I just finished Bird by Bird and your Sophie scene reminds me of the scene where Anne is trying on a lavender mini dress, worrying about her hips and her dear friend Pammy says “Annie, I don’t think you have that kind of time.” (Or something v. Similar) It made a nest in me and I keep returning to it. Like, the point is to let the love, joy, full body desire (all squishy things us addicts ((from whatever))) numbed/distanced ourselves from) lead the way.
I love this trajectory you’re on so much—looking forward to hearing more from this space you’re in. 💫
This line made my head explode so much that I cut-n-pasted it into a document so I could think about it some more: "and another about how therapy yokes our identities to our worst memories and smothers the beautiful ones, leaving us tending to a damaged past rather than a complicated one." I think I am grappling with this lately... not just related to therapy, but to recovery, and to self-work and healing in general. Would LOVE to hear your thoughts on it. That said, every single writing idea you listed makes me want to hear more!
YEP. When I took down my paywall I spiraled a bit and then a few months later I had this very big epiphany that I was feeding the wrong wolf, and made some big changes. Thanks for the topic vote baby. Love you.
That line got me too. As a sober person who regularly does talk therapy for upwards 20 years now, I am wondering, am I just continuing to churn the butter here? No shade on little house on the prairie but maybe it’s time to find another approach? I love the points in Hollys essay- especially the one that we seem to be entitled to time when actually it’s availability is unknown. 🤯
I wrote this line in my journal and read it to my partner. Just graduated from therapy and I feel like nondual living was making its way into those kinds of identity thoughts as soon as they would appear. And at the same time, therapy made a way to erode habituated behaviors and thoughts so that I could live in a way that was more loving and not separate. All these notions are perfectly beautifully complicated, and thank you for them too, Holly.
I want you to keep writing, not think or edit too much, but just keep the ideas coming. I look at these newsletters like they’re kind of a conversation with me, even though I’m not talking back I feel like it’s dialogue in a strange way. I think if you were to edit it too much and wait too long and really curate it very preciously it would lose the spontaneity of the “conversation.” Just my thought.
Thanks Hayley, that’s actually what my friend said to me a few weeks ago that got me writing again, that she just wants to know what I’m thinking about without all the perfection. It’s really validating to hear that; I think it’s a life time of conditioning of believing we have to be polished, when really what all of us want is the rough cut; and I love that this and especially the comments feel like conversation: I’ve missed you guys and this past and I’m so lit up by these comments.
Hi Holly. I came on here to say what Hayley has just said. I think all of your topic ideas have great merit and potential, but in a way that's beside the point. Or at least- it is your naturally spontaneously insightful writing style (a gift, and one you hone through practice) that will make those topics jump off the page, whichever you choose or something completely different. So I would say- just pick one and go with it. What comes after that doesn't matter until then. And also the very fact of writing the next one probably changes your perspective on what next anyway, because by then you're in a different space. In short, I think you can give your 'planning' head a well-earned break and allow yourself to just dive in there- I look forward to reading whatever comes out next!
H, this resonates so heavily with me right now. I've been on the atonement tour for 10 years now too. And even though I've properly regretted the years I willfully abused my dopamine, I recently got a Parkinson's diagnosis. Moral of the story? I can fix myself 100 ways to Sunday and I don't think I'm going to be lying on my death bed wishing I'd read one more personal development book before I did the thing. It's not about apathy or ambition anymore, just doing my best to honor my feral need to express myself. I'm finally apathetic to my apathy (lol).
PS. I'd never read that NYT opinion piece. Thanks for linking it. I thought the same thing about that book.
Amen to all of this about not having to fix ourselves and that we don’t have the kind of time to be so precious about it all.
In regards to what I’d love to read from you, I’d like to hear more about this sort of second phase of recovery that you talk about above that has been dismantling what came before it.
I’d love to hear more about ADHD and what you’re doing treatment wise. I think there are a lot of us women of perimenopausal age who are wondering if what’s going on with us might be ADHD, but also that diagnosis seems like a huge umbrella for ALOT of disparate stuff. And getting actually diagnosed is freaking expensive. Maybe it’s not us so much us as what the world defines as “normal.”
