Hey friends! I’m looking for some help thinking through self-help themes that have been personally harmful; or some that started as helpful and ended up working against you. A few for me are the following:
“Motivation comes from the doing.” This was an Oprah quote that I used to have taped somewhere that only ever served to make me feel bad when I wasn’t doing.
Everything needs to be fixed (Pema said something like “trying to fix yourself is a form of self-aggression” which slapped when I read it)
Healing comes from asceticism (this idea that if we just keep removing things or become all the frees we’ll get to some kind of spiritual purity)
That we’re supposed to get it all together or that having it together is a sign of healing; not having it together is a sign of something gone wrong or being “off path”
SO MANY MORE. Toxic positivity and good vibes only; confusing unhealed trauma with an inability to manifest correctly; etc.
This is the first thread I’ve ever done here. I’m not sure how the hell this will go but I’m really curious to see. If there’s a thread you’re interested in seeing to answer a question you have, you can email those suggestions to dearrecovering@gmail.com.
Yes! The wherever you go, there you are shit has left me not making changes because I think that moving, etc will just lead me back to the sane reality. So I subject myself to the same vibrations, toxic environments white-knuckling my existence bc I have not made incredible shifts and risen out of the fire and transformed myself 200% .
Yes! The reason I don't have a partner is I don't love myself enough. This obsession with self-love gets a bit lazy, and puts the blame on you for never having worked hard enough. It might be helpful to some, but at this point I know I'm pretty damn lovable! Not to mention people with partners aren't always beacons of self-love, and they have just as much shame, hangups, insecurities etc.
"do one thing every day that scares you" and "find the beauty in the mundane", particularly when I'm wiping butts or scooping cat litter, just make me feel angry
Living in the moment because that may be all we have. It can feel fatalistic and that if we don't have everything we want right in this moment, thats it! Too bad! I also found it stunted my planning ahead for things. I actually really enjoy having something to look forward too.
I hate this one too. I love anticipating things. It's one of my favorite things about traveling. The months of anticipation about going somewhere I love.
Probably indicates what I'm going through right now, but the stance of "If he wanted to, he would" This simplistic approach makes it look that if my relationship isn't going the way I envisioned it going, it's because my partner is just simply NOT THAT INTO ME, and not that life can be challenging and nuanced and being a grown up is stupid.
I feel this! I’m sober. My husband is not. And learning that his drinking has nothing to do with me and is not because of me has been a game changer! We are all just doing our best.
—anything with the phrase “stinking thinking”, anything that assumes language/intellect is necessarily avoidance and physical processing is necessarily holy
I think I must have a special gift for managing to turn potentially very helpful things against myself; like the time I tried to eat a square of chocolate mindfully, and ended up teleporting myself into the middle of a binge-eating session in high school (oh, yeah, the vending machines DID have that exact brand, didn't they). Or when I took the idea of 'responding' rather than 'reacting' and made it into 'think about what you'd like to say then say what the other person wants to hear even if it kills you a little'. Or literally any anti-procrastination tool. It's a talent I have, it appears.
Forgiveness and [giving up the] victim mentality are concepts that can be very harmful in my experience. I didn’t ask to be abused and neglected by a narcissist mother. I didn’t ask to become the co-dependent in her alcohol use order. I‘m better off without her in my life focusing on my healing and recovery and relationship with my daughters. It’s not necessary to forgive and it’s important to acknowledge that you were victimized if you want to be a cycle breaker in your dysfunctional family.
I have replaced forgiveness with “forbearance”. I will bear the wound you have inflicted on me and you need not fear reprisal (I also will not think upon you again…lol).
This is not really a theme or mantra but I've found that being on social media, even if it's sobriety based where others are posting their day count of being AF just throws me into a dither, esp. when mine is so puny. Yes this is me comparing myself to others but I just hate those "counters".
“If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you going to love someone else”
Anything like this where someone is made to feel that they have to perfectly accept themselves or love themselves to be deserving of love just makes me mad.
The idea that "you can't think yourself out of this", when it comes to addiction (and any other "issues")... no, actually, my intellectual understanding of what happened to me (including generational trauma, brain science, etc. etc.) was immensely helpful... it killed the shame and allowed me to get on to the business of healing deeply. With everything I deal with, I recognize my rational knowledge and understanding of whatever it is, is incredibly useful. Don't tell me not to "intellectualize", it's part of my toolset, and a powerful one.
YES. Thank you so much for sharing this - I also inherited generational trauma. My parents didn't talk about the extent of it (only hinted at it last year), and for decades I couldn't understand why my reactions to certain things were so overwrought. I finally connected the dots and felt a huge burden had been lifted.
I agree. I think I had to fully understand addiction, how it progresses in almost all alcoholics, and that it wasn't a reflection on my worthiness or value as a person. It just is what it is, and when I grasped that, understood that, then I was able to accept that I was just an alcoholic, like many other people before and after me. Like all the nice people I see in meetings, Yes, I do have some past/present issues that made drinking attractive, but they never went away when I drank. It was the alcoholism that made me drink -- just that.
I hate memes and social media posts about working out even when you truly don’t want to. I’m sick of violence against bodies, paranoia of rest. I have lasting damage from punishing my body with grueling workouts and I’m the least punished (by society) for having a body b/c I am a cis-het white woman. If even I have been indoctrinated against my own body—forced to attempt to contort myself into some sort of arbitrary standard—what is the suffering of merely having a body among folx who are oppressed/subjugated/marginalized?
It's all a lot of denial of our imperfections. Why do need Jesus, faith in something bigger if we can work for perfection pr get it in a bottle. Or plastic surgery. I know There's something bigger ahead. Life is a marathon. Everyone has different circumstances. A lot of these comments are based on we can somehow create the "solution". So much ego and competition and attracting the opposite sex. Shallow stuff. Lots of great comments! Really y'all are ahead of the curve.
Such a normalized and ingrained thing for women in our society to hate our bodies- BS!!! You are right to reject that- flip the bird to that culture and love and appreciate our bodies- they’re the only ones we get!!
"Writers must write everyday." This is such nonsense and simply isn't practicable for most humans- especially women humans. Writers must think and observe and participate in being human in the world every day. As for writing? Maybe 2-3 times a week at best.
Thank you. On writing time * My excuse for not writing was that I would get lost in it and neglect, school, work/career, husband, children. Awakening I see I wouldn’t get lost in writing. I would find myself.
I have a neurodivergant brain and self help has told me to “just let go” and “don’t be so tied to your watch/schedule/calendar” or “you should be intrinsically motivated.” I wish all self help came with a disclaimer that if your brain is not “typical” their advice could be horribly destructive.
“All relationships take work” was not helpful in the least to someone like me. I understood that to mean try harder in the face of emotional abuse. I understood it to mean ‘change yourself,’ to accommodate chaos. I understood that to mean ‘suppress your needs.’
"Relationships are about compromise" kept me in an emotional abusive relationship. I thought I had to compromise on all the big things or I was being unrealistic.
Jul 14, 2022·edited Jul 14, 2022Liked by Holly Whitaker
This might just be me, but I found the early conversation about "self-care' that just promoted staying in, on the couch and shutting off the world actually quite harmful at a time when what I needed was actually the opposite: getting (slowly) back out into the world and being nourished through friendships and experiences. There are many definitions of self-care depending on the person and/or time in their life.
