking for when I have more stamina in the AM.
The current shit storm and ensuing panic reminds me very much of the unpredictable, chaotic home—ruled by a narcissist—that I grew up in. In my micro corner of the world I know, deeply, that all will be well even if it increasingly becomes more hideous. Parts of nature require wild fire to regenerate itself and that’s what I keep returning to. We don’t individually control the timeline but the collective does. Rereads that are soothing/encouraging me:
The Overstory by Richard Powers
Fluke by Brian Klass (we control nothing but influence everything)
Doses of Wilber who you introduced me to!!
Taking good care of my people, contributing to my community in my small ways and remembering that no loving action is ever wasted.
Keep the book recs and things you’re looking coming!! You are a wealth of resources that, when shared, help unstuck your readers. 💓
hi bb! You can listen to on podcast player (you should be?) and if not I'll throw an audio file in bc yes, same, videos+adhd=torture. I love you and I love this so, so much. Thank you for this share.
and kind of all the same. The thing about your narcissist father...I've been diving back into spiral dynamics. I DO have shares! Friday. xx
Ha! I had to do the transcript too because my focus is gone by this point in the day. I've basically been handling my post-election anxiety/rage/fear/whatever this is by being outside as much as humanly possible and reading books. Just started Fluke - glad you liked it!
I spent 2016-2020 being part of the “resistance” while working my full time job. Then survived the pandemic while working full time.
Then spent every day from 1/2/24 - 11/5/24 stressing about the election and doing all I could to get out the vote (while continuing to work full time). Believe me when I say that I am FUCKING DONE with political activism right now.
This is no longer my fight.
It’s equal parts infuriating and heartbreaking to know the majority of voters in this country voted for hitler reincarnated. I’m also frustrated at those who for whatever reason could not be bothered to vote.
I am maintaining my abstinence but I’m clearly not abstinent emotionally. I really feel like what keeping my going most right now is love and care for those in my inner circle, spite, and schadenfreude.
I fought like hell to avoid where we are headed and I failed. Now I am looking forward to those who affirmatively chose this hellscape reap what they have sown.
Sorry for the intensity of my reply and I will delete this comment if you would like. But this is my honest answer to the question “how are you doing?”
No I love your intensity! All things welcome here, no feelings wrong. First: thank you for what you did. Second: just witnessing with you and holding this with you. Thank you for telling me how you're doing because I needed to hear.
Thank you so much 😊
I often feel like I’m too much or too intense.
I will say the only small upside to the election outcome is that it drove home for me just how very tired I am.
I left direct care in September 2016 after 10 years of working with high needs children. I’ve continued working in a different capacity in social services for the last 8 years (trump round 1, the pandemic etc).
I tend to be a person who works hard as a distraction from feeling (which is better than not being abstinent from my substance of choice, but still not great for me)
I feel very clear that I am not going through trump round 2 the same way I did round 1). I need to focus on my own rest and healing.
I would choose to have my candidate win the election in a heartbeat (and continued to work hard/play hard/fight hard), but I know that I did all that I could and now I need to focus on stepping away from politics.
Also it to clarify I didn’t suddenly become politically active in 2016, but it did change me from just being voter to also doing other things like canvassing etc.
Thank you if you took the time to read all of that.
And truly thank you for holding this space.
I wish I felt calmness and clarity but unfortunately I’m not there right now.
Stephanie- thank you for your time previously! I wish you much rest and healing and here’s to hoping new folks pick up where you left off <3
“I can’t capitalist anymore”
“My own apocalypse”
Love you always. This fireside chat felt v cozy and validating. Ever since my book came out last year my personal life has been… *a lot.* Plus struggling with the visibility and so many strangers knowing who I am so hearing your experience really helped. 🫶🏽
Gosh I love you so much. I can't Capitalist! We can't Capitalist anymore! I understand that post-book thing so so well. So much for tenderness for that experience bb.
Listening to you reminded me of something remarkable I noticed in my work during the lockdowns in the pandemic.
Many of my clients who had struggled for years with crippling anxiety felt suddenly emboldened, not just because they didn’t have to go anywhere, but because they saw everyone around them feeling anxious like they did and that stopped them feeling so alone.
When the world around feels as if it’s been reduced to a common denominator we can find strength we didn’t know we had.
I signed up for a paid membership so I could comment and let you know just how deeply I felt everything you said here. In 2021 I left a job in education that had not been good for me for a while (the pandemic accelerated everything) and the whole experience changed how I saw life. I lost my whole community and identity over night. Since then, things have continued to fall apart for me- my health, my relationship, my living situation. I've been existing in luminality for years and, like you, haven't been able to bring it all back together. A deep fatigue follows me and like you I watched all these other people just manage and I felt like a massive failure. I'm in Australia so the election result doesn't mean the same thing to me, but being a close ally means it will likely impact what happens in our election next year. I arrived at the same place as you after years going around in circles. Focusing on little me isn't going to help. We have to find a way to help each other build something more sustainable for those of us who have been living on the edges. I'm not sure if you've come across Sarah Wilson's serialisation project on here about climate collapse. A very heavy topic but I feel it would resonate with you. She cuts through the bullshit well!
YES. The watching all the people manage and feeling like a massive failure. Focusing on little me won't help. I do love Sarah Wilson but I haven't heard of this, thanks so much for the heads up on it. And thanks for this share. Deeply felt.
Thank you.
People tell me they’re going to leave the country. I wonder to myself and go where? Where’s that perfect place where you can just live in Placid security ?
Nope, I’m gonna stay here and be who I am and live my truths. Now is the time.
This is how I feel <3 Now is the time. Here is the place. Big love.
@Peggy I'm with you and Holly agree - Now is the time. Here is the place. Big Love.
Politics come and go. Figure out what you can do as far as a job using your excellent skills at writing. It is ok to not be "part of the world". You need a spiritual center. Jesus said my "Kingdom is no part of this world." So if you are feeling this bad about it-it's because you have a good heart. Matt 28:20 this system of material things is going away. So find a geeky policy job where you can research and write and enjoy balance until this passes. Maybe you should consider staying in a science headspace. The meek shall inherit the earth. Don't be anxious-you don't have to fix anything, or fit into the world and you can't and yet you have helped so many people. Just live a life you enjoy. Fight for that. Peace. I enjoy hearing you talk because it's just always very relatable. It helps me still to do the 4 quadrant map. We don't have time. This system is ending. Daniel 2.44 it's epic times. Don't let people get to you. Enjoy washing dishes and be active or go to school. You're not as lost as you think.
love you Laureen. Those 4 quadrant maps are saving me too.
Thank you. We're in this groundless shit storm together.
YES WE ARE
“Groundless shit storm” 🖤🖤 like that!!
Loving you through every phase and transition.
instead of the initial outrage I am now feeling deeply saddened by the election which actually is more comfortable. I hope it’s not resignation.
xoxo
knowing you I very much doubt it's resignation.