In the footnote above you say that we have to figure out how to connect “even if we equate each others’ beliefs as monstrous.” More on this please. I’ve been reading a lot of Ken Wilbur lately, and I’m with him most of the time, but I find him very frustrating when he says on one hand that there is moral truth, but then on the other hand that we have to get along with even those whose beliefs we find monstrous to use your words (he’s also very judgey to some groups, belying his argument in the first place but that’s another post). It’s the whole James Baldwin “We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist” that keeps hanging me up. Also, it’s not that I want to cancel all of the MAGA folks; I want MAGA voters to wake up and demand a functioning party that’s willing to govern instead of this ever-expanding Democratic tent that is being forced to contain far too much because the alternative is anti-democratic and dangerous.
I’m also reading TECHNO FASCISM on your rec. Can we have a book club please?! I’m dying to discuss it!
Yes to all points and that James Baldwin quote really gets at it, right? Yeah KW is not subtle about his disdain for far left bleeding or eco feminists, for sure, and I still feel like he has it right in terms of development and different centers of gravity. Thank you for ALL OF THIS. Especially grabbing the footnote.
Several years into my self-loathing filled battle with the person I had suddenly become at age 36-37 (severe burnout, ADHD, PMDD, peri menopausal, unable to spin even a fraction of the balls I used to keep rotating with ease), a mentor asked me a question that stopped me cold and causes me to totally reconsider everything I thought I knew about who I was supposed to be:
“Is it possible you have some internalized ableism happening here?”
Totally changed the way I conceived of it all.
When the great Goddess of Heaven and Earth Inanna went to the Underworld, she had to pass through several thresholds and give up her symbols of power and ruler ship. Only in this way, with her queenly relics gone, could she surrender to the humbling power of death and arise again with life. We must all, at some point, descend into the Underworld. If we cling to our jewels and crown, we will never be permitted to make the passage and we will become stuck. By allowing ourselves to be stripped of all the things we thought were so essential, so defining, we become able to continue and meet the Goddess of the Underworld and join in holy ritual with her. On the other end of our journey, as we ascend, we can choose what to pick back up. Do I still want to be a teacher- a writer- a wife… yes to some, no to
Others. But we can’t move forward without letting go….
As Inanna is told “the ways of the underworld are perfect, they may not be questioned.”
What is happening to us, to all of us, is perfect.
I love you all in these comments…sober sisterhood of perimenopausal ADHD burnouts!!!
Wow. Jessica! This is so juicy and beautiful and like, shit if that doesn't grasp some missing element and make clear my own experience. Love you here, thank you for your wisdom. xx
Holly, I am so excited to get to read your writing two weeks in a row. And, you deserve a break and are not a robot. I also went through a perfectionism phase for years after I started sobriety, trying to convince everyone that I am not the fuck up I was when I was drinking. And I’m finally starting to deconstruct all of that and live my life in a way that aligns with what I actually want. Everybody deserves that, even though it isn’t valued by the society we live in.
I am very interested in your thoughts on community. I have struggled with isolation post-pandemic. I live in a small, fairly conservative town in Florida and have convinced myself that there’s nobody here like me (I factually know this isn’t true) and was planning to move out west to a progressive city. But I’ve been unable to sell my house and am now realizing that I will be here for a while. Reading your comments on community, I think the universe is again telling me to build community here. I’m going to consume the content you provided and would love any more thoughts you have on it… like where to begin.
Greg it’s so lovely to see your name here and that comment on proving you’re not a fuckup obvs resonates so much. I think ADHD and community look like the big topics and I’m so hungry to write about them. Stay tuned and yeah, if I can find my people in one of the least populated places, I bet you can find yours.
All of this. Yes. I so appreciate you sharing. As a recently diagnosed ADHDer, I actually think my meds are creating my apathy but I can’t tell if it’s good or bad. In some ways good, in other ways and maybe? I know I’ve calmed the fuck down and for that I’m grateful but maybe I’m too calm. Where’s my fire? I just don’t care. Money isn’t real, nothing matters and we’re all going to die. That being said, I did post an essay on my personal website for the first time in almost two years and it felt great and I hope to do it again.
Although, I think I only have the energy because I’m in between jobs. How do I create when I have so much work that zaps the me from me? There’s no me left for me.
Anyway. Rant over. Again, thank you for these words.
I'm interested about almost everything you write, or I become interested after you wrote it. So just do you. Joy and love are important, much more than being right and angry. ❤️
That article about men. 🤯 To relate to another part of your post, can I just say Tim Walz and Doug Emhoff do, and Donald Trump and JD Vance do NOT? Obvious I know, but important to point out.