“Someone always has it worse” - yes, but this doesn’t invalidate or make better what I’m going through. Someone also always has it better. Does that mean I should never be joyful or at peace?
And -
“You have to love yourself/be fully healed before anyone else can love you.” I 100% believe a part of healing can be learning from someone else that you’re allowed to be imperfect in a container WITH them.
“One day at a time” always felt desperate and depressing to me. I am looking further ahead than that. I am strong and am confident that I will not drink any of the days ahead of me. I don’t need one day at a time. It’s too small for me and annoys me.
SO MANY!!! I've read hundreds of self help books and realized that by trying to follow every advice on how to "fix" myself I was starting to pathologize my own personality. Some are: you can't love someone until you learn how to love yourself, thinking negative thoughts "lowers your vibration", if I'm feeling down I can "hack" my body into feeling better (cold showers, etc), "just push through". Think of what you want to do and then do the opposite. Then there are all of the personality hacks to make myself fit into the extrovert ideal (aka How to win friends and influence people) when I'm actually a hardcore introvert. And of course all of the AA talk about not being able to trust myself and being powerless...I'm still working on dismantling these beliefs 6 years later.
I feel you re the introvert thing. I have come to embrace it- I’m a teacher and have decided not to leave my apt except for groceries and exercise this July. If I feel up to something, sure. But zero pressure! I also embrace my introvert students cause damn, education practice these days is so extrovert ideal. Blech. Sometimes we don’t need to cooperate to learn. Sometimes we just need some damn quiet time! :D
I've recently had a similar shift where I don't force myself to be social. I'm only seeing people 1 or 2 at a time instead of groups, and I've been spending so much more time alone. I work in client relations and my job is heavily extroverted, so this shift has been such a nice change. I feel like SO much room has been freed up in my brain, I can actually hear my own thoughts!
Jul 14, 2022·edited Jul 14, 2022Liked by Holly Whitaker
That partnered or romantic love (esp. with children) is the ultimate way to relate/be in the world. To combat this, I've found refuge in Rebecca Solnit's writing in The Mother of All Questions:
"One of the reasons people lock onto motherhood as a key to feminine identity is the belief that children are the way to fulfill your capacity to love. But there are so many things to love besides one's own offspring, so many things that need love, so much other work love has to do in the world."
And Solnit quoting Christina Lupton:
"Some of the things [I] relinquished when motherhood’s consuming tasks had [me] in their grasp, including... all the ways of tending to the world that are less easily validated than parenting, but which are just as fundamentally necessary for children to flourish. I mean here the writing and inventing and the politics and the activism; the reading and the public speaking and the protesting and the teaching and the filmmaking. . . . Most of the things I value most, and from which I trust any improvements in the human condition will come, are violently incompatible with the actual and imaginative work of childcare."
I agree with these sentiments but still feel guilty for not being on a traditional path toward a normative domestic life. And somehow, being queer and working against internalized homophobia compounds this...
I FEEL YOU ON THIS! Single, 40s, childless. I’ve become so much more at peace w this (esp. after I’ve cut back on booze) in the last few years. I’m a teacher, and I can’t imagine teaching and then coming home to parent. So instead my students get my maternal care. And my dogs. Love to you!
yes to this. I am single by choice, divorced, late 40's. It' s taken a long time to fully embrace the joy of not accepting, embracing, complying with what society WANTS me to want.
This! Single, in my 30s and queer. We don't need to relate to the world by being someone's something. It's liberating when you are just ok being on your own and don't feel the pressure that your somehow not living your best life or your not living up to your full potential. Like potential for who? Why does my full potential have to be partnership?
Anything associated with “hustle” culture… “good things come to those who hustle.” Many people don’t have that level of energy and frantic activity is generally not the best way to get things done.
Ugh! I hate this one - and it has been so damaging to my now-grown kids. 'Someone out there is working harder than you are! They will get your spot!!' Fine - let them have it. I'm not going to compete for every damn thing in my life. Exhausting. It's like every day is Black Friday and I don't even WANT a flat-screen tv for $50...............
Strongly seconding this. "Move fast and break things", "Fail fast", "24/7", "Scale at all costs", "Disruption" as something inherently desirable and the valorization of burnout are all highly toxic to me as an entrepreneur. How about we fix things? 'Move gracefully and nurture a better future'? Create something that benefits the planet and humanity?
Yesssss. It's gotten so bad. And passive income has done a lot of damage. Airbnb culture for instance. My last stay they made a point to tell me they didn't mark me down for leaving a glass and a coffee cup in the sink. Wtf. Nitpicking petty fake 4-star resort level critique when you're supposed to be hospitable. That shit is a hustle.
This has made me miserable for years. It made me feel like a failure because 1 what the f is my passion and 2 I’m obviously doing something terribly wrong if I am dissatisfied at work. So I hopped around jobs and have gone back to school, or started, at least 5 times. Spending $1,000s unnecessarily. When really a job is just something I do that allows me to live a life I enjoy. It does not have to be more than that.
same. same. same. All of it. I've been a...licensed real estate agent, personal trainer and esthetician. I also had a food blog and almost went back to school to be a P.E. teacher. I mean...wtf. lol. I replied to another post on this topic as well. When I dropped this idea and was like -- I just need a J-O-B that doesn't suck -- it was so liberating.
Meghan, I so feel this. I've just come to this realization myself and the realization alone has been a huge weight of my back. I know this is so personal, but I'm looking for inspiration (there are so many j-o-b-s I don't know about)- would you mind sharing what you do for work now that allows you to live your life?
The short answer to your question is - I have a sales and marketing role for a technology company. But, the long answer is - it isn't so much the actual job I'm doing that freed me up mentally, it was letting go of the hustle around finding something "that was my purpose" or "fulfilling" or " was impacting the world." That hustle was hurting me and it was feeding the idea that I had to do something extraordinary to be someone extraordinary, to be enough. When I let all that shit go, I looked for a job that...had a kind culture, leadership I respected, and a role I felt I could be good at that would allow me to use skills I enjoyed using and honing. I didn't need it to be extra interesting or impressive or have a cool title. I needed this job to leave room for the things that were most important to me - taking care of and being with my family.
Jessica, I so feel this. I've felt like a failure for not knowing what THE THING is for so long, and I've just realized i just want a 'lowercase j' job, not a CAREER or a PASSION , etc. I know this is so personal, but I'm looking for inspiration- would you mind sharing what you found that has freed up that precious mental/emotional space?
“If you miss one day of meditation you’ve set yourself back two weeks.” I heard this at a kundalini training in April and all the air went out of my tires. I need to be able to miss a day. I need to get away from all-or-nothing.
I had a fitness coach a few years ago that was SO dogmatic about meditation. He said to treat it like exercise - it should be hard! Meditating is like doing reps at the gym! Guided meditations are useless! It took me a while to shake that off and I still don’t have a solid meditation practice because my perfectionism always kicks in.
Something that I have been struggling with this week is both my psychologist and psychiatrist telling me I am so well adjusted and use all my tools well. I feel out of control so how can this be true, and if I’m going to them for help then I obviously don’t have all the tools down. Not sure if it fits for anyone else, but being someone with bipolar and having people tell me they had no idea or that I don’t act like I have bipolar kills me. Between the drs and outside folks I’m dead this week.