Oh Holly, how I've missed you. Your ever-morphing journey fascinates, inspires, horrifies and touches me. I could send an essay-length message about how much I relate and why, but instead of making this all about me, I will just tell you how I feel. Warm, seen, understood and not alone. You are a light to me and always have been. You inspired my own recovery path and you continue to do so. Thank you for being such a damn human. I love you like mad. xx
Make it about you!!!! And you know what, I love this so much because I really do believe what you see in me (gosh, how beautiful) is what you’ve got going on over there. Love you, thank you.
Yesssss!! So much of this resonated with me. I would love to hear more specifically about what it took and where you directed your efforts towards becoming part of a community. I just moved to a new part of the country (starting over from scratch for the fifth time in 15 years and you'd think i would have it figured out by now but this is the first time doing so as a person who doesn't drink) and I've been volunteering and asking people to hang out with me - and I know part of it is that it just takes time - but I am always so curious about how different people go about creating community and what that actually looks like in practice. Would love to hear anything you'd be willing to share about that. 💖
I mean that was kind of it? Just persistence and painful awkwardness being the only person I knew at a party. But there’s also so much more, as you know. Thanks for this bb.
I cannot tell you how much your essay resonates...I am in the same Perimeno-Late ADHD-Career & Conditioned life Burnout-Can't Function properly zone. Holy Shit - You worded my current condition way better than I ever could. Thanks for making me not feel alone every time you write...whenever you are up for writing. I have also been postponing doing some things that pull me because I am hoping I will be "fixed" soon. Like...I'd like to be able to do dishes (in my dishwasher) more regularly before I start "X" project. Maybe this massive meltdown is all about doing what pulls us, not what pushes us (obligatory stories and conditioning)...and allowing it to not be perfect...just follow the true self, the soul, the heart and the dishes can be done tomorrow. Thanks for for this and I want to read anything that pulls you to write...whenever it gets written.
I just finished Bird by Bird and your Sophie scene reminds me of the scene where Anne is trying on a lavender mini dress, worrying about her hips and her dear friend Pammy says “Annie, I don’t think you have that kind of time.” (Or something v. Similar) It made a nest in me and I keep returning to it. Like, the point is to let the love, joy, full body desire (all squishy things us addicts ((from whatever))) numbed/distanced ourselves from) lead the way.
I love this trajectory you’re on so much—looking forward to hearing more from this space you’re in. 💫
“it made a nest in me”
I can’t tell you how much I love that phrasing ❤️
Emily; this whole thought. And making a nest in you that you return to is such a rich way to put it. ♥️
Ahhhh Emily I LOVE this - so many things make nests in me! Thanks so much for sharing this dear.
This line made my head explode so much that I cut-n-pasted it into a document so I could think about it some more: "and another about how therapy yokes our identities to our worst memories and smothers the beautiful ones, leaving us tending to a damaged past rather than a complicated one." I think I am grappling with this lately... not just related to therapy, but to recovery, and to self-work and healing in general. Would LOVE to hear your thoughts on it. That said, every single writing idea you listed makes me want to hear more!
YEP. When I took down my paywall I spiraled a bit and then a few months later I had this very big epiphany that I was feeding the wrong wolf, and made some big changes. Thanks for the topic vote baby. Love you.
Agreed + I wrote it down too!
What Diane said☝🏻
That line got me too. As a sober person who regularly does talk therapy for upwards 20 years now, I am wondering, am I just continuing to churn the butter here? No shade on little house on the prairie but maybe it’s time to find another approach? I love the points in Hollys essay- especially the one that we seem to be entitled to time when actually it’s availability is unknown. 🤯
I wrote this line in my journal and read it to my partner. Just graduated from therapy and I feel like nondual living was making its way into those kinds of identity thoughts as soon as they would appear. And at the same time, therapy made a way to erode habituated behaviors and thoughts so that I could live in a way that was more loving and not separate. All these notions are perfectly beautifully complicated, and thank you for them too, Holly.
I want you to keep writing, not think or edit too much, but just keep the ideas coming. I look at these newsletters like they’re kind of a conversation with me, even though I’m not talking back I feel like it’s dialogue in a strange way. I think if you were to edit it too much and wait too long and really curate it very preciously it would lose the spontaneity of the “conversation.” Just my thought.
Thanks Hayley, that’s actually what my friend said to me a few weeks ago that got me writing again, that she just wants to know what I’m thinking about without all the perfection. It’s really validating to hear that; I think it’s a life time of conditioning of believing we have to be polished, when really what all of us want is the rough cut; and I love that this and especially the comments feel like conversation: I’ve missed you guys and this past and I’m so lit up by these comments.