Sending you love. As a fellow pro at "looking like you have it all together" when inside you feel one ladybug spot away from an entire meltdown, I also don't know what to do with the "you're so on top of it" type comments because they just don't feel true.
it’s almost like therapy is just another tool to plug us back into capitalism, and it’s almost as if they make money by doing so… i’m having a similar experience and i think a decade of therapy has just shown me that no one knows what they’re talking about and giving us tools/new diagnosis will never end…
It truly can be awful I think. And also good, but finding the right person can be so so hard. I’ve found a therapist who actually helps but it’s taken a lot of duds for sure.
I feel you there Kristi. I keep expecting more, wanting more from life, but it’s like all they’re selling is “good enough.” I need a new source for growth…
I think that a lot of psychotherapy and psychiatry is not trauma informed. A lot of our high achievement and *looking* as if we‘ve got it all together can be coping mechanisms and trauma responses. And there can be a lot of pain, mental illness and sometimes addiction underneath.
Ah yes I think this is spot on. My current therapist has a really diverse background including trauma things and I think it’s a major piece of why she’s felt so helpful for me.
Yes, I totally agree. I have worked with therapists in the past who definitely were not working with a trauma I formed position. Luckily both of my doctors are right now. It is so hard to find good psychs nowadays, so when I find a good one I hold on. Also, a couple days out and a shift in my meds, I am feeling more stable and see what they are saying. But I do think when we are in certain mindset that certain tacts do not work well.
Not sure how to say this eloquently, but just the general idea of productivity. Like it's this end-all be-all success metric, when in reality you're likely just doing more for someone else and not getting that much more out of it yourself. It also makes everything you're currently doing NOT GOOD ENOUGH because it could be MORE PRODUCTIVE. Reading "Irresistible" right now by Adam Alter and it is lots of talk about behavioral addiction etc. The altar of productivity was a light addiction for me previously. Read so many books on increasing productivity (v. boring. Glad to read better fiction these days instead) and in hindsight looks like capitalist brainwashing really. My current motto is trying to be "rebelliously content" bc it's hard for someone to sell me on some new thing/idea/activity I need to be better when I'm deciding to be content instead. (not to be confused with being indifferent or accepting garbage or not striving for things - just mostly resisting the idea that I need to buy/do/look like something else to be happy)
yeah, what ever happening to day dreaming? the bliss of laziness? i have recently given myself permission to slow down - and ask for help when i cannot do it - kind of like the humility of downgrading. thanks for this!
Yeah true - I'm Elisabeth ... with an s - hahaha. You? I was thinking about your post and it brought to mind the whole idea of "La Decrescità Felice" by Serge Latouche - or rather Farewell to Growth - screw the GNP - why do we always have to be doing/selling/making/building/consuming more more more?!
Same! Elisabeth Anne. I’m not familiar with that idea - I’ll have to look in to it! I quit the marketing world after my daughter was born. I never liked it and once she was born I realized I just couldn’t “sell” things anymore - I could never justify it to her. It was exhausting and relentless.
You made an excellent choice Lis, Elisabeth Anne. Your daughter will be proof of your good intuition. Latouche is French, but because i'm in Italy I gave you the Italian title translation of his work. Somehow I associate it, although I've never actually read it, with the whole Slow Food movement here which was founded by Carlo Petrini - great stuff! https://www.slowfood.com/about-us/our-history/#:~:text=Slow%20Food%20was%20started%20by,a%20slow%20pace%20of%20life. Buona serata from milano xxx
Fake it until you make it, specifically with a smile. Now, I understand the science behind it. If you force a smile long enough you're supposed to feel happier. But sometimes you really just need to feel what you need to feel and the whole "fake it until you make it" has lead to some serious suppression of feelings.
This might already be on here, but if so, deserves a second mention - Everything happens for a reason. Ugh. Gross. Actually, I'm beginning to push back against any and all mantras as well as purposeful self help because it all started to feel like work and made me feel less than and the pull to constantly "grow with intention" rather than "BE with intention" was snuffing the life out of me. But, it's REALLY hard not to get sucked back in.
I was going to post 'everything happens for a reason' to see how folks felt about it. I have always felt like a bit of a stick in the mud for the internal discomfort that I feel whenever I hear it when so many seem to take comfort in it. It's like it's kind of nice when things are good, however so erasing when bad things happen. My litmus test is whether you would say it to someone whose child has just been diagnosed with cancer. Nope.
I think we all search for the magic bullet that makes everything make sense and I think this is cleverly designed as that, but is actually quite harmful due to the erasure of bad things just like you said. It shuts out the "undesirable" feelings that are just as healthy and normal and valid as the "desirable" ones. A lot of people said this to me around infertility. But, it didn't feel compassionate, it felt dismissive. It's an effort to wrap things up in a neat little bow without diving into the messy complexity that surrounds these things that happen in our lives (often for no "reason" whatsoever). Anyhoo...sorry for the soap box. LOL.
Definitely the manifesting thing. And the inverse; if bad things have happened to you, you've manifested THAT, too. But/and, I actually do believe in manifesting, and have seen it in my life, but it's not the black and white, almost shame-based "thing" that wellness "influencers" preach. If any of this makes sense......
Yep! Came here to say something similar. Wellness influencer culture is rife with blaming the individual- amongst many other problematic things. It’s very, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and if you can’t (lose weight, manifest more money, align your chakras or whateverthefuck) then it’s because of YOU. It’s toxic…and lucrative 🫠
This!!! no one manifests their own trauma. I also hate the past life regression folks who think we choose everything in this life, so our pain is our own choosing! Like wtf no.
"Everything happens for a reason" or the "it's all part of God's plan" bullshit. (I used to live in the south and evangelicals love the latter). I don't believe the universe is completely indifferent but it's pretty fucking indifferent about a lot of horrible things.
This one. My dad died from a terrible cancer. It's taken much restraint to not punch the folks that say these things. His suffering did not have a purpose and "God" didn't foist it upon him. It was bad luck. A bad thing happening to a good person. Which happens all of the time.
Proving we're incapable of fixing this however ... that's just faith. Without it there is just a lot of nihilism I'm afraid. I'm not evangelical but I do believe our good conduct and virtue and being kind are acknowledged by God. And Jesus. Jesus will step in. Ecclesiastes 9:11 actually says there is randomness ( time and unforeseen occurrences befall us all) if you want to give an evangelical a smackdown using the bible. There ya go. Life was not meant for endless toiling.
The idea that every uncomfortable situation has a ~deeper lesson~ in it is exhausting. It creates this pattern in me where I'm constantly pathologizing every nuanced experience and I also find it distracting from actually just allowing myself to sit with discomfort and do the next right thing.
Yes! Sometimes something sucks and it's ok to just say "this sucks" and not feel the pressure to find the silver lining. We are very bad at sitting in "negative" feelings (hurt, grief, anger, disappointment, etc.) and like rushing to turn them in to something "useful"
No, it doesn't. Oh well honey, your toddler just got run over in front of your eyes in a hit-and-run, but it must all be part of the plan. Or, it's a way of dismissing things like war and climate change because people only do what is part of a plan so we just need to accept.
God doesn't give you what you can't handle.
Oh, really? The person who throws themself off the bridge? The soldiers with so much PTSD they can't leave the room?
The most destructive advice bar none I have ever received--and I got it from counselors, Alanon, random people calling me to tell me to do this:
You must make your addicted son homeless. Not only must you bar him from coming home, you must not help him find somewhere else to sleep. He must help himself now and your job is to take care of you. If you disagree, you are a codependent enabler.
I remain traumatized. (Side note: I did not heed this advice. I did not abandon my child. He has been clean since 2016. But I struggle with how my family and husband were willing to do this.)
Yeah - we need to stop thinking nurture is weak. Holly really helped me with this. Fundamental to take care of me and be balanced and I can't fix everything. The proverbial ceiling that we blow thru. Balance.
Jul 14, 2022·edited Jul 14, 2022Liked by Holly Whitaker
‘Find your one true calling and make it your life’s work.’ I’ve found this just generates self-doubt and fear of failure. I’m so glad Liz Gilbert called this out as a problematic concept in Big Magic - particularly for anyone who does lots of yoga and keeps getting served Baghavad Gita-inspired life advice.
So much this. The stress that dropped out of my life when I finally looked at my husband and said - I just need a job. I don't need a career trajectory job. I need a job I like, that I can be good at and has a healthy culture. It doesn't need to be my "calling" or my "passion" it just needs to not suck. I just need a J-O-B. I found the searching for my "calling" was really rooted in trying to be extraordinary, which was really rooted in not feeling like enough. It was an interesting realization.
This feels like a set up. Especially when many people can’t hold space for any more stuff and ghost out on tough convos or try to make lemonade and it’s often just not worth it.
Yes, and I’m allowed to want to keep some things private and choose who I share vulnerable things with without being shamed for not constantly being willing to be vulnerable.
"Get your house in order" always bothered me. It's aggressive and vague, and it's used as a "Step 1" in a lot of self-help work. Like, I'm here BECAUSE I can't get my "house" in order. You tell me how! 🤣
Ooh, I love this post. The "good vibes only" general toxic positivity that the internet is saturated with has confused me for a long time. I thought maybe it was just my pessimistic outlook causing me to roll my eyes and feel like I'm somehow failing because I certainly do not have good vibes only. It's immensely comforting to know it's not just me.
Pretty much anything that claims to be universal, without addressing the contexts in which we live and the world our healing exists in. I think the whole idea of a "Before and After" has been difficult for me -- and kept me in a loop of always seeking some other version, an "After" version of myself, while forgetting that the Me and the life that exists right now is the only one there really is.
“the Me and the life that exists right now is the only one there really is.” THIS is the crux of it all. I’m waiting for After Me every gd day and she literally can never be. There’s only Now Me. Thank you for this.
Everything having to do with The Secret. I always felt like I could never be positive enough and would shove any negative feelings down. I could never manifest millions of dollars or fancy homes. Ugh!!!
*So* much of the American Christian dialogue around grief is incredibly harmful to people who are actually grieving e.g. they're in a better place now, at least they're no longer suffering, they would want you to be happy, and so on. Our culture is so out of touch with the grieving process and we aren't taught how to be present for, witness, and empathize with grieving people; we're taught to default to toxic positivity with roots in Americanized Christianity. It's so, so harmful to grieving people, and leads to so many ongoing processing issues around grief.
So true - and then all the repressed pain goes inward and eats us from the guts outward. And then you wonder why so many of us become addicted to soothing substances. We're missing the humane connection. Kazzo, it's okay to grieve, no - it's not just okay - it's 100% natural and authentic! Brava Madison!
Being told that it's "mind over matter" and that I was "just not trying hard enough" to heal when my nervous system was actually valiantly attempting to protect me from things that were previously unsafe. I have had variations of this experience with different healing modalities that don't involve the body (e.g. CBT, the lightning process, etc.- which are all legitimate, just not for complex trauma!).
On the other side of this, trauma -informed/somatic therapies are helping me to heal and have assisted greatly in undoing the shame of not yet being a thriving human with "normal" reactions, allowing me to embrace these tender, very young parts of me with love.
Girl Boss. Rise and Grind. Hustle Harder. Goal Digger.
I can’t adequately describe how these “mantras” drove me to destruction. It was like pouring gasoline on my fire of self-hatred (disguised as ego), and ever perpetuating my deep feelings of inadequacy. The drinking had always been there… add this to the mix and I imploded. I’ve been sober for 3 yrs now and rest, relaxation and privacy are my trinity.
Anything related to 'manifestation' and LOA. Where is the acknowledgement of systemic inequity and social privilege? It's like, if we could all just think the 'right' thoughts, maybe things like racism, sexism etc would just poof themselves away and we could all be living the dream? Someone I know posted a vacation photo in social the other day and said that they had 'manifested' good weather. Seriously?
I lost a lot of peace in my life when “Live each day like it is your last day”, would appear. Talk about paranoia and performance anxieties. Besides, if it really wasn’t your last day, you’re gonna feel pretty shitty the next one. ( hung over, burnt out or hurt.)
I feel this!! These thoughts cause almost a frenetic energy in me and make me feel as if every choice I make needs to be perfect. I’ve try to counter it by reminding myself that life can be long and I have time. Still tough one for me though.
Yes! The wherever you go, there you are shit has left me not making changes because I think that moving, etc will just lead me back to the sane reality. So I subject myself to the same vibrations, toxic environments white-knuckling my existence bc I have not made incredible shifts and risen out of the fire and transformed myself 200% .
YES - any time someone says I *need* to do something, that's a red flag! And, if I never hear the word "pivot" again, it will be too soon :)
Yes! The reason I don't have a partner is I don't love myself enough. This obsession with self-love gets a bit lazy, and puts the blame on you for never having worked hard enough. It might be helpful to some, but at this point I know I'm pretty damn lovable! Not to mention people with partners aren't always beacons of self-love, and they have just as much shame, hangups, insecurities etc.
Yasssssssss to allllllll of this!!!!!!!!!
Yes. I’ll sleep now, thank you! : )
"do one thing every day that scares you" and "find the beauty in the mundane", particularly when I'm wiping butts or scooping cat litter, just make me feel angry
Although those are very loving. Self sacrifice too. We don't need to overcome everything. Take stupid risks. Good points.
- Too blessed to be stressed (making me guilty for not being happy enough with all that I have if I’m bummed about one area of life)
- Life is for the living (the idea that we need to optimize every second or time / our life will be wasted)
- We know better now but in the 90s, it was “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”.
I get v v stressed by the idea I’m not living into my life enough. Lifing my life. That last one I forgot about. Oof
Who ever said "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" has never eaten desperation Taco Bell at 1 AM.
Life is for the living- and we need to sleep like 40% of it ! 😛 That phrase doesn’t really even make sense!
Living in the moment because that may be all we have. It can feel fatalistic and that if we don't have everything we want right in this moment, thats it! Too bad! I also found it stunted my planning ahead for things. I actually really enjoy having something to look forward too.
Yes sometimes the moment really sucks!!
What Julie said!
I hate this one too. I love anticipating things. It's one of my favorite things about traveling. The months of anticipation about going somewhere I love.
Probably indicates what I'm going through right now, but the stance of "If he wanted to, he would" This simplistic approach makes it look that if my relationship isn't going the way I envisioned it going, it's because my partner is just simply NOT THAT INTO ME, and not that life can be challenging and nuanced and being a grown up is stupid.
Oh damn. THAT IS SO GOOD.