Hi Holly. I came on here to say what Hayley has just said. I think all of your topic ideas have great merit and potential, but in a way that's beside the point. Or at least- it is your naturally spontaneously insightful writing style (a gift, and one you hone through practice) that will make those topics jump off the page, whichever you choose or something completely different. So I would say- just pick one and go with it. What comes after that doesn't matter until then. And also the very fact of writing the next one probably changes your perspective on what next anyway, because by then you're in a different space. In short, I think you can give your 'planning' head a well-earned break and allow yourself to just dive in there- I look forward to reading whatever comes out next!
H, this resonates so heavily with me right now. I've been on the atonement tour for 10 years now too. And even though I've properly regretted the years I willfully abused my dopamine, I recently got a Parkinson's diagnosis. Moral of the story? I can fix myself 100 ways to Sunday and I don't think I'm going to be lying on my death bed wishing I'd read one more personal development book before I did the thing. It's not about apathy or ambition anymore, just doing my best to honor my feral need to express myself. I'm finally apathetic to my apathy (lol).
PS. I'd never read that NYT opinion piece. Thanks for linking it. I thought the same thing about that book.
xoxo, love you lots.
I feel this so much, I feel like we’ve been on the same ride for years now bb. Thank you, love you.
Amen to all of this about not having to fix ourselves and that we don’t have the kind of time to be so precious about it all.
In regards to what I’d love to read from you, I’d like to hear more about this sort of second phase of recovery that you talk about above that has been dismantling what came before it.
I’d love to hear more about ADHD and what you’re doing treatment wise. I think there are a lot of us women of perimenopausal age who are wondering if what’s going on with us might be ADHD, but also that diagnosis seems like a huge umbrella for ALOT of disparate stuff. And getting actually diagnosed is freaking expensive. Maybe it’s not us so much us as what the world defines as “normal.”
In the footnote above you say that we have to figure out how to connect “even if we equate each others’ beliefs as monstrous.” More on this please. I’ve been reading a lot of Ken Wilbur lately, and I’m with him most of the time, but I find him very frustrating when he says on one hand that there is moral truth, but then on the other hand that we have to get along with even those whose beliefs we find monstrous to use your words (he’s also very judgey to some groups, belying his argument in the first place but that’s another post). It’s the whole James Baldwin “We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist” that keeps hanging me up. Also, it’s not that I want to cancel all of the MAGA folks; I want MAGA voters to wake up and demand a functioning party that’s willing to govern instead of this ever-expanding Democratic tent that is being forced to contain far too much because the alternative is anti-democratic and dangerous.
I’m also reading TECHNO FASCISM on your rec. Can we have a book club please?! I’m dying to discuss it!
Keep up the good work ❤️
Yes to all points and that James Baldwin quote really gets at it, right? Yeah KW is not subtle about his disdain for far left bleeding or eco feminists, for sure, and I still feel like he has it right in terms of development and different centers of gravity. Thank you for ALL OF THIS. Especially grabbing the footnote.
I'm going to start listening to Technofascism this week...maybe we can book club it in the comments section :)
Ditto!
Several years into my self-loathing filled battle with the person I had suddenly become at age 36-37 (severe burnout, ADHD, PMDD, peri menopausal, unable to spin even a fraction of the balls I used to keep rotating with ease), a mentor asked me a question that stopped me cold and causes me to totally reconsider everything I thought I knew about who I was supposed to be:
“Is it possible you have some internalized ableism happening here?”
Totally changed the way I conceived of it all.
When the great Goddess of Heaven and Earth Inanna went to the Underworld, she had to pass through several thresholds and give up her symbols of power and ruler ship. Only in this way, with her queenly relics gone, could she surrender to the humbling power of death and arise again with life. We must all, at some point, descend into the Underworld. If we cling to our jewels and crown, we will never be permitted to make the passage and we will become stuck. By allowing ourselves to be stripped of all the things we thought were so essential, so defining, we become able to continue and meet the Goddess of the Underworld and join in holy ritual with her. On the other end of our journey, as we ascend, we can choose what to pick back up. Do I still want to be a teacher- a writer- a wife… yes to some, no to
Others. But we can’t move forward without letting go….
As Inanna is told “the ways of the underworld are perfect, they may not be questioned.”
What is happening to us, to all of us, is perfect.
I love you all in these comments…sober sisterhood of perimenopausal ADHD burnouts!!!