I feel this! I’m sober. My husband is not. And learning that his drinking has nothing to do with me and is not because of me has been a game changer! We are all just doing our best.
Thank you for articulating why that phrase was bugging me so much.
Another version of this is "she must be getting something out of it, otherwise she wouldn't." Ugh, no.
"being a grown up is stupid" - best thing I've read ALL week!
—If you don’t have it you must not want it enough
—anything with the phrase “stinking thinking”, anything that assumes language/intellect is necessarily avoidance and physical processing is necessarily holy
I think I must have a special gift for managing to turn potentially very helpful things against myself; like the time I tried to eat a square of chocolate mindfully, and ended up teleporting myself into the middle of a binge-eating session in high school (oh, yeah, the vending machines DID have that exact brand, didn't they). Or when I took the idea of 'responding' rather than 'reacting' and made it into 'think about what you'd like to say then say what the other person wants to hear even if it kills you a little'. Or literally any anti-procrastination tool. It's a talent I have, it appears.
I share in this talent, and it’s definitely a talent.
Forgiveness and [giving up the] victim mentality are concepts that can be very harmful in my experience. I didn’t ask to be abused and neglected by a narcissist mother. I didn’t ask to become the co-dependent in her alcohol use order. I‘m better off without her in my life focusing on my healing and recovery and relationship with my daughters. It’s not necessary to forgive and it’s important to acknowledge that you were victimized if you want to be a cycle breaker in your dysfunctional family.
100. it’s close to saying “where you are isn’t right” or your process is wrong. I love this.
I have replaced forgiveness with “forbearance”. I will bear the wound you have inflicted on me and you need not fear reprisal (I also will not think upon you again…lol).
100% this
This is not really a theme or mantra but I've found that being on social media, even if it's sobriety based where others are posting their day count of being AF just throws me into a dither, esp. when mine is so puny. Yes this is me comparing myself to others but I just hate those "counters".
Same! I scroll right on by posts and counters like that.
“If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you going to love someone else”
Anything like this where someone is made to feel that they have to perfectly accept themselves or love themselves to be deserving of love just makes me mad.
This!
Oh my God, yes this.
The idea that "you can't think yourself out of this", when it comes to addiction (and any other "issues")... no, actually, my intellectual understanding of what happened to me (including generational trauma, brain science, etc. etc.) was immensely helpful... it killed the shame and allowed me to get on to the business of healing deeply. With everything I deal with, I recognize my rational knowledge and understanding of whatever it is, is incredibly useful. Don't tell me not to "intellectualize", it's part of my toolset, and a powerful one.
Love it.
YES. Thank you so much for sharing this - I also inherited generational trauma. My parents didn't talk about the extent of it (only hinted at it last year), and for decades I couldn't understand why my reactions to certain things were so overwrought. I finally connected the dots and felt a huge burden had been lifted.
I agree. I think I had to fully understand addiction, how it progresses in almost all alcoholics, and that it wasn't a reflection on my worthiness or value as a person. It just is what it is, and when I grasped that, understood that, then I was able to accept that I was just an alcoholic, like many other people before and after me. Like all the nice people I see in meetings, Yes, I do have some past/present issues that made drinking attractive, but they never went away when I drank. It was the alcoholism that made me drink -- just that.
I hate memes and social media posts about working out even when you truly don’t want to. I’m sick of violence against bodies, paranoia of rest. I have lasting damage from punishing my body with grueling workouts and I’m the least punished (by society) for having a body b/c I am a cis-het white woman. If even I have been indoctrinated against my own body—forced to attempt to contort myself into some sort of arbitrary standard—what is the suffering of merely having a body among folx who are oppressed/subjugated/marginalized?
YES.
Yes- totally teaches you to not listen to your body and to disassociate. Sometimes we need rest.
It's all a lot of denial of our imperfections. Why do need Jesus, faith in something bigger if we can work for perfection pr get it in a bottle. Or plastic surgery. I know There's something bigger ahead. Life is a marathon. Everyone has different circumstances. A lot of these comments are based on we can somehow create the "solution". So much ego and competition and attracting the opposite sex. Shallow stuff. Lots of great comments! Really y'all are ahead of the curve.
Such a normalized and ingrained thing for women in our society to hate our bodies- BS!!! You are right to reject that- flip the bird to that culture and love and appreciate our bodies- they’re the only ones we get!!
"Writers must write everyday." This is such nonsense and simply isn't practicable for most humans- especially women humans. Writers must think and observe and participate in being human in the world every day. As for writing? Maybe 2-3 times a week at best.
Absolutes are definitely exhausting.
Thank you. On writing time * My excuse for not writing was that I would get lost in it and neglect, school, work/career, husband, children. Awakening I see I wouldn’t get lost in writing. I would find myself.
I was going to write this exact thing. I can churn out a piece of garbage every day, but why?
THANK YOU.
Same with painting. Everyday? Led straight to some epic burnout
Thank you.
That which doesn’t kill you will make you stronger. And This too shall pass. Both of these quotes bring up fear, lack,anger, and shame for me.
I cannot stand the "kill you makes you stronger one." Just look around at the people for whom that is patently not true!
Exactly. Say that to the Uvalde parents.
or "the universe never gives you more than you can handle." Clearly not so!
Well-meaning people who say, “why don’t you just cut down?”
I’d love to, but how do you do that when one is too many and 10 is never enough?
Yes - why don’t you just have one? Lol thanks I definitely didn’t think of that, great idea! 🤣
I have a neurodivergant brain and self help has told me to “just let go” and “don’t be so tied to your watch/schedule/calendar” or “you should be intrinsically motivated.” I wish all self help came with a disclaimer that if your brain is not “typical” their advice could be horribly destructive.
This.
"Manifesting" is a reflection of your spiritual condition. Srsly. So harmful.
“All relationships take work” was not helpful in the least to someone like me. I understood that to mean try harder in the face of emotional abuse. I understood it to mean ‘change yourself,’ to accommodate chaos. I understood that to mean ‘suppress your needs.’
This!! This line of thinking kept me in a very unhealthy relationship for 6 years.
"Relationships are about compromise" kept me in an emotional abusive relationship. I thought I had to compromise on all the big things or I was being unrealistic.
This might just be me, but I found the early conversation about "self-care' that just promoted staying in, on the couch and shutting off the world actually quite harmful at a time when what I needed was actually the opposite: getting (slowly) back out into the world and being nourished through friendships and experiences. There are many definitions of self-care depending on the person and/or time in their life.
“Someone always has it worse” - yes, but this doesn’t invalidate or make better what I’m going through. Someone also always has it better. Does that mean I should never be joyful or at peace?
And -
“You have to love yourself/be fully healed before anyone else can love you.” I 100% believe a part of healing can be learning from someone else that you’re allowed to be imperfect in a container WITH them.
Everything I’ve ever read about dieting, especially “clean eating.”
YES. What does clean eating even mean? To me it’s just another way to sell a diet book.
I love this!
100%. It just sent me over the edge into an eating disorder that I’m still working my way out of.
“One day at a time” always felt desperate and depressing to me. I am looking further ahead than that. I am strong and am confident that I will not drink any of the days ahead of me. I don’t need one day at a time. It’s too small for me and annoys me.
SO MANY!!! I've read hundreds of self help books and realized that by trying to follow every advice on how to "fix" myself I was starting to pathologize my own personality. Some are: you can't love someone until you learn how to love yourself, thinking negative thoughts "lowers your vibration", if I'm feeling down I can "hack" my body into feeling better (cold showers, etc), "just push through". Think of what you want to do and then do the opposite. Then there are all of the personality hacks to make myself fit into the extrovert ideal (aka How to win friends and influence people) when I'm actually a hardcore introvert. And of course all of the AA talk about not being able to trust myself and being powerless...I'm still working on dismantling these beliefs 6 years later.
I feel you re the introvert thing. I have come to embrace it- I’m a teacher and have decided not to leave my apt except for groceries and exercise this July. If I feel up to something, sure. But zero pressure! I also embrace my introvert students cause damn, education practice these days is so extrovert ideal. Blech. Sometimes we don’t need to cooperate to learn. Sometimes we just need some damn quiet time! :D
I've recently had a similar shift where I don't force myself to be social. I'm only seeing people 1 or 2 at a time instead of groups, and I've been spending so much more time alone. I work in client relations and my job is heavily extroverted, so this shift has been such a nice change. I feel like SO much room has been freed up in my brain, I can actually hear my own thoughts!
That partnered or romantic love (esp. with children) is the ultimate way to relate/be in the world. To combat this, I've found refuge in Rebecca Solnit's writing in The Mother of All Questions:
"One of the reasons people lock onto motherhood as a key to feminine identity is the belief that children are the way to fulfill your capacity to love. But there are so many things to love besides one's own offspring, so many things that need love, so much other work love has to do in the world."
And Solnit quoting Christina Lupton:
"Some of the things [I] relinquished when motherhood’s consuming tasks had [me] in their grasp, including... all the ways of tending to the world that are less easily validated than parenting, but which are just as fundamentally necessary for children to flourish. I mean here the writing and inventing and the politics and the activism; the reading and the public speaking and the protesting and the teaching and the filmmaking. . . . Most of the things I value most, and from which I trust any improvements in the human condition will come, are violently incompatible with the actual and imaginative work of childcare."
I agree with these sentiments but still feel guilty for not being on a traditional path toward a normative domestic life. And somehow, being queer and working against internalized homophobia compounds this...
I FEEL YOU ON THIS! Single, 40s, childless. I’ve become so much more at peace w this (esp. after I’ve cut back on booze) in the last few years. I’m a teacher, and I can’t imagine teaching and then coming home to parent. So instead my students get my maternal care. And my dogs. Love to you!
yes to this. I am single by choice, divorced, late 40's. It' s taken a long time to fully embrace the joy of not accepting, embracing, complying with what society WANTS me to want.
So liberating once we get there tho!!! 🤩🤩🤩🤩
This! Single, in my 30s and queer. We don't need to relate to the world by being someone's something. It's liberating when you are just ok being on your own and don't feel the pressure that your somehow not living your best life or your not living up to your full potential. Like potential for who? Why does my full potential have to be partnership?
I love my single, no kids, 40 yr old life! Singlehood can be such a joy but they raise you into thinking it's something to be fixed right away
Anything associated with “hustle” culture… “good things come to those who hustle.” Many people don’t have that level of energy and frantic activity is generally not the best way to get things done.
Ugh! I hate this one - and it has been so damaging to my now-grown kids. 'Someone out there is working harder than you are! They will get your spot!!' Fine - let them have it. I'm not going to compete for every damn thing in my life. Exhausting. It's like every day is Black Friday and I don't even WANT a flat-screen tv for $50...............
Strongly seconding this. "Move fast and break things", "Fail fast", "24/7", "Scale at all costs", "Disruption" as something inherently desirable and the valorization of burnout are all highly toxic to me as an entrepreneur. How about we fix things? 'Move gracefully and nurture a better future'? Create something that benefits the planet and humanity?
Yes, and the annoying sibling of this one: "we all have the same 24 hours."
Grind culture can go eff itself.
Ugh! Yes! Boo to any HUSTLE. No thank you.
Yesssss. It's gotten so bad. And passive income has done a lot of damage. Airbnb culture for instance. My last stay they made a point to tell me they didn't mark me down for leaving a glass and a coffee cup in the sink. Wtf. Nitpicking petty fake 4-star resort level critique when you're supposed to be hospitable. That shit is a hustle.
And taking away affordable housing options. I hate the stress of Airbnb. If I wanted to clean, I’d stay home ! 😛
I thought I was the only one who got anxious at AirBNBs! 😂
That your work/job should be your passion.
This has made me miserable for years. It made me feel like a failure because 1 what the f is my passion and 2 I’m obviously doing something terribly wrong if I am dissatisfied at work. So I hopped around jobs and have gone back to school, or started, at least 5 times. Spending $1,000s unnecessarily. When really a job is just something I do that allows me to live a life I enjoy. It does not have to be more than that.
same. same. same. All of it. I've been a...licensed real estate agent, personal trainer and esthetician. I also had a food blog and almost went back to school to be a P.E. teacher. I mean...wtf. lol. I replied to another post on this topic as well. When I dropped this idea and was like -- I just need a J-O-B that doesn't suck -- it was so liberating.
Yes this was me too. I recently started a new job I care less about and I have so much more energy and head space for friends, hobbies etc
Meghan, I so feel this. I've just come to this realization myself and the realization alone has been a huge weight of my back. I know this is so personal, but I'm looking for inspiration (there are so many j-o-b-s I don't know about)- would you mind sharing what you do for work now that allows you to live your life?
The short answer to your question is - I have a sales and marketing role for a technology company. But, the long answer is - it isn't so much the actual job I'm doing that freed me up mentally, it was letting go of the hustle around finding something "that was my purpose" or "fulfilling" or " was impacting the world." That hustle was hurting me and it was feeding the idea that I had to do something extraordinary to be someone extraordinary, to be enough. When I let all that shit go, I looked for a job that...had a kind culture, leadership I respected, and a role I felt I could be good at that would allow me to use skills I enjoyed using and honing. I didn't need it to be extra interesting or impressive or have a cool title. I needed this job to leave room for the things that were most important to me - taking care of and being with my family.
Good luck Laura. Happy to chat through this anytime.
Ya like “do what you love and you will never work a day on your life”. So not realistic
Jessica, I so feel this. I've felt like a failure for not knowing what THE THING is for so long, and I've just realized i just want a 'lowercase j' job, not a CAREER or a PASSION , etc. I know this is so personal, but I'm looking for inspiration- would you mind sharing what you found that has freed up that precious mental/emotional space?
“If you miss one day of meditation you’ve set yourself back two weeks.” I heard this at a kundalini training in April and all the air went out of my tires. I need to be able to miss a day. I need to get away from all-or-nothing.
I’m in touch with a lot of people from training, and everyone starts their texts with a confessional about missing days.
I'm sorry, but I find this very funny and a clear symtom of the culture of perfectionism (and hustling) we are all living in.
I had a fitness coach a few years ago that was SO dogmatic about meditation. He said to treat it like exercise - it should be hard! Meditating is like doing reps at the gym! Guided meditations are useless! It took me a while to shake that off and I still don’t have a solid meditation practice because my perfectionism always kicks in.
I miss many days.
All about failure instead of celebrating successes.
I would like to celebrate failures instead, actually.