Wow. Jessica! This is so juicy and beautiful and like, shit if that doesn't grasp some missing element and make clear my own experience. Love you here, thank you for your wisdom. xx
Holly, I am so excited to get to read your writing two weeks in a row. And, you deserve a break and are not a robot. I also went through a perfectionism phase for years after I started sobriety, trying to convince everyone that I am not the fuck up I was when I was drinking. And I’m finally starting to deconstruct all of that and live my life in a way that aligns with what I actually want. Everybody deserves that, even though it isn’t valued by the society we live in.
I am very interested in your thoughts on community. I have struggled with isolation post-pandemic. I live in a small, fairly conservative town in Florida and have convinced myself that there’s nobody here like me (I factually know this isn’t true) and was planning to move out west to a progressive city. But I’ve been unable to sell my house and am now realizing that I will be here for a while. Reading your comments on community, I think the universe is again telling me to build community here. I’m going to consume the content you provided and would love any more thoughts you have on it… like where to begin.
Greg it’s so lovely to see your name here and that comment on proving you’re not a fuckup obvs resonates so much. I think ADHD and community look like the big topics and I’m so hungry to write about them. Stay tuned and yeah, if I can find my people in one of the least populated places, I bet you can find yours.
All of this. Yes. I so appreciate you sharing. As a recently diagnosed ADHDer, I actually think my meds are creating my apathy but I can’t tell if it’s good or bad. In some ways good, in other ways and maybe? I know I’ve calmed the fuck down and for that I’m grateful but maybe I’m too calm. Where’s my fire? I just don’t care. Money isn’t real, nothing matters and we’re all going to die. That being said, I did post an essay on my personal website for the first time in almost two years and it felt great and I hope to do it again.
Although, I think I only have the energy because I’m in between jobs. How do I create when I have so much work that zaps the me from me? There’s no me left for me.
Anyway. Rant over. Again, thank you for these words.
This makes me feel incredibly normal
Just yes 🧡
Channeled you so hard for this. Love you miss you
I'm interested about almost everything you write, or I become interested after you wrote it. So just do you. Joy and love are important, much more than being right and angry. ❤️
Gosh I love you.
Likewise, sweetie
That article about men. 🤯 To relate to another part of your post, can I just say Tim Walz and Doug Emhoff do, and Donald Trump and JD Vance do NOT? Obvious I know, but important to point out.
I mean: mind blown.
Keep going and writing...we are right there with you! All of it!
I feel that so hard from this community, always. Thank you.
I LOVE YOU! Welcome back!
Wendy ♥️♥️♥️
Oh Holly, how I've missed you. Your ever-morphing journey fascinates, inspires, horrifies and touches me. I could send an essay-length message about how much I relate and why, but instead of making this all about me, I will just tell you how I feel. Warm, seen, understood and not alone. You are a light to me and always have been. You inspired my own recovery path and you continue to do so. Thank you for being such a damn human. I love you like mad. xx
Make it about you!!!! And you know what, I love this so much because I really do believe what you see in me (gosh, how beautiful) is what you’ve got going on over there. Love you, thank you.
Yesssss!! So much of this resonated with me. I would love to hear more specifically about what it took and where you directed your efforts towards becoming part of a community. I just moved to a new part of the country (starting over from scratch for the fifth time in 15 years and you'd think i would have it figured out by now but this is the first time doing so as a person who doesn't drink) and I've been volunteering and asking people to hang out with me - and I know part of it is that it just takes time - but I am always so curious about how different people go about creating community and what that actually looks like in practice. Would love to hear anything you'd be willing to share about that. 💖
I mean that was kind of it? Just persistence and painful awkwardness being the only person I knew at a party. But there’s also so much more, as you know. Thanks for this bb.
I cannot tell you how much your essay resonates...I am in the same Perimeno-Late ADHD-Career & Conditioned life Burnout-Can't Function properly zone. Holy Shit - You worded my current condition way better than I ever could. Thanks for making me not feel alone every time you write...whenever you are up for writing. I have also been postponing doing some things that pull me because I am hoping I will be "fixed" soon. Like...I'd like to be able to do dishes (in my dishwasher) more regularly before I start "X" project. Maybe this massive meltdown is all about doing what pulls us, not what pushes us (obligatory stories and conditioning)...and allowing it to not be perfect...just follow the true self, the soul, the heart and the dishes can be done tomorrow. Thanks for for this and I want to read anything that pulls you to write...whenever it gets written.
It’s a real, real thing right? Thanks for validating that so clearly ♥️♥️♥️