Something that I have been struggling with this week is both my psychologist and psychiatrist telling me I am so well adjusted and use all my tools well. I feel out of control so how can this be true, and if I’m going to them for help then I obviously don’t have all the tools down. Not sure if it fits for anyone else, but being someone with bipolar and having people tell me they had no idea or that I don’t act like I have bipolar kills me. Between the drs and outside folks I’m dead this week.
Sending you love. As a fellow pro at "looking like you have it all together" when inside you feel one ladybug spot away from an entire meltdown, I also don't know what to do with the "you're so on top of it" type comments because they just don't feel true.
Ugh yes, “you’re so on top of it” is something I have heard a ton. Kills me, if only they knew what it looked like inside.
it’s almost like therapy is just another tool to plug us back into capitalism, and it’s almost as if they make money by doing so… i’m having a similar experience and i think a decade of therapy has just shown me that no one knows what they’re talking about and giving us tools/new diagnosis will never end…
It truly can be awful I think. And also good, but finding the right person can be so so hard. I’ve found a therapist who actually helps but it’s taken a lot of duds for sure.
Yes Lis, both of my doctors are fantastic and have been very helpful over the years, but I feel like I’m settling if this is the apex of life.
I feel you there Kristi. I keep expecting more, wanting more from life, but it’s like all they’re selling is “good enough.” I need a new source for growth…
I think that a lot of psychotherapy and psychiatry is not trauma informed. A lot of our high achievement and *looking* as if we‘ve got it all together can be coping mechanisms and trauma responses. And there can be a lot of pain, mental illness and sometimes addiction underneath.
Ah yes I think this is spot on. My current therapist has a really diverse background including trauma things and I think it’s a major piece of why she’s felt so helpful for me.
Yes, I totally agree. I have worked with therapists in the past who definitely were not working with a trauma I formed position. Luckily both of my doctors are right now. It is so hard to find good psychs nowadays, so when I find a good one I hold on. Also, a couple days out and a shift in my meds, I am feeling more stable and see what they are saying. But I do think when we are in certain mindset that certain tacts do not work well.
Not sure how to say this eloquently, but just the general idea of productivity. Like it's this end-all be-all success metric, when in reality you're likely just doing more for someone else and not getting that much more out of it yourself. It also makes everything you're currently doing NOT GOOD ENOUGH because it could be MORE PRODUCTIVE. Reading "Irresistible" right now by Adam Alter and it is lots of talk about behavioral addiction etc. The altar of productivity was a light addiction for me previously. Read so many books on increasing productivity (v. boring. Glad to read better fiction these days instead) and in hindsight looks like capitalist brainwashing really. My current motto is trying to be "rebelliously content" bc it's hard for someone to sell me on some new thing/idea/activity I need to be better when I'm deciding to be content instead. (not to be confused with being indifferent or accepting garbage or not striving for things - just mostly resisting the idea that I need to buy/do/look like something else to be happy)
Yesssssss! And on that note, this has motivated me to take a break. Maybe I'll go for a walk or do not one damn thing. Thank you :).
yeah, what ever happening to day dreaming? the bliss of laziness? i have recently given myself permission to slow down - and ask for help when i cannot do it - kind of like the humility of downgrading. thanks for this!
Totally. I'm not even sure I know how to day dream anymore. How sad is that? I hope your "slowing down" progression is wildly successful!
Thanks Meaghan - the trick for me is in not thinking that I'm procrastinating ...hahaha
Also - hello fellow Lis. I never find more of us in the wild.
Yeah true - I'm Elisabeth ... with an s - hahaha. You? I was thinking about your post and it brought to mind the whole idea of "La Decrescità Felice" by Serge Latouche - or rather Farewell to Growth - screw the GNP - why do we always have to be doing/selling/making/building/consuming more more more?!
Same! Elisabeth Anne. I’m not familiar with that idea - I’ll have to look in to it! I quit the marketing world after my daughter was born. I never liked it and once she was born I realized I just couldn’t “sell” things anymore - I could never justify it to her. It was exhausting and relentless.
You made an excellent choice Lis, Elisabeth Anne. Your daughter will be proof of your good intuition. Latouche is French, but because i'm in Italy I gave you the Italian title translation of his work. Somehow I associate it, although I've never actually read it, with the whole Slow Food movement here which was founded by Carlo Petrini - great stuff! https://www.slowfood.com/about-us/our-history/#:~:text=Slow%20Food%20was%20started%20by,a%20slow%20pace%20of%20life. Buona serata from milano xxx
The Nap Ministry on IG revolutionized my thinking about grind culture. It’s brilliant stuff.
I agree!
“Everything happens for a reason.” Okay— thanks— that helped.
Fake it until you make it, specifically with a smile. Now, I understand the science behind it. If you force a smile long enough you're supposed to feel happier. But sometimes you really just need to feel what you need to feel and the whole "fake it until you make it" has lead to some serious suppression of feelings.
Africa Brooke did a full podcast on it. So good. I almost wrote this in the email; I have mixed feelings about this one…
sounds like my mother - If you can't say anything nice - don't say anything at all. that became part of my dna.....
I came on here to say "fake it til you make it" - or anything really where you should force yourself out of your comfort zone to get a reward.
This might already be on here, but if so, deserves a second mention - Everything happens for a reason. Ugh. Gross. Actually, I'm beginning to push back against any and all mantras as well as purposeful self help because it all started to feel like work and made me feel less than and the pull to constantly "grow with intention" rather than "BE with intention" was snuffing the life out of me. But, it's REALLY hard not to get sucked back in.
I was going to post 'everything happens for a reason' to see how folks felt about it. I have always felt like a bit of a stick in the mud for the internal discomfort that I feel whenever I hear it when so many seem to take comfort in it. It's like it's kind of nice when things are good, however so erasing when bad things happen. My litmus test is whether you would say it to someone whose child has just been diagnosed with cancer. Nope.
I think we all search for the magic bullet that makes everything make sense and I think this is cleverly designed as that, but is actually quite harmful due to the erasure of bad things just like you said. It shuts out the "undesirable" feelings that are just as healthy and normal and valid as the "desirable" ones. A lot of people said this to me around infertility. But, it didn't feel compassionate, it felt dismissive. It's an effort to wrap things up in a neat little bow without diving into the messy complexity that surrounds these things that happen in our lives (often for no "reason" whatsoever). Anyhoo...sorry for the soap box. LOL.
Definitely the manifesting thing. And the inverse; if bad things have happened to you, you've manifested THAT, too. But/and, I actually do believe in manifesting, and have seen it in my life, but it's not the black and white, almost shame-based "thing" that wellness "influencers" preach. If any of this makes sense......
Yep! Came here to say something similar. Wellness influencer culture is rife with blaming the individual- amongst many other problematic things. It’s very, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and if you can’t (lose weight, manifest more money, align your chakras or whateverthefuck) then it’s because of YOU. It’s toxic…and lucrative 🫠
This!!! no one manifests their own trauma. I also hate the past life regression folks who think we choose everything in this life, so our pain is our own choosing! Like wtf no.
"Everything happens for a reason" or the "it's all part of God's plan" bullshit. (I used to live in the south and evangelicals love the latter). I don't believe the universe is completely indifferent but it's pretty fucking indifferent about a lot of horrible things.
Yep!
This one. My dad died from a terrible cancer. It's taken much restraint to not punch the folks that say these things. His suffering did not have a purpose and "God" didn't foist it upon him. It was bad luck. A bad thing happening to a good person. Which happens all of the time.
Amen to this. And new age spirituality has REALLY just leveled this one up. I think it’s just another form of gaslighting, at its root.
Proving we're incapable of fixing this however ... that's just faith. Without it there is just a lot of nihilism I'm afraid. I'm not evangelical but I do believe our good conduct and virtue and being kind are acknowledged by God. And Jesus. Jesus will step in. Ecclesiastes 9:11 actually says there is randomness ( time and unforeseen occurrences befall us all) if you want to give an evangelical a smackdown using the bible. There ya go. Life was not meant for endless toiling.
Such a first-world, privileged perspective. Tell it to a sex trafficking victim or a child soldier.
The idea that every uncomfortable situation has a ~deeper lesson~ in it is exhausting. It creates this pattern in me where I'm constantly pathologizing every nuanced experience and I also find it distracting from actually just allowing myself to sit with discomfort and do the next right thing.
Yes! Sometimes something sucks and it's ok to just say "this sucks" and not feel the pressure to find the silver lining. We are very bad at sitting in "negative" feelings (hurt, grief, anger, disappointment, etc.) and like rushing to turn them in to something "useful"
Exactly! It almost feels like "making it useful" will help this never happen again- so its an avoidant strategy.
Everything happens for a reason.
No, it doesn't. Oh well honey, your toddler just got run over in front of your eyes in a hit-and-run, but it must all be part of the plan. Or, it's a way of dismissing things like war and climate change because people only do what is part of a plan so we just need to accept.
God doesn't give you what you can't handle.
Oh, really? The person who throws themself off the bridge? The soldiers with so much PTSD they can't leave the room?
The most destructive advice bar none I have ever received--and I got it from counselors, Alanon, random people calling me to tell me to do this:
You must make your addicted son homeless. Not only must you bar him from coming home, you must not help him find somewhere else to sleep. He must help himself now and your job is to take care of you. If you disagree, you are a codependent enabler.
I remain traumatized. (Side note: I did not heed this advice. I did not abandon my child. He has been clean since 2016. But I struggle with how my family and husband were willing to do this.)
All this! 💜
Good for you Kitty - you understood what the majority of the medical profession will not understand!
Yeah - we need to stop thinking nurture is weak. Holly really helped me with this. Fundamental to take care of me and be balanced and I can't fix everything. The proverbial ceiling that we blow thru. Balance.
‘Find your one true calling and make it your life’s work.’ I’ve found this just generates self-doubt and fear of failure. I’m so glad Liz Gilbert called this out as a problematic concept in Big Magic - particularly for anyone who does lots of yoga and keeps getting served Baghavad Gita-inspired life advice.
So much this. The stress that dropped out of my life when I finally looked at my husband and said - I just need a job. I don't need a career trajectory job. I need a job I like, that I can be good at and has a healthy culture. It doesn't need to be my "calling" or my "passion" it just needs to not suck. I just need a J-O-B. I found the searching for my "calling" was really rooted in trying to be extraordinary, which was really rooted in not feeling like enough. It was an interesting realization.
I LOVE decorating my apt. Ppl have told me over the years to go into interior design. But that would KILL the joy for me!! <3
Vulnerability builds connection.
This feels like a set up. Especially when many people can’t hold space for any more stuff and ghost out on tough convos or try to make lemonade and it’s often just not worth it.
And then sometimes it is - but still.
Yes, and I’m allowed to want to keep some things private and choose who I share vulnerable things with without being shamed for not constantly being willing to be vulnerable.
Yep! 🙌🏼
“You are enough.”
If this were really true I would never try to be a better person, take care of myself, take care of others, or learn from anyone else.
"Get your house in order" always bothered me. It's aggressive and vague, and it's used as a "Step 1" in a lot of self-help work. Like, I'm here BECAUSE I can't get my "house" in order. You tell me how! 🤣
Ooh, I love this post. The "good vibes only" general toxic positivity that the internet is saturated with has confused me for a long time. I thought maybe it was just my pessimistic outlook causing me to roll my eyes and feel like I'm somehow failing because I certainly do not have good vibes only. It's immensely comforting to know it's not just me.
Excuses are the lies you tell yourself. I've seen it in the context of exercise. It's incredibly ableist. And total bullshit.
Pretty much anything that claims to be universal, without addressing the contexts in which we live and the world our healing exists in. I think the whole idea of a "Before and After" has been difficult for me -- and kept me in a loop of always seeking some other version, an "After" version of myself, while forgetting that the Me and the life that exists right now is the only one there really is.
“the Me and the life that exists right now is the only one there really is.” THIS is the crux of it all. I’m waiting for After Me every gd day and she literally can never be. There’s only Now Me. Thank you for this.
Everything having to do with The Secret. I always felt like I could never be positive enough and would shove any negative feelings down. I could never manifest millions of dollars or fancy homes. Ugh!!!
*So* much of the American Christian dialogue around grief is incredibly harmful to people who are actually grieving e.g. they're in a better place now, at least they're no longer suffering, they would want you to be happy, and so on. Our culture is so out of touch with the grieving process and we aren't taught how to be present for, witness, and empathize with grieving people; we're taught to default to toxic positivity with roots in Americanized Christianity. It's so, so harmful to grieving people, and leads to so many ongoing processing issues around grief.
I’m terrified of this for when I lose my parents.
So true - and then all the repressed pain goes inward and eats us from the guts outward. And then you wonder why so many of us become addicted to soothing substances. We're missing the humane connection. Kazzo, it's okay to grieve, no - it's not just okay - it's 100% natural and authentic! Brava Madison!
Being told that it's "mind over matter" and that I was "just not trying hard enough" to heal when my nervous system was actually valiantly attempting to protect me from things that were previously unsafe. I have had variations of this experience with different healing modalities that don't involve the body (e.g. CBT, the lightning process, etc.- which are all legitimate, just not for complex trauma!).
On the other side of this, trauma -informed/somatic therapies are helping me to heal and have assisted greatly in undoing the shame of not yet being a thriving human with "normal" reactions, allowing me to embrace these tender, very young parts of me with love.
Girl Boss. Rise and Grind. Hustle Harder. Goal Digger.
I can’t adequately describe how these “mantras” drove me to destruction. It was like pouring gasoline on my fire of self-hatred (disguised as ego), and ever perpetuating my deep feelings of inadequacy. The drinking had always been there… add this to the mix and I imploded. I’ve been sober for 3 yrs now and rest, relaxation and privacy are my trinity.
Anything related to 'manifestation' and LOA. Where is the acknowledgement of systemic inequity and social privilege? It's like, if we could all just think the 'right' thoughts, maybe things like racism, sexism etc would just poof themselves away and we could all be living the dream? Someone I know posted a vacation photo in social the other day and said that they had 'manifested' good weather. Seriously?
I should have spelled out that LOA means Law (air quotes!) of Attraction.
I lost a lot of peace in my life when “Live each day like it is your last day”, would appear. Talk about paranoia and performance anxieties. Besides, if it really wasn’t your last day, you’re gonna feel pretty shitty the next one. ( hung over, burnt out or hurt.)
I feel this!! These thoughts cause almost a frenetic energy in me and make me feel as if every choice I make needs to be perfect. I’ve try to counter it by reminding myself that life can be long and I have time. Still tough one for me